Then
I couldn’t wait to meet Hana at the Bowery. I would finally be face to face with the woman I hated and envied from afar for so long. What would she be like? Would she be as pretty up close? What would she sound like? Would she be understanding, and would she even believe me?
I sat alone on the couch one night, trying to read; Billie and I had just watched an episode of Bridgerton and I was feeling raw and emotional. A sudden knock at the door startled me. I tapped my phone to find that it was 2:30 a.m. I looked at Billie’s door, but it remained closed; she didn’t hear anything. I guess that means I have to answer it. I slowly tiptoed toward the door and looked out the peephole. My heart dropped. I opened the door, and there stood Hana in sweats and a T-shirt, with her purse and other clothes crumpled up in her hands. She was even prettier up close; her hair was damp, her eyes were wide, and for once, she wasn’t wearing her matte red lipstick. But she looked upset.
“Hana?”
She looked confused as her brows pulled together and her wide eyes grew even wider.
I laughed nervously. “Sorry. I’m Billie’s roommate. I’ve seen pictures of you around here.” I glanced at Billie’s door, wondering if I should have flat-out told her who I was because she certainly didn’t seem to know. And why would she? It wasn’t as if Michael would ever talk about me to her. “Come on in. Billie’s still up. I’m sure she’d love to see you.” I wasn’t sure why I said that, but I figured Billie still cared about her, judging by all the pictures of her and Hana that still hung on the walls.
Hana walked in as I sat on the couch, looking around slowly before stopping at the foot of the couch.
She finally spoke. “Um, sorry. How exactly did you meet Billie?” Her voice was soft but somehow accusatory, unless I was just paranoid.
I wanted to tell her the truth. Why wait? But now that we were face to face, I was fucking terrified.
“We have mutual friends.” How fucking vague, Jackie. I shifted on the couch and tried to change the subject. “You know, I thought you and Billie weren’t on great terms.” Oh my God, why did I say that?
Hana looked hurt, and I hated myself for even mentioning it. “Billie and I will always be friends,” she said defensively as she crossed her arms. “Excuse me.” She turned and walked to Billie’s door.
I mentally kicked myself—wasn’t I supposed to put her on my team? I watched as Billie answered her door and, surprisingly, welcomed Hana with open arms. Hana was right; they seemed to have a history and bond that couldn’t be broken.
I slunk down further onto the couch, my mind racing, feeling like a coward. I needed to tell Hana. I would wait until she came back out and then tell her everything. I felt a little better knowing that I had a plan. I got comfortable on the couch, put on a random show on Netflix, and at some point, fell asleep.
My eyes blinked open, and I jolted up with a gasp when I realized it was morning. No, fuck—did I miss her leaving? I glanced at the time on the microwave; it was 10 a.m., well past the time Billie left for work, but her door was closed. Before I could change my mind, I carefully got up and gently opened Billie’s door just a crack. I could see Hana lying in Billie’s bed, still asleep. Okay, thank fuck . I closed the door and decided to wait on the couch.
It wasn’t long before Hana came walking out. I smiled and waved a little. “Good morning.” I wasn’t sure if I disguised the panic I felt. My palms were sweaty, and my hands began to tremble as I sat them in my lap.
She smiled back and headed towards the front door. “Hey, good morning.”
Fucking do it, Jackie. I stood up and blurted the words out. “Um, hey, Hana?”
She turned and I slowly walked closer to her. I was finally going to do it—I was going to betray Michael. The love of my life. The only person who at least pretended, sometimes, to give a shit about me in my adult life. But he deserved it, didn’t he? And Hana needed to know. I didn’t want him to do the same thing to her as he did to me.
“I need to tell you something about Michael,” I began. “My name is Jackie.”
Hana’s eyes widened. She looked terrified. “You’re… Jackie .”
I suddenly felt a sense of relief, or did it just make me happy to know that Michael spoke about me?
“So you’ve heard of me.”
She only nodded. She seemed frightened, and I suddenly felt extremely guilty. I needed her to know that I wasn’t the enemy—Michael was.
“I was supposed to approach you at the Bowery next week, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Especially since you just showed up here.” My eyes began to fill with tears as my heart raced.
She shook her head as her eyebrows twitched. “You were going to the show?”
I nodded and began to play with the ring that Michael had given me. “Jack asked me to approach you there.”
“Why did he want you to approach me?” She was clearly angry.
“Like I said, I need to tell you something about Michael.”
My hands shook as I rolled up the sleeves of my oversized sweater. I glanced up at Hana, and tears began to fall down her cheeks. Did she somehow know what I was going to show her? I held out my forearm that had “slut” scarred into it; I showed her the other side, the one with “Michael” on it.
“No,” she whispered, visibly trembling.
I had to show her everything. I lifted my sweater over my head to give her a better, unobstructed view.
“Michael did this to me,” I explained as I revealed more scars on my stomach. “He did it on my thighs too. Just here.” I tugged down my pajama pants, uncovering the damage he did to my lower half.
“Oh my God,” she breathed out. I looked up and saw her hands covering her mouth, tears still streaming down her cheeks.
I pulled my pants back up and I knew I had succeeded—she believed me.
“I’m so sorry that he did that to you, Jackie. I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
“You don’t have to apologize for anything, Hana. Michael did this. And I stayed with him and keep running back to him because I’m a fucking idiot. I just hope you’re smarter than me because I don’t want him to hurt you.”
She was shaking her head, hiccuping between her sobs. “No, Jackie. He’s a master manipulator. You are not an idiot. I just can’t…” She trailed off, staring past my head. “I can’t believe he did this. I believe you, I just… I’m heartbroken. I’m devastated.”
I nodded. “You have every right to be.”
I was surprised when she reached out her hand to my shoulder and gave me a look of sympathy. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make this about me. Jackie… thank you so much for telling me this.”
She reached in for a hug and I immediately hugged her back, relief flooding my body. We both began to cry and I realized that even in the absolute horror show I endured, I took solace in knowing that I no longer needed to go through it alone.