Chapter 10
I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to find him.
It should have been easy. The Academy was large, but not infinite. Third-years had designated areas, regular schedules, predictable patterns.
Except Kairen Draxen had apparently decided that predictability was a liability.
I checked the advanced training yards first—empty except for a few second-years practicing aerial combat maneuvers with their griffin bonds.
The library's restricted section where third-years studied—occupied by students who looked at me like I'd wandered into the wrong building.
The dining hall during the evening meal—Caleb and Torin were there, but no Kairen.
"He's avoiding common areas," Caleb said when I approached their table. He didn't look surprised to see me. "Has been for days. Eats in his room, trains at odd hours, skips any class where attendance isn't mandatory."
"Where is he now?"
Caleb and Torin exchanged glances.
"Why do you need to know?" Torin asked carefully.
"Because his shadows came to me in the library today. In broad daylight. Where anyone could have seen." I kept my voice low. "Terrance said I need to stop running. That keeping distance is making it worse."
"Terrance is right," Caleb said. "But Serenya, if you go to him now, while he's this unstable..." He shook his head. "I don't know what will happen. He's barely holding on. One wrong word, one wrong move, and he could—"
"Could what? Lose control completely? Become consumed by shadows?" I leaned forward. "He's already losing control. His shadows defied him today. That's not going to get better on its own."
"And you think you can fix it?" Torin's voice wasn't unkind, just realistic. "You're a first-year with no bond, no magic beyond basic human ability. He's a third-year dragon rider whose power terrifies most of the faculty. What exactly do you think you can do?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "But Elara's journals said shadow and light bonds are meant to balance each other. That they seek each other out because they need each other. Maybe that's what his shadows are trying to tell us."
Caleb was quiet for a long moment. Then: "He's in the North Tower. Top floor, east wing. There's an old observation room that hasn't been used in years. He goes there when he needs to be alone."
"Caleb—" Torin started.
"She's right. Keeping distance isn't working.
And I'm tired of watching my brother destroy himself.
" Caleb met my eyes. "But Serenya, be careful.
The Kairen you're about to face isn't the one you saw in the courtyard on your first day.
He's worse now. Colder. More volatile. If his control breaks while you're there—"
"I'll be fine."
"You don't know that."
"Neither do you." I stood. "Thank you for telling me."
I left before they could argue further.
The North Tower was one of the oldest parts of the Academy, all ancient stone and narrow staircases that seemed to climb forever. By the time I reached the third floor, my lungs were burning and my legs trembled with exhaustion.
Five more flights to go.
I forced myself to keep climbing, one step at a time, hand pressed against the wall for support. My vision swam. My chest ached. But I didn't stop.
Stubborn refusal to be consumed by darkness. Inner radiance that persists despite suffering.
Professor Veyra's words about what light dragons sought echoed in my mind. Maybe this was a test—not from a creature, but from myself. Could I push through physical weakness to reach something that mattered?
I made it to the eighth floor and had to stop, gasping, coughing into my hand. The taste of copper filled my mouth.
"You shouldn't be here."
The voice came from the shadows at the end of the corridor—cold, clipped, utterly devoid of emotion.
Kairen.
He stepped into the dim light from a wall sconce, and I barely recognized him. Dark circles carved beneath storm-gray eyes that looked more void than human. His skin was pale, almost translucent. Shadows clung to him like a second skin, writhing constantly, never still.
He looked like he hadn't slept in days. Like he was holding himself together through sheer will alone.
"I needed to find you," I managed, still trying to catch my breath.
"Why?" The word was sharp as broken glass.
"Because your shadows came to me today. Because Terrance said—"
"Terrance talks too much." Kairen's jaw clenched. "And you should have stayed away like I've been trying to stay away from you."
"Why?" I straightened despite the ache in my ribs. "Why are we both running from this?"
"Because it's destroying me." His voice cracked slightly on the last word—the first hint of real emotion I'd heard from him.
"Every time my shadows reach for you, I lose a piece of my control.
Every time you touch them, I feel it. And I can't—" He stopped, his hands curling into fists at his sides.
"I can't afford to lose any more control than I already have. "
"What if control isn't what you need anymore?"
"Don't." The temperature dropped sharply. Frost spread across the stone floor between us. "Don't pretend you understand what this bond demands. What it costs to maintain."
