Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
RILEY
I didn’t know it was possible to feel such happiness and grief at the same time. Both emotions are so delicately entwined that it’s hard to know where one stops and the other begins.
My baby is going to be all right; it’s going to survive. But I can’t say the same for my relationship with Kieran.
There is no us.
I shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction, and yet I thought hearing our baby’s heartbeat would somehow soften the blow of my betrayal. I was wrong.
I sit beside Jace in the back of the SUV on the drive back to Washington Heights. I half expect a lecture from him, as I have no doubt Kieran is just as pissed with him as he is with me.
But Jace stays quiet, and so do Leo and Wesley.
My phone buzzes nonstop with incoming messages, but when I see nothing but my brother’s name on the screen, I decide to shut my phone off.
Oscar is going to be pissed that I dragged him into this mess with Kieran, but I don’t have the energy to deal with him right now. Instead, I’m going to do what I do best and bury my head in the sand until this blows over.
The house is quiet when I finally get home from the clinic, and the emptiness hits me harder than I expected.
I drop my bag by the door and take a slow, shaky breath.
Everything Kieran said outside the clinic, the way he looked at me… It keeps replaying in my mind like some sick montage.
There is no us. You made sure of that.
I choke back a sob, but the sound of footsteps in the kitchen has me quickly retreating to my bedroom and locking the door behind me. I can’t face Ciara or Elena right now because I know they would only offer me kind words, which, quite frankly, I don’t deserve.
Ciara warned me not to keep the baby a secret from Kieran, and I did it anyway. Now I have to face the consequences, even if it feels like those consequences might actually kill me.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I bury my face in my hands.
I can’t stop thinking about the way Kieran looked at me when he realized I was pregnant.
The man I was falling in love with vanished in an instant, replaced by the Kieran I know he pretends to be—cold, controlled, and completely untouchable.
I don’t know how long I sit there on the edge of the bed, staring into space as I start to succumb to the grief in my heart. It must be hours because, at some point, the sky outside the window grows dark, and I make my way under the covers, but sleep doesn’t come.
Every creak of the floorboards has me bolting upright in bed, wondering if Kieran has decided to come home.
But then the silence returns, and so does the pain in my chest.
I toss and turn for hours until finally, I glance at the clock and groan.
It’s just before five in the morning.
Clearly, sleep is a lost cause, so I swing my legs over the side of the bed and pad into the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face.
My reflection looks pale and exhausted, with my eyes puffy and bloodshot from hours of crying.
I’m not sure I’ve seen a more pathetic sight, but I have no right to feel sorry for myself.
No one made me keep this baby a secret. It was my own choice to do so, and now I have to face the consequences, no matter how painful they might be.
After forcing a brush through my tangled curls and tying my hair back in a braid, I pull on my robe and head downstairs, careful to keep my footsteps light so as not to wake Ciara.
The thought of eating makes me feel nauseous, so I settle on making myself a cup of hot chocolate.
It’s not exactly a nutritious breakfast, but I’m hoping the baby lets me off just this once.
The ritual of warming the milk and stirring in the cocoa is soothing as the rich smell of chocolate fills the air. After adding some whipped cream, I cradle the warm mug between my hands and take a slow sip, savoring the sweet taste.
The sun is just starting to rise, so I open up the French doors and step out on the patio, the tiles cold beneath my bare feet.
The cool morning air immediately hits my skin, and I let my eyes flutter closed and take the first deep breath I feel like I’ve taken in hours.
It’s enough to settle my nervous stomach, so I take a few more before sitting down on one of the pool lounge chairs to watch the sunrise as I drink my cocoa.
My free hand rubs my stomach almost instinctively as I settle back in my chair, watching the sun reflect off the water.
It’s hard to believe that, after all of the fear and panic I’ve felt over the past few days, my baby is going to be okay. I haven’t really had a chance to process it, mostly because I had been so sure that I was going to lose the baby that I had barely allowed myself to hope.
And now, as I watch the sun rise, the reality of it hits me for the first time.
I’m going to be a mom.
In a few short months, I’m going to get to hold my baby, a baby that is half me and half Kieran.
But as happy as I am at such a thought, the joy is tangled with dread because I don’t know if I can get through this without Kieran.
