Chapter 10 #2
Ford thought he was extending an olive branch, calling back to the early years of our partnership where I’d had a habit of misjudging the weather and needed to turn to him for an extra layer of clothing.
He would chalk it up to my forgetfulness, too focused the task at hand to consider how cold it would be outside.
The reality was that it was intentional, a sly method to wrap myself in clothing that smelled like him to calm the Bond down.
I forcibly kept my eyes on the horizon while Ford moved behind me. Fuck all that did to help me.
If anything, it was a deeper torture to listen as he said, in a soft, caressing voice, “Shhh, boy. I’m trying to help Esme. You want me to do that, right?”
Sky grumbled, but let him approach. I stayed stroking the underside of his chin to let him know it was okay. The rest of my body could hardly move, it was so stiff.
I closed my eyes as I heard Ford work the buckle of the saddle bag open, then stuff his flannel inside.
You should have put it on, the Bond said, unhappily. Cautiously, though, as if it could sense my fury, my willingness to shove it so far to the back of my mind it wouldn’t find its way out.
Ford was taking his sweet time, which made Sky restless. He kicked his foot again, lifting dust in its wake.
“You already pushed me over, Sky, wasn’t that enough?” Ford asked in a low, rough voice.
It took everything in me not to turn around and ask him what he meant. I stayed strong, if not to convince myself that I could. I couldn’t give in to this hours after feeling the Bond come back.
When Ford was done, buckling my saddle bag closed, he didn’t move. He stayed there, standing behind me, and started stroking Sky’s side. The little traitor immediately relaxed.
I took a wide step away from Ford before I turned around. He was already looking at me. “What?” I snapped, my throat starting to feel funny at his perusal. I much preferred it when he wasn’t paying attention to me.
That’s not true, the Bond said, pouting. I flicked it away like a pestering fly, annoyed that it was telling the truth. Ford had never truly ignored me. He’d treated me with the attention and deference expected of a partner, but that somehow felt worse.
There was something different in the way he was looking at me now, something harder to deal with.
Ford just shook his head, and if I wasn’t mistaken, there was a ghost of a smile playing at his lips. “Normally I’m the one waiting on you. Eager to get out of here?”
“To get away from you,” I snapped, then immediately regretted it.
Not because it was mean, because it was exposing.
Ford’s smile didn’t drop an inch.
He took two steps towards me, closing the distance between us in a second with his long stride. Panic shot through me, telling me to run. At that very moment, Shadow came trotting out from the stables behind Ford.
Ford sensed her arrival, and turned to greet her, giving me a much needed moment to breathe. “Well, apologies, but I can’t do that.”
My head was spinning, all of the sudden overwhelmed by Ford’s proximity and the continued weight of all my aired-out secrets.
“I thought we agreed not to do this,” I said, anger propelling me towards Ford, even though I’d promised myself to keep as much distance—physical and emotional—as possible.
“Do what, Esme?” Ford said, his voice as steady and calm as ever. I hated how much of a rock he was to me, to everyone.
You should be nice to him, the Bond snapped.
Leave me alone, I growled. The Bond was already clawing at me to take care of Ford, annoyed that I wasn’t doing all that I used to.
Appeasing the Bond had been a long-studied practice, one method of which was tending to Shadow behind Ford’s back—she was well compensated with treats for letting me—and conveniently meeting his needs under the guise of self protection.
“You’re being intentionally dense,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Shadow’s big eyes blinked next to my face, her head turning over my shoulder, pulled in by a desire for chin scratches.
I didn’t remember walking over, getting this close to Ford, but I couldn’t step back now. My stomach pulled tight, a weird sort of anticipation building in my chest, making me want to breathe a little faster.
“Explain it to me anyway,” Ford said, and I saw his cheek kick up in a small smile. He had a more subtle humor, not one for big stories and loud gestures, but I felt the urge to match his smile regardless.
It took effort to keep my lips steady, to make my voice sharp as I said, “Acting like a real paranima. Concerned with my every movement and all that.”
Ford stopped his adjusting, turning towards me.
Suddenly, there wasn’t enough room at all.
Shadow’s head was curled over my shoulder and Ford was too close.
There was nothing to do but look up at him helplessly as he said, “We are real paranimas. Unless you found some other part of our Mark that differentiates us.”
God, he said it so plainly, like it was as natural as talking about breathing, about waking up in the morning. That made it feel all the more heavy, like it was a fact of the universe no one could argue with.
