Then
Michael went back to ignoring me after that night. I was almost relieved; the scars on my arms were still healing, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle any more pain. I continued to watch as he came and went from his Williamsburg apartment, probably noticing me since I didn’t even try to hide it, but he never acknowledged me.
I also found out, through her Instagram, that Hana had married the cute guy from the day in Battery Park. His name was Jack. It seemed sudden—she was engaged to Michael one moment and then married to Jack the next. I wondered if that’s why Michael had called me that night. I was happy they weren’t engaged anymore, but he still wanted nothing to do with me.
But I figured out a way to get back into his life, whether he realized it or not.
I met Billie one night at a bar near her apartment. I found out that she was Hana’s ex-roommate by snooping through Instagram. I discovered the hipster bar she frequented and started hanging around there. I actually liked it a lot, and I began to make some friends since I was there often; those people also happened to be Billie’s friends. It was a perfect coincidence.
We started talking and hit it off. She was so cool, artsy, and easy to talk to. One night, she mentioned she was looking for a new roommate. I told her I had always wanted to live in the area. And just like that, we were living together.
I was living in Hana’s old room. It seemed surreal to be sleeping in the very same bed she used to. Billie told me Hana left most of her furniture because she moved out in such a rush. She seemed bitter towards Hana, and especially towards Michael. I got the whole story: their wavering love affair, the back-and-forth between Michael and Jack, the quick engagement.
Since I was much closer to Michael’s apartment now that I lived in the same neighborhood, I was able to watch him more frequently. But in late April, I couldn’t figure out where he was and grew concerned. Had he moved without me realizing it? Did something happen to him? I decided to text him when I couldn’t handle the worry anymore: Where are you? I haven’t seen you in a while.
Hours later, just as I began to believe he would never respond, my phone vibrated in my pocket as I sat at the waterfront near his house. Not that you need to know, but I’m taking care of things out of town. I don’t need you anymore, Jackie. Leave me alone.
I began to sob in public. Why did he keep stringing me along, marking my body, making me believe he loved me when all he wanted was to hurt me? I wasn’t sure if he was actually capable of love. Was he just evil? I decided that I would no longer give him my time. I would ignore him the next time he contacted me; I wouldn’t give in anymore. Maybe then he’d realize what he was missing out on. Maybe then he’d actually start to love me.
I considered going to rehab again. I considered going to therapy. I wanted to put my life back on track and for it to not revolve around someone who hated me. But then, a few weeks later, someone named Jessica called me out of nowhere.
She asked me for details about Michael. I asked her why and who she was. When she told me she was the sister of Hana’s husband, I knew it was my chance to get rid of Hana once and for all. I would tell them the truth about Michael, if they didn’t know already.
I told Jessica everything. I told her about him abusing me, controlling me, threatening me. I told her about him tying me up and mutilating me, about coming to me again months later to do it all over again. She was horrified. She was sympathetic and warm, even over the phone. I knew just by talking to her that I liked her. She said she would keep in touch, and we said goodbye.
She called me back not long after, asking to meet with her and Jack to discuss Michael. She said he was becoming a problem in their lives. I immediately agreed to meet—I was too curious not to.
Jessica met me outside a coffee shop in Chelsea. I spotted her right away because she looked just like Jack. I waved to her as I approached, and she beamed at me, but I could tell there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. Or was it pity? Either way, she welcomed me with open arms. I instantly thought she was the nicest person I had ever met.
“Thank you so much for coming to meet me and Jack. It means a lot, especially after all that you’ve been through.” Her hand was on my shoulder, and her British accent sounded so sophisticated.
I smiled. “Of course.”
“And don’t mind my brother if he’s a little harsh. He’s been in a terrible mood lately.”
I nodded and shrugged. “If he’s dealing with Michael, I don’t blame him.”
We walked in, and I spotted Jack sitting at a table in the corner with a scowl on his face. But even with the scowl, he was fucking gorgeous. Jessica greeted him first as he stood, then he turned to me.
I smiled at him. “Hello.”
He was cold to me, but I was used to that kind of behavior from attractive men, so when Jessica scolded him for it, I waved her off. Seeing his eyes turn from angry to pitiful when I showed him my scars gave me a sense of satisfaction; I had never shown anyone, and knowing that they were as hideous as I thought made me feel validated. Validated, and then ashamed, because I admitted that I still loved him.
When Jack told me that Michael and Hana were back together, it felt like a hole had cut straight through my heart. But she didn’t know the real him. She didn’t know all the horrible things he was capable of.
But now was my chance to show her.