"I don't understand dragon bonds," I admitted. "But I've been reading Elara's journals. About her and Aldric. About what happened when they avoided each other."
Something flickered in Kairen's eyes—recognition, maybe, or fear. "And what happened to them?"
"He died. The shadows consumed him because he kept fighting the connection instead of accepting it.
" I took a step closer despite the cold radiating from him.
"She wrote that she wished they'd tried to understand it instead of running.
That maybe things would have been different if they hadn't been so afraid. "
"Or maybe they both would have died." Kairen's voice was flat. "You're basing life-or-death decisions on the speculation of a dead woman who never got to test her theories."
"She also wrote that shadow bonds and light bonds are meant to complement each other.
That they seek each other out because they need each other to stay balanced.
" Another step. My breath misted in the frigid air.
"Your shadows are seeking me, Kairen. Not because you're losing control, but because they're trying to find balance.
Trying to keep you from being consumed."
"You're not bonded to anything," he said harshly. "You're an unbonded first-year who won't survive the trials. This connection you feel isn't real—it's wishful thinking based on extinct creatures and impossible hope."
The words stung, but I pushed forward. "Then why do your shadows come to me every night? Why did they defy you today to find me? If I'm nothing, if this is all in my head, why can't you control them around me?"
"I don't know!" The shout echoed through the corridor, and the shadows surged violently before he yanked them back. The effort made him visibly shake. "I don't know why they want you. I don't know what they sense in you. But whatever it is, it's breaking me."
"Or maybe it's trying to save you." I took another step. "Aldric ran from Elara. Maintained distance. Tried to suppress the connection. And it killed him anyway. What if running is the wrong choice?"
"And what if accepting it destroys us both?
" Kairen's voice was ragged. "You're talking about theories and dead mages and extinct dragons.
I'm talking about reality. The reality is that my control is fracturing, my bond is consuming me, and you—" He stopped, jaw clenched.
"You make it worse just by existing near me. "
"Because you keep fighting it!" My voice rose to match his. "You're so terrified of losing control that you can't see that maybe your shadows know something you don't. Maybe they're reaching for me because I'm supposed to balance you somehow, even if I don't understand how yet."
The shadows around him surged, reaching toward me before he forcibly yanked them back. The effort made him stumble slightly.
"See?" His voice was bitter. "I can't even have a conversation with you without my magic rebelling. This is why I've been avoiding you. This is why we need to stay apart."
"And how's that working for you?" I gestured to the shadows still writhing at his feet, barely contained. "You look like you're about to collapse. When's the last time you slept? Ate? Did anything besides fight your own magic?"
"That's none of your concern."
"Isn't it?" I was close enough now to see the exhaustion carved into every line of his face.
"Your shadows made it my concern when they started coming to my room every night.
When they wrapped around me like I was the only thing keeping them anchored.
When they defied you completely today to find me in the library. "
Kairen's eyes widened slightly. "You knew. You knew they were coming to you at night."
"Of course I knew. Did you think I wouldn't notice shadow magic wrapping around me while I slept?" I paused. "Did you know I was letting them?"
He stared at me like I'd grown a second head. "Why would you—"
"Because they help. When they touch me, the pain in my chest eases. My breathing clears. For a few minutes, I feel almost normal." I met his eyes. "And because through them, I can feel you. Your terror, your exhaustion, your desperate need for something you won't let yourself name."
"Stop." The word came out strangled.
"Why? Because it's too honest? Because you'd rather pretend this isn't happening?
" I took another step, close enough now that I could see the shadows straining toward me, held back only by his rapidly crumbling will.
"I'm tired of pretending, Kairen. I'm tired of running from something that might be the only thing that makes sense about my time here. "
"You don't understand what you're asking for."
"Then explain it to me. Instead of running, instead of avoiding, just talk to me." My voice softened. "Please."
For a long moment, he just stared at me. The shadows at his feet had gone completely still, like they were holding their breath.
Then Kairen's expression hardened, every hint of vulnerability slamming shut behind ice. "No."
"Kairen—"
"You want honesty? Fine. Here's honesty.
" His voice turned cold, brutal. "You're an unbonded first-year who can barely climb stairs without collapsing.
You're chasing a fantasy about extinct dragons because you're too weak for anything else to choose you.
And you've latched onto this connection with me because it makes you feel special. Important. Like you matter."
Each word hit like a physical blow.
"But you don't matter. Not to me. Not to my shadows.
