Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Anastasia
T wo weeks had passed, and my messages still went unanswered; my calls diverted.
He was gone.
I didn’t know where he had gone, and I didn’t know how long he would be away for. No one would tell me anything. The only piece of information I got was from Savina, who had told me that Valerio was sorry.
That was it.
He had told me that I could trust him, and he would take care of everything. But here I was, alone and waiting for the impending arrival of my fiancé. Just like most men in my life, Valerio now joined the list of people who just disappointed me. I wanted to have faith in him and for him to come through, but as I stared at the unanswered messages and calls, it dwindled with each passing second.
Ana: Where did you go?
Ana: Are you okay? Savina told me that you were sorry and that you left. What happened? You just stormed off without a word.
Ana: You told me to trust you. Why aren’t you answering my calls?
Ana: Really? Not even a goodbye?
My heart was completely and utterly shattered. I knew that taking a step toward him was a risk, and I knew that my heart would likely take a hit, but I never imagined that it would be this painful.
I twirled the bracelet he had given me around my wrist, and I felt my heart break all over again. He had told me that this would be a symbol of him when he wasn't near me. He had told me that it was to remind me of him and to know that no matter where I was, he would always come back and find me again.
So where was he? Why could I not see him?
I thought this before, but now I was certain that I was in love with him. I was in love with Valerio Valdez. The Calloused King. The Prince of Darkness. I had given my heart to this man without even realizing it, and when I’d finally noticed how far I had fallen, it was too late. There was no safe landing for me. I had only hoped that he would be there at the bottom, waiting to catch me. But judging from the way things were going, I had little hope I would feel his arms around me. Instead, I would be met with cold, hard floor.
Tears pricked the back of my eyes.
It was a cruel and twisted joke that had been played on me.
I stared out into the water and breathed in the crisp air.
I could always think when I was close to the water. I closed my eyes and placed the back of my head against the trunk. The stinging behind my eyes increased, and when I closed them, I could feel the first tear roll down my cheeks.
I was overwhelmed. Everything just felt so heavy at the moment, and I didn’t have the energy to do anything. Valerio had abandoned me, and my brother had boxed me into a corner.
The tears flowed down my cheeks faster, wetting my skin.
I could feel my heart breaking. I didn’t know that was possible.
I felt a shadow loom over me, which caused me to peel my eyes open. I immediately connected with a pair of dark brown eyes that stared down at me.
“Do you mind if I join you?” Savina stood above me in her summer dress and a small little child in her arms. Her hair was down, and her face was void of any makeup.
I was so used to seeing her done up and polished that seeing her laid back and… normal, humanized her.
I cleared my throat and wiped away the stray tears that remained on my face. I blinked away the last moisture and then forced a smile onto my face. The wind blew through my hair gently, and the leaves whistled along with the air.
“Sure.”
The corner of Savina’s lips was titled upward in a small smile. “Can you hold her for me?”
Without hesitation, I opened my arms ready to receive the little one. Her mother gently placed her into my arms without stirring her awake.
“Oh, my goodness.” I stared at the little piece of heaven in my arms. Her cheeks were rosy, with a perfect little cupid bow. Her little chest rose and fell gently as she slept in my arms. “She’s gorgeous. You made a beautiful baby, Savina.”
She sat beside me with her legs crossed and looked down at her daughter. I could see the love radiating from her eyes. Her children were her heart and soul.
“Thank you. I didn’t know that evil like me could make such purity and innocence.” There was a distant tone in her voice. “I never saw myself as a mother. I knew there was a certain part of me that always wanted children, but I didn’t know if I was capable of actually doing it. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, but there was another part of me that didn’t want to fuck this up. I only knew of this world. That was what I had grown up in. I was calloused, cold, and deadly. It was what I needed to be to survive the world that I had been entrusted to lead. How could I, the Ice Queen, raise children with love and compassion?”
Savina brushed the back of her finger against her daughter’s cheek. Seeing them interact made my heart contract from the thoughts of the reality my life would have been if this world had been different.
I rarely saw her children, and within the weeks I had been here, I had only ever seen her son a few times and sweet Esmeralda twice. She was protective, which meant she jealously guarded them. She understood the world we lived in, and she wanted to protect them as any mother would.
“She softens you.” I moved my eyes from the sleeping baby to Savina. She stared right back at me with that same piercing gaze that Valerio had often given me. “Them, and Andres.”
“Love has a funny way of doing that.” Her words had a double meaning in them. There was more to what she was saying, and I was almost certain I understood it well. “ You made him soft.”
