Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“We should be arriving soon,” Hudson said to Elias as he looked out the window of their carriage, recognizing the landscape in a way that surprised him, seeing as it had been years since he’d been here.
“I know it,” Elias responded simply, not sparing so much as a glance in Hudson’s direction. He sat with his hands resting on his lap, head turned in the direction of the window, even if didn’t appear that he was looking outside.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” Hudson asked with a sense of growing frustration. “What has it been? Five years by my count.”
“Something to that effect.”
The frustration grew steadily, and Hudson had to work to contain his annoyance. “How things have changed since then. Five years but it feels like a lifetime. To look at us now compared to then, I would hardly recognize us. Boys...” He chuckled. “Pretending that we were men.”
“That is one way of looking at it.”
Hudson narrowed his eyes on his brother, a pointless exercise as his brother was doing everything he could to not look at or even acknowledge Hudson’s existence.
Ordinarily it was Elias who had to work to force conversation between the two men, going above and beyond to squeeze responses from Hudson because without such strain he knew that Hudson would happily travel in silence. Elias always hated silence.
Today had been different.
For twelve hours the two men had traveled, in comfort as there was no great rush because their purposes for traveling this far north did not acquire their presence until tomorrow. Twelve hours, and perhaps a single minute of conversation had passed between them.
There had been a time that Hudson would not have minded the silence.
Never one for idle chatter, he might have used the time to prepare for what tomorrow was sure to bring, or to read, or to have a nap.
Anything but committing to long hours of banter and suffering under his brother’s good humor and joke making.
But times had changed, and with them, so had Hudson.
It wasn’t that he wished to spend the entire trip in conversation.
It was more the fact that the last time he and Elias had spoken, they had left things on strained terms, and Hudson wished to move on from this little argument they seemed to be having because he did not wish to waste mental exertion on matters which, to be perfectly honest, were none of his brother’s business.
Why do I even care what my brother thinks? How it makes me feel? Why do I have this desire to prove to him that I am right in this, and that he should be on my side? I don’t… no… I do not care…
Hudson cleared his throat and tried again. “The trip was longer than I remember it being. I daresay the driver took us on the scenic route.”
“I doubt it.”
“Or perhaps the roads have gotten worse...” He looked outside again as if to examine the roadway. It was well into the evening now, too dark to see much of anything, but he frowned and exhaled sharply. “It certainly feels a little rockier than times past.”
“Perhaps. Perhaps not.”
Hudson narrowed his eyes at his brother again. A part of him thought to just leave it, certain that come time Elias would get past this ridiculous tantrum he was throwing and that would be the end of the matter.
Yet Hudson also knew that he was feeling guilty, and that as much as anything was why he so desired to be proven right.
The way he had treated his wife these past few days was abhorrent.
His stomach squirmed as he remembered how he had behaved, but if his brother was to come around to his way of thinking than maybe that would make everything better?
I need him on my side in this. Without Elias, and now that Florentia hates me, I have no one. Once I might not have cared, but my wife saw fit to change that side of me. For the better, she might say. Personally, I can only see the downside.
“So, this is what I am to expect from this week, am I?” Hudson said. “My younger brother throwing a tantrum as if he was some sort of child.”
That did it. Elias stiffened at the insult, jaw clenching, lip curling in distaste.
Still staring out the window, Hudson watched closely as his brother fought within himself to continue what was a clear plan made to ignore everything Hudson said.
At the end of the day Elias and Hudson were still brothers and Elias, like Hudson, could not sit by and do nothing as his name was slandered freely.
“I am not throwing a tantrum,” Elias growled, still refusing to look at him. “It is a protest. Entirely different by my estimation, and well justified.”
“And that, brother, is a record set today for the most words you have bothered to string together. Well done.”
He snarled at Hudson. “You should talk! Frankly, I am surprised you even noticed my silence. I’m wondering now who you are and what you have done with my brother.”
“I might say the same of you,” Hudson shot back coolly. “Getting you to shut up is where I often struggle. Who would have guessed that trying to coax you into conversing would be such a difficult task.”
“Did you stop to think that maybe I simply do not wish to speak with you?”
“That is obvious enough.”
“And did you stop to think why I did not wish to speak to you?”
“No doubt you are still ruminating on our conversation from the other day,” Hudson said simply, keeping his temper neutral.
“Which if that is the case, you ought not to be. Where I appreciated your candor, brother, it behooves me to remind you that what we spoke of is not your business to worry after.”
“Is that right?”
“In fact, you disappoint me. If anything, you should have spent this trip assuring me that I did the right thing, for despite what you might have told me the last time we spoke, you and I both know that I did.”
“I do not know that—”
“For while I am as disappointed as you are concerning the state of my marriage, I was left with no choice in the matter. A troublesome business, I do not deny that. An unavoidable one too, is my thinking. When I return home at the end of the week, I will make sure to seek out my wife and remind her of what is expected of our marriage, and I fully expect that to be the end of the matter, as Florentia is practical.”
He nodded his head once, a sense of relief felt at having gotten that off his chest. “Now, if you do not mind, I would appreciate it if we put this behind us.”
Finally, his brother turned to look at him. But it was not with a sense of agreement or relief felt at putting an end to this little spat. Rather, it was with a look of utmost bewilderment; stricken by confusion in a way that might have suggested Elias had seen a ghost sitting across from him.
“You really are...” He continued to stare. “You really have no idea, do you?”
“No idea? What is your meaning?”
“I feel sorry for you, brother,” Elias sighed.
“Or perhaps I am just a fool for thinking you had changed. All this time, I thought that you were in a state of denial, but now I see how wrong I have been. You are not in denial, because to deny is to admit fault and you would never do such a thing, would you?”
Hudson ignored the insult the best he could. “Speak plainly, Elias.”
