Chapter 32
Serafina
Even then.
Those two words have been playing on repeat in my mind for the last twelve hours. Infuriating little things that have kept me far too awake for what I need to be in order to be prepared for what’s happening today.
My third trial.
In just a few short hours, I will be face to face with the men who once tried to kill me.
But I’ll also get to see Char again.
What will I tell him?
So much has changed these last two months, so much that I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I am not the same girl he saw in that alley. I am not the same weak child he saved during the first trial.
And I am not the woman he should love.
Because I can’t love him back.
Not in that way, and that’s what he deserves.
In so many ways, I wish I could. I wish I could be that for him, especially when I know Ryjax can never be that for me.
My chest heaves.
But I still want him. Desperately. Hopelessly. Endlessly.
And that matters.
So, it wouldn’t be fair to Char.
I suck in a shaky breath, my mind trying to focus on what’s important, at least in this moment.
The third trial.
The event I have been dreading my entire life…is almost here.
But it’s also the event I’ve spent the last two months preparing for.
A wall of fire appears before me, then, to the sides of me, before completing the square and forming behind me. A solid barrier only a weapon could penetrate, but I’m also faster now. And I won’t be as easy to kill.
“Anyone who tries will live to regret it.” Nyxa’s words bring a smile to my face. “When was the last time you checked your mental barrier?”
My smiles fades, and my flames die out. I’ve been so distracted lately I honestly don’t know.
She huffs. “Don’t forget how—”
“Important maintenance is.” I finish for her, and she huffs again.
I close my eyes and envision myself standing within the brick wall she helped me build. Light filters through numerous cracks, cracks that are far bigger than they should be.
Shit.
Letting out a sigh, I prepare myself to fix it, but before I can, I hear a knock at the door.
I know it’s Ryjax before I see him. He’s the only one who can bring me back to my village.
Opening the door, I hold my breath, hating that I can think of nothing but him.
Hating that when we were last together, I failed to ask him the one thing I had been dying to know—how the hell did he get me out of that cell?
And hating that I can’t even bring myself to ask him now. I’m frozen. Unable to think. Unable to move.
His golden eyes glaze over, scanning my face before his throat bobs with a heavy swallow.
“Nyxa,” I send my thoughts to her. “I’m going to need you to disappear for a bit.”
She chuckles softly somewhere deep in the back of my mind, the chuckle fading and fading, until it’s simply gone.
Fuck this “I can’t” shit.
I might die today.
We don’t know what the future holds.
What I do know is the way I feel right now. And what I feel can only be contained by him.
So I kiss him.
And just like the first time, he doesn’t kiss me back.
Until…he does. He has me off the ground and pinned to the wall so fast, I don’t think a shooting star could have moved any quicker.
I groan as my shoulders collide with the hard stone behind them, but as an Essentari, I can already feel the slightly bruised skin start to heal.
Don’t hold back. I want to say because I need all of him, every part, as untamed as he can give me. I don’t want the masked version of him.
I want him.
He moans as his tongue lashes at mine, stroking the inside of my mouth as if he’s painting a canvas. Each brush, every flick, igniting a piece of me that I didn’t even know existed.
Our teeth clash as he moves me from the wall and drops me on the bed. I bounce, scrambling to catch my breath as he stares down at me. A panting, heaving mess that I need pressed against me in every possible way.
“Nova,” he says, breathing my name like a warning, but also like it’s the most sacred thing he’s ever said, and I know what’s coming next.
We can’t do this. I can almost hear his voice in my head, saying those four wretched words.
“We can. Right now, we can. And right now is all I care about, so kiss me, Ryjax, and don’t you dare stop until I tell you to.”
He looks at me, so torn and beautiful, and I can see it. The war that wages inside him. The darkness battling with the light. His need to do—what he would consider—the right thing. To not allow this desire to control him.
But what if this is the right thing? What if giving into this desire is exactly what we need to do? What we both need to do?
There’s something here. Something happening between us, and I might not know exactly what it is, but I know I need to find out.
We need to find out.
Please, I mouth the word, too proud to say it out loud, and when his lips part and he sucks in a sharp breath, I know I’ve won.
