Chapter 13
Thirteen
Vivian
You know when your head and body feel like a dull weight?
But also like you're floating and can't quite grab onto anything real?
And you know you aren't quite okay? Like the lucid part of yourself is halfheartedly attempting to knock some sense into you, but you don't care that much so you continue zoning out?
A little numbness mixed with exhaustion. That's all I've felt for the past few days. I had a small burst of shock when my pack told me I had a nightmare, but shrugged it off. In my mind it made sense because the struggle for me to speak has been exponentially worse than it has been in years.
How do I tell my men that something is wrong with me? I know it's me. They haven't sensed anything wrong in our bond. Only me. The red buzzing hovers at the edge of my periphery constantly.
The only way I've found to ignore it is to ignore everything.
I know my alphas and beta are worried about me. Hearing Kade talking to his father about what we're going through was hard to come to terms with.
How do I stop being such an inconvenience? Even when I'm not doing anything, I'm scaring them. Then if I so much as stand up to use the bathroom, everyone stands with me.
Kade and Jarek had to go back to work this morning. They've taken way too much time off for me, doing a number on my guilt. Their tethers have tightened around me too. Especially since I can't tell them what's going on.
I don't even know if I want to. What if they accuse me of not feeling like they're enough? Like I'm seeking something out because I don't feel fulfilled? How would I convince them that's not true at all?
It's not true, it's not true, it's not true!
I don't care how fucked up I've been this past month. Nothing is wrong. Except for this damn redness tainting my subconscious.
"What do you want to watch now, princess?"
Forcing myself to pay attention, I glance down at Silas. He's been dubbed babysitter for the day, but at least he seems to be enjoying himself. Still in his pajama pants with a bowl of chocolate on his stomach and his head in my lap, he looks like he's soaking in all the relaxation he can get.
Absently, I stroke my fingers through his hair to keep me grounded.
I can't slip away and poke at things that don't matter.
What is important is my beta having a cozy movie day with me and his delicious lips smiling up at me.
How can anything be wrong when this is our Wednesday?
It's perfect. He's perfect. I'm...a mess.
"You're so beautiful, Vivie," he whispers while placing an M&M between my lips.
The flavor explodes in my mouth, encouraging me to sink into this cozy feeling.
"I don't mean just your looks but you, princess.
Even when you have so much going on in that smart head of yours, you have this look of pure serenity like you handle everything with grace. My princess."
I fight not to narrow my eyes because there's no way that can be true. There is a lot of nastiness in my head sometimes, and I don't think I hide it very well.
He's not done. "When you poke around in the bond, your head tips back and your lips curve into the cutest smile. No frown lines, no tension. Just you feeling us and thriving in our love for you."
Uh oh. Stiffening, I sense a but coming.
"I feel you in there right now, but you're frowning, Vivie.
Please tell me what's wrong. You know we can't experience the depth of it like you can but even I, a beta, can feel that something is off.
And it goes beyond your body language. No, no," he rushes out and sits up, wrapping his arms around me.
"Keep your eyes open. Please don't leave me again. Just stay."
Tears immediately spring to my eyes. I've been shutting them out and no amount of justifying it makes it feel okay. It's not okay.
Reaching forward, I place my hand on Silas' cheek. My lips twist as I fight my emotions. Judging by the way his eyes widen and he reaches for me, showing him how I'm feeling is exactly what he needs.
So...I cry. I allow my emotions to tumble out quietly and soak his shirt. There's a lot we need to talk about, but I would like to try to figure out what's going on one last time by myself. I can't stand the thought of dumping this on them without any kind of answer. They're stressed enough as is.
My wonderful beta continues to hold me as I wrestle with my mind. I feel Kade and Jarek's worry, but I snuggle further into Silas. They have stuff to do, and I'm completely happy with Silas' comfort.
I don't always need a big, burly alpha to growl my issues away.
The quiet intensity of him allows me the ability to sit with the yucky stuff.
I know he's thinking hard about how he can help me, but he never tells me to stop crying.
Jarek and Kade have flipped out over my tears a time or two only for me to cry harder. It's a mess. I'm a mess.
Sighing, I tip my head back and kiss his jaw. Thank you. Silas nuzzles my cheek in response and murmurs, "I love you."
Without hesitation or anxiety in my throat, I reply, "I love you."
Like he usually does when I speak after a long silent streak, Silas breathes a relieved sigh and squeezes me tight.
The hug puts too much pressure on my bladder though, so I wiggle away and am grateful when he lets me go.
He's better about that than the alphas are.
Sometimes I have to really demand to be let go. Snuggly beasts.
"Bathroom," I explain for his peace of mind and rush out of the living room.
His chuckle makes me smile as I go. While I do my business, I realize that the time I've spent with Silas today has cleared my mind a bit. Crying definitely helped, as did breaking through the barrier built around my voice.
I feel a little freer and lighter as I wash my hands and splash some water on my face. The spattering of redness on my cheeks from crying makes my eyes shine a little more. I'd venture to say I look a bit rough, but at least I look kind of glowy.
Wrestling with my tongue, I stare myself down in the mirror and attempt something I haven't done since I was a tween.
