Chapter Twenty-One
RILEY
The weight of the news that I might lose my baby weighs on me since I leave the doctor’s office.
I’m quiet the whole ride home and as Jace parks the car in the garage. It takes everything I have to keep from falling apart.
I just need to make it to my bedroom, and then I can let it all out, unless, of course, I run into Kieran.
I suck a breath as I try to hold back my tears.
Thankfully, the kitchen is quiet, so I quickly sneak through to the foyer, and when I catch no signs of life coming from any of the downstairs rooms, I let out a sigh of relief.
It seems like Kieran has either gone out, or he’s locked himself away in Ronan’s office, which means I don’t have to face him for a while just yet.
I need some space in order to pull myself together because I know the moment I look into those brown eyes, I’m going to fall apart.
As I reach the stairs, my phone starts vibrating in my bag, and when I pull it out, Lucy’s name flashes across the screen.
I hesitate, my thumb hovering over the answer button. I know she’s calling to ask how my appointment went, and I know I’ll have to tell her the truth at some point, so I might as well rip off the band-aid now.
I quickly hurry up the stairs and lock myself in my room before swiping the screen to accept the call.
“Well? How did it go?”
I swallow as a familiar lump starts to form in my throat.
“It…it went…” I take a breath and force a smile, but it’s not enough to convince Lucy of anything.
“Has something happened?”
“Dr. Rogers confirmed the pregnancy.” I sink to the floor at the foot of the bed. “But the heartbeat’s slow.”
“Slow? What does that mean?”
“It could mean…he said it could mean I lose the baby—” I choke on the words and have to clamp a hand over my mouth to stifle my sob.
It feels like my heart is being cracked open, and there is nothing I can do to repair it. Everything feels as if it’s spinning out of control, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop any time soon.
Lucy is quiet for a moment as she looks at me through the screen.
“Riley. You’re not going to lose this baby.”
“You don’t know that.”
“No, but—”
“Every article I’ve read on the drive back from the clinic says the same thing. A slow heartbeat equals a miscarriage. It’s…it’s basically a death sentence.”
“You can’t rely on Google searches. You’ll drive yourself insane.”
I wipe my eyes. “I already am.”
“What did the doctor say exactly? Not what you think he meant, but what he actually said.”
I replay the conversation with Dr. Rogers in my head.
“He said it might not mean anything. That it’s not unheard of for the heartbeat to be slow this early, that we wouldn’t know more until after a few tests. But it didn’t sound good, Lucy. I could tell.”
“Or maybe you’re just a terrified mother. Which makes everything sound worse than it is.”
I don’t answer, because maybe she’s right, but there’s also a high chance that maybe she’s wrong, and I don’t know which is worse.
“I’ll call you later, okay? I just… I need a minute to process everything.”
“Sure thing. But promise me you won’t Google anything else.”
I don’t answer, and she groans.
“Riley—”
“I’ll try. I promise.”
“Okay. Well, call me later?”
I only manage to nod before hanging up the call.
But the second the line goes dead, I curl up into a ball on the floor and let the tears fall.
I cry to the point of exhaustion, but that still isn’t enough for sleep to come, so I turn back to Google and dive deeper into every unanswered question I have.
By the time the sun shifts in the sky, my search history is nothing but an endless list of medical terms I don’t understand.
My eyes blur as I read the same sentence over and over again: slow fetal heartbeat in early pregnancy often indicates impending miscarriage.
My stomach twists, and I press my hand against it like I can shield the baby from all the statistics and percentages and terrifying medical jargon.
I should have told Kieran about the pregnancy from the start.
If something happens, how the hell am I supposed to explain any of this? That I knew I was pregnant and hid it from him? That I didn’t give him the chance to come around to the idea of being a father before it was ripped away from him?
I’m still sitting on the floor at the base of the bed, drowning in guilt, when Ciara appears in the doorway, wearing a set of pink and white striped pajamas with her hair wet and loose around her shoulders.
“You should be in bed,” I mumble when she closes the door behind her. “Ronan will be mad.”
“Ronan can get over it. I wanted to see you.”
