Chapter 22
Pic Nic Maze
Arabella was struggling this morning. She should finally use the private breakfast room in her quarters or follow her usual routine of joining the Duke for breakfast.
She decided that she would not give him the satisfaction of pouting and hiding in her room.
So, she got ready and took with her some of the ledgers she had to work on.
She needed to occupy her mind with something, or else she would lose her composure.
Moreover, she would like to have a good excuse so that she wouldn’t have to look upon his stupid face.
When she entered the breakfast room, he was already seated there. He was usually earlier than she was, but in this particular moment, that truly irritated her. She reminisced on the times that the Duke would have his breakfast in his own office, but now here he was, like unavoidable fate.
“Good morning, Your Grace,” she said politely and took her place at the table.
“I trust you slept well,” Gerald responded.
His words were perfectly timed with the placement of her cup in front of her, something that would have given her enough ammo to hurl at him. Luckily for him, she had enough self-control, and also, this happened to be her favorite tea set.
“Very well, Your Grace, thank you.”
She avoided eye contact, not out of childish impulse, but because that same self-control would have been shattered if she looked at him too long.
She poured herself some tea and pretended to enjoy breakfast, which was a glorious lie, given that she hadn’t enjoyed neither sleeping nor tasting the biscuits.
It was all because of him. She found it inexcusable to shut her out last night when clearly something terrible had happened. She thought that they had an understanding, a kind of partnership that was in equal measure, and yet last night Gerald had decided for both of them without her consult.
“I am told that you should like to redecorate the grand dining hall,” Gerald said.
“I think it is high time we host a few dinners,” Arabella said in a very controlled manner. “It is, after all, expected of us.”
“I had seen first-hand how popular you are, so all these friends must be anxious to see you in your new environment.”
“Yes, Your Grace,” she simply offered.
She opened the ledger and pretended to follow the numbers and the expenses. Whether he believed the ruse or not mattered little to Arabella.
“There is also the matter of the lake being cleaned,” he tried once more to drag her into conversation.
“It will be taken care of, Your Grace,” she said, looking quite intently at the numbers swimming on the ledger.
“You are quite occupied this morning,” Gerald said.
“I have certain duties, Your Grace. I should hate to neglect them,” she answered without looking up to him.
“No, it wouldn’t sound like you, but you certainly found time to be more involved during breakfast.”
“Involved in what exactly, do you mean, Your Grace?”
“Mainly in conversation.”
“I believe I am carrying my part of the conversation quite well, Your Grace. Better than most.”
“I believe that was a pointed comment on my behavior.”
“If it pleases you to think so.”
“It really doesn’t, Your Grace,” he said with a sigh.
That earned him enough attention to stop pretending she was working on her ledgers and look up to him. Gerald was already watching her over the rim of his cup. He set it on the saucer, leaned closer.
“You are displeased with me, Arabella.”
“Again, if it pleases you to think so, Your Grace.”
“And again, it really doesn’t.”
“Is this some kind of perpetual conversation we are going to have for the rest of the morning? Because I do have matters to attend to.”
“Then all you have to do, Arabella,” he said solemnly, “is to admit that you are displeased with me and tell me the reason.”
“How audacious of you, Your Grace, to think that you can engage in meaningful conversation whenever it suits your fancy.” Arabella gave him a very polite smile.
“You are referring, of course, to my behavior last night.”
“It seems that His Grace remains sharp as ever,” Arabella gave him a fake smile.
“If His Grace was sharp as ever, he wouldn’t have behaved the way he did last night.”
Arabella dropped the smile and looked at him finally, with the honesty that the situation demanded. Coldly.
“I’m… I’m trying to apologize.”
She said nothing, merely raised her eyebrow, waiting for him to finish.
“I shouldn’t have dismissed you the way I did.”
“That is correct.”
“I was just trying to protect you from being aware of a situation that was out of your control.”
“So you decided for me what I could endure and what I couldn’t, and you found me lacking.”
Gerald looked as if he had been hit in the face. He hadn’t even considered how his dismissal and keeping her in the dark made her feel. She was happy to enlighten him that morning.
