Chapter 8
MATTEO
After leaving Ferro’s office, I had some breakfast in the kitchen and brought some up for Goldie after I was done.
Luckily, she was in the shower, so I didn’t have to hear any more venomous complaining from her.
Not so luckily, my mind went into overdrive, vividly imagining going in and taking that shower with her.
But talking to Nico is more important. Especially if Ferro doesn’t think he can be trusted anymore.
I have no idea how many chances Ferro gives to people.
I imagine it’s not that many. My cousin and his family have always been there for me and mine and I won’t let him get harmed now, not if I can help it.
Not many guys were around while I paced the large living room, which has a great view of the stairs, waiting for Nico to appear. Even fewer came down the stairs in that time. So in the end, I decided going door to door was my best bet for finding him quick.
I lost count of how many rooms I poked my head in after I hit twenty.
Most of them smelled like booze, blood, and unwashed men.
I eventually found Nico in one of the tiny attic rooms, which I assume were used by the help once upon a time.
He was sitting on a narrow iron bed, wrapped in a dark green, threadbare, and moth-eaten blanket, staring through a window, his face as pale as it was all day yesterday.
If this was any other day, I’d assume he was just crashing after a night of hard partying. But there’s more to it than that. And I don’t want to know what it is.
I smile wide as he sees me.
“Good morning, Cousin,” I say loudly. “Don’t you think it’s time to get up?”
He shakes his head slowly, seems to be looking right through me, but doesn’t say anything. I close the door behind me and walk to him, practically praying he’s acting like this just because of a bad handover.
“I’m not sure we did the right thing, Matteo,” he says in a whisper. I wish I could just pretend not to have heard. “I think we made a mistake.”
I sit down next to him and grab his arm to pull him closer. “The only mistake you’re making is talking this shit right now. Ferro’s already suspicious, so pull it together. What’s done is done. We gotta soldier on.”
I’m speaking in that tone between a whisper and a hiss, hoping no one in any of the adjacent rooms can hear me.
Nico’s eyes are very wide and very scared as he looks at me. A lot of times, it’s like looking in the mirror with him, since we look so much alike, but I don’t think I’ve ever looked that scared. Only now, I’m thinking maybe I should be.
“Get dressed, we’re going down to the beach,” I say. “You need some fresh air.”
And we can’t talk about any of what we need to talk about in the house. I hope he’s catching up to that.
“Let’s go,” I add and stand up since he’s just sitting there, looking at me with those big green eyes. I’m fighting the urge to offer him my hand to help him stand.
This room doesn’t smell of alcohol like all the others. It smells like fear, like sour terror. Never mind him, I need to get out of here.
He finally stands up and I realize he’s still fully dressed, right down to his shoes. I pull the ratty blanket off his shoulders since he’s not showing any signs of relinquishing it on his own.
Then I point at the door and he thankfully starts walking.
We don’t meet anyone on the way down the five flights of wooden stairs. On one of the landings, I swear I can hear women crying and it does nothing to improve my mood. Nor does the bright sunshine as we reach the garden. Especially since Nico shields his eyes and groans as soon as we’re outside.
“What are you now? A vampire?” I snap at him. “Stop acting like you’re wounded or something. You’re alive, aren’t you.”
I set a fast pace across the long lawn, aiming for the small spot of dark blue ocean I can see in the distance. Nico stays on my heels, thankfully.
The ocean looked peaceful enough from a distance, but once we reach it, the waves are crashing against the rocky beach, froth spraying everywhere. The storms must be magnificent here. I always enjoyed watching those. But right now, all I want is smooth sailing.
“Let’s stop here,” Nico says. He’s winded and lowers himself down on a rock like an old man.
It’s as good a place as any. I’m sure the booming and crashing of the waves will disguise our conversation. We’re also completely alone on the beach, as far as I can see.
“Ferro wanted me to talk to you,” I say and sit down next to him. “He thinks you’re losing your nerve for what we’re doing. Now, I don’t know the guy very well, but I don’t think he’s the type who leaves loose ends lying around… if you know what I mean.”
His Adam’s apple bobs up and down dramatically as he swallows hard. I’m glad he’s keeping his eyes trained on the sea, because I’m sure the fear in them just got worse and I don’t want to see it.
“I didn’t expect so much blood… so much killing… people I grew up with… known all my life… dead… wounded… screaming…”
I almost ask him what the fuck he did expect. This is war and he went into it willingly. But I refrain. He’s hanging by a very thin thread here and I don’t want to tear it.
“Your family? They’re safe, right?”
He turns to me and nods. “They’ll go along with Ferro’s plans.”
“You gotta go along too,” I tell him. “Your family’s done a lot for mine and I’ll do what I can for you. But you gotta show Ferro he’s got nothing to worry about.”
He turns to me and it’s not just fear in his eyes now, there’s something much worse there too.
Surrender. Giving up. Letting go. I look out at the waves so I don’t have to see it, because it reminds me too much of what I used to see in the mirror every time I looked.
But that was seven years ago. A lifetime ago.
“You just gotta push it all down and face the new reality head on, without emotion,” I tell him. “Just take it one day at a time. Don’t worry about the past. Or the future.”
“Is that how you got through it after Moretti killed your family and made you his bodyguard?”
I don’t know how well I ever got through it. But I sure wish someone had given me the kind of advice I just gave him at the beginning. Because it took me a long time to figure it out.
“You gotta make yourself dead inside, if that’s what it takes.”
For me, that’s what it took. And I was dead inside. For a long time. Until Goldie came and woke me back up. Made me feel alive in ways I didn’t know I could ever be again. And now? Now I’m not that far from acting like Nico’s acting. And it’s gotta stop.
“Is that what it takes?”
“Yeah, that’s what it’s gonna take,” I tell him. “And you gotta do it. For your family if nothing else. I doubt Ferro’s gonna let any of them live if you bail on him. He seems like the guy who takes his revenge sooner rather than later. And doesn’t bat an eye doing it.”
He nods and straightens up, bending his head back and scrunching up his face. But then he shakes it all off and the fear is just a hint in his eyes when he looks at me next.
“At least he didn’t kill all the women,” he says. “But I did expect to feel better about all this. I really did.”
I pick up a rock and toss it into the ocean. The frothing waves just swallow it up. “I’ve stopped expecting to feel better a long time ago. Maybe you should too.”
Thing is, after Goldie, I’ve started craving better times. I really wish what I just said was true, but it no longer is.
He stands up. “I’m ready to go back and I’ll snap out of it. I know my behavior reflects on you too, since I brought you in and I won’t fuck with that. I’ll be fine after a few lines.”
I stand up too. “Maybe you should lay off that stuff now. It’ll make everything easier in the long run.”
He laughs and as much as it’s good to see he seems to have snapped out of his funk, I don’t like the reason for the laughter.
“Being sober will make nothing easier,” he says. “Let’s go pick some up now. I’ll need a supply of the good shit.”
He starts walking back to the house and I follow. The spray from the crashing waves makes it feel like it’s raining, like one of those magnificent storms is already here, even though there isn’t a single cloud in the bright blue sky. I should take some of my own advice right about now.
Soldier on. Be dead inside. Do what you’re told and keep your hopes and plans close to the heart, but always in your sight.
It’s just too bad that one of my bigger hopes is walking down this beach with my arm around Goldie’s shoulders. Because that’s also one of the more impossible ones.
But I’m good with handling one problem at a time and it seems the Nico problem is handled for now.
And a fast ride in his Lambo should help clear my head too. Maybe even blow all the impossible plans for Goldie and me out. Because it’s time I start facing the new reality too. The one in which she hates me to the core.