Chapter 16 Raegan
Raegan
My hands fumble hurriedly with the key card for way too fucking long before a tiny green light appears along with a faint ping and I grapple the handle quickly, pressing down until the hotel door pops open.
I stumble through, then press my back hard against the inside of the door until it clicks closed.
I let my hair out of the tight confines of this fucking bun that’s making my head pound, then release a heavy puff of air aimed at my bangs. Quickly, I kick off my heels and slide down the door until my ass is on the cold, hard floor.
Every single nerve ending I have feels frayed and unbearably exposed.
Why am I even here? What did I think was going to come of any of this?
Pulling my knees to my chest, my head falls forward into my waiting palms as a lone tear slides down my cheek.
I came for my husband and found him with my ex-girlfriend and submissive.
For a second, before I made my presence known, she was happy.
Which is all I’ve ever wanted for her. Then I stepped into the light and my scarred heart cracked when it saw those broken-hearted doe-eyes.
It was a subtle shift, but I’m apparently still attuned to her because I didn’t miss it.
I miss her, though.
I miss the way she lit up under my touch and how she radiated love and light while we were together.
She was so broken when we met. She worked so hard to put herself back together and then I had to go and break her all over again.
I’ll never forget the look on her face the last night we saw each other.
If I told you how many times I almost called her and begged her to take me back, you’d think I was crazy.
Personal reasons aside, I should have never engaged in an intimate relationship with her. It was unethical of me, as her therapist. Yeah, she pleaded with me to do it, but the responsibility laid with me to keep her safe and indulging her was reckless and shameful.
Then there’s the matter of my husband. My fucking husband who I’ve spent so many years hating and plotting the various ways I could exact some level of revenge that would force him to feel and know exactly what he put me through.
He looks older, but altogether not that different.
There’s a slight hint of gray right around his ears that wasn’t there before, but aside from it being more styled, it’s the same wavy light blonde mess I remember.
He’s still tall, tan and lean. He also didn’t lose those piercing blue eyes I love–used to love–so much.
I was early. I know. That’s my own damn fault. I debated for over an hour if I should go or wait. I can’t even say for sure what made me choose the former, but there’s a long list of things I’ve done that I never fully thought through. I didn’t think. I just acted.
Two of those things are now somehow entangled with one another, like a cruel twist of karmic justice where my punishment is to live with the fact that the two loves of my life have somehow been thrust together just to torture me.
I should have just waited in his office, like he asked me to. Did I? Of course not, because I’m a fucking glutton for punishment. Demi was looking way too delicious in her crop top and fucking underwear and Hayes said something about teaching a class.
I admit, I was curious.
So, I wandered the club, which, by the way… is amazing. When I came upon the room he was teaching in, I was unable to tear my eyes away from all that transpired.
Hayes… teaching strangers how to use rope safely.
Watching him show them where to put the rope on a wrist. I stood there and rubbed my left wrist that’s never healed right as I remembered the last night we were together.
Injury aside, It was beautiful, fun and erotic.
It was the first time I really knew I wanted to explore the lifestyle more.
He gave me that.
And then he disappeared in the middle of the night without an explanation.
One of the best–and worst–nights of my life.
Tonight… watching him tie her up. Then taunting her until she begged him to make her come.
And then seeing his fingers disappear inside of her until she found her release…
It was easily one of the most erotic sights to ever have been seen.
Unfortunately, it was also the most painful and that’s a hard bar to reach.
So, like any other emotionally damaged adult… I ran. I ran so fucking fast. My lungs were fighting for air I wasn’t going to find within those walls.
I squeeze my eyes tight, fighting the heavy tears beginning to fill my eyes, threatening to be set free as every detail of his hands on her replay in my mind.
My husband. My Demetria. My heart aches with a fucked up and twisted need to have them both. But I need to remember, I can’t because I hate him and I hurt her.
There’s also a strong chance they both hate me.
A hard knock shakes the door against my back and I freeze until I hear the sound return. It’s louder this time.
Pushing to stand on shaky legs, I peer through the peep hole and see nothing. I release the chain and deadbolt. When I open the door, my breath hitches as my hand flies to cover my mouth.
