31. Lottie
Chapter 31
Lottie
“W e need to talk,” Elijah’s gruff voice washes over me, and I sigh, feeling his presence behind me. The years of stripping stop me from flinching. I’m used to seeing presences randomly appearing behind or next to me, and I would’ve lost my job if I hadn’t found a way to control my reaction.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I say as I turn around, not expecting the two other familiar faces to be standing there. “Not to you, any of you.”
“You owe us answers, Scarlett,” Roman grinds out. I can practically see the tick in his jaw as he stares at me.
I let out a humorless laugh. “It’s Lottie now, and I owe you three nothing .” I sneer the final word, refusing to let them draw out any more truths from me. I can feel the rage coursing through me, not believing that they actually think they deserve those answers. But then again, I’m not surprised. Roman has always felt entitled when it came to me.
The boy who stole my first kiss so Crew and Elijah couldn’t.
The boy who knew I wanted it to go to the one who matched the broken pieces of me, but he couldn’t handle the feeling of not being first.
I almost laugh. How would he feel if he really knew what happened?
“Please,” Crew says, his voice almost a plea, but he can barely look at me. “We just want to speak to you for a minute, then we’ll go.”
He was always the softest of them…
Memories of the torment. The pig’s blood sticking to my hair and clothes. The sneer on his face. The way his eyes lit up when I would rush off, shoulder checking him as I ran to wipe whatever they found to dump on me off. He was the softest until he wasn’t… he became someone I no longer recognized.
And now, as I look at him, I see that he isn’t that boy anymore, either. Nothing about him has changed much, but his eyes look sunken as if they’re shrouded in shadows, and his eyes… once that gorgeous shade of brown, are now almost midnight black. His hands shaking.
A look I know all too well.
“Please,” He pleads again.
I want to say no, but Crew was always the one I struggled to say no to the most. He lost everything to drugs, just like I did. We were both peas in a pod, he used to say, and I would grin, linking my arm with his and telling him we’d always have each other because we just got it.
Now I barely recognize him.
“Fine.”
We end up in a café on campus at my insistence, and I text Oscar to let him know where I’m going and with who.
Sure enough, as we sat down, Oscar was already in a booth, watching me enter, his eyes narrowed on the minuscule space between me and the others.
The soft hum of the café is almost comforting, but the tension racks up between us as the silent questions go unanswered. The three of them sit across from me, and I stare at the boys I once knew and study who they’ve now become.
I can barely recognize them.
The waiter smiles as he serves our coffee, oblivious to the stretched silence between us. “Enjoy.”
I nod. They know me here. They know I don’t normally talk even if I’ve been working on it, but I know I need to now.
“We want answers.” Roman orders, and I roll my eyes, tracing the rim of my coffee cup.
“What you want and what you get are two very different things, Roman. I have answers. Answers you aren’t entitled to — ones you may never get…” I take a sip of my coffee, eyeing them all warily. “I owe you nothing. I’m here because I chose to be. Now ask me what you want to ask.”
“Why did you cut us off?” Crew blurts, but I can see the pain in his eyes. “What did we do?”
My throat tightens. I was never good at hiding things from them before, but this… this was different. This wasn’t just about me. My answer would shatter them, and as much as I hate them, I could never do that to them.
I’d been hiding this for years, through the bullying and the daily torment as they pushed and pushed in an attempt to get Tracey and Peter to pay the money back they owed. The secrets are buried deep in my soul, threatening to choke me.
I told myself lies to survive, and the part of my soul where I buried that night had shattered long ago.
I was no longer whole.
Looking down at my hands, I try to gather my thoughts.
Once upon a time, they were my safe space, my anchors in a world that felt too heavy for a kid my age. But that was before. Before the walls went up—before I locked myself away… and they let me.
I can feel myself hardening as I look down, gripping the edges of my cup. The anger I’ve felt simmering in my chest for years finally bubbles to the surface.
It’s hard to pretend everything is fine when I feel like a cracked mirror. “You really want to know?” I snap, my voice sharp enough to cut through the air. I can see Oscar glancing at me with concern, but I ignore him, focusing on the three in front of me.
Crew recoils slightly at my tone, but the betrayal I felt all those years ago is still fresh, and I can’t bring myself to care. Roman nods, but Elijah just stares as if he doesn’t know who I am anymore.
You and me both. I no longer recognize the girl in the mirror.
“You weren’t there. It’s as simple as that. I needed you all, and you turned your backs on me. I shut myself away, and instead of trying to figure it out, you turned on me.”
“We wouldn’t have…” Crew starts.
