39. Crew
Chapter 39
Crew
“T hat was bullshit,” Roman growls, stomping ahead of us to our rooms.
It’s one of those days when the heat curls the humidity in the air like a warning of a storm brewing.
Roman kicks his shirt into the hallway and mutters something about dying of heatstroke and stupid student conduct. Elijah follows him, silent as ever lately since Lottie locked him in that classroom as revenge, and I drag myself up from the couch to follow.
I feel… human today, which is saying a lot after the week I’ve had as the drugs purged themselves from my system.
The withdrawals are done. For real this time. No more shaking. No more bile, and no more waking up choking on nothing and everything. Just sweat and lightness and a weird kind of peace I’ve not felt in two years that I don’t quite trust yet.
The three of us step into the en-suites attached to our rooms.
I strip, turn the tap, and step in, ready for the cold water to hit my skin.
It takes a second—just long enough for me to blink at the weak water pressure and think, Seriously? Now? Today of all days? —before the showerhead coughs and then erupts.
Red.
Bright, vivid, thick as blood.
It stains the tiles, splashes across my chest, and runs down my arms like I’ve just walked through a warzone.
“What the fuck—” Roman’s voice explodes, followed by a thunk, a girly scream , and the sound of a wet body slipping and slamming against the tiles echoes through the rooms.
I look down at my chest, my arms, and the now dripping floor. Then I do the only thing that feels remotely sane… I laugh.
Not just a chuckle— a full laugh , loud and deep, the kind I haven’t felt in years. It bubbles up and bursts like the pressure that’s been building in me since I was told she was dead is finally releasing.
Elijah steps out of his room completely dry and stain-free, just as I get to the doorway… still laughing. His brows furrow as he looks between us. “What the hell?”
Roman storms out, a towel wrapped around his waist, his entire torso bright red … in fact, all of him is covered from head to toe. His hair drips crimson. His jaw is locked tight enough to snap.
“This was her,” he growls, eyes locking onto me like I’m supposed to rise with him because she got me too.
I lean back against the doorframe, arms still dripping, still laughing. “No shit. You think we’ve pissed anyone else off enough to do this?”
“She thinks this is funny?” he grits out through clenched teeth.
“It is funny, Roman,” I say, grinning even though my skin is now a shade of cherry homicide. “Look at us. We did it to her.”
“She wants a war?” Roman spits. “I’ll give her one.”
Elijah’s expression shifts, almost sad, as he stares at our lovely shade of sunburnt skin, but my focus shifts back to Roman as he continues his tirade.
“You know why we did that,” Roman continues, ranting to no one. “She’s going to pay for this.”
But all I can think about is that, for the first time in weeks, I don’t feel sick.
I feel alive .
Stained, yes.
But alive.
“You go do whatever vengeance shit you need to do to feel better Roman,” I say, pushing past him with the towel draped loosely around my hips. “But me? I’m getting a pizza, and maybe a picture of this to send to her.”
“You’re pathetic,” Roman spits, storming past Elijah.
“Maybe,” I shrug, not turning back. “But at least I know how to take a joke.”
Elijah doesn’t say a word, just stares at me like I’ve personally offended him. And I wonder, just briefly, whether this was all a way of getting to him, too, or if this is just her warming up.
I toss the towel around my neck and snap a quick photo in the mirror, careful not to flash her my junk.
My chest, arms, and face are streaked like I walked through a crime scene. The dye’s already drying in patches, and I can tell it’s going to cling for a few days at the least. Roman’s probably going to scrub himself raw by then.
I swipe over to Lottie’s name in my messages.
We haven’t talked since she locked me in that closet. Still, I type out the message before I can overthink it.
Me
So… I’m guessing this was you?
I attach the picture. Hit send.
Wait.
Those dreaded three dots, then nothing.
I toss the phone on the bed, crack open a soda, and flop onto the mattress, still smiling. It’s not rage I feel—it’s admiration. It’s the first time in years someone has knocked Roman down a peg or two, and she didn’t just do that… she’s embarrassed him.
My phone buzzes, and I snatch it up fast.
Lottie
Was it that bad?
I grin.
