Chapter 11
Ford
There was a good chance I was dying.
I’d had that thought many times over while Crossing, considering every single trip through the Bridge felt like it was sucking my life force out of me.
Peter had often described the experience of a Cross as being pummeled by horses, like getting trampled by the full weight of the world then spit out on the other side with your skin barely holding you together.
Though I wasn’t one for dramatics, I considered that a gross understatement.
I was sure that was the experience for others, the pain getting more severe as the Matches descended in compatibility, the split between worlds trying harder and harder to tear them apart.
The two other paranimas who had been on active duty when I was first drafted had described it as painful, but with a sort of weird mix of pleasure added, like the Bond was most potent at those moments.
I didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about.
Every single time we Crossed—and the number was at least over two hundred—I was sure that would be the end of my life.
The pain was nearly unbearable, those precious seconds dragging out into agonized oblivion.
The only thing I could focus on was not locking up my muscles hard enough to break Esme’s hand under my grip. Luckily, her hand always seemed flexed, able to withstand a bit of pressure.
That’s because she’s in pain too. That was an old thought, one that I couldn’t have resurfacing while I was trying to climb down rocks and make sure one of us didn’t go tumbling into the Bridge without the other.
Look up.
Another thought, seemingly tossed from the back of my brain.
I listened to it, looking up at the exact moment Esme stumbled over her footing.
My arm was around her waist in seconds, hauling her to me, right as we both dropped into the Bridge.
The feeling of Esme’s body against mine was a distant consideration as the pain set in, slapping me with a force ten times more blinding than it had ever felt before.
My body felt like it was splitting in half, the very core of my being severing to make room for a white-hot burst of energy.
Though my vision was already hazy with long streaks of cosmic stardust, I forced myself to look down.
Esme’s chin tipped up at the same time, bringing our eyes together. My focus latched onto her like a life raft, keeping me afloat in the middle of a storm.
The pain started to fade away as I stared at her, distantly noting how the soft brown of her eyes reflected the rainbow of color around us. For all the jewels she wore, I’d never seen anything sparkle like her eyes did in that moment.
I knew the crease between her eyebrows was coming before it had even fully formed. There was something deeper there…something like trust. Like she was looking to me to give her the answers she sought.
I didn’t know how to answer her when I could barely understand what was happening myself, drunk on heightened sensation.
Every place we were pressed together burned, feeling too much all at once.
Outside of it all was a raw hunger, so forceful I was bending down before I knew better, only to be cut off when we went tumbling out of the Bridge and smack onto the hard stone floor.
What a wonderful welcome home.
That it is, a crystal clear voice crooned in my head, stopping my heart dead in my chest. I realized too late that I had been the only one to hit the floor, Esme landing right on top of me.
She blinked down at me in confusion, right as that voice sounded off again, in an indiscriminately pleased yell that sounded far too high pitched to be my own thoughts, sounding more like someone else was screaming into my—
Oh, shit.
Esme jumped off me a second later, scurrying away from me with a look of horror.
I did not like that. I especially didn’t like it when several Matches came stumbling out of the Bridge, obscuring Esme from my vision.
I barely even noticed Soren and Bellamy were among that group, only hearing the edges of Soren chastising someone for tripping and sending over six pairs falling through the Bridge at the same time.
That could have gone very, very badly, and yet, I didn’t have the mind to focus on that when something was shrieking its displeasure in my head, frantic with the need to find Esme.
Woah, woah, woah, it’s okay, I said, trying to calm the voice down.
In my obvious inexperience, I didn’t know that engaging with said voice was the absolute last thing you should do.
All that intense energy was redirected internally, sending a buzzing sensation through my entire body. God help me, that was definitely—
OH MY GOD, FORD! That voice screeched inside my head, sounding like a child pulling on its parent’s pant leg. There you are. I’ve been trying to get your attention foreverrr.
Well, if that wasn’t a great introduction to the Bond, apparently forced awake by the intensity of the Cross. I felt like I had to approach it like a rabid animal, and from what I’d seen from Bellamy and Soren recently, that was an appropriate reaction.
Its attention was redirected once again when another stumbling pair bumped into me on the way out of the Bridge.