“Why?”
“Because I was worried when you didn’t come and tell me about your appointment with Dr. Rogers.” She waddles over to me.
When I say nothing, she places her hands on her hips and gives me a look I know her kids will one day come to fear.
“Please don’t make me sit on the floor because you and I both know I won’t be able to get back up.”
I bite down on my lower lip as I get to my feet and move to sit at the end of the bed.
Ciara eases herself down beside me and places an arm around my shoulders. “I’m guessing the appointment didn’t go well.”
The dam breaks, and everything comes spilling out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop it.
My voice cracks as I tell her of the low heartbeat and the high chance of miscarriage, but Ciara doesn’t interrupt. She just lets me talk until the words run dry.
I wipe my cheeks. “God, listen to me. I’m unloading all of this on you when you’re about to give birth to twins. You don’t need this.”
“Riley. Stop. You don’t get to apologize for being scared. That’s what I’m here for.”
“But you—”
“I’m fine. I have Ronan and Elena and countless other help to make sure I don’t even have to wipe my own butt if I don’t want to. You, on the other hand, are carrying this on your own. So no, don’t you dare feel guilty for needing me.”
The tears stream down my cheeks, and I press my palms against my eyes, trying to steady my breathing.
“Listen to me. You don’t know what’s going to happen. None of us do. So, don’t torture yourself until you have something real to torture yourself about.”
I take a shuddering breath as I lower my hands to my lap. “That’s easier said than done.”
“Of course, it is. But you’re stronger than you think. And your baby is stronger than you think, too.”
I nod, but the fear is still there, slowly suffocating me.
God, I want to believe her, I really do. But how can I ignore the facts when they’re staring at me in the face?
“What’s your next appointment?”
“In a few days.”
“And does Kieran know?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think it’s time you tell him? It sounds like you’ll need the support.”
I shake my head. “I can’t tell him. Not until I know for sure what’s going on. I don’t want to give him anything else to worry about. He’s already got so much on his plate, he doesn’t need this too.”
Ciara frowns. “So, what’s the plan? You can’t use me as an excuse again, not when he called your fake errand for me an unnecessary risk.”
I groan, running my hands through my hair. “I know. That’s the problem. I can’t keep making up excuses.”
“Then don’t.”
I shoot her a look. “Be serious.”
“I am.”
“I can’t tell him, Ciara. This would break him.”
“And you think keeping it from him won’t?”
“No, but…” I don’t have an answer for her. “Either way, I hurt him.”
“So, you might as well just rip off the band-aid now.”
I shake my head.
She huffs. “I didn’t think it was possible to find someone as stubborn as me, but right now, I think I might have met my match. So, if you’re not going to tell him, how exactly do you plan on getting to your appointment?”
I chew on my lip as I consider my options.
Ciara’s right. I can’t use her as an excuse again, and I’ve already used Lucy when I secretly met up with Oscar.
The faintest thread of an idea clicks into place. It’s fragile, but it could be the answer I’ve been looking for.
“Is there a café near Dr. Rogers’ office?” I ask.
Ciara narrows her eyes. “There’s a bistro right next door, why? Riley, what are you planning?”
“What if I tell Kieran I’m meeting Oscar there?”
Her eyes widen. “Oscar? As in, your brother?”
“Yeah.”
She holds up a hand. “I’m sorry, give me a second. Since when is Oscar in the picture?”
“Since a couple of weeks ago.” I shift on the bed so that I can tuck my legs underneath me.
“You’re lucky I’m pregnant, Riley Walsh, because I would be kicking your ass halfway to Seattle by now.”
“He wants to make amends.”
“And sneaking you into an OB appointment behind Kieran’s back classifies as making amends?”
“I mean, he can cover for me if Kieran checks in. He owes me that much.”
“You really think Kieran’s going to sign off on you spending time with your brother?”
“Honestly? No. But it’s worth a shot.”
Ciara exhales slowly, and I can see the skepticism in her eyes. She knows this plan is a long shot, and so do I, but it’s the only one I have.
