Chapter 9 #3
My jaw clenches stubbornly. “Don’t call me that.”
“Why? It’s your name and you’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not important to you. You wouldn’t let that blueblood asshole call you ‘Tori,’ so maybe I shouldn’t either.”
“How can you say that? Lucas!”
“What?” He steps up to me, his gaze shadowing. “Tell me. Why would that not be true?”
I’m out of breath for a whole new reason. Pain and panic lacerate my heart. I bleed all my emotions into his name. “Lucas.”
His voice is low. “What, Astoria?”
The burning gets worse.
“Say it.”
I swallow. “You’re my friend.”
A small sob escapes. Tears slip free from the poorly patched dam of my emotions.
It takes a few desperate breaths before I can speak again.
“I know you’re mad at me and need space, but—” I point at the door.
“If you leave, you’ll be exposed and in danger.
Your rings aren’t fully working. Lucas. Lucas!
” I accidentally scream his name when he looks away and his attention snaps back to me.
He’s searching me, his face carefully closed.
Panic and fear suffocate me. “What if this is a trap? What if this isn’t about me, but about you?
” My mind grapples with this other aspect, even though it’s not nearly as plausible.
But I’ll say anything to keep Lucas safe in this shop.
“What if the book and the venom were all so Dimitar can finally have his revenge for you leaving the Guild? What if it’s so he can cut off your fingers to get your rings? ”
Round and round, my mind spirals. My eyes are too wide, my breathing out of control. Sparks crackle from my fingers as I rake them through my hair, the magic causing the strands to shift and flow around me. “I can’t… I can’t…” I gasp for air, eyes closing. “I can’t lose you, Lucas.”
The spiraling, the panic, sucks me under until my face starts tingling, spreading from the edges and coming closer and closer to the center.
I’m unsure what will happen if it consumes me, and a small part of me wonders if I’ll ever come back.
If the magic within me will break free and devour me, the books tumbling down from the cases to take their revenge.
Jinx will finally be sick of me and break free to dart into the dark night to never be seen again.
Then Lucas will see me for what I am and run, too.
Strong arms wrap around me and I crumple, face turning into the warm cotton shirt.
The hug is tight like he’s holding all my trembling pieces together.
I sob and sob, my misery and grief sucking me down until I feel the steps beneath me.
Lucas’ scent fills my lungs and I suck him in greedily, my hands clawing along his back, snarling into his shirt.
Slowly, my insides settle. The fizzling along the periphery of my face eases and retreats.
The cracks along my walls seal up one at a time, but the scars of them remain, etching together with the ones that formed seven years ago.
I don’t think I could survive them shattering again when I have only myself to knit them back together.
Lucas sits on the top step, his long legs framing my curled body, his arms holding me against his chest. He’s silent for a long time before he whispers, “Talk to me, Tori.”
I don’t know where to begin. My nails bite into his back and I feel him flinch, but he doesn’t pull back.
The silence stretches and I’m not sure if I’m breathing.
Lucas sighs harshly and I sag with him. He shakes his head, his lips mumbling into my hair, “You do this thing, where it feels like you want me to force your hand and pry information out of you. Like you won’t bend until I make you, but you seem to love it when I make you.”
I swallow thickly and my lips tremble.
“I wish…” His hand slides gently up my back. “I wish you’d let me in because you want to, not because you have no other choice.” He sighs again, his voice rough. “I don’t like fighting with you.”
“Lucas.” I tense and I cave to the instincts to prove him wrong, even though he’s right. “I do tell you everything.”
“No, not everything. Since we became partners, yes. But if it’s about your past?” He shakes his head. “I wish you trusted me with all of you.”
I’m not sure what to say.
His voice is quiet. “Are you testing me? Is it to see if I care enough to want to be let in?”
My heart constricts. I shift uncomfortably from his words, like there’s a truth to them that I don’t wish to face.
So instead, I lean back and look up at him.
“Can I trust you with all of me? The weight I carry…” I feel it pressing down upon me like a boulder slowly crushing me.
I swallow thickly. “It’s a heavy burden. ”
He strokes my hair behind my ear. “You can always trust me.” His fingers linger along my jaw. “Always.”
A fluttering feeling unfurls in my chest, like a butterfly hatching from its chrysalis.
His warm, sincere eyes melt me, making my throat swell.
For four years, we’ve leaned on each other in business and personal.
Now, he wants in. Really in. Not just in the life we built, at first out of necessity against a business threat of being two independents without a Guild or Order for protection, then out of a shared passion for grimoire hunting, and finally out of a deeply entwined companionship.
I wet my trembling lips. “My real name is Astoria Rose Androclaria. I’m the daughter of Archweaver Atticus Androclaria of the Astrum Order.
I ran away from home because…” My eyes burn, emotions and the past almost robbing me of sound.
But I speak my truth. “Because no matter how talented or powerful or clever I am, my father never loved me like he loves my brother.”
A tear slips down my face and my voice quavers.
“I was supposed to be named the Heir, but he named my brother instead. The Bauers were supposed to throw their support behind me, but they didn’t.
That’s why I left Valen.” My voice cracks, unable to continue.
It takes several harsh breaths before I manage a small broken whisper, “I was so angry, Lucas. I didn’t think I had such a thing within me. ”
I’m there again, crying and screaming in my room after storming out of the ceremony.
I tear paintings, ruin my bed, destroy furniture, my magic chaotically crackling all around and threatening to burn the estate to the ground.
Then my father rips open my door with a wave of energy.
Old, gray, but still standing tall. His green eyes are the same shade as mine.
He looks around my room, his pale, thin skin turning blotchy.
My breath hitches. “I got into a fight with my father.”
I had never screamed at him like that before. It shocked him, made him angrier, like our combined familial rage was a breathing, living thing.
“I tried to… to curse him.”
The incantation screeches from my throat.
My magic blasts forth, an eldritch scream harmonizing with me as gale-force winds thrash within the room.
I taste salt in the air, hear the creaks of ancient ships as I dip into a magic I’ve never harnessed before, the world flashing like two realities crashing together within my mind’s eye.
My chest burns hot, then ice cold, the kind of cold that I’ve never felt before.
It spreads to my fingers, turning them white, and I breathe out a wisp of smoke.
I shake myself violently, blinking. “It didn’t work.
He won, and if he was mad before…” Fear from the night shivers up my back.
I curl up against Lucas and his arms tighten around me.
“I don’t want to talk about that.” My eyes squeeze closed.
“I couldn’t defeat him, so I attacked his weakness.
I cursed his son, and my aunt helped me run away. ”
I gasp, making myself small as the shop’s silence rings. My voice cracks, an unbidden tear falling down my cheek. “Now you know. So, tell me.” My words hold a bitterness I don’t mean. “How does Astoria Rose compare to Aster Rosemont?”
I wait for him to toss me aside or awkwardly stumble over an excuse to leave. Afterwards, I’ll hunt down Jinx for ruining everything.
A thumb collects my tear, wiping it away. My fallen gaze flicks up. Lucas smiles, lovely and radiant. My breath catches, warmth blooming. His voice rumbles pleasantly. “It’s nice to meet you, Astoria Rose Androclaria of the Astrum Order.”
My fists clench, a fresh new wave of tears releasing with the lightening of my chest. “Never call me that again.”
“Okay.” The backs of his fingers slide down my face affectionately. I lean hungrily into them and Lucas’ eyes sparkle. “Torment.”