Where is Esme? the Bond demanded with a near feral growl. I don’t see her. I like to look at her. More than you do, anyway.
Woah, hold on now, I interrupted, not at all concerned that I was arguing with my own mind.
I WANT ESME NOW! The Bond screamed, doing something that made it feel like my skull was being squeezed hard enough to crack.
I was already walking forward, catching the barest glimpse of her hair through the ever-growing crowd.
God damnit, this felt like wading through quicksand, and the Bond was only feeding on my growing irritation, making me think it was normal to shoulder check old friends.
By the time I pushed through, blindly guided to Esme by a deep tug in my abdomen, I strongly considered shoving Soren out of the way just for obscuring my view of her for a second longer.
The moment Esme saw me, her gaze dropped to the ground.
The Bond didn’t understand that she clearly wasn’t as excited to see me. The second I was close enough to see the scattered, dark freckles on the skin—marks that were now registering in my vision with shocking clarity—the Bond freaked out, shrieking her name in my head.
God damnit, this thing was fucking loud.
Shame slithered around my neck, hot and biting, at the realization that this was what Esme had dealt with for three years.
When Esme finally got within arm’s reach, enough that her scent started to wrap around me, and she looked up at me through lowered lashes…
The Bond exploded.
I was on her in a second. If Esme didn’t have the reflexes of a fucking cat, I probably would have sent us both tumbling to the ground again, this time pinning her beneath me.
Instead, I ended up hitting the floor so hard, I would have shattered my nose on the stone if I hadn’t caught myself at the last minute.
“What the hell?” Esme yelled, while I rolled onto my back with a groan, running my hands down my face.
Soren’s big head entered my vision a second later, doing a piss poor job of hiding his smirk. “Why are you on the ground?”
“I tripped,” I grumbled, the best excuse I could come up with for that lapse in sanity.
Esme’s face joined his a second later, looking down at me with clear judgment. “I have never seen you trip a day in my life,” she said cautiously, still regarding me like a caged animal.
Well, she wasn’t going to let me get out of this one easy, was she? Fine, I wouldn’t let her get away with it either. She knew what was going on, she just wouldn’t admit it yet.
Though this probably wasn’t the best setting to break the news, she’d be more angry if I kept it from her. “The Bond made me do it.”
The color drained from Esme’s face so fast I thought she might faint. Unfortunately for both of us, that thought set the Bond off again, and I was up and grabbing her before I could blink.
Esme twisted out of my hold no less than a second after my hands wrapped around her upper arms, taking several steps away from me and raising her hands between us.
Soren muttered something to Bellamy, and they both maneuvered so they were blocking us from the rest of the crowd.
We were still trapped in this room until everyone made it through the Bridge, and people were still popping out of that shimmering portal to Muli.
I waited as she took one, two, three breaths in. “What did you just say?” she finally asked, her voice thick with an emotion I couldn’t recognize. I’d seen nearly every iteration of her moods over the years, but this was something different, something heavier.
“I said the Bond made me do it.” Esme looked downright offended by the calm tone of my voice, but it was just a fact.
I was already having a hard time keeping it quiet. It was pushing all my baser instincts to the surface, unlocking long silenced parts of my brain.
“Oh, and that’s just normal, then?” Esme whisper-yelled, her arms flailing out to the side. She pinned me with a hard, if not a little wild, stare. “When did this happen?”
Even though the corridor we were stuck in was massive, it felt like the room was closing in around me, pushing all my focus towards Esme, forcing me to take a step towards her.
The mirroring step Esme took away from me sent a splintering pain through my chest. My jaw was clenched, pushing my next words through my teeth. “Right after we Crossed.”
Esme heaved in a breath, planting her hands on her hips while a little furrow formed between her brows. She looked…well, she looked rather childish. Like a little girl about to be pulled into something new, and her first reaction was to approach it with fear.
I don’t like that. Fix it, the Bond commanded, with a sharp snap of fury that I would stand by and let her look that concerned.
“An—and what did it say to you?”
If not to try and dispel the anguish that question built in my throat, realizing that this was affecting her so deeply it made her steady-as-stone voice waver, I answered, “It didn’t like that I couldn’t see you.”