Chapter Thirty-Five
chapter thirty-five
ISLA
Laughter fills the cozy living room as stories of Caio and Marina are shared over a glass of wine.
We migrated to the leather couches after filling our guts with Vanessa’s lemon panna cotta. I need to get that recipe from her one way or another. Not that I’d be able to replicate it anyway, but I could try.
I adore learning things about Caio that he’s never told me. Like how he used to scare the life out of Vanessa when he would leave the house in the middle of the night to go for a swim in the ocean when he couldn’t sleep, reminding me of the night we met at the pool, he did the same thing.
I did the same thing.
It’s something we have in common, I guess. I wonder if he feels the same way that I do when the water touches my skin? Like everything else washes away and it’s just me and the waves.
She used to think that someone was trying to break in when he’d come home and open the back door. They would often meet in the hallway with Vanessa holding a wooden spoon. Which apparently is no less intimidating than being met with a baseball bat according to Caio.
Apparently, Vanessa could do lethal damage with any utensil, and I don’t doubt that for a second. The woman is fiercely protective of her loved ones. I could only imagine how she’d act in the face of any threat to their happiness or safety.
I learnt about how Caio used to walk with Vanessa to open the bakery every morning for a couple of weeks at four in the morning just so he could get a free breakfast cornetto.
Or how when Marina went for a year to Sorrento to earn her bartending license and Caio had already opened the hotel, he would come and have dinner with the D’Angelo’s every single night, so they’d have company.
I don’t know if that worked out better for them or for Caio, considering he’d get delicious dinners made for him every night. Maybe that’s why his only specialty is takeaways from Antonio’s pizza parlor.
Stories come out about Marina too. About how she used to sneak boys in through her window when she was sixteen and she thought her ma had no idea. “You knew? The entire time?”
“Mmhm,” Vanessa nods.
“You never said anything! I swore if you ever found out, I’d get a visit from the wooden spoon,” she laughs into her glass.
“We got enough enjoyment watching those poor boys fall from your window and scurry off into the night.” Luca nudges his elbow into his wife’s side and they both chuckle, their eyes reminiscent.
It’s been a perfect night. No one has asked any scary questions about Caio and me. It’s just been…natural.
Effortless.
That’s the only word I can think of to describe it how it feels to be here.
It feels like I’ve stepped into another part of Caio’s life that he is showing to me. He’s always so open with me, allowing me to see different parts of himself in ways that I haven’t done for him. A pang of guilt pricks in my chest at the thought.
I notice everyone’s wine glasses empty on the coffee table between us all. “Let me clean these,” I move to pick them up.
“No, don’t worry about it,” Luca says.
“No please, you’ve been more than welcoming, let me at least help with these.”
He leans back in his chair, allowing me to round up all the glasses and take them to the kitchen while they all continue chatting.
I run the tap, filling up the sink with warm water, before opening the cupboards under the sink, searching for the dish soap.
Ah, there.
I pull the bottle out and squirt the pink liquid into the water and watch the bubbles appear on the surface.
As I dunk the first glass in gently washing around the edges, I hear footsteps approaching behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck prickle, and I don’t need any other indication of who’s behind me.
I feel Caio’s warm presence behind me as I lay the first glass on the drying rack on the bench beside the sink.
A finger lightly traces over the top of my ear, before inching its way down my neck at a painfully slow pace. I pause my actions, my fingers dripping with bubbles over the edge of the sink.
“I can’t do it anymore, sweetheart,” he whispers into my hair.
My heart skips a beat. “Do what?”
“I can’t watch you standing here washing dishes in my family home and keep pretending like I’m not falling for you.”
A mix of relief and fear rushes over me at once.
“Frankly, I can’t watch you do anything without taking another step towards that unsteady ledge.”
My breathing is rapid underneath his touch as his finger continues its journey, trailing down my arm.
“Do you know how much I love these little dresses on you?” His fingers play with the hem of my dress. “I’ve never given two thoughts to if I like them or not until you showed up, prancing around in a different dress every day. Whenever I dream of you, you’re wearing one of these.”
I grab another glass from beside me, needing something to occupy my hands and my mind after hearing Caio admit that he dreams of me.
I abandon any idea of resuming the task at hand when Caio presses a kiss right below my ear.
“Did you mean it?” His voice is different now. Laced with a mix of hope and fear, and I struggle to think of what he’s referencing.
“Mean what?” I go to turn around to face him, but he wraps his arms around my waist, holding me in place instead.
“Last night,” he sighs, almost like he’s not sure if he should bring whatever this is up. “When you were talking to Brandon…”
“Yeah?” I’m replaying my conversation with Brandon in my head, quickly trying to sort through everything I could have said.
“You said you weren’t going home. Did you mean it?”
My heart drops to my ass as I realize he’s been holding onto this since last night, probably turning it over in his head all day while I was blissfully unaware at the studio, barely even thinking about my interaction with Brandon. Which is honestly surprising to even admit.
If this had happened a couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to separate myself from that situation.