I need him. If he isn’t here, if he refuses to forgive me, what do I do? How do I navigate this without him?
I have no choice but to figure out a way to convince Kieran to forgive me, which is going to be hard, considering he’s refusing to speak to me.
As I sip on my hot chocolate, I consider the idea of writing him a letter. If he won’t listen to what I have to say, maybe I could get him to at least read my words instead.
Before I lose my nerve, I head back inside and snatch the notebook and pen that Elena keeps beside the fridge and take a seat at the kitchen table.
My head feels jumbled, and there’s so much I need to say, but I try not to overthink it. I just start writing.
My hand shakes as the words spill out onto the page.
I do my best to explain to Kieran how I never meant to hurt him.
How I panicked when I heard him tell Brennan that he wasn’t ready to be a father, so I decided to keep the baby a secret.
I write it all, hoping that my words come across as sincere and not just a ploy to try and get him back.
I write until I have nearly three pages full of my thoughts and confessions, and by the time I tuck the letter into an envelope and sign Kieran’s name on the front, a strange sense of relief settles over me.
I know a letter isn’t going to change the fact that I lied, but at least my words are out there for him to read if he wants.
I didn’t realize I had been crying again until a stray tear drips down onto the envelope, leaving a dark stain behind.
The sound of heavy footsteps has me quickly wiping at my cheeks just before Ronan appears in the doorway, his brow furrowing at the look on my face. He looks like he’s just finished a workout, as his dark hair is slick with sweat, and his damp t-shirt clings to his body.
“Are you okay?”
“Kieran and I had a fight.”
Ronan’s lips press together, and he nods grimly.
“He can be a stubborn little shit. Do you want me to kick his ass?”
I shake my head as I try to fight the lump in my throat.
Ronan stays quiet as he crosses over to the coffee machine and starts the process of brewing his usual morning espresso.
“Have you spoken to him?” I eventually ask.
He reaches for a cup out of the cabinet overhead. “Not since yesterday morning. Is this your way of gently telling me you killed him?”
When I don’t reply, Ronan turns to face me, leaning against the counter as he folds his arms over his chest.
“Whatever it is that you’re fighting about, you’ll figure it out.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know Kieran, and while he can be an ass, I also know that he cares too much about you to not want to fix it.”
I know Ronan is only trying to cheer me up, but his words have the opposite effect.
My vision swims with fresh tears as I hold the envelope containing my written confession in my hands.
His eyes glance at it, then go back to mine. “Is that for Kieran?”
I nod. “I don’t think he’ll want to listen to me right now, so…I wrote him a letter.”
“He’s not bothering to hear you out?” Ronan frowns.
“No, and I don’t blame him.” I look down at my hands. “I…messed up.”
“You’re human, it’s what we do.”
“Not like this. It’s bad, and I’m not sure Kieran will forgive me.”
“I don’t know what you’ve done, and I have no right to know. But what I do know is that Kieran would be an idiot not to forgive you. So, I’ll make sure he gets the letter, and I’ll also make sure that he reads it.”
“Thank you.”
Ronan shrugs, as if he hasn’t just offered me the biggest lifeline that could potentially save my relationship.
I swallow hard as I try not to cling to the sliver of hope that he is offering me.
“For what it’s worth, you’re good for him. Since you came into his life, he’s been happier than I’ve ever seen him.”
If I had the energy to laugh, I would because his words seem ridiculous after the hell I put Kieran through during the past twenty-four hours.
“The bar was pretty low.”
Ronan chuckles. “That’s true. But still, he needs you, Riley.”
“I hope so, because I need him too,” I choke out.
“These things always have a way of working themselves out. God, listen to me; I sound like one of those dodgy therapists on one of those daytime talk shows. I’ve been spending too much time with Ciara.”
I swallow a laugh. “I appreciate it anyway. Truly.”
“Good, because if Brennan heard the words coming out of my mouth right now, he wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.
My brothers think I’ve gone soft enough as it is, and now here I am, giving relationship advice.
” He runs a hand through his hair. “Maybe you should speak to Ciara. She’s better at this stuff than me. ”
“Honestly, this has been helpful.”
“You might live in my house, but I give you full permission to tell me to shut the hell up.”
“I’ll bear that in mind.” I force a smile as I slide off my seat. “Thanks again for giving the letter to Kieran.”
