10. Carmie
Chapter 10
Carmie
I ’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry . If I cry right now it’s going to make everything so much worse, so I am absolutely, positively not going to cry .
It takes all my energy to keep myself from sobbing as I stand in front of a few dozen important members of both the Zeitsev Bratva and the Marino Famiglia. None of my friends are here. They’re not important enough, and who cares what I want?
This isn’t about me.
It’s about my father and his brother. Don Marino sits up front, looking older and thinner with every passing day, with my cousin Adriano by his side. My father’s on Adriano’s other side with Luca and Daniel.
At least Luca’s giving me a grin and a thumbs-up like he knows I need all the support I can get right now.
My husband is barely looking at me. Every time I glance in his direction, his eyes dart away. I keep hearing the loathing in his voice, and I don’t even understand what he thinks I did to him. As if I’m the problem here? As if I’m the one that negotiated this and arranged it?
Of everyone in this room, I’m the most innocent.
And yet he seems to hate me the most.
I wanted to tell him about the baby before we said the words and made it official. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, but I wanted to see if that changed anything for him.
I don’t get a choice, but he should.
That was my thinking anyway.
He so clearly wants nothing more than a show marriage—and I doubt children are in the future.
Except for the child already growing in me.
But it’s too late. The ceremony starts and I’m trapped. It’s all noise and words I can barely understand until the priest gets to the part where we exchange rings and vows, and I know what’s coming next. Cold metal feels heavy on my finger as the sun begins to set over the river. If there’s a boat coming, maybe I can jump over the side and swim over.
Maybe I can just drown.
“You may kiss the bride.”
There’s a moment where I don’t move. Lev stares at me, jaw flexing. His disarming smirk fades, and I think maybe he won’t do it, like he’s so disgusted by the thought of becoming my husband that he’ll refuse me in front of everyone.
What’s another little humiliation matter?
Then he covers the distance between us, puts a hand on the small of my back and the other on my arm, and presses his lips to mine.
Warm. Soft. Everything I remember. A hint of whiskey—he’s been drinking. Is he nervous, like I am? Or is that just the kind of man he is? I realize how little I know about him, and oh, god?—
The kiss deepens. It shouldn’t, but it does. I feel the very tip of his tongue against mine. I fight a whimper, and the memory of that night floods me. My first time. My everything.
Desire rips into my core. A fuzzy intensity makes my brain a pile of mush. This shouldn’t feel good.
But it feels like heaven.
Then he pulls away, right as our kiss teeters on the edge of inappropriate.
I’m swept into the reception. Luca shoves a glass of champagne in my hand, and I discreetly leave it on a table without drinking any. The men and their glittering wives congregate and tell loud stories as I’m passed from group to group, my brothers at my elbows like a couple of guards. And who knows, maybe they really are? It should be my husband showing me off, but Lev’s somewhere else. I don’t know what he’s doing, and I don’t care.
“You make a lovely bride.” Valentin Zeitsev smiles at me. His beautiful wife, Karine, hangs onto his arm.
“Congratulations,” she says and gives me a quick hug. “You did great.”
“I assume this wasn’t easy for you, but I want you to know how much this means to me and my family.” Valentin’s young and very good-looking. I’m actually shocked at how handsome he is. Everyone says Adriano’s the most gorgeous man in the city, but I don’t know about that. My cousin’s kind of a prick.
Lev might outshine them both, though.
Another young woman appears at my elbow. She’s blonde and chic, beautiful even, and gives me a massive hug. “I guess it’s time we met,” she says, forcing herself to smile. “I’m your sister-in-law, Natalya. And this is my husband, Alex. He’s good friends with Lev.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised, as Alex gives me a friendly nod and stands possessively close to her. “I didn’t know he had a sister.”
She scowls and holds one of my hands in hers. “That sounds like Lev, but don’t worry. He’s a decent person.”
“I’m sure he is,” I say vaguely.
“It’s just hard for him, that’s all. And I know it’s hard for you too, and I just—” She softens slightly, and I can tell she’s struggling with something. Is that guilt? I can’t tell, and I find it hard to care right now. “Anyway, thank you for doing this. I’ll make sure Lev treats you well.”
I doubt that’ll happen, but I thank her anyway since I don’t want to be rude, and I’m swept off as Luca inserts himself again. There are more people to meet, more hands to shake, and congratulations to handle. I’m given another glass of champagne, and I manage to ditch that one in the bathroom.
When I don’t think it can get any worse, it’s time for the dances.
“Can’t we skip this?” I hiss at Luca as he escorts me center stage. Everyone’s watching with those fake smiles, and all I want to do is run. My husband’s nowhere to be seen.
