Chapter 32
Thirty-Two
Vivian
Ifeel like I'm losing my mind. As if it's no longer my own or maybe I've changed so drastically in the past, who knows how long, that I can't control my emotions.
I once thought that my ability to check out and slip away from the world was a problem. Mainly because people told me it was. But now, fuck, it's a reprieve. It's the only time I feel like myself.
I've never had so many moments of all-consuming rage before. My body literally vibrates like there's something inside of me that needs out. Then Riot will take a deep breath, say something gentle and reassuring, and it fades.
That in itself is infuriating. Why am I so influenced by his shit? Only my pack mates should be able to make me anxious with their big feelings and help me feel better with their soft looks and smiles.
Obviously I know that statement screams of attachment issues, but I think everyone who has ever met me knows I have a whole grocery list of items wrong with me.
Riot sees it. Fuck, does he see it. Sometimes I feel embarrassed; other times I'm wondering why the hell he still acts like he cares.
My pack has never seen me this way, yet a stranger gets to judge me during the worst time of my life.
There are moments of connection between me and Riot, but I either get sucked into my depression and self-loathing, or Riot gets pissed off about something and distances himself.
I hate that the physical distance he puts between us makes my chest feel heavy.
As if each foot away from me is another pound of dead weight on my creaky bones.
I will not break though. Not for Riot and not for the guards.
No matter how many times I defy them and get my ass beat or my water supply taken away, it doesn't matter. It really is okay because I will fight for my connection with my mates until my dying breath.
Kade, Silas, and Jarek have earned my love, devotion, loyalty, submission, and attention. These guards, the people who aim to hurt and belittle me, have earned nothing but deeper growls, longer hisses, and claw-like nails.
I have no weapon, no pack to shield me, so I must rise to the occasion. I've done it too many times to count at this point, and I'll continue. No matter how many times Riot begs me to just give in and give up. He doesn't say those words, but I know he wants me to be docile to reduce the damage.
The only time anyone can get me to lie down and be what they desire is when they use their words instead of their fists. If I get out of here, my next goal should be to take back the power words have over me.
I'll never be able to ignore my pack, but I shouldn't let these abusive assholes have any sway over my insecurities. I mean, for fuck’s sake, these people are literally the world’s worst inhabitants. In no realm should their thoughts and opinions have any influence over me.
My chest vibrates with a lingering growl that feels like it's been going on for forever. I'm sick of crying, so my only other option is to get mad. I just wish it would be productive.
It's not, and it only serves to draw Riot's attention.
Which is what I don't want. I'm trying my hardest to leave him alone and be small so I don't bother him.
He's been struggling since I got back from isolation which I think was yesterday.
All I know is I've gotten two more visits that resulted with a bruise on my thigh, no water access, a slap across the cheek, and no mattress.
"Vivian, you're doing it again," Riot rumbles without looking at me. I didn't even realize I was matching his growl.
Fuck.
Realizing I can't be here with him without making shit worse, I close my eyes and tip my head back to the ceiling.
White swirls around, blinding me as I situate myself in the safety of a tiny butterfly on the outside. I don't want to be in my body anymore. Plus I'm afraid if I allowed my focus to shift into my ethereal form, I might suck my bonds in and beg for them to hold me.
Jarek's close to my drooping body. His golden tether spins rapidly around my torso, seemingly panicked by its rare opportunity to touch me.
The distance between his bond and me makes my wings flutter with anxiety and sadness.
My omega side cries out, wanting to gather my mates and hold them so tight they'd have no choice but to feel all of my pain and sorrow.
A flash of red draws my attention, showing me Riot's buzzing form cinched around my bicep.
Every so often Jarek's gold meshes with Riot, and I swear they both shudder and blend, calming both their erratic energies.
Could it be possible that Jarek is the reason Riot takes deep breaths randomly and seems to calm himself?
Hope springs to life in my mind and heart. Nobody should live with the amount of anger that Riot does. I won't acknowledge that I ever thought this, but I bet Jay would be good for him.
White snaps and shoots through the green hue that is my subconscious. Kade. Desperate and lacking control, he whooshes around, frantically trying to breach the invisible walls I have up to keep them safe. Riot’s the closest, Jarek's second, and Kade is on the outside studying my whereabouts.
Silas on the other hand...my heart breaks watching his blue tether swirl around aimlessly.
Where he once wove himself through my fingers and around every inch of me in his soothing, teasing way, he's slow and sluggish.
I watch as he brushes up against Kade and Jarek every so often, working his magic to soothe their souls in the bond. He's helping but he's also struggling.
I want to scream into the bond that it's for their own good. That I know what I'm doing. But each pulse of Riot in the bond, in a place he wasn't invited, shows how little I actually know about what's going on. I'm lost and scared, floating about without even flapping my wings.
My safe space within the bonds isn't meant for confusion or sadness. Yet that's all I feel here. That and unbridled fear.
My mates are so alive with negative energy that it feels like second nature to reach out and coax it from them.
I'll take the yuckies because I've been dealing with similar shit for as long as I can recall.
I'll take the sadness, anxiety, and uncertainty because I can.
I'll wield it when they can't. What hinders them could help me.
If they're going to find me, they need to think straight, and with how their bonds are acting, it would be a miracle if they could even get a wink of sleep.
I need my mates strong and focused. Plus, if I'm going to get out of here, I need more energy too.