41. Lottie
Chapter 41
Lottie
T he library is silent, the only sound being the soft rustling of pages turning.
I thought I could hide away from my problems. Bury myself in the maze of books as I try to convince myself it’s because I’m looking for one for my paper.
I’m standing near the back eyes scanning a shelf, lost in thought as my fingers trace the spine of something I’ll never read.
I try to steady my breath, to calm the wild beating of my heart, but it’s useless.
I feel like I’m drowning.
“Running away again, Reyes?” Roman’s voice cuts through the haze, low and mocking, and I’m transported back to two years ago.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I freeze, fingers stilling against the shelf.
I take a shallow breath, and finally face him, my back stiff, my hands balled into fists at my sides. “I’m not running away. I’m looking for a book, if that isn’t obvious.”
“Really?” he sneers, stepping closer, invading my space until there’s no distance left between us. “Because it looks more like you’re hiding. Trying to pretend you’re someone else, but I know you. You’re a coward who doesn’t care about anyone but herself.”
I swallow hard, my throat tight.
“You think you can hide behind that mask? Or is it glitter and lights? Behind Siren? But I know you, Scarlett .” His words come out like a slow drip of poison, each one more venomous than the last. “I know what you are, and I’m done pretending like everyone should walk on glass around you. Though you like that, don’t you? People bleeding for you?”
“Fuck off Roman.” I sneer, pushing him back.
My heartbeat pounds in my ears, drowning everything out.
Roman pushes against my hand, his breath hot on my face. “You think you can push me and I’ll just leave it? You owe me for picking up the pieces after your corpse, and I refuse to watch my brother fall apart again after you’re done with your games.”
My chest tightens, and I back up a step, desperate to put space between us, but the bookshelves are right there, pressing into my back.
There’s nowhere to go, and I feel trapped all over again.
His lip curls into a cruel smile. “You’re just a little bird, aren’t you? Too fragile to face the truth.”
I freeze.
The words hit me like a freight train, knocking the air from my lungs.
“You like that little bird, don’t you?”
Shadows.
Pain.
That nickname.
It’s the last thing I want to hear right now, the last thing I need. But it’s like a switch has been flipped in my brain, and suddenly I’m back there, in that room, the door locked… with them.
I close my eyes, trying to block it out, pressing desperately at Roman’s chest to get him to back up and give me air, but it’s no use.
The memories flood my mind, the hands, the voices.
The fear.
“We like broken little birds.”
“Don’t!” I shout, but it’s too late.
“What’s wrong, Scarlett?” Roman tilts his head mockingly. “You faking again? Like you faked your death?”
“I’m Lottie,” I grind out. “Scarlett’s dead. Lottie means survival.”
Roman’s lips curl into a mocking smile, his gaze turning hard. “Survival? You had nothing to survive.”
I take a deep breath, trying to push the memories back, each fragment my mind made me forget becoming clearer. “What do you want, Roman?” I try to sound defiant, but the tremor in my voice betrays me.
“I want an explanation. You owe me something. You’ve been running for so long, hiding behind your shiny new name and family, but I’m done with the half answers.”
“I don’t owe you anything.”
Roman’s eyes flash with something dark… just like him .
“Don’t you?” he steps even closer, crowding me against the shelf. “You think I don’t see through the act? Through Siren?”
My heart pounds in my chest as I back up, but there’s nowhere to go. My breath comes in shallow gasps, and I know he’s enjoying watching me break.
“You don’t know anything,” I bite out, but it sounds weak, even to me.
Roman smirks. “I know more than you think. I know you’re just a broken girl pretending to be someone else.” He leans in further, his voice low and mocking. “You know, ‘little bird’ suits you, don’t you think? Always so fragile… so easy to break.”
I freeze.
The words hit me like a slap.
I open my mouth, wanting to tell him not to call me that, but my stomach lurches as memories begin to claw their way back.
That nickname…
Pain.
Blood… so much blood.
“You scream so prettily for me, Little Bird.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the memories that flood my mind—the suffocating heat of the room as it felt like the walls closed in on me, the hands that held me down, the words whispered in my ear as I lost my voice.
Silence.
Silence is safer.
“No one can hear you here, Little Bird.”
My body trembles as the memories wash over me, and I feel trapped, unable to escape. His words are a knife twisting in my chest.
“No,” I whisper, barely able to speak, my throat tightening.
I shake my head, wishing I could disappear, escape the room, the memories… the weight of his body on mine.