If this had happened a couple months ago, I’m not even sure how I would’ve reacted to him showing up. But now I can confidently say that I don’t give a single fuck about what that man thinks about me. The compliant girl I was when I was with him is gone, and I can’t help but feel a little proud of myself for that.
My attention is dragged back to the present as Caio toys with a piece of my hair hanging over my shoulder. He lets out a defeated sigh before he says, “I’m a hopeless romantic baby, I can’t help it. I’ve always held out for that special someone. That feeling like I’m floating on a cloud when I’m with that person, and I feel that with you Isla, but I feel so much more.” He’s still holding me in place, like it’s too much to look me in the eyes as he says this. “You opened me up after I spent so long closed off. You push me to want to be a better person, not only for you but for myself. You remind me of the life out there that’s waiting to be lived, and I want to live it with you.”
My eyes close on instinct.
“But behind all of that sits a weight in my chest, the endless worry that you’ll go. I told you that I’m yours, even if you go, and that feels truer with every passing day. But if you go, you’ll be taking my heart with you, because I don’t own it anymore sweetheart, you do.”
My heart is beating out of my chest with a new force. My lungs constricted by the weight of what was said sitting on my chest.
“I’m falling for you Isla, tell me it’s not one sided. Please.” He squeezes me a bit tighter, as if that will keep me from saying the wrong thing.
“I want to mean it.” I twist in his arms, and he lets me this time, and look up into his worrying eyes. “But deciding that feels big to me, all of this feels big to me.” I rest my head on his chest taking a deep breath, and his scent steadies me. “My last relationship was, it was…” I struggle with the words, wanting to open up to him the way he effortlessly does with me. I’ve given him hints of my past, snippets that are enough for him to piece the puzzle together himself, selfishly not wanting to dredge up the past. But I want him to know, want him to see every part of me, including the parts that have made me so weary of this entire situation between us.
“Brandon treated me more like a prize than a partner. He showed me off on any occasion he could, he did grand gestures and big public shows of affection, but he ignored me in private. He only paid me any attention when I was of use to him. He slowly destroyed my self-esteem.
“When I left, I said I wouldn’t do anything for a man, determined to take control of my own life. But I can’t ignore my feelings for you. Trust me I’ve tried. ” I press my hand to his cheek. “I think I fell off that cliff a while ago,” I smile. “And now every single cell in my body wants to move across the world for a man. For you. I want to stay here, but at the same time, I don’t want to make a hasty decision during what could be a honeymoon period. I keep playing this all out in my head imagining all the different ways it could go,” I shake my head, looking down at my feet avoiding his gaze. “I don’t want to get hurt again if this doesn’t work.”
Deep down, I know Caio won’t hurt me. He’s proven to me over and over that he’s the opposite of everything Brandon ever was. Maybe it’s just an easy excuse for the fact that I might break my own heart. I wanted to discover who I am on my own. Not who I am when I throw myself into a new relationship. But I don’t know how I could ever give this up.
He gently tips my chin up with his thumb making me look back into his intense gaze. Caio presses a soft kiss to my lips, enveloping me in his essence before lifting me up to sit on the kitchen counter.
“How about this,” he says, his hands resting on the tops of my thighs. “How about instead of both of us tiptoeing around these big feelings between us and playing it all out in our heads, how about we vow to figure it all out together? Be honest with me baby, every step of the way, any doubt, any concern, be honest with me, and I will do the same. I want to figure this out with you Isla.” He brings a hand to cup my cheek and my eyes naturally flutter closed.
“How does that sound?”
I nod.
“Pinky promise?” He holds his pinky out to me, and I smile as I wrap my pinky finger around his.
“Promise.”
“Can you two stop canoodling out there and come and rescue me!” Marina yells from the living room. “They’re talking about marrying me off to Riccardo!”
Caio and I laugh from where we are in the kitchen. “Why does she need to get married, exactly?” I ask.
“Vanessa wants little grandbabies running around this place sooner than Marina could even find a guy that she likes enough to go on a date with.”
“We could always give her some,” I tease.
His eyes snap to mine with a sadness that wasn’t there before. “Are you trying to break my heart sweetheart? I don’t even know if you’ll still be here in a month’s time, and I am constantly fighting my mind not to envision a future with you. I’m failing miserably. Please don’t make it harder than it already is.”
I look down at my hands in my lap. When those words just fell out of my mouth I didn’t think twice when my mind lit up with visions of little Caio’s running around, I internally beamed at the thought. The fact that Caio doesn’t want to think about those things out of fear of false hope…
How did I not realize the way that my indecision is playing on his mind?
He always acts so okay with everything, so understanding of my situation, but of course this is hard for him. The unknown of it all, just like it is for me. I guess the difference is that I’m here in my head, not that I can exactly articulate or explain how I feel. But I’m going over things a million times in my head, and here I am not sharing any of it with him.
Not enough of it anyway.
No wonder he doesn’t want to hope for a future with me.
“We’ll figure it out,” it’s all I can offer right now. “I promise.”