Chapter Five
RILEY
The space beside me is cold when I wake, and the sheets are still tucked in tight around the edge, which tells me Kieran didn’t come to bed last night. Again.
My hand drifts over to the empty side, then curls into a fist.
I guess this is our new normal. Even when Kieran is technically home, it’s like he’s somewhere else entirely, his head so occupied with familial politics that it has little room for anything else.
Pushing the covers off, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, my body feeling heavy from sleep.
I have no reason to get up, not really. Now that school is over for the summer, I could easily spend the day in bed watching movies, but I know that will only make me feel worse.
What I need is a distraction, and I have a feeling Ciara does too.
Just as I’m about to head into the bathroom to shower, a folded slip of paper on my bedside table catches my eye.
My chest tightens before I even unfold it.
Riley,
Had to go out of town just for the day. I’ll make it up to you when I get home. Promise.
– K
My eyes stay on the note for a long time.
I’m sure Kieran meant for it to be comforting, but this is just another reminder that I’m not enough to anchor him here.
I’m not happy he’s gone, far from it, but there’s a flicker of relief hidden underneath the disappointment.
At least with him away, I don’t have to be consumed by guilt.
I can have a whole day where I don’t have to look at him and wonder if he’ll hate me when he finds out about the baby, and that makes me breathe a little easier.
I drag myself into the shower and throw on a tennis skirt and a tank top before heading downstairs to make a coffee.
The morning light streams through the French windows, making the marble countertops glisten.
I start working on the coffee machine, making sure to savor the ritual now that I have to cut down to one cup a day.
God, I miss the days when I could down three or four cups without a second thought.
Cutting down to one has been the hardest part of this pregnancy so far.
But that might be because I’ve just come off the back of college finals where I practically needed to inject the caffeine right into my veins just to get through the day.
While the coffee brews, I grab a mug and prepare some ginger tea for Ciara, making sure to add a heaping spoonful of honey to sweeten it.
I’ve barely set the drinks on a tray when Ronan strides into the kitchen, barefoot and shirtless, with his dark hair sticking up like he just rolled out of bed.
I still find it strange seeing Ronan look so domesticated. I’m used to the version of him that doesn’t even have to open his mouth to make men crumble. And just because he’s swapped his crisp black suit for a pair of sweatpants doesn’t mean I would want to get on the wrong side of him.
He eyes the mugs. “Is one of those for Ciara?”
“Yeah. I figured she could use it.”
He winces, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I’d be careful if I were you. She’s on the warpath today. Apparently, I don’t know what it’s like to be nine months pregnant with twins, and everything I say is the wrong thing.”
Despite myself, I laugh.
“Well, she’s not wrong on the first part.”
He shoots me a dry look, but his lips twitch. “Thanks for the sympathy.”
“Anytime.” I grin. “Don’t worry, I have something planned for today that will help to take her mind off the fact she’s about to push two watermelons out of her body.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Well, I was thinking we could have a girls’ day. I thought we could have her friend Mila come over and my friend Lucy and hang out by the pool. Only if you’re okay with that,” I add, realizing I didn’t consider the security measures that will need to be in place to get the girls here.
“I’m okay with whatever makes Ciara happy.” Ronan grabs a mug out of the cabinet and sets it on the coffee machine. “Do whatever you have to do, Riley.”
“I’m starting to think that you might actually be a little bit scared of your wife.” I laugh.
“Honestly? Right now, she terrifies me.”
I’m still chuckling under my breath as I carry the tray upstairs and nudge open Ciara’s door with my foot.
She’s propped up in the enormous bed by a fortress of pillows, watching some reality show on her tablet.
“Morning. I come bearing tea.”
She scowls, adjusting the messy bun on top of her head. “Better make it strong. The twins kicked me in the ribs all night long.”
“It’s got extra honey and a secret ingredient.”
Her brows lift. “What’s that?”
“Your husband’s balls.” I laugh, and Ciara snorts.
“I’m being such a bitch to him. I swear, I have no control over anything anymore. He doesn’t even need to open his mouth and I’m biting his head off.”
“I think he can take it. Besides, I thought of something that might cheer you up.” I set the tray down on the bedside table and climb onto the bed beside her.
“Oh?”
“I thought we could have a girls’ day. Ronan said we can invite Mila and Lucy over and sit out by the pool, drink mocktails, and eat junk food.”
For the first time in a while, Ciara’s whole face lights up as she grins. “That actually sounds amazing.”