I didn’t need to ask who she meant. The true question of what she was asking had been in her eyes for weeks. She had known of Valerio.
“He’s gone.”
She nods her head slowly in agreement. “Not to his own vocation, I would say. You do understand why the two of you can’t be together, yes?”
“I do. I’m not a child. Sergei is meant to help revive my family’s honor and all that we lost.” The words had been burned into my mind by my brother. I understood the role that I had to play. His life was on the line, and there was no other choice left for me. I needed to protect him just as he had done for me, for many years of my life.
“Women in our world are often used as the bargaining chip to elevate a man’s status and power level. We have no access or claim to that power. We are simply used as the key to turning the lock so they can walk through the doorway. They think that we are the ones who are useless, just toys to use, but they are wrong. I know you feel powerless. I felt the same when I was told that I would be forced to marry Andres. We were from opposing families; how could we ever make peace? But I knew that the duty was to my Family and the Organization. I had to be selfless. But within myself, I was selfish. I did everything on my terms, and I bowed to no one, including my fiancé. I was trained to be a weapon, but I saw that the most lethal attack against my husband was my women-ness. Men start wars for women. They have broken down entire Kingdoms for a pretty face. Men may hold the power, but we can command it whilst it is in their grasp.”
I never thought of it that way.
“You see, men use their violence and brutality. Women, we use our brains and beauty. We cannot be leveled down by sex or looks. We have control and restraint… so use yours. Wipe your tears. The life you will live is long and hard. You cannot allow him to see you weak. You already are the face that launched a thousand ships, Anastasia. You brought one of the most calloused and cruel underbosses in the country to his knees with one look.” Her words were strong and piercing. She wanted me to grasp that concept and make it mine. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry that you have to marry that man.”
I waited for a beat to allow her words to sink into my mind. I stared down at the little sleeping child in my arms. She was only but a baby, but from the moment she took her first breath, she inherited the enemies of her parents. Poor little thing didn’t know just how much power and violence covered her life already. And yet, her mother had managed to shield her and her older brother from the outside world. Savina had managed to create a haven where she could exist away from it all.
“I’ve looked up to you for some time. We are both women, and yet you have managed to make peace with the darkness that surrounds you, and you not only found your voice, but you also sit at the helm of the ship.” I wished that I could be what she was. “I’m not like you. I wish I could be, but I’m not. I was never built for this world, and I told my brother that. But he wants to restore honor to our family. This world is all we have ever known, and he can’t see himself existing outside of it. Whereas I can. I can see a life where I’m happy beyond the bullets and blood.”
It was easy enough to say the words that she was saying. The issue came about when it was time to act on it. Every time I thought of my marriage to Sergei, my heart just constricted in pain. Her advice was sound and practical, but I didn’t believe that I had it in me. Call me naive or foolish, but I dreamed of a fairytale ending where I got to ride off into the sunset. I didn't want to settle for this world.
Yet he still lived in this world. He thrived in it, no , he commanded it. How could I yearn for a man that existed in the very darkness I longed to leave?
“Have you heard from him?” The question left my lips without my full consent.
Her eyes softened. “No. He’s gone off the grid.”
My heart deflated.
Savina sighed and brushed the back of her hand against her daughter's head. The little bean stirred in my arms, but she didn’t wake. She lifted her gaze and connected with my eyes.
“Valerio is complicated. His past is ridden with scars that he refuses to talk about, so we have no way of helping him. But for all his faults, that man cares deeply for you. I watched him become half of the shell that he was for almost two years, and then, he met you. You were his angel, his heaven . You offered him a peace that he had been searching for, and you filled the void that this life has left him with. I love Valerio, he is like a brother. I could see that he was in pain, and no matter what we did, we could never take it away. But in only a short life-defining moment, you healed all the broken parts of him, Anastasia. And for that, I will forever be grateful. I wish I could give you what you desire, but a war is something that my family cannot risk. Not with my children.”
I let out a low and humorless laugh. “So, you came out here to tell me that I need to lose hope for your brother-in-law? Is that why you handed me your daughter? To soften the blow?”
The side of her lips tilted upward. “I felt the news would be better received with a bundle of joy in your arms.”
I couldn’t help the small laughter that bubbled up from my chest. “I suppose so. I think I’m just?—”
My words never had the chance to leave my lips, because we were interrupted by one of the guards. We both looked up at him.
“Sorry to disturb, ma’am. You have a guest.”
“A guest?”
For some reason, my heart skipped a beat. The same dread I had been feeling the past week and a half settled into my belly.
“Sergei.”
Fuck.
What was he doing here?