21. Diablos
Chapter twenty-one
Diablos
My heart was a ticking bomb, and I was sure sooner or later it would explode.
I couldn’t hold back any longer. Years of pent-up anger, pain, confusion, and missing Dagon crashed into me like a tidal wave.
All my justifications for his reasons were swept away, and only an undiluted need to know the truth remained.
The past couple of days had been some of the best in my life.
I got him back.
But today, he pulled away again, quietly simmering with his feelings behind his walls. I couldn’t take it anymore. No, I wouldn’t take it anymore.
The strangest part of all? I didn’t want to hide behind my walls, either. He'd found the cracks and come through them for the past few days. Now, I wanted to take a hammer, destroy them all, and let him in.
I wanted Dagon next to me. Truly next to me. But for that to happen, I needed answers.
“For once in your life, tell me the fucking truth!” My words were dripping with anger and pain.
Dagon raised his head, looked at me, took a deep breath, and said, “You’re right. You deserve the truth.”
Even though I wanted that, I was taken aback by his words.
I expected to argue with him. I expected us to fight.
Slowing the rush of anger, I took him in.
His hands were in his lap, balled into fists.
His body and jaw were tightly coiled. I would've thought he was preparing for a fight if I hadn’t known better.
However, I knew… the opposite of preparing for a fight was preparing for pain.
As soon as I realized he was bracing himself for pain, all the anger in me deflated. Forget about everything else. I had a strong urge to comfort Dagon. The other emotions were still there, but worry rose to the front. Before I could reassure him, he looked me in the eyes.
“I was in love with you.” My heart stopped. “I am in love with you. That’s why I pulled away. That’s why I kept my distance.”
“Y-you…” my words trailed off.
Dagon was in love with me?
He laughed bitterly and shook his head.
“It wasn’t love at first sight. Hell, I’m not sure when exactly I fell in love. Initially, I thought we were just like the others, but day by day, night by night, slowly, you crept into my heart. Definitely not in the way a brother is supposed to be.”
“Dagon.” Fuck, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak.
“I won’t deny it. When I saw you in that hospital bed and realized you were…” he faltered on his words and shook his head. “I knew you were the one. I knew it. But I also knew I couldn’t have you. I could never have you.”
“Why?” The question was a breathless whisper, but he heard me.
“Because you needed a family. I couldn’t be both your brother and your boyfriend.”
Time seemed to stop around us.
Dagon was in love with me? Dagon loved me?
All this time, I thought he hated me, but it was the opposite. Wait. Something he said didn’t make sense.
“If you realized your feelings for me in the hospital, why did you stay and care for me? You said that’s when you decided to pull away. You disappeared a week later, but before that, you were glued to my side like never before.”
He said that was when he knew I was the one. I'd lie if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat. That’s why I was surprised my brain caught on to the realization that something didn’t fit.
The panic in his eyes told me enough. I was right. There was more.
“I need to know, Dagon. I want to understand.”
I freaking wanted to tell him how I felt, but first, I needed to know everything.
We’d spent years apart because of reasons I never understood.
The space between us was too large for me to bridge alone.
I couldn’t reach him behind his walls. Dagon had to choose to lower them and step outside, and I needed to do the same. We needed to meet halfway on this path.
His brows furrowed like he was in physical pain. Reaching hesitantly, I took his hand. He stared at our joined hands for a long moment. I didn’t push. If he needed time, I’d give it to him now that I knew how he felt.
“Our father.”
“What?”
My mind went blank. What did King have to do with us?
“King. He saw the way I looked at you in the hospital. We both know he has a way of seeing through all of us. I guess I couldn’t hide my feelings.”
“What does our dad have to do with you walking away?”
Please tell me he didn’t do anything. Please tell me he didn’t take you away from me.
“He didn’t confront me directly. But he pulled me outside one night when you were sleeping.
I knew that he knew. He told me you needed a family, that I’m your big brother, that I had a bigger responsibility.
He said he understood we were young. He wanted me to know he’d always be there for us.
I want you to know that I may have pulled away anyway.
I don’t know what I would have done had King not spoken with me.
” He looked away and added, “Maybe I would have thought you needed a family too.”
I needed a family? Of course, I needed a family, but I had a family back then!
What does this have to do with us? For fucks sake, we’re not blood-related brothers.
I could understand how strange and uncomfortable it may have been for our father.
I get it. But didn’t he stop to think that saying this to Dagon would hurt him?
It pushed him away from me and all of us in subtle ways that I noticed through the years.
Still, my mouth didn’t form words. I couldn’t speak. Dagon held my hand painfully, but I didn’t move away. I needed the touch as much as he did. Honestly, I wasn’t sure who was holding who.
“Of course, there was a but to the always.
" Dagon continued. "King went into one of those adult talks about love, sexual attraction, stormy hormones, and how sometimes we make the mistakes of our lives because of it.” Taking a deep breath, he braced for something, and I dreaded what he’d say next.
“He told me not to take away the family connection and replace it with a short-lived infatuation born from hormonal curiosity that would end as a mistake. So I made a promise to him to stay away from you.”
One sentence.
One fucking sentence was all it took for my world to crumble.
Dagon’s eyes were swimming with unshed tears while I let my own fall.