Lucy arrives a few hours later with enough takeout to feed an army, and the three of us set up outside.
Ciara stretches out across the daybed under an umbrella, and I curl up in the armchair beside her as Lucy sprawls on a lounger in view of the full sun.
The air is warm but not to the point where it’s suffocating, and the pool glitters in the sunlight.
Lying here surrounded by friends makes it easy to forget that I am technically living inside a cage.
While we wait for Mila to arrive, the three of us sip our mocktails.
Lucy turns to Ciara. “Tell me all about your renovation plans for the house.”
Ciara brightens, and the way they talk makes it seem like they’ve known each other for years, just like I thought would happen.
It brings a smile to my face seeing these two different sides of my life come together, even if it’s only for an afternoon.
The sun is high when the doorbell rings.
I’m setting down another round of mocktails on the table by the pool when a moment later, Mila sweeps into the backyard like she owns the place, with sunglasses perched on her head and an NYU tote bag dangling from her arm.
“Ladies!” Mila holds up her bag. “I brought chocolate. None of that seventy percent cacao nonsense that tastes like sadness, but the good kind.”
Ciara groans dramatically as she eagerly reaches for it.
“Finally. If Ronan brings me another protein bar, I swear to God—”
“Poor man.” Mila drops the tote into Ciara’s lap and kisses her on the cheek. “He’s trying to keep you alive, and you’re over here threatening him.”
“Alive? Yes. Happy? No.”
Lucy and I laugh as Mila collapses into a chair. She’s just how Ciara described. Effortlessly chic with her cropped black hair, bright red lipstick, and long, lean limbs.
After some quick introductions between Mila and Lucy, I set out the food, and the four of us quickly dig into lunch.
Mila navigates around a mouthful of pad thai. “So, tell me, how are my godbabies doing? Causing chaos yet?”
Ciara sighs. “Constantly. One of them has hiccups right now, and the other is kicking me in the ribs.”
“You deserve it. It’s payback for the time you convinced me to wear white jeans to Ed Garrison’s house party.”
Lucy perks up, glancing eagerly between Ciara and Mila. “Oh, story time! Do tell.”
“Oh, it’s simple. She swore that I wouldn’t regret my outfit choice because it was meant to be a chill gathering. But half an hour into the party, some idiot drops a full solo cup of sangria down my leg. I looked like a walking crime scene.”
We burst into laughter, and Ciara hides her grin behind her drink.
“Okay, but you were an idiot for trusting me in the first place. Besides, I’m pretty sure it led to you and Ed hooking up in the laundry room at his parents’ house.”
“That’s not the point.”
Ciara lifts a brow. “Isn’t it? I recall you saying he was the biggest you ever had…”
I laugh. “I think I might have to take Ciara’s side on this one. Sounds like it worked out in your favor.”
Mila points a perfectly manicured finger at Ciara. “Don’t fall for the poor pregnant woman act. She is a master manipulator.”
“And yet, you’re still my best friend. So, clearly, I’m a saint.”
Lucy cracks up. “You think that’s bad? Riley once decided she could dye my hair, and it ended up turning orange.”
I puff my chest. “Neon orange.”
Mila claps. “Please tell me there are photos.”
I scowl. “Sadly not. Someone destroyed them.”
Lucy smirks. “Self-preservation.”
“I love this.” Ciara laughs. “I think we need a group chat called ‘Bad Decisions.’”
“Speak for yourself. Some of us have reputations to uphold.”
Lucy pats my knee. “Sweetheart, you married a Sullivan. Your reputation is already shot.”
The laughter comes again, but this time, it hits differently in my chest.
It’s true that whatever normal life looks like, this isn’t it.
As if to underline that thought, Lucy narrows her eyes at me. “Speaking of Sullivans, where is Kieran today? I’m surprised he let you out of his sight.”
My fork stalls over my food, but I quickly force a smile before anyone notices.
“He had to go out of town last minute for some work stuff. You know how it is.” I glance at Ciara, who rolls her eyes.
“Sure do.”
“So, Ciara, have you come up with any new baby names to give to Ronan?” I catch Lucy’s eye. It’s as if she can tell what I’m doing.
Thankfully, she doesn’t say anything.
I haven’t seen her in person since the day we took the pregnancy tests together, and I’m nervous to admit to her that I’m yet to tell Kieran about the baby.
“I got him good this morning.” Ciara laughs, setting down her empty plate and reaching for some chocolate.