Ronan nods once before I disappear out of the kitchen and head straight back upstairs to bed, if only to avoid Ciara or Elena.
My bed is still unmade, so I climb back under the covers and reach for my phone that I left charging on the nightstand.
As expected, the second I turn it on, a string of messages floods the screen, though none of them are from Kieran, so I don’t bother reading them.
Just as I’m loading up a streaming service to start scrolling through the countless reality TV shows as a way to numb myself, an incoming call from Oscar flashes on the screen.
It’s clear he’s not going to leave me alone until he gets his anger at me off his chest, and I figure I can’t feel any worse than I already do, so I answer the call.
“Riley? Are you okay? I’ve been calling you for hours!”
I scoff as I lean back against the pillows. “You’re kidding, right? Do you know what happened because of you?”
“Riles, come on. I had no choice but to tell Kieran! He forced my hand, and lying would have only made it worse. You know that.”
“You had one job: to keep your mouth shut. And you couldn’t even do that.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I’m such an idiot,” I laugh, though it comes out a little hysterical. “I actually thought you had changed, but of course, you threw me under the bus at the first opportunity.”
“Riley—”
“You knew Kieran would be pissed. And then what, you thought I would come crawling home with my tail between my legs?”
“That was the last thing I wanted. Regardless of what you might think, I want you to be happy, and if that neanderthal is what does it, then so be it. I also know that you want Kieran and me to get along, and we would never have been able to do that if I lied to his face about his own kid.”
“He’s not a neanderthal.”
“Seriously? That’s the part you're focusing on?”
“He might hate me, but he is still my husband.”
“Yeah, well, we can agree to disagree on that one.”
I chew on my lip as I pull the comforter up to my chin.
The curtains are still drawn despite it being daylight outside, but I can’t bring myself to open them. I just want to bury myself under the covers and not come out.
“I’m so tired, Oscar.” I rub my eyes with the palm of my hand.
“I know.”
“I…I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure where we can go from here. I’ve never seen Kieran that angry.”
“You did what you thought was best.”
“I guess I don’t have much of a motherly instinct, seeing as I’ve just driven the father of my child away.”
“He’s not turning his back on his kid, is he? Because if he is, I swear to god—”
“No, he’s not. He wants to be there for the baby, but…”
“Not for you,” Oscar finishes.
The words have me swallowing a sob, and Oscar sighs on the other end of the phone.
“I can’t believe I’m about to stick up for Kieran Sullivan of all people, but you have to give him the benefit of the doubt here, Riley. He just learned he’s going to be a dad, from me of all people, and he’s likely freaking out.”
“So am I!”
“You’ve had a few weeks to process this. Kieran, on the other hand, has had less than twenty-four hours. You have to give the guy some time to adjust.”
“It doesn’t bode well that his first instinct was to shut me out.” I wipe at my cheeks. “I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness, but I thought hearing the heartbeat would soften the blow. God, I’m so stupid.”
“No, you’re not. You were scared and not thinking rationally. Kieran will understand that…eventually.”
“I hope you’re right because I don’t know how I’m going to get through this without him.”
“You won’t have to, but even if he decides to walk away, you have me.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Now, do you want me to track Kieran down and kick his ass?”
A weak laugh escapes me before I have a chance to stop it.
“You know you’re not the first person to offer to do that this morning.”
“Let me guess, Lucy?”
“Actually, Ronan.”
Oscar lets out a low whistle. “Seriously? Well, I hate to say it, but Ronan Sullivan might have just gone up in my estimations.”
“He’s a good guy. They all are.”
“Well, then you have nothing to worry about.”
“I hope you’re right because I have no idea what I would do without Kieran.”
“Keep your chin up, Riles. He will come to his senses.”
After Oscar ends the call, I toss my phone onto the bed and place both my hands on my lower abdomen.
It’s too early for me to feel any hint of the life growing inside me, but I start talking anyway.
“It’s just you and me for now. But we’re going to be okay, don’t you worry.”
I glance toward the bedroom door, half hoping that it will swing open and reveal Kieran standing there. But of course, when he doesn’t, a lump rises in my throat.
I’ve made a mess of things. Maybe too big of a mess to fix.
But if there’s even the smallest chance of putting us back together, I have to try.