He descends upon me, his shadows pouring from his sides, encircling me, us, completely, and I can feel them. Pressing against me in the most sensual way.
His mouth is everything I ever dreamed it would be, just like before. Warm and sweet, tasting of something I could never possibly get enough of.
He is a dream.
He is everything I never knew I wanted.
And I need to feel him.
As if reading my mind, he perches himself on one elbow and tugs his shirt over his head.
Flawless.
Absolutely, inarguably, flawless.
His torso completely naked and perfect and the most breathtaking thing I have ever seen. The sharp edges of his tattoo, the lines that are supposed to be a warning, a message to stay away. To not touch him.
But all I see when I look at those harsh lines cutting across his toned flesh is my every desire laid bare right before my eyes.
He doesn’t like being touched.
By anyone but me.
And I revel in that knowledge. Inhale it like it’s the air I need to breathe. I push his shoulder so he’s on his back and climb on top of him.
He takes my mouth in a brutal, savage, heart-stopping kiss.
I kiss him back with just as much need, savoring the feel of him pressed against my stomach.
But it’s not enough.
He groans, squeezing my hips, his nails digging into my skin. It’s a feeling I want, a feeling I crave. I want him to mark me, claim me, make sure no other man ever fucking touches me.
His grip tightens even more, and I’m desperate for it. Desperate for him. He groans again.
If I do die today, at least it will be after experiencing this.
I lick his bottom lip before nipping it gently.
“Serafina,” he moans, and I need to hear him make that sound again and again.
My lips find the soft spot between his neck and shoulder, and I suck ever so gently, knowing how sensitive to touch he is.
“How does this feel?” I ask, my voice low and laced with so much want I can barely stand it. I lick and suck his skin again, only this time, I graze his shoulder with my teeth.
He shivers before doing exactly as I wanted. He moans my name in the most delicious way.
His hand finds my hair, twisting in my thick strands and pulling my lips back to his.
“Fuck, you taste good,” he says as he takes my mouth with his. He breathes me in, pressing down on my back so his chest is flush with mine. “And you’re so gods-damned beautiful.”
He claims my lips with so much possession that I couldn’t possibly imagine any other man ever kissing me. Ever touching me.
This is it.
He is it.
My eyes close, and tiny suns, just like I saw the first time my lips met his, erupt behind my eyelids. Only this time, I open my eyes.
It’s not tiny suns at all. It’s Ryjax, glowing in a way that sunlight itself is seeping through his pores.
He’s a Luminarie.
A beautiful fucking beacon of hope.
He wants to end the trials.
He flips us so he’s on top. I reach for his waist, for his pants, my fingers trembling as I do.
But then he’s off the bed. I blink, and the sunlight is gone. He’s across the room, his back slamming against the dresser, his entire chest heaving with ragged pants.
“No,” he grinds out, his eyes wide. My mouth falls open, my brain unable to process, to catch up to what just happened, and I desperately miss the weight of him. “Not yet, not like this.” He shakes his head violently.
“Not like—”
“Not until you know everything,” he yells, pressing his palms against his temples.
He’s more undone now than he was before.
There’s so much pain in his voice, so much utter turmoil.
“Not until you’re sure you truly want me.
All of me. Because I want you, Nova. Every fucking piece of you.
And once I have you, I’m never letting you go.
I will be yours. I will never not be yours, and if you change your mind?
” He shakes his head again. “Fuck. No, we’re not doing this. ”
I force a swallow, my heart racing even faster, then faster still. He would be mine.
“And what if that’s exactly what I want? What if I want all of you, too?”
How can he not see that? How can he not realize how much I crave to know every part of him?
It’s all I’ve wanted for weeks now.
He groans. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.” My fists tighten as rage courses through me. “I’m saying that I never want another man to ever touch me, to ever kiss me, to ever have me. Only you, Ryjax. Just you.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he says again, but this time, his gaze finds the ground, as if he can’t stand to look at me.
“Then explain it to me.” I’m on my feet, crossing the room, so I’m standing right in front of him. I grab his arm, and his eyes snap up.
He scans my face, breathing in a way that looks slow and painful, like he’s breaking right in front of me.
“Ask me what I did to get you out,” he demands, his lips close to mine, his breath hot, and his words hard to process.
To get me out…