“I’m going to break you, Scarlett, and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it because you broke so much when you played dead.”
How did I never notice how much he looks like him ?
I shake my head because Roman is nothing like him. Only isn’t he?
He stole my voice, too. He wanted to break me and called me Little Bird.
I know I’m not being rational, but I’m back there, in that room, with them .
The exact words uttered in my ear as they took turns ripping me apart until I knew no one would ever save me.
The memories flood my mind again.
The hands that weren’t James’s but his. Roman’s father’s.
The way his father had looked at me. Watched as his friend ruined me, then joined in.
It’s too much.
He’s too close now, and I can’t breathe.
The walls are closing in on me, and I feel like I’m back there, in that dark room with them.
I want to scream, but I can’t.
I want to run, but I’m pinned to the wall by him.
But it’s not Roman, it’s his dad.
His face, his voice… his hands, coated in my blood.
I close my eyes, trying to shut it all out, but the memories keep pushing through, too strong, too raw.
The sound of Roman’s voice, so similar to his, is enough to bring everything back.
He doesn’t back up, his anger building. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” His voice is getting louder.
My breath comes in shallow gasps. “I can’t tell you,” I sign, my hands trembling, slipping back into my silence.
“I… I don’t speak sign language, Reyes. I need you to use your words. What the fuck is wrong?” Roman looks at me like I’ve betrayed him. “You’re fucking breaking me, you know that? Never wanted to feel sorry for you, but fuck, you look so pathetic right now. I deserve better than this. We all do. So just fucking tell me!”
I feel the pressure build inside me, the weight of everything I’ve held onto threatening to crush me. “I can’t…” I gasp. “I can’t go through it again. I can’t break you like that.”
Roman laughs bitterly. “You think you can keep me in the dark forever?” His voice drops to a harsh whisper. “Maybe I should lock you in a room. Force the answers from you.”
The words are like shards of glass in my chest, but I have to say them. I can’t keep pretending to be okay anymore. “You look just like him.” I rasp, the words hanging in the air like a death sentence.
Roman blinks, confusion washing over his face. “Who the hell is him , Lottie?”
“The man who stole my voice,” I whisper, the words feeling like poison in my mouth. “The man who…”
Roman recoils, as if struck, his face draining of color. “The man who… what?”
I close my eyes, wishing I could take the words back.
But I can’t.
The damage is done.
“The man who raped me,” I say flatly, the words cold and hollow, the emotion buried deep beneath a layer of numbness.
Roman stares at me, his eyes wide with disbelief, his entire body frozen. “How could I look like…” he trails off, realization descends upon him, and he shakes his head in denial. “No.”
I nod, my throat tightening, and I feel my body shake.
I can feel the panic creeping up on me again. The memories flood back, a wave of terror crashing over me.
“My father?”
I look away, unable to bear the disgust in his eyes, and screw them shut tightly.
Roman’s face twists in a way that almost looks like physical pain, and his hands grab my arms, shaking me. “Tell me! Was it my father?” he shouts.
A sob breaks free from my throat.
I nod.
“I’m not him, Lottie. Please . I’m not him.” Roman’s voice is raw, pleading, and it breaks me in a way I never thought possible.
I can’t answer him. I can’t.
His grip on me tightens, but it’s not Roman I see anymore.
It’s his father, and Elijah’s.
I want to scream. I want to run.
I’m frozen in place, and I can’t breathe.
“I’m not him, Lottie. I’m not him.”
I pull away from him, crumpling to the floor, my heart racing as the memories overwhelm me. I’m right back at that night, and I hear a voice screaming.
I think it’s me.
“What the fuck did you do?” I hear a voice shout, but I don’t have the strength to see who it is.
I’m too far gone, spiraling into that place where I can’t escape.
Strong arms wrap around me, lifting me off the floor.
I don’t know who they belong to, but the scent of Oscar’s aftershave calms me slightly.
“Nothing… I just wanted answers, and then she… she told me…” Roman’s voice cracks, then it’s cut off.
“I told you what would happen if you messed with her again. You got your answers. Are you happy now?” the voice grits out, but I don’t dare open my eyes.
I don’t hear anything else as we move. Then I’m placed into the back of a truck, and he slides in next to me.
My eyes flutter open, greeted by Oscar’s sad smile. “We’re here. You’re safe.” He signs, then pulls me into his chest.
Archer climbs into the front seat, knuckles bloody. “We’ve got you, Lottie. Always.”