Me
I look like I murdered a clown. But honestly… respect.
Actually… I kind of deserved it. Didn’t I?
Another pause.
No dots.
I run my red hands through my still-wet, still-red hair and exhale.
Screw it.
Me
Can we talk?
Please.
More waiting.
It’s not weird if I beg, right?
Me
Just you and me. No Roman. No Elijah. I just… need to see you.
God, I sound needy.
Ok. I kind of am.
Please?
This time, she replies.
Lottie
Where?
I don’t even hesitate. Replying with a smile on my face.
Me
Anywhere you feel safe.
The campus is quiet when she shows up.
Sunset bleeds orange into the pavement, the sky cracks open like it’s been holding its breath for her too.
She doesn’t say anything at first—just stands across from me, arms folded tight like armor, chin tilted up.
She’s fire and steel, and I don’t blame her.
I deserve every ounce of it.
I rub a hand over the back of my neck. “Thank you for coming.”
Fuck. I sound so diplomatic right now. I should have hugged her… or not.
Lottie shrugs, her expression unreadable, and I hate it because I’ve always managed to know what she was thinking even when she was silent. “You said you wanted to talk…” she sighs. “So talk.”
I nod, but the words get caught somewhere behind my teeth. My throat burns.
I try to think of the words to say.
I could apologize, but it would mean nothing without the actions behind it.
“Please let me come home,” I say finally. My voice cracks like the ground’s splitting beneath me, and I don’t even try to hide the way my knees tremble. “Please.”
Her brows pull together, brown eyes trailing over me like she’s searching for something. “What do you mean?”
God, her voice. It’s rougher now, worn from years of silence, but underneath it is something soft and familiar. It knocks the breath from me.
“I want to come home,” I repeat. “The last time I felt peace was when you were still alive.”
I see it in her eyes—the way she’s studying me, scanning for signs that I’m high again… and I can’t blame her. I haven’t wanted to use, since I drugged her. I’m letting the pain live inside me now.
I deserve to feel it.
Every sharp edge. Every hollow echo.
Because we pushed her to the edge and lost her because of it.
Her frown deepens. “You’re not making any sense, Crew. Are you high?”
The question stings more than it should, and when she starts backing away, everything inside me fractures.
My knees give. I drop to the pavement, ignoring the sting in my knees and uncaring that this is in public, and reach out, hand gently curling around her ankle, not to hold her there, just to be near her.
She could shake me off in a second, but she doesn’t.
She just… freezes. Stares down at me like she’s seeing a ghost. Pity shadows her expression, but behind it, I think I catch something else.
“I’m not high,” I rasp. “I swear.”
She doesn’t move.
“Then what are you saying, Crew?” she asks, voice hoarse as she sinks to her knees in front of me.
I can’t stop the words.
They fall out of me like everything I’ve held in is finally collapsing.
“I lost everything when my parents died. They weren’t perfect… hell, they barely remembered I existed once the drugs kicked in. But they were still mind. And then they were gone.” I swallow hard. “Roman’s dad took me in. Gave me a place when no one else would. I thought I owed him everything.”
Her eyes soften slightly, confusion flickering across her face.
“One day you were just… there,” I continue. “Holding your dad’s hand, clutching that little seashell like it was sacred. Looking around Roman’s house like it was a whole new world.”
A smile ghosts across her face—small, distant.
It breaks me.
“I forgot my dad worked for his family for a while,” she murmurs, her eyes turning glassy. “I always thought that was why they left us alone for as long as they did.”
I shake my head. “He didn’t leave you alone. He used you. He made us hurt you because it was the easiest way to control your Dad and punish him.” My throat tightens. “You were a tool. A pawn just like we were… are.”
The hurt flashes across her face like lightning. “He made you?”
“You don’t think we wanted to hurt you, do you?” I scoff, too fast, too defensive.
She rears back, her expression hardening. “Of course I think that! You didn’t just follow orders, Crew. You followed me, tormented me. You soaked my clothes, called me names, made my life a waking hell… All of you.”
She takes a step back. Then another. Her spine straightens, and the weight of her words slams into my chest like a wrecking ball.
