Chapter 28
Twenty-Eight
Vivian
Tonight feels like the calm before a storm. My scent and presence in the bond have been muting more each hour as my psyche prepares for my heat. I've adamantly tried to knock it off and allow my body to do what it should, but I've been hiding behind my fears for a long time.
The only saving grace is every time I'm turned on, my slick helps to heighten my scent. It's a call to my pack and I can definitely tell it's affecting their ability to control themselves.
For once I like how distracted they are by me…and I’m trying not to feel guilty about it.
Even sitting around the fire with blankets on our laps and innocent conversation flowing, there's an undercurrent of sexual tension. The stolen glances, lip bites, and discreet cock adjustments say it all.
I'm trying to be more accepting of my heats, but this one is hard. It's unfair and too soon after everything that has happened.
Of course I want to bond Riot with my whole heart, but I'm worried for him. We haven't had enough time to sit and chat like we're doing right now. I love how we've all been coming together and watching Riot's relationships grow with the guys, but is it too soon for him?
He was hellbent on avenging me. That couldn't have disappeared. Right? I have to trust him. Riot's an adult and can make his own decisions, but my fear of being a burden always has to bring me down.
"Did you play any sports in high school?" Kade asks Riot while running his fingers through my hair. Silas just finished telling a few football stories from university and high school, which seemed to surprise Riot.
Shaking his head, Riot leans back on the outdoor couch beside our beta. "No, I was more focused on graduating and getting the fuck out of there."
A wave of sadness grips me for the young man he was. To have nothing and nobody to care for him is unacceptable. Kade purrs quietly, picking up on my distress for our mate.
Riot's multicolored gaze snaps to mine and he smiles softly. "It's okay, Firefly. I managed just fine."
"You felt that?" Jarek asks, eyes wide in surprise. "How'd you know she was feeling sad?"
Riot frowns like he’s hesitating to answer, but I know he’s just thinking.
As far as we all know, Riot is still working to drop his walls.
The theory that I'll feel more settled once we fully bond is the same as Riot finally opening himself up to us completely.
No more hiding, even if it's unintentional.
Riot lifts a leg and crosses it over his knee. Like it's second nature, he grabs Silas' hand and rests their clasped hands on his thigh. "Um, no. I more so saw the light dim in her aura, and it sagged a little."
"That's so cool," Jarek mutters. "If I focus really hard I can see the bonds, but my ability is more so the constant feelings broadcasted from everyone."
"How are you doing with that, Jay?" Kade interjects, worry for his mate driving him to sit forward. "Is there anything we can do? Maybe Riot can teach us how to block?—"
"No," Jarek interrupts adamantly. "No blocking. I love feeling you all on a deeper level. I just need to figure out how to quiet it down sometimes."
I clear my throat and push through the nerves that have kept me quiet most of the evening. "If you want, I can help."
All eyes narrow on me, but Kade is the one whose dominance flares the hardest. "No. I don't want you straining yourself, Vivian."
Silas watches me thoughtfully, Jay looks worried, and Riot seems more interested in watching the dynamic between me and my pack alpha. I wonder what he sees...
"It's no strain, Kade," I defend eyes narrowed, voice placating. "I can just tug on some of the energy in the bond when he needs a break."
Riot cocks his head. "You can do that?"
"That's how I had the energy to get up after the last beating," I whisper even as I lift my chin with false confidence. I just want to be strong and not be bothered by the shit that happened.
He curses and drops his chin to his chest. Immediately, I feel bad for upsetting him, but he asked the question.
"Butterfly, I can't ask you to do that." Jarek looks pained, like he wants to accept my offering, but he wouldn't ever do something to put me at risk.
I ignore Kade's warning rumble when he picks up on the stubbornness wafting off me. "You're not asking, Alpha. Plus, I'll know when you’re overwhelmed without you having to ask." I swallow and glance around at the worried faces. "Please. I can do this. Let me do this."
It seems no matter how stubborn or determined I am, I'll always have a submissive spot for my mates.
Their approval and support can boost my confidence, and I don't want to do something they'll hate.
My anxiety wouldn't be able to tell them to fuck off right now. At least not when my heat is coming.
Kade studies me for a moment before he nods and wraps a hand around the back of my neck. "You'll tell us if it's too much."
"Yes, Alpha."
The tension rises for a few heavy heartbeats. Just when I think we're about to rip each other’s clothes off, Silas snaps us back to what tonight is really about. Connecting, talking, learning more about each other.
Silas starts by sharing more about Kade because our pack lead doesn’t like talking about himself much. "Kade traveled a lot in high school with his family. They did a lot of overseas trips. Riot, you traveled a lot. Where was your favorite place?"
Riot shows his sweeter side when he leans forward and brushes his cheek against Silas. The blatant scent marking makes our beta blush and lean closer to him.
A contented purr rumbles from Riot before he sighs. "Honestly, I didn't notice much beyond what I needed for strategy. It was always about the job and saving as many people as I could."
His eyes glance over to me when he must see my aura sag with sadness again. I have no idea how to manage that because we've never dealt with this kind of manifestation. Will he be able to see the others when he bonds them too?
Kade leans forward this time, his interest in traveling coming to light. "Where do you want to visit the most? Not for work or nefarious reasons. Just for you."
The way Riot's eyebrows slam down and pucker his red scar makes my tummy twist. Surely he's thought about something that simple right? Or has he never given himself the opportunity to dream and hope for adventure and experiences?
What he says next is far fucking worse than him not having any answer at all. "I want to visit my parents’ gravesite."
My eyes squeeze shut in an effort to keep my tears at bay.
"Where's that?" Kade rumbles, sounding emotional but strong at the same time.
"My caseworker told me they were buried at Hillside Rest Cemetery in Summerset, South Dakota."
The crackling of the fire is the only sound to be heard. All the attention slowly shifts to Jarek, and I notice I'm not the only one with tears dripping from my lashes.
"That's—" Jarek clears his throat and tosses the blanket off his lap. "That's where my sister is buried."
Riot's red tether cinches tight around my bicep, and it ceases all movement like the surprise is so visceral even his soul has stopped living. Kade's bond slips from my temple and wraps around Jarek's gold and Riot's red. They're both hurting. Silas swirls around trying to love on everyone too.
"How did she die?" Riot asks, opening the conversation.
Pain rattles me from all sides as the whole pack quakes with despair. We may have never met Sadie, but our love for her is as strong as it is for Jay's younger sister, Zoey.
"Suicide," Jarek says bluntly. He sniffles and forcefully wipes his face with an aggressive huff. "I never really knew her. She died when I was three. But it never gets any easier, does it?"
Riot meets Jarek's anguished gaze and shakes his head slowly.
"No. It doesn't. My parents were murdered before I turned two.
I miss them even though I never knew them.
Every day I imagine the life we could have had together if things had been different.
I think what hurts the most is knowing how much life you could have had together. "
The heartbreaking connection Jarek and Riot are forming makes my chest ache. Cracks and fissures shatter my heart, but the pain heals and soothes with so much blinding love.
We're a family. No matter how long we've known each other, this is it. This is us. Riot's never had a home, but we're his home now.
"We'll visit them together," Kade declares. "Whenever you want. However often you'd like. Then I’ll take you to every mountain or beach in the world if you ask."
Riot takes a moment to pry his attention away from Jarek, but when he looks at Kade, it's with so much gratitude. "Thank you...Alpha."
So much love...