Chapter Twenty
chapter twenty
ISLA
The wind keeps tossing loose strands of my hair into my eye-line as I sit cross legged in the sand with my sketch pad in my lap. When we went out on the boat, I noticed this small beach tucked away in the corner of the bay, and decided today was the perfect day to make the trip out here. I’m surprised there’s not more people that come to swim here, the waves are so calm inching their way up the sand, but I can see the locals from here in the distance, jumping off the rock wall on Main like they do every day.
I’ve slowly been filling the pages of the book Nora gave me with my pastel artworks. I’m finding myself attracted to the imperfectness of them, and today I wanted to come down here for some peace, and for some new scenery to take inspiration from, but my hair flying into my face is interrupting said peace.
I rip out my hair tie before pulling my hair back into a braid. I’m halfway through when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I half expect it to be Brandon when I pull it out, before remembering that I blocked his number late last night. I was sick of the bombarding messages and after my conversation with Caio last night I decided I don’t need to waste any more energy on him, even if that is just pushing decline on his calls. Hopefully he’ll finally get the message and leave me alone.
My mom’s face flashes up on my phone, still buzzing in my hand. The photo is of the both of us at my high school graduation, I’m smiling so wide at the camera, and she’s looking at me, pride welling in her eyes, she was so excited for me, and I was equally excited for my future, thinking my mom would be so proud when I finished my degree, following my passion. I let my hair fall away as I contemplate whether I should pick up or not.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Isla? Oh honey it’s so good to hear your voice.” A wave of guilt crashes over me at the amount of her calls I’ve declined since being here. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to hear what she’s got to say about everything that went down.
“Why haven’t you been picking up?”
“Sorry Mom, I’ve just been busy,” I say. It’s not completely untrue.
“Too busy to answer even Brandon’s calls?”
“Mom, I broke up with Brandon.” As if she doesn’t know this. “There’s no reason for me to answer his calls anymore, I don’t want to see him again, or talk to him for that matter.”
“Never mind that, what are you doing there?”
“Just relaxing Mom, taking some time for myself.”
I can hear her sigh on the other end. “Well, when will you be back?”
“Not until the end of summer.”
“Oh honey that’s far too long, you need to come home soon, back to your real life.” But the longer I’m here, the more my life in New York feels like it’s not my real life, or like maybe it shouldn’t be.
“Your father has said he will keep a spot here for you at his firm if you come home now.”
“Mom, I’m not coming home now, and even if I was, I don’t want to work at dad’s firm, I never have.”
“Brandon is working there now, you two could work together.” Of course he is. I don’t even want to know how he wormed his way in. I don’t miss the fact that she ignored my earlier comment that I don’t want to see Brandon, let alone work with him.
“Mom, I’m not coming home for a while so tell dad to fill the position.”
“Don’t be a silly girl.” Her patience snaps. “You can’t just frolic off on some little holiday, don’t you realize how this affects your father and me? You need to come home now.”
“How this affects you?”
“Everyone is asking where you are, what you’re doing, where you’re going to work, and what are we supposed to say Isla? You had a hissy fit and disappeared after we talked to you about a real career. I understand you like to paint and that’s why we allowed you to study it, but we all knew you would think about something serious when you finished. Take after your brother, look at how well he is doing. Everyone asks about you, and we don’t know what to say!”
Does she miss the fact that her son is so successful, yet he never comes home to visit?
“I miss you too Mom, but I can’t come home right now, have a good day,” I say before hanging up.
I let out a long breath, tossing my phone away from me, cringing when it lands in the sand. If I stayed on that call any longer, I don’t know how much longer I could’ve been polite.
Her words claw at the edge of my mind. At the end of the day she’s right, isn’t she? I can’t just run away thinking it will fix everything. In reality it will just make things worse when I inevitably go back.
But I can’t imagine going back there after being somewhere so vibrant. My life in New York is dull in comparison to this. I know people might call it holiday fever, but I don’t necessarily feel like I’m on holiday anymore. Everyday this place feels a little bit more like mine, and after May dropped the bomb on me that she’s not in any rush to go home, my head has been spinning, reevaluating what I want my life to look like.
My hair is blowing behind me now, and I take a few intentional breaths. In for three, hold, and out for three. I don’t meditate, but right now feels like one of those times that I should pretend that it works for me.
I give up, opening my eyes to the ocean in front of me. I stand up and quickly strip my clothes off before walking into the water, needing to feel the steady calm of the waves around me.
I don’t think I can change the feeling that’s blooming in my soul. My love for Ruby Cove and the little life we are carving out here grows every day. These people and this place feel like home, even after such a short period of time. I just can’t figure out if that’s a good or a bad thing.
I can’t help but feel like it’s too good to be true and it’s all just going to blow up in my face, like I’m just waiting for the bomb to drop.
But despite that, as I look out, I can’t help but smile. I lay back floating on my back, closing my eyes against the sun as I relent all control, giving myself over to the waves.
The feeling of the water holding me in place makes my worries feel so insignificant, it’s cathartic. It feels like I could write my worries in the sand, wait, watch the tide wash over them and let that worry drift out to sea. It reminds me that whatever that worry is, it’s temporary, everything is if I choose it to be.
I need to remember what I came here for, I needed to get away, to take time for myself, to figure out what I want. I’m not letting other people dictate what I do anymore.
I spend the next few hours out here, watching the sun go to sleep, flicking my page every time the sky changes, hoping to capture every moment. Granted I could just take a photo, but it’s not the same to me.
I’ve nearly filled every page now. Creating so freely like this helped me get out of my head and reconnect with myself. It gave me time to think. I need to give myself the space to simply exist here. Spend time with myself, reevaluate what I really want for myself, hopefully by the end of summer I’ll have made progress in being the woman I really want to be.
I want to be the woman who does what she wants wholly, who prioritizes doing things that make her happy, no matter what they are, the woman who my friends and family can be proud of because I finally stood up for what I want in my life. That’s who I hope to be someday, I don’t know how long that will take, and I know it’s definitely not as easy as it sounds, but I’m kind of excited to see how I get there.