“That was not my intention.”
“Was it not? Because the effectiveness was quite spectacular, I assure you.”
“There was no need for you to worry.”
“Because you have taken care of it like a man, you protected my poor, weak self, am I wrong?”
“I regret my tone,” Gerald said softly.
“Your tone was not the problem.”
Gerald looked down for a moment, realizing that Arabella was not merely pouting because he was abrupt with her, but because he essentially kept her at arm’s length.
“Arabella, I didn’t want to worry you.”
“It is funny how that works, because I was worried whether you explained to me or not. In fact, the fact that you did not tell me made me imagine things that might be even more horrible than reality. So you accomplished nothing.”
“Arabella,” Gerald showed a hint of displeasure, “you do not understand.”
“It would be quite difficult for me to understand when I have no input on the situation.”
He frowned at her. Arabella got even angrier. Instead of realizing the place he had put her in, now he had the nerve to be angry at her because she didn’t just forgive him and move on.
“You were in danger, and I acted accordingly.”
Arabella was momentarily stunned. She hadn’t realized up till then that it was her who was in danger. Not that this changed anything, perhaps it even made matters worse. If she were, in fact, the one in danger, he could have shared that information with her.
“I am grateful that you acted swiftly to protect me,” Arabella felt that she needed to be fair, “but I don’t see the reason for you not to share what has happened in the safety of our carriage or in our house.”
“I didn’t want to-”
“The problem you raised is that we are still talking about what you wanted and not what I needed.”
They looked at each other over the breakfast table, both of them standing their ground. It dawned on them for a moment that they were both doing something necessary and incredibly stupid at the same time.
She was demanding something from him that was apparently not in his arsenal while she was still expressing her needs. And he was adamant that what he did was noble without taking into account how that made her feel.
It pained her to think that he acted more like a strategist than like a husband. She didn’t demand it even that much. She would be satisfied if he behaved at least like a partner.
“We cannot always get what we need, Arabella,” he seemed slightly frustrated, talking to her as if she were a child.
“But most certainly we can at least get what we deserve,” she said in a very icy tone.
She took the napkin off her lap and set it on the table. It seemed that she had miscalculated this morning. It would have been infinitely better if she had stayed in her private quarters.
“If there is nothing else, Your Grace,” she got up.
Gerald looked at her and opened his mouth to say something, but meeting her gaze made him change his mind. It seemed that there was some prudence left in the Duke.
She took a step to the door, anxious to leave this room and this day and this memory and these feelings behind.
“What would you have me do, Arabella?”
Perhaps he spoke too soon about the Duke being able to read the situation and act accordingly. She thought that she had put enough distance between them to convey that she needed some time. But no. He had to have the last word.
“It seems that no matter what I tell you, you will act accordingly,” she used his own words against him, “and do what you think is best. So let us not waste valuable time that neither of us has.”
“I insist, Arabella.”
Arabella prided herself on not being the person to get easily angry beyond measure, but it seemed that the Duke was determined to test those limits. Very slowly, she turned to fully face him. She kept her composure and looked into his eyes.
“I would have you treat me nothing more or nothing less than an equal.”
Arabella unceremoniously left and finally headed towards her room. This was definitely going to be a bad day, but she was not looking forward to facing it.
* * *
The time came for time, and Arabella learned from her mistakes. She rang for Winnie. This time, she would have her dinner in her room to avoid any more unpleasant conversations. After all, during dinner there were knives involved, and she was only human.
But before she had the chance to ring for food to be brought to her room, she heard a knock on her door. She had been with Winnie for many years and could read her and her moods very well.
“Come in, Winnie, I was just going to ring you.”
The door opened, but instead of her maid, Gerald walked in. She was so surprised to see him that she audibly gasped.
“That is quite an extreme reaction to seeing your husband, Your Grace,” he had a smirk on his face.
Arabella was holding quite a hefty book, and for the second time today, she felt the urge to hit him with something. She resolved that by dinner, there would be ample other opportunities to do so.
“I believe that we concluded all that was to be said and done today, Your Grace,” she returned to her book, “unless there are more things you do not want to talk to me about.”