37. Diablos #2
No matter how hard I tried. No matter what I did. It was always there to twist, to hurt, to make me bleed without anyone seeing, without anyone knowing. The silent torture in the harm wrapped around my love.
This was what my love looked like. Wrapped in agony, dripping with horrors.
The intrusive thoughts screamed louder. The pressure suffocating me. Anxiety pushed me toward compulsions, bringing momentary relief, up until the same circle started to repeat.
Tears fell, and I pressed my lips into a thin line so I could stop the whimpers threatening to spill. It hurt so much.
It hurt so fucking much.
From guilt, to pits of despair, to anger, and then something darker. My thoughts and emotions spiraled darker, twisting into dangerous obsessions.
The image of Dagon bleeding, screaming, choking… it tormented me relentlessly. No, stop it. I didn't cause this. But even as I said these words, I didn't believe them.
My thoughts spiraled dangerously into possessive, obsessive darkness. Watching Dagon almost die had ignited something fierce within me… a violent protectiveness I hadn't known before.
And underneath all of it, somewhere in the noise – through the scalpel thoughts and the arrow thoughts and the all my fault loop – another voice surfaced.
Never again.
It wasn't a resolution. It wasn't strength. It wasn't the moment I got my shit together. It was just another sentence in the chorus.
Never again. Never again. Never again.
Whoever did this to him. Whoever tried to do this to him next. Whoever raised a hand toward him in any form for the rest of time. I would never allow it.
Never. Again.
The thought didn't quiet anything else. The spiraling kept going underneath it. But it became a vow that stayed. Two parts of me holding two impossible things at once – falling apart, and never letting anyone hurt him again.
Both true.
Both me.
I also did my best not to dwell on the demon I'd killed. That demon deserved it, but it was still hard to wrap my mind around what I did. Did I regret it? No. Would I have nightmares about it? Probably. Would I do it again if I had to? Without hesitation.
Dagon briefly woke earlier, only long enough to check if I was okay.
It reassured me briefly, but the terror lingered.
The sight of him wounded replayed constantly.
His screams echoed in my ears. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing him choking on blood.
My sanity felt fragile, slipping away moment by moment.
A notification chimed, and I checked it, welcoming the distraction.
Bren: Hey, how are you doing?
Sighing deeply, I went to check on Dagon. He was still asleep and I gently kissed his forehead and forced myself to leave him.
I needed Dagon to wake up, but this would take at least three to five more hours. At this point, I was ready to crawl out of my skin with the way the horrors of today repeated in my mind. And the guilt? No matter what I tried, the guilt always returned.
It took me ten minutes to get to the guest room across the hall. I had to step on specific places and repeat steps until it felt safe to continue. Every misstep threatened to harm Dagon. Just the thought of it sent my heartbeat into dangerous territory.
Finally collapsing onto the guest bed, I buried my hands in my hair. I pulled, welcoming the physical pain. When my phone pinged again with a message, I shook my head and dialed Bren without checking his last text.
“Are you two okay?” Bren asked as a greeting.
I opened my mouth to say that we were okay.
Instead, I broke down. Everything poured out in a rush.
Today's horrors, the fight, my confession of love for Dagon, his demon identity, our mate bond. I told him everything. The only thing I didn’t tell Bren about was Dagon’s brother, Darius.
This was something only Dagon could decide whether he wanted to share or not.
I also didn’t share that King omitted the truth that the objects were created by Lucifer.
When I finished speaking, the line was dead silent.
Finally, Bren spoke. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Dagon will be okay, right?”
I shivered but found my voice and said, “Yes, he will be.”
“Jesus Christ. Fuck, I have no idea what to say, Di.”
“That’s a first, isn’t it?” I joked or tried to.
“It is a first!” Bren exclaimed, clearly trying to lighten my mood. “So… you and Dagon, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Yep? Seriously? That’s all you’ll say after snagging the grumpy brother?”
I choked on my spit, “What!?”
“Fine, maybe snagging isn’t right since no one else wants the grumpy brother. Shit, I mean, no one else wants to fuck him. Oh my God, that’s wrong, too. No! I mean, it isn’t wrong. It’s all cool. I mean cool for you, not for other brothers.”
“Bren,” I laughed softly, despite myself. “Breathe.”
“What I was trying to say was… what was I trying to say?”
“Honestly? I have no idea.”
“Well, I have no idea either. Anyway, on a serious note, I’m happy for you both.”
“You are? It’s not weird for you?”
I didn’t know how he’d take the news. I wasn’t sure how our brothers would take any of the news we had to share when we got back home. No part of me anticipated this easy understanding. I guess I should have expected it from Bren. He was a sunshine, who just wanted everyone happy.
“I mean, sure, maybe it’s supposed to be weird, but after hearing how you spoke about Dagon and everything about mates… for some reason, it doesn’t feel weird. It sounds right. You two are in love and happy. That’s what matters to me.”
“Thank you, Bren. I-” I wasn’t sure what to say. “I- I appreciate it.”
“No need for thanks. Besides, I have ammunition now to tease Dagon and make him blush,” he cackled like an evil mastermind.
“Good luck with that,” I replied, warmth filling my chest.
We continued talking lightly, gradually easing my tension. Bren updated me on our brothers. King still had everyone confined. Andras was restless, while Luc and Wild adjusted more easily.
Bren? He skillfully avoided discussing himself. I noted it but didn't push.
Eventually, exhaustion caught up, and I ended our call with promises to return soon, though I wasn't ready to face King just yet.
I needed time with my demon, time only for us, no other demons, angels, objects, just the two of us.
I only wanted Dagon to open his eyes, kiss me, and return the air I needed to breathe in order to live. Because right now? Right now, it felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t die, but I couldn’t live either. I was hovering in between.
I returned to our room and curled around Dagon, focusing on his breathing and the beats of his heart. The rhythmic sound was enough for now to chase away the darkness that had latched onto me and refused to let go.