I threw myself at him and wrapped him in a hug.
I wanted to go back in time and confront our father.
How could he possibly tell Dagon these words?
Putting the responsibility on his shoulders as the older brother.
Calling the beginning of our feelings an infatuation and hormones.
How could he claim we would be a mistake and lose our family if we loved each other?
My heart was breaking into millions of pieces. I was sobbing and holding onto Dagon with all I had, too afraid to release my hold even for a fraction of a second.
“It’s okay,” Dagon whispered.
“No, it’s not. It’s not fucking okay.”
He rubbed my back and held me tightly.
King’s words were the earthquake that started the avalanche of our lives.
Yes, we were young. Yes, we were both adopted.
Of course, I fucking get King’s point of view and feelings.
But he shouldn’t have made a decision for either of us.
If he wanted to speak about it, he should have included me.
He should have let us figure it out on our own.
Wasn’t he the one who always said we were a family and always would be, no matter what?
But then he made a one-eighty, and Dagon and I being together and potentially ending our relationship in the future suddenly replaced the always with a mistake and loss of the family.
Fuck, it hurts.
The rage inside me was blazing, but the pain? The pain was all-consuming. Just thinking about Dagon, how he felt, how he pulled away, it hurt too much. What King did wasn't just cruel, it was strategic. He knew Dagon. He knew how much he cared about all of us and the family as a whole.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I kept repeating the words between sobs.
“Di. Diablos.” He tried to pull away, but I held on.
“I’m sorry.”
“Do not fucking apologize! You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing.”
“I should have figured out there was something more when you pulled away. I should have known it’s not something you would decide on your own.”
“You tried. You tried so many times. Besides, what King said wasn’t the only reason I pulled away, Di.”
I didn’t believe him. I knew him back then.
He always took care of the others and me from the shadows.
He was the protective brother we could all count on.
He wasn’t like Wild, who could get in your space and not leave until he was sure he had resolved the issue you were facing.
No. Dagon was rough from the outside but gentle with his approach from the shadows. He put us above everything.
He put me above everything.
“I should have tried harder. I should have known what had happened.”
“No. Absolutely not. I don’t want you to think or feel like this even for a second.”
“We should have been the ones to decide.”
He was silent for a bit before saying, “I was the one who decided. King may have said all of this, but even his words wouldn’t have stopped me if I had decided to tell you how I felt.”
Even now, he was protecting King. He may fool many, but not me. Dagon was always protective of all of us. King took that, used the older brother card, and played it right for his win.
“I’m sorry I took the decision alone. I'm sorry I made that promise.” His voice was so small. More tears fell, and I would have done anything to alleviate his pain and the blame he carried.
I knew no matter what I said, it wouldn’t change how he felt about the past. But I could change the present. I pulled away slowly and looked him in the eyes. God, I loved these gray eyes. I could stare at them for an eternity. What I hated was the hesitancy and fear I saw in them.
Cupping his cheeks, caressing his beard, I lowered his head and kissed his forehead. Then, looking into his eyes, I told him my truth.
“I love you, Dagon.” His breath hitched, and the spark in his eyes warmed my insides, “I love you. I’ve loved you for years and realized I didn’t see you as a brother the night of my eighteen birthday. It’s you. From the beginning, it was always you.”
I feel the scrape of stubble against my jaw before his lips press into mine.
Burying my hand in his hair, I pulled him closer to me.
A moan slipped between my lips, and Dagon took the opportunity.
The second his tongue swirled around mine, I groaned, and all worries left.
I pushed him back, and by some miracle, unbeknownst to me, I managed to straddle him in the driver’s seat.
His hands didn’t stop tracing my body. The kiss between us was ravenous. The lips I dreamed about were sealed to mine. Our teeth crashed as our tongues battled for dominance. I wanted to consume him, and I wanted him to consume me.
We pulled away for air. When I saw Dagon’s hesitancy, I faltered.
“You love me?” he asked.
“Dagon Hughes. I’m in love with you. I’ve always been.
The gentle smiles that you hide warm my heart.
When you spoke about the things you loved, I wanted you never to stop because you shone brightly with happiness.
I even love it when you glare at me because deep down, I feel it never came from a bad place.
I love the man you are,” I placed a shaking hand on his chest. “Not the brother, but the man I spent years watching from the shadows. Even though there was a wall between us, I saw the real you, and I loved you. I still do.”
I would always love you, were the words I held back. I didn’t want Dagon to think it was a heat-in-the-moment phrase.
One lonely tear fell on his cheek, and my heart started aching again. I kissed his cheek where the tear fell, then his eyes, and lastly, I kissed his lips tenderly.
“Thank you for telling me the truth. Thank you for opening up to me.” I said.
“You’re not angry at me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “There’s no reason to be angry. We were young. You did what you thought was the best. I don’t blame you, Dagon.”
He nodded, staring into my eyes like he wasn't sure I was real. I didn’t blame him, but Dagon would need a long time to stop blaming himself.
I pecked his lips, and we shared a small smile.
Then, we held each other. It was what both of us needed.
We needed to reassure each other that we were real, that this was happening.
Somehow, the prospect of facing our fears didn’t seem so frightening and paralyzing when I was in Dagon’s arms. As long as we walked together, we would figure things out.