“ Don’t ,” I interrupt, my voice a warning. “I was broken, and you broke me further. I was protecting myself, and you mocked me for it. Made me suffer when you all knew what home was like for me. I was utterly alone…” I take another sip of coffee, trying to center myself again. “But I survived, and I refuse to allow you three to drag me back into that hellhole. I’m not whole… far from it, actually, but I’m free. I’m happy.”
“We still don’t know why…” Roman says, but I just laugh.
“And you never will…” I trail off.
I could easily let it slip.
Let them all know what I went through and watch as their worlds come crumbling down as they realize, but the words stick in my throat. As much as I want them to hurt, I won’t use my pain to do it.
“I was broken, and you all just kept pushing. Seeing how far you could break me further until I was nothing but smithereens at your feet. You pushed until it felt like it hurt to breathe. The three boys who claimed to be my protectors, promising to protect me from the monsters. But what do I do when they become the very ones they promised to save me from?”
“Tad dramatic, don’t you think?” Roman snarks, the same sneer in place as before, but I don’t rise to the bait. Doesn’t hurt any less, though.
“Maybe. But you’ve never sunk into the abyss with no one on the other side to pull you back.” I flick my eyes to theirs.
“I don’t expect any of you to understand. I don’t think you ever will, but you asked, and this is my answer. That’s all you get.”
“What if we want more?” Crew asks, picking at the nail of his finger. “What if we can’t take the vague bullshit you just fed us as the answer?”
I shrug. “That’s a you problem.”
“Will you answer if I ask something?” Crew tilts his head to the side, watching me as I debate his question.
“Maybe.” I finally answer.
He asks me a few questions. Some I answer, and some I don’t. Most are simple things, like what my favorite drink is now. Roman keeps sighing as if the questions are boring, and Elijah still hasn’t said anything. Crew, though, he’s hanging onto my every word as if he’s been starved of water since I left, and now he’s finally getting a sip.
“What happened to make you leave?” he questions, eyeing me carefully as if he’s expecting me to shut this question down.
“I lived with strangers.”
They all stare at me, confused. Why wouldn’t they be? As far as they’re concerned, I’ve only ever lived with my parents and Archer’s family.
“What?” one of them asks. I’m not sure who.
This is easier. It’s not a lie. I just won’t tell them the other half of it.
My eyes are firmly fixated on the space above their heads, and the lines on the wallpaper are suddenly the most interesting thing in the world as I count each line while I muster the courage to talk to them.
“Strangers. People who I didn’t recognize. I knew my dad. The beach and the seashells. The love he had for me,” I pause, flicking my eyes to theirs quickly.
All of them are watching me with rapt attention, locked onto my every word. I flick my eyes away again, unable to see their expressions. “I knew my mom. Cold and distant, but sometimes she would remember my favorite food and make it for dinner, or she would buy me a dress to wear to the beach with my dad, which was somehow my favorite color. That mom always gave me hope.”
“Then there were the strangers. Tracey’s addiction ruled her, pulling her in until Mom didn’t exist anymore. Colder and more distant, but worse, so much worse.” I twist my fingers together, ignoring the pain of my bones grinding together.
“Dad,” I choke, a lump forming around the word, still unable to lose the hurt of watching his addiction turn him into someone I no longer knew. “Peter was the one that hurt the most. He was full of life, the perfect dad, and then he wasn’t. He became a shell of the man I knew and numbed the guilt he felt with the drugs and alcohol.”
“Do you want to know the worst part?” I let out a bitter laugh. “I watched them turn into strangers right in front of me, and the na?ve, childish part of me still wanted the old them to come back even after everything.”
“But they don’t come back just like you three should never have. They turned into strangers, but worse than that was when the air was being driven from my lungs or cut off as their hands were wrapped around my neck… All I could see was a demon looking back at me. No love in their eyes, just completely different people. I was no longer a human being in their eyes, and you three were no better.”
I finally look at them, hating the way I flinch at whatever I see. I keep my voice steady. “I need you to leave me alone. You nearly won. I got the notes back then; the message was loud and clear, but I have a life now. A chance to be happy, and if you leave me alone, I’ll extend the same courtesy…” Another deep breath, but I know I need to finish this. “But I need to be clear. I’m not the same girl as before, and I will not allow you ever to break me again.”
I stand, refusing to give them another chance to come up with an excuse. Excuses I don’t have the strength to listen to. I walk out of the room, leaving them there even as Crew shouts after me.
“Notes? What notes, Scarlett!” he shouts, and I quicken my pace. “Lottie! What fucking notes?”
I walk faster, unable to hold in my sigh of relief when Archer’s car is there, idling in the parking lot.
I jump into the passenger seat just as Crew rushes out of the doors, searching for me.
Archer doesn’t need me to say anything. He just drives, not stopping even when we drive past the house.