“Riley…”
“I have to go to this scan. I have to know. And if lying is the only way to make it happen, then that’s what I’ll do.” My voice cracks again, betraying just how desperate I feel.
It seems to be enough to get Ciara to give in.
“All right. I’ll help you make it work in whatever way I can.”
Relief floods through me, though the feeling is fleeting because I know this plan could still blow up in my face.
But I have to hold on to that tiny thread of hope, however flimsy, because right now it’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely.
By the time Kieran finally emerges from Ronan’s office, it’s past eight, and I’m curled up on the couch in the living room with a blanket wrapped around me, pretending to scroll aimlessly through my phone, though in reality I haven’t taken in a single word or picture on the screen.
“There’s my little dove.”
“Hey.” I glance up to meet his eyes.
The exhaustion is written all over his face and in the way his hair is all messy from where he’s been running his hands through it all day.
He crosses the room in a few long strides and drops onto the couch beside me. His arm goes around my shoulders, tugging me into him, and despite my guilt, I let him.
“Rough day?” I ask.
“Same as always.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head, his lips lingering there for a second before pulling away. “What about you? You look…sad.”
I force a small smile as the knot in my stomach tightens.
“I’m just tired.”
Kieran doesn’t look convinced, but thankfully, he lets it go.
“What do you say we throw on a movie? Or…” His mouth curves into a sly grin. “We could take a bath together. Relax a little.”
My chest tightens to the point of pain.
God, I want nothing more than to be submerged in a bubble bath while wrapped up in Kieran’s arms. But the moment I look up into his tired eyes, the guilt surges through me so hard that it hurts to breathe.
“I don’t feel like it tonight.” I lower my gaze to my lap.
But Kieran takes my chin in his hand and forces my head up so I can’t avoid his gaze.
“Riley.” His voice is soft but insistent. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”
I fight to hold eye contact. “I told you. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Are you sure that’s all? Because you know you can tell me anything, right?”
My lower lip trembles as my eyes sting with fresh tears.
He’s not going to let this go unless I give him some kind of answer.
“I-I’m just worried about my safety, that’s all,” I lie.
Kieran’s eyes soften as he gently strokes his fingers along my jaw.
“Listen to me. I’ll keep you safe, but you also have to meet me halfway. No more unnecessary trips out of the house, okay? If Ciara needs anything else delivered to the doctor, I can do it.”
Crap. If he’s putting his foot down about running an errand, there’s no way he’s going to let me out to visit with Oscar for a few hours.
“I know. But being stuck in this house all day…it’s suffocating. Getting to leave on that errand today did wonders for me. It made me feel like I had a normal life for a while.”
Kieran frowns, but I can tell he’s not ready to give in yet.
I shake my head. “This house might represent safety, but to me, it’s a cage.”
“I’d rather you feel trapped than have to bury you.”
I flinch at his words. “Kieran—”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you, even if you hate me for it.”
“I could never hate you. You’re everything to me, Kieran.”
“And you’re everything to me too, little dove. Which is why I have to keep you safe.”
“I know.”
“Well, I’ll let you relax. But don’t shut me out, okay?”
“Yeah. I know.”
He has no idea how badly I want to tell him everything, how much I need him to take this burden from me, but I can’t. Not yet.
Kieran presses another kiss to my temple before getting to his feet.
“I’ll let you rest. Don’t stay up too late, okay?”
I nod, keeping my eyes fixed on my lap until his footsteps retreat upstairs. Only then do I let the tears fall.
It’s past midnight by the time I force myself upstairs to bed.
Kieran is lying on his back with one arm folded behind his head and the other resting on his chest as he sleeps.
I crawl into bed beside him and turn my back to him as I tuck the blanket around me.
As if sensing me, Kieran shifts onto his side and drapes an arm over my waist. His warmth seeps into me, but instead of easing my worry, it only makes the guilt sharper.
He trusts me completely, but I’m doing nothing but lying to him in return.
I look down to where his hand rests on my waist and catch sight of the gold band around his ring finger, a symbol of the promise we made to each other.
A promise that I’m terrified I’m already breaking.