I give myself a pep talk—the same one my nana used to demand I do every time I saw her.
Gosh, I miss her. "I am beautiful. I am strong.
I am different and not wrong. I have boundaries.
I have grace. I have a voice and am not a disgrace. "
My words don't waver or falter. She taught me it well, and I've retained it better than any lesson in school. I believe her words even if I am the one saying them now.
Repeating it one last time with a stronger tone, I nod at myself and leave the bathroom. I need to figure this shit out, but I don't need to do it alone.
"Silas," I call, heart pounding.
I'm nervous about how he'll react to what we're about to do, but he's the perfect mate to help me. Also, I'll never not blush when they react to me saying their names. Hearing my voice never gets old for them, and their excitement every time never gets old for me.
"Yeah, princess?" he asks, curious and sweet from his spot still on the couch.
Nibbling my lip, I look toward the door knowing it's the only thing in my way from going after the red tether.
"No, Vivie," Silas now stands beside me, having rushed over while I was distracted. "We're staying inside."
His voice is stern, and while that usually encourages the safety of submission, I just can't. So I shake my head and harden my eyes just enough to make his widen.
The only time my pack experiences my backbone is when I'm feeling sassy or in the middle of heat.
Silas knows this is different. I'm serious and I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not even asking.
"Come with me?" I ask, using my words strategically. I'm asking him to join me, not for permission.
Cursing after a moment of studying my face, Silas glances at the office door at the back of the house. He nods. "You're putting shoes and a jacket on this time. And a fucking hat too. Gloves," he adds, thrusting the items at me one by one as he sees them.
I don't say a word, just tug them on. It's over fifty degrees outside, but I get it—I traumatized them. I'm just glad Silas didn't shout for our alphas or lock me in a room.
He tugs on his boots and forgoes a jacket. I turn to the door with a roll of my eyes and begin my trek toward answers. Or that's what I'm hoping for at least. I can't live with this lingering on the side of my pack bond.
"What are we doing out here, Vivian?" Silas asks after a few minutes of walking beside me.
Pulling my hand up to my mouth, I silently shush him. "Focusing," I say, and turn inward.
Silas sucks in a breath as I no doubt show signs of slight detachment.
With him fluttering around my little butterfly in the bond as we get further from Jarek and Kade, I'm pleasantly surprised that the daunting presence doesn't freak me out so much.
Silas is my strength right now and I couldn't be more appreciative.
Reaching out, I take his hand and tug him along. He doesn't ask any more questions, and I don't think much of it until I can literally feel the vibrations of the red tether.
The odd combination of studying the agitated presence and paying attention to Silas' lack of reaction makes it easy to pull myself out of my mind. Turning to my beta, I frown up at him. "Do you not feel that?"
His eyebrows pull together, bunching the skin in confusion. Darting back and forth, Silas' golden brown eyes try to figure out what I'm saying. "Feel what, princess?"
I know he can't see it the way I can, and the frustration of being alone in this almost makes me stomp my foot. A growl slips out instead, startling Silas a bit but he's quick to grab my chin. "Don't you growl at me, Omega. I'm your mate, not your enemy."
"But you don't feel it!" I snap, bringing my hands up to the side of my head and yank on my hair. "I don't—I can't—" Fists bunching against my scalp, I do actually stomp my foot now.
"Alright, that's enough of that," Silas demands, prying my fingers away one at a time with a stern expression on his face.
His tan features darken even further when he sees I've pulled out maybe three hairs.
"Don't roll your eyes at me. We're going inside right now.
I don't know what you feel, I'm sorry I don't, but I can't figure out what's going on when you're hurting yourself.
I literally can't think about anything else when you do shit like that. "
Before I can release a breath, Kade's voice booms across the yard. "What's going on?!"
"Nothing!" Silas shouts, taking one of my hands in his before tugging me toward the house. "We're going to talk about this, princess. Okay? The hissing and growling included. We'll help you figure this out, but you have to let us."
I have no clue how they can help if they don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
Annoyed and feeling unnaturally lonely, I swallow my words and let him bring me back to the anxious alphas waiting for us.
I've scared them again. The closer I get to them, the more my fear takes a backseat because I once again pulled them from their workday.
I thought if I could get Silas to get closer to it, he would be on the same page as me. No, this just makes me even fucking more complicated for them.
"Baby, are you okay?" Kade breathes, swooping me into his arms. Clearly I've rattled him again. I didn't think there would be this strong of a reaction considering it wasn't raining and I had Silas with me.
I nod, because that's what he needs to hear. Jarek narrows his eyes at me over Kade's shoulder. Dropping my gaze, I allow my more submissive side to wiggle awake and shield me from having to figure out what to do now.
My alpha needs to take care of me to soothe his instincts, and I'm at a loss again. Kade swoops me into his arms and mumbles something about his leftover soup.
My brain tries to fight me, but my omega enjoys the attention and caring vibes of her alpha. Sinking into his hold, I turn my mind off for a little while. Hopefully when he's calmed down and I've had a moment to relax, I'll have a plan.
I just need a plan that won't trigger any of us. Which will be tough to do considering we all deal with the load of my baggage. I'll figure it out.