They're just broken magic reacting to something they sense—probably the desperation rolling off you in waves.
" He took a step back, deliberately creating distance.
"Whatever you think is happening between us, it's not real.
It's not significant. And I don't need your help, your theories, or your presence. "
The frost on the ground spread further, creating a visible barrier between us.
"Go back to your dormitory, Serenya. Stop reading journals about dead mages. Stop talking to my shadows. And for fuck's sake, stop climbing towers you're too weak to handle looking for answers I don't have."
"I don't believe you," I said, my voice shaking. "I felt what you felt through the shadows. The relief when they touched me. The—"
"You felt what you wanted to feel." His voice was flat, final. "I've spent five years learning to feel nothing. You think a few shadow touches mean something? They don't. You don't."
He turned away, shoulders rigid. "Leave. Now. Before I have you removed for harassment."
The words hung in the cold air between us.
I wanted to argue. Wanted to push back. Wanted to call him a liar and a coward.
But my lungs were burning, my legs trembling, and the look in his eyes—that absolute emptiness—made me doubt everything I'd felt through the connection.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was desperate and delusional and grasping at theories that had no basis in reality.
Maybe his shadows reaching for me meant nothing at all.
I turned and walked away, each step feeling like defeat.
Behind me, I heard nothing. No movement. No sound of him leaving.
Just the terrible silence of someone who'd finally said what he'd been holding back.
I made it down two flights of stairs before the tears came. Made it to the fifth floor before I had to stop, pressing my back against the wall, sliding down to sit on the cold stone.
He was lying. He had to be lying.
But what if he wasn't?
I sat there in the darkening stairwell, crying silently, until footsteps approaching made me scramble to my feet.
Terrance appeared around the corner, took one look at my face, and sighed. "He pushed you away."
It wasn't a question.
"He said I don't matter. That the connection isn't real. That I'm delusional and desperate." My voice cracked. "Maybe he's right."
"He's terrified," Terrance corrected. "And when Kairen's terrified, he lashes out. Pushes people away before they can see how badly he's breaking." He leaned against the wall. "What did you say to him?"
"That his shadows were trying to save him. That running from the connection killed Aldric. That maybe we should stop fighting what's happening."
"And he told you to leave."
I nodded, wiping at my eyes.
"Yeah. That sounds like Kairen." Terrance was quiet for a moment.
"You know what the worst part of the shadow dragon bond is?
It didn't just take his ability to feel.
It took his ability to trust what he does feel.
When something breaks through the numbness—joy, fear, hope—he doesn't recognize it.
Thinks it's a malfunction. A weakness. Something to be suppressed. "
"So he does feel something."
"Probably. But he'll fight it until it destroys him rather than admit it might be real." Terrance pushed off the wall. "The question is: are you stubborn enough to keep trying? Or are you going to let one brutal rejection convince you to give up?"
I thought about Elara's journals. About Aldric running until the shadows consumed him. About the way Kairen's shadows had wrapped around me in the library like they were begging for help.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe he's right. Maybe I am chasing fantasies."
"Or maybe," Terrance said, "you're the first person in three hundred years brave enough to believe in something everyone else calls impossible. And maybe that terrifies him more than losing control ever could."
He started down the stairs, then paused. "Give him a few days. Let him sit with what you said. Let him feel his shadows' reaction to pushing you away. Then decide if you're going to try again or walk away."
He left me alone in the stairwell.
I stood there for a long time, my chest aching from more than just weak lungs.
Then I started the long walk back to my dormitory, my mind spinning.
Kairen had rejected me. Brutally. Completely.
But Terrance was right about one thing: I was stubborn.
And maybe, just maybe, that stubbornness was exactly what light dragons had always looked for.
The question was whether it would be enough.
That night, the shadows didn't come.
I lay awake in the dark, waiting, but my room stayed empty. No cold silk wrapping around my wrists. No gentle pulse of connection. No relief for the ache in my chest.
Just absence.
Kairen had finally managed to keep them away.
Or maybe they'd finally listened when he told them I didn't matter.
Either way, the message was clear.
I was alone in this. Whatever I'd felt, whatever I'd hoped for—it was over before it had really begun.
I pulled my blanket tighter and tried not to cry again.
Tried not to think about storm-gray eyes and shadows that had reached for me like I was the only thing that mattered.
Tried not to feel the loss of something I'd never actually had.
And failed.