Chapter 26 #3
I stand outside in the cold, and I pull my coat around me, trying to fend off the wind. Headlights pierce through the darkness, coming towards me. I hope it’s Steven. When the car pulls up, I step out from the shadows, and I freeze. The window slides down.
“Get in, Scott.”
“Killian.” I gasp. But it’s cold. I look towards the building, but the stairwell is dark. My shoulders sag, feeling dejected, and I open the car door, climbing inside.
Killian doesn’t acknowledge me, but his jaw is tense, and his nostrils flare. Oh, shit, can he smell the cum on me? He drives away from the curb. My body tries to curl in on itself, wanting to take up as little space in the confines of his car.
Turning to face the window, I stare into the nothingness as it whips by.
Neither of us speaks. The drive is painfully long.
I try to focus on the lights from the buildings as we pass them.
They blur into one long string of multicoloured shapes.
I rub my eyes, realising they’re wet. I blink, and the tears roll over my cheeks, but I keep staring out the window.
When he pulls up outside my house, I look at him for the first time.
“Why did you come?”
Staring out of the windscreen, he doesn’t even face me. “I’ll always come for you.” His voice is harsh, gruff, and unforgiving, and yet he’s here.
I climb out of the car and close the door. I watch as he pulls away, leaving me in the cold outside my house. The lights blur through my tears, and I’m unable to move. Arms wrap around me, and I flinch. I didn’t even hear him coming.
“He loves you, but you hurt him. Just give him time.” Steven stands behind me.
“Things can’t go back, Steven. Not after everything I’ve done.”
I pull from his grip and walk towards the house, climb the stairs, step straight into the bathroom and toss my clothes in the hamper.
Burning them would be more appropriate for what just happened.
My body runs on autopilot, my mind’s checked out, flicking the water on, climbing into the shower.
Needing to wash the feeling of regret and self-loathing off my skin.
I scrub myself until I’m red raw. Not knowing where the hell to go from here or what to do.
I don’t even look in the mirror as I step out, wrapping the towel around my waist and walking out onto the landing.
“You okay?” Steven stares at me, and I nod.
I give him a tight-lipped smile. “I’m gonna go to bed.”
The ominous click as I close the door seems to echo more than ever.
I’ve never felt so alone. When I climb into the bed, I wrap myself tight in the covers that still smell of Killian, unable to bring myself to cry again.
I just feel empty. Incapable of feeling anything other than stupidity filling my gut. I let Derren fuck me bare. Again.
My need for someone clouded my judgment and ruined my relationship with the one person who can make me feel okay. The one person who makes everything all right. I just lay there and stare at the ceiling. My phone buzzes. I reach over and tug it from the bedside table.
Killian: Hey, you okay?
Scott: Yeah
Killian: I’m sorry, Scott. I never meant to fuck things up for you.
Scott: It’s not your fault, Killian. I just can’t do this with you, it’s too complicated.
Killian: I understand.
After tossing my phone back onto the bed, I close my eyes and try to push everything from my mind. I can’t deal with him or this situation. How do I navigate it all? How do I sort my feelings out?
I want to be with Killian, but I don’t want to be near him.
I blame him for the way things went with Derren, and I know it’s not his fault.
I’m hurt and angry, wanting to lash out at the one person who can make it all go away.
My phone vibrates and startles me, and I stare down to see a message from Derren. I lift it and open the message.
Derren: It’s gonna take more than a blow job, a bottle of vodka and a quick fuck to make this right.
Scott: What do you want from me?
Derren: What are you willing to do?
Scott: Anything
Derren: I want you to get a tattoo. I want my name on your body, and I want him to be the one to do it.
Scott: Derren, that’s insane.
Derren: That’s the cost of betrayal.
I throw my phone down, and I screw my eyes closed.
The flip-flopping is giving me whiplash.
I’ve already lost Killian. Can I afford to lose Derren, too?
How much do I want this relationship to work?
I just want someone to love me for me. Derren will once I’ve made this up to him.
I think long and hard about it and realise, if this is important to him, I need to make things right.
Scott: I’ll make the appointment soon
Derren: Love you, baby.
My stomach flutters. He loves me, actually loves me.
Although the end of today wasn’t great, I actually felt wanted, and the sex was much better.
I just need to push a little more, try a little harder and give my all to this relationship.
It was wrong to expect him to forgive me after one night.
He’s right, it’s gonna take more from me.
But right now, I just need to sleep. I’m exhausted.
Scott: Love you too