“Can I come in?” Hayes asks softly, his eyes pleading and filled with a sadness I didn’t recognize earlier.
I pause for a moment, contemplating all the possible scenarios of how this could go. We may hate each other but I don’t believe he’d ever intentionally hurt me. He’s not a fucking monster.
“Sure,” I answer as I pull the door farther open for him. He doesn’t hesitate to walk through.
My eyes burn as they follow him. His hands are stuffed in the pockets of his black slacks causing them to pull against the firm globes of his ass, that I shouldn’t be noticing and his dress shirt is tight against his arms and shoulders but loose and open, revealing the lightest amount of chest hair.
At least he had the forethought to put on a fucking shirt before stopping by. Thank God for small favors.
Speaking of… “How the hell did you find me, Hayes?”
His back is still to me as he quietly and calmly mutters, “You left.”
“I did.”
He turns his head to peer over his shoulder. “Why?”
“You fucking first, asshole. I never told you where I was staying. How. Did. You. Find. Me?”
“Let’s just say, I know a guy.”
Great. He’s being cryptic now.
“You know you didn’t actually answer the question, right?” I pause to give him another chance but he remains silent. “If you’re not going to answer that one, then answer this. What are you doing here?”
He turns to face me, his face no longer covered in sadness. I can’t quite tell if he’s just hiding it or if it’s really gone.
“Why didn’t you wait for me?” he asks and it does nothing to tamper my growing irritation.
“Stop answering questions with questions.” I counter. “Answer mine and I’ll answer yours. That’s the deal.”
“I came to get the divorce papers signed.” He huffs out an exhausted breath. Me too buddy. “Now, it’s your turn. Why didn’t you wait for me?”
“Maybe, I’m just tired of waiting for you.” The words fall out of my mouth so easily and I’m suddenly aware that I finally have words to go with what I’ve been feeling for so fucking long.
The expression on his face morphs again, into something resembling shock and maybe a little pain but while I didn’t plan to say it, I’m glad I did.
There are parts of me that wish I could keep my cool.
Remain firm and stand my ground. Show him how much I hate him and how over him I truly am.
But it’s all a fucking lie, And there’s no denying that admitting something I’ve tried so hard to suppress feels amazing.
It is the truth, after all. I waited. And waited. And then waited some more, never allowing anyone else to get too close… not even Demetria. I waited for him to come back for me. For him to tell me this was all some big misunderstanding.
Was I really supposed to wait again? To what? Watch him fuck around with the woman I love? I don’t fucking think so.
“Raegan…” Hearing him say my name, so soft and tenderly and… loving, makes my head spin and forces me to squeeze my eyes shut. When I finally feel like I can open them, he’s right fucking there. Close enough that I have to crane my neck to meet those baby blues of his.
“I’m sorry.”
Two words I never thought I’d hear. Even now, I’m not sure what to do with them.
The tips of my ears burn with rage as I come back to planet earth and remember what I’ve been through and what I came here to do.
“You’re sorry?” I ask, lifting a questioning brow.
“Really fucking sorry. I didn’t want to lose you, but it was all so… complicated.”
My heart pounds aggressively against my ribcage. Red paints the insides of my eyelids as literal smoke threatens to billow from my ears. Lose me? What the actual fuck?
“You’re really going to stand there and tell me it’s complicated?” My hands find his chest and I shove against him as hard as I can. “That you didn’t want to lose me?” Shove. “Fucking lose me?” Shove.
“Raegan, take a breath.”
“I will not be doing that or anything else you feel the need to order me to do.”
“Okay,” he mutters, raising both arms in surrender. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that,” I shout, pointing at him for added effect. My body is vibrating with more anger each time he speaks with his perfect, dumb mouth. “You don’t get to apologize after twenty fucking years.”
“Rae–”
“No!” A lump forms in my throat as I shout the word at him. I need him to stop. I need these rampant emotions swirling in my head to fucking stop before I…
The tears fall before I can stop them. They fall hard and fast. Each one is agonizingly heavier than the last. My shoulders start to shake and my chest heaves as mere tears transition into a silent sob.
“You didn’t lose me, Hayes,” I choke out between ragged breaths. “You fucking left me.”