“You know what I mean,” I choked out, trying to restrain the urge to duck under his shoulder and run away.
Ford leaned an inch closer and I fell back into Sky’s neck. I was starting to feel a little dizzy. “I’m afraid I don’t.”
And there went my temper. A frustrated growl flew from my throat as my hands curled into fists. My foot might have hit the ground in a stomp.
Ford didn’t move a muscle, completely unaffected. He knew I wouldn’t actually hurt him. I was tempted to shove against his chest just to prove him wrong, but that would require touching him. I’d done that once today. It didn’t need to happen again.
He took several seconds to just assess me, looking at me with renewed interest. I couldn’t quite blame him. I’d probably do the same if I found out he was keeping this big of a secret from me. It didn’t stop his perusal from burning, though.
And boy, did my skin feel like it was on fire with every pass of his eyes over me. That tingling only increased as he said, “Peter warned us that the Bond would come back, likely stronger. Do you think it’s wise to repress it until it makes me do something stupid? Possibly harming one of us?”
For someone who didn’t have any experience with the Bond, Ford sure knew how to phrase things so that it awoke, shoving control into its feral little hands.
“I’ll be just fine,” I countered. Though I realized too late that was exactly the answer Ford was looking for.
He leaned in, pulling close with interest. “Please, tell me why that is. Tell me what you did to get good at resisting it.”
“That’s none of your—”
“In fact, I think it is my—”
“It won’t be for much longer.”
Tension pulled tight between us as we both went silent, mine brought on from saying something I shouldn’t and Ford…well, Ford’s seemingly from horror.
I couldn’t stand the way he was looking at me, eyes wide and jaw slack, so I took the coward’s way out and turned away from him.
All it took was one little puff of air, nothing more than an exhale from Ford, for me to panic and slip under Shadow’s neck.
It was a quick scramble onto Sky, then a click in the back of my throat to send him running.
It wasn’t until I was several yards away, only able to scrape in one unsteady breath, that I realized that Ford hadn’t followed me. I didn’t turn around to look, but I would have been able to feel him if he was there.
The Bond agreed, rumbling unhappily at the growing separation.
“Just run,” I said to Sky, dropping out of my conscious mind and into that hazy part where my body took over. I knew it wasn’t all that beneficial. I’d been scolded enough times by our base therapist to know better.
Sometimes I just couldn’t help it. My thoughts just felt so heavy and I needed to step away and let time pass in rare moments of silence.
When it wasn’t so good was when I used it to escape emotion. I was unabashedly doing so now, trying to shake off the look on Ford’s face when I’d alluded to getting more suppressant.
He had to know this was for the best. But did he need to look so hurt by it?
By the time Sky had tired himself out, I was feeling marginally better, the endorphins doing their level best to boost my mood. When we rounded back into camp, Ford was still standing in the same place I’d left him.
Shadow was off to the side munching on grass and Sky took off towards her, forcing me to perform a nearly acrobatic feat jumping off his back unless I wanted to join him in nuzzling his mate.
Ford barely seemed to register my approach, only blinking back into his body when I was within a foot of him.
He looks sad. Fix. It.
I opened my mouth, unsure what I was even going to say.
Ford beat me to it. “What did you do to suppress the Bond?”
An answer, full of sarcasm and dismissal, would have been so easy to let fly.
What was harder was to rise above my shame.
To rub the edge of Ford’s flannel through my fingers—I’d put it on halfway through the ride, needing the scent more than the warmth—and answer, “I would give it a piece of what it wanted. Just enough to appease.”
Ford nodded, his eyes seeing right through me. Seeing too much. I so desperately wanted to stop him, but I was frozen to the spot. “And my clothes?”
Oh, of course. Of course. I couldn’t meet his eyes while I said this. It was a miracle I was saying anything at all. “They smelled like you.”
“And that,” Ford broke off with a rough swallow, “helps you?”
I nodded, kicking up dirt with my boot. The dust clouded my vision, but the thing that snapped my gaze up was Ford’s singular, “Mhm.”
One of us had stepped closer. Surely, that’s why it felt like my entire field of vision was focused on Ford’s eyes and the strong bones that framed them.
“What does that mean?” I asked, despite myself.
Ford shook his head, his mouth twisting like he wanted to grin but couldn’t quite manage it. “Just makes sense, is all.”