“What is it that you want? Do you want me to tell you how clever you are? How righteous? Do you wish for me to congratulate you for putting your wife in her place because shame on her for falling in love with you? Is that it?”
“I want you to acknowledge that I did nothing wrong. I explained to Florentia on our first night what was expected of our marriage—what I wished from her. She was the one who—”
“Who made the mistake of thinking there was a human being existing somewhere inside of you.”
“Do not interrupt me,” he growled angrily.
“I thought you wanted my opinion?”
“I am starting to realize that your opinion does not matter to me.”
“Ha!” Elias barked a laugh. “No, you are starting to realize that my opinion has not changed from the last time we spoke. Nor will it, for that matter. What you have done to your wife...no.” His expression turned pained, almost pitiful.
“She is not the only one who has suffered. You, Hudson, are who I feel sorry for. And the fact that you do not understand why tells me all I need to know. Enough that I do not see the point in wasting any more words on you.” He curled his lip with disdain and then went back to look out the window.
Hudson felt a flare of anger roar to life inside of him.
This isn’t how this conversation was supposed to go.
Why could his brother not see Hudson’s actions for what they were?
He as well as anyone should have understood why Hudson had acted as he had, forcing his wife’s affection from him before it was too late.
Oh, Hudson hated himself for it, that was not in question.
And these past few days had pained him more than he knew was possible.
Ironically, this pain only strengthened his resolve, as it reminded him of the folly that came with caring for others and letting his emotions rule him.
It was a type of pain he never wished to feel again.
“I misunderstood you,” Hudson said, pushing the anger down because he did not wish to fight. “And I thought you of all people would see the logic in what I am doing.”
“Logic...” Again, his brother was looking at him. And again, his expression was one of pity. “That is the problem, Hudson. You speak of your marriage as if it is a business contract.”
“That is exactly what it is!”
“It is not!” Elias snapped, suddenly angry. “It never was. Do you not see? You did everything you could to try and make it so, but even you, as cold and cynical as you are, could not escape the truth of the matter.”
“And what truth is that?”
“That you love your wife, you damned fool!”
Hudson winced, pain in his chest because the words struck too close to home for his liking. He forced himself to steady, looking upon his brother coldly. “That is...it is not as simple as that.”
“But it is,” Elias pleaded. “And I as much as anyone should know. I who grew up with you. Who knows more about who you are than any man living—who has seen the changes take you this past month. You might try and deny it, Hudson. You might fight it and wish it was not so, but the truth speaks as plainly as the look on your face. You love your wife and no amount of lying to yourself will change that.”
Again, the words rang too true for Hudson to simply deny them.
He had not meant to fall for his wife. Companionship was all he had desired, a means to make married life bearable and nothing more.
But somewhere along the way, he had started to feel.
..to feel emotions which he had spent a lifetime burying.
Still, I do not know how she has done this to me. And why can I not stop them.
“What does it matter how I feel?” Hudson tried, albeit with less enthusiasm. “I never wanted this, and for good reason. Our father—”
“Will you forget about our father!” Elias cried. “Why do you always defer to him? Why do you care?”
Hudson’s lip twitched. “Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer? You were raised in that household, just as I was. You know what kind of man he was. You saw with your own eyes his marriage to Florentia. You want to know why I am this way? Think on that.”
Elias’ss brow scrunched and he shook his head.
“It is funny in a way, but growing up, I used to envy you, you know? The attention our father would give you. How...” He clicked his tongue.
“How determined he was to see that you would grow into the same man as him. He cared little for me. I now see it as a boon, because it has saved me living to a standard that has stunted you.”
“Stunted?” Hudson scoffed. “I do not see it that way.”
“You should,” Elias said. “Hudson, you have spent so much of your life trying to be like our father, but have you ever stopped to wonder why that has been so difficult? I mean, if our father was in the same situation as you are right now, do you think he would give a damn about what anyone else thought? Do you think he would be sitting here, thinking of his wife and how much he had hurt her?”
Hudson grimaced but then forced a straight face. “Who says that is what I am doing?”
Elias sighed. “You are not our father, Hudson. And please, take that as a compliment. You have tried to be. You have striven for it in a way that might have even made him proud...” A bitter chuckle.
“But you are not him, and you never will be. I only wish that you could see that. If you could, it might make all the difference.”
“And what difference is that?”
“Happiness, for one.” A soft smile filtered across Elias’s lips before vanishing. “If not for him, I dare say it would not be me sitting across from you right now, but your wife. And where it might hurt your sensibilities to admit such a thing, I have no doubt you would be all the happier for it.”
“You are wrong,” Hudson said, but with such little conviction that it came out a whisper. “Dead wrong.”
“Maybe I am...” He shrugged and went back to looking out the window. “I almost pray for it, because it kills me to see you suffering like this, brother. You have no idea how much.”
Hudson frowned to himself, wanting to be angered by his brother’s words, unable to because he saw the truth in them. Everything he said…it was not in malice or spite or hate. Elias cared for him deeply, he always had. And all he ever wanted for Hudson was the best.
It was a shame that Hudson was so stubborn.
That he had spent his lifetime hammering into himself lessons and beliefs which now seemed fraught with mistakes, frayed around the edges, nowhere near as solid and foundational as he might wish.
Is it possible, what he says? That I am not my father?
That my entire life has been a lie? And is that such a bad thing?
Before Hudson had a chance to say anything else, perhaps a final effort to swat away his brother’s words, the carriage came to a stop, for they had finally arrived at their destination.
Elias wasted no time in clambering from the carriage, not a word spoken, leaving Hudson to sit alone in darkness and silence both, feeling as lost and unsure as he ever had.
He looked to the moon, his chest tightened, and he found that in his loneliness, what he wished for most of all was the company of his wife.