“You’ll be fine. Just get it over with.” Luca looks around, frowning. “Where’s Lev?”
“That's exactly what I've been wondering all night.”
I'm left alone in the middle of the dance floor while the crowd settles into their chairs. The band seems as confused as I feel, and Luca lingers by my side while I scan the faces for my husband.
“Maybe we can skip this part,” Luca murmurs.
Shame floods me. I shouldn't feel embarrassed right now, but I can't help it. Everyone's staring. I know what they're thinking. Poor, pathetic girl, forced to marry a man she barely knows for political reasons. I bet the women pity me, and the men all think it's great that Lev is getting a young and pretty bride to hump whenever he pleases.
The longer we stand here, the more my head fills with dark and horrible thoughts. Seconds drag on, and the lead singer of the band calls Lev's name over the microphone. Luca's grip on my arm tightens. His face falls into a scowl.
“Let's just sit down,” I plead with my brother. “This doesn't really matter, right?” I glance at the tables, searching for a friendly face, but they're all strangers. This is a business meeting for my father and the Russians and not a wedding to celebrate an actual marriage. My cheeks turn crimson as tears fill my eyes. I bet these people don't even know me.
“Fuck it,” Luca snarls and turns to drag me away.
When Lev comes striding out from the crowd, everyone's looking at him, and there are even a couple of cheers like he's some kind of hero come to save me from a bad situation. Except it's a bad situation of his own creation. I'm beyond livid when he offers me a hand, and the band begins to play “My Way” by Frank Sinatra.
Luca walks off reluctantly, and I'm stuck with my bastard husband.
“Where were you?” I hiss as we sway uncomfortably to the beat. Lev's hands linger lightly on my hips like he's afraid to touch me.
He's looking everywhere but at me.
“I was busy. Nobody told me this was happening.”
“It's your wedding. Shouldn't you be a little more aware?”
“Like I said, I was busy.”
“And yet here you are, my prince charming, saving me from the humiliation of standing in front of all these strangers all alone.”
Lev finally glances at me. His face is hard to read. It's stormy, almost angry, and he moves slightly closer, his grip on my body tightening.
“I told you it was an accident.”
“Why are we even doing this anyway? It's not like you really want to marry me.”
“I didn't realize you were so excited to be my wife.”
“I'm absolutely not.”
His jaw works, and now his attention is fully mine. I don’t know how I feel about that as he moves even closer. Now there are mere inches between our bodies, and I’m reminded how obscenely attractive this man is, even if I think he’s a total selfish asshole. That night plays in my mind again, and I can almost feel the grip of his fingers on my hips again, just like they’re touching me now.
I shiver, not wanting to feel like this at all, and cling on to the anger instead.
“If this is so hard for you, after we’re through with this dance, you can ask your brothers to take you back home.”
I let out a sharp laugh. “You think my father will be okay with that? What about your father? Or Valentin Zeitsev? I’m pretty sure it’s a bad look, the bride leaving her own stupid wedding.”
“You don’t care what any of those people think.”
“Maybe, but they can make my life even worse than it already is.”
He moves closer. Now we’re touching. My breasts graze his chest, and his lips bend forward to murmur in my ear. “And how bad is your life, princess?”
I stiffen and nearly stumble, but he keeps on smoothly dancing.
“Excuse me?”
“You have more than most women dream about. Money, friends, family, privilege. Are you really so miserable?”
“You don’t know me.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve met a thousand versions of you all over these crime families. I may not know you, but I know your type.”
A lump forms in my throat. Angry tears threaten, and I fight against them. Fuck this guy, fuck him to hell. I don’t even know why he’s being such a bastard right now, except a little voice in my head actually does. He doesn’t want this either . He’s going through the motions just like I am.
But instead of handling it together, he’s turning me into an enemy.
Well, screw him. Lev thinks I’m just some spoiled mafia princess because he has no idea what I’m really carrying around.
The weight of this truth growing inside of me.
“You want to know why I’m so fucking miserable, you selfish asshole?”
“Go ahead, little fencer. Tell me what could possibly be so bad.”
I pull back so I can look him dead in the face.
“I’m pregnant. And the baby’s yours.”
He stops dancing. His expression is stunned. For one second, he only looks at me, at a total loss for words, as I backpedal and turn. The song ends abruptly as I make my way to my table, face pink with anger and embarrassment, and when I look back, Lev’s smiling again. He’s laughing at something and making a joke, easing the tension, covering over the moment, making everything all right.
Like he doesn’t give a shit at all.