“I was already drowning,” she says, voice shaking. “We barely had electricity or food. And you three… boys, I used to think were my everything, decided I was entertainment. Ways of making themselves feel better. I was alone in every aspect, my world silenced by someone who thought they could steal my voice, and you three made it worse… You made sure I never got it back.”
Silence.
I can’t breathe because she’s right.
I could have filled the silence with my voice until she felt she could finally speak.
But instead, we destroyed her.
“I didn’t see it then. I didn’t understand,” I whisper. “I thought I owed him everything, but all I did was betray the one person who ever saw me when I was nothing but a drug addict’s kid. I let him tell me you were less, and I was so desperate to belong that I believed it.”
“We had no choice…” I try to make her understand, but she holds her hand up.
“You always have a choice, Crew.”
“I fucked up back then. I felt like I owed him. He could have left me to rot in foster care or on the streets, but he didn’t. He took me in, and I was a stupid kid who didn’t see how evil he really was…” I don’t rise. I crawl forward on my knees and take her hand—gently, like it might break. “I’m not that stupid kid anymore, Piglet. I’m just stupid for you. I’m choosing you. I’m not high. I’m no longer numb. I’m choosing you now. I saw you again, and it was like breathing for the first time…” I lower my head, rest my forehead against the warm skin of her hand. “You were running into another man’s arms, but you were alive—breathing, and all I could feel was peace.”
“You were the only place I ever felt safe. You’re my home.” My voice cracks again. “Let me come home.”
She doesn’t say anything at first, just stares at me like she’s trying to figure out if I’m real.
“I…” she starts.
“Just think about it?” I plead as I squeeze her hand. “I won’t force you. I’ll back off if you say no. I swear. If all you want is distance, I’ll give it to you. I’ll love you from afar… so far you won’t even know I’m there…”
Lottie huffs out a laugh—the sound more addictive than any drug I’ve ever taken.
She rolls her eyes and whispers, “You’re such an idiot.”
My heart pounds louder with each passing second, and I lean in, my breath catching, desperate to close the distance between us.
She stops me with a hand pressed to my chest. The distance between us feels like miles, and I can see the pain in her eyes… the pain I caused.
“You need to understand, Crew. It’s not simple like that,” she whispers, her fingers trembling as she touches me. “I’m with Archer… and Oscar. I can’t just?—”
My eyes lock onto hers, each word heavy with everything I’ve held inside. “I’m not asking you to choose,” I say, my voice rough, raw. “I don’t want you to pick between us. I just want to be with you. I have no right telling you that you can’t have them. I want to earn your forgiveness first. Keep getting revenge baby, it’s hot as fuck. Just.. just don’t count me out yet, yeah?”
I take another step, not wanting to make this harder for her, but unable to stay away. “I know I fucked up, and I hate myself for it. I don’t deserve you, but I’m willing to work to do whatever it takes to make it right. I want you, Lottie. All of you…” I wink at her. “Stripper and all.”
She rolls her eyes at me again, but her lips kick up at the side. She gently pushes me back.
“You don’t get it,” she says softly. I can’t just… have it all. I barely deserve them. I’m not going to keep adding to my collection like my seashells just because of a few pretty words.”
“Just think about it, yeah? I’ll leave you alone for now, I think I’ve overloaded you enough, but I won’t give up without a fight, Piglet…” I kiss her cheek, my lips lingering there for a moment. Then I step back, even as every cell in my body fights it.
I nod my head to the brooding one in the car. “Go to your boyfriend, Lottie. Tell him what I said, because this won’t work with secrets. Communication is key.” I wink again, then turn on my heel, not looking back so I don’t do something stupid.
I keep my head down, hands stuffed in my pockets, biting down the urge to turn around and see if she’s still watching me. If she’s still there with that storm in her eyes.
But I don’t turn back.
Not this time because if I do, I’ll break.
And I can’t break. Not when I’m so close to earning her forgiveness.
I don’t want to steal her from them. I only want the chance to love her too.
To mean something to her again.
She knows where I am now, what I want.
And if she lets me in… if she ever lets me come home?
I’ll never stop showing her that I choose her.