Mila is bouncing on her seat. “Oh, tell us.”
“So, I suggested Maverick Danger for the boy and Tulip Sunshine for the girl. I’m pretty sure he actually Googled how to veto baby names without starting a fight.”
I laugh. “You’re cruel.”
Ciara grins. “He’s so easy to wind up.”
Lucy is laughing too. “Poor Ronan. Honestly, I don’t know how he survives in this house with you two.”
“Barely.” Ciara winks at me.
“What if he calls your bluff and you end up calling your kids Maverick and Tulip?”
“Honestly, it would be worth it.”
All four of us burst out laughing, and we spend the next hour coming up with more and more ridiculous names until Ciara has a long list on her phone to share with Ronan.
I feel bad for the guy, but we have to entertain ourselves somehow.
Ciara chuckles, setting down her phone. “I’ll forward these to you to use on Kieran.”
I flinch as Mila looks between the two of us, a deep frown etched between her dark brows.
“Why would Riley need a list of fake baby names?”
I guess there’s no point denying the truth, considering that both Ciara and Lucy know the secret I’ve been carrying around for the past few weeks.
“I’m…pregnant.”
“Seriously?”
I can’t tell if Mila’s expression is one of surprise or horror at the idea of me carrying Kieran’s child.
“Seriously.”
She leans back in her chair. “These Sullivan men are obnoxiously fertile. I take it that this wasn’t planned?”
“Definitely not. It was a mistake on my part. I doubled up on my pill and thought I was safe. Clearly, I wasn’t.”
“But it’s amazing news, nonetheless.” Ciara reaches across to squeeze my hand.
I offer her a smile in return, but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
Lucy is never one to dance around a subject. “Have you told Kieran yet?”
The fruity mocktail turns sour on my tongue as I take a sip, wondering whether it’s worth lying. But then I consider the fallout if Kieran ends up finding out the truth from Ronan and Ciara by accident.
I wipe the condensation off the side of my glass. “Not yet. And I would appreciate it if it stayed that way. At least for a little longer.”
Ciara frowns. “Why?”
I bite my lip, debating whether to hold onto the truth. But then the words tumble out before I have a chance to stop them.
“Because I overheard him talking to Ronan. He said he’s not sure he ever wants kids.”
Mila scoffs. “It’s a little late for that.”
“He also said that if he does have kids, he’s terrified he’ll screw them up.”
Lucy and Ciara exchange a look.
Lucy shrugs. “He’s a man. They panic. It’s what they do. It doesn’t mean he won’t be happy when he finds out you’re pregnant.”
Ciara nods. “Exactly. Ronan was a mess when I first told him I was pregnant. He masked it, of course, because he’s Ronan.
But I could tell that he was freaking out.
Having a baby is scary. It changes everything about your life and your relationship, and it can take some people a little longer to come to terms with that. ”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. What if he looks at me and all he sees is a trap? What if I lose him?”
Mila sets her empty glass down beside her. “I don’t know you very well, so excuse my bluntness, but your relationship with Kieran sort of started out as a trap.”
“Mila,” Ciara warns, but I hold up a hand.
“It’s okay. Go ahead.”
“I mean, from what I know of Kieran, I assume he wasn’t thrilled about the idea of being fake married to some girl he’s never met.”
“No, he wasn’t.”
“Yet, you managed to turn that situation into something real. And I’m not trying to be funny, but if you can survive that, I think you can survive this.”
“She makes great points.” Ciara smiles at Mila. “That's why I keep her around.”
Lucy leans forward and offers me a reassuring smile.
“You’re not going to lose him. You just have to give him a chance to show you.”
Ciara nods. “And keeping it a secret? That’s only going to make it harder.”
“I just…” I exhale shakily. “I want to make sure everything’s okay first. There’s no point in saying anything until I see the OBGYN, right? Once I know for sure everything’s fine, then I’ll tell him.”
I glance at each of the girls, hoping to see them nodding.
Instead, they all look unconvinced by my reasoning.
Lucy shakes her head. “Kieran’s going to be pissed if he misses the first appointment.”
“I’ll deal with that. But I think I need to do this my way.”
There’s a long silence before Ciara sighs. “Fine. But, Riley, don’t wait too long. Secrets like this have a way of blowing up in your face.”
“I know. I’ll tell him. I promise.”
But even as I say it, my stomach twists because promising is the easy part.
Following through on that promise is the part I’m not ready for.