Chapter 21 Demi
Demi
Atwinge of what feels like a cramp flits through my lower abdomen, signaling my period is imminent.
Great.
I just need it to hold off until tomorrow so I can ride out my misery in peace.
It might explain why my brain is a swirl of emotions, though.
Like someone took a bowl of thirty-two of the most confusing ones and mixed them together like some fucked up version of emotional superman ice cream.
Then tossed it into my head and flashed the peace sign before disappearing, leaving me to sort it all out like I’m just supposed to know what to do with it all.
Fuck. Now I want ice cream. Superman ice cream. Why? Because it’s the best.
I’m camped in my car, letting my thoughts marinate, trying to make sense of everything that’s transpired since the fateful day I ran into the hottest man alive in the fucking men’s room of all places. Then I had to go and fuck him. And now, I think I’ve caught feelings.
Feelings I don’t know what to make of. Feelings I shouldn’t be feeling because he has a wife and even though they’re signing papers to fix that, wanting him doesn’t sit right with me.
Then there’s the issue of his wife.
I had every intention of telling her to fuck off when she invited me to the aquarium to talk.
Then I saw her sitting on that bench like a lost little emo puppy.
In the four months we were together, I’d never seen her like that.
Her shoulders were slumped and she was fidgeting with her hands, staring at the ground like it was going to do something. She looked… broken.
Then she had to go and tell me she loves me in the dolphin tunnel. I admittedly didn’t handle it that well, but what was I supposed to say? I love her, too?
I can’t tell her that.
Not because it’s not true. My feelings don’t matter. All they’d do is make things more complicated than they already are.
All things considered, I think I held my ground pretty well. I wasn’t the bitch I intended to be when I walked in, but I didn’t let her off the proverbial hook, either.
I almost gave in and let myself fall into her when she grabbed my hand, but I saw Hayes’ face in my head when I considered it and chickened out.
I thought about it another five or six times while we finished our walk through the rest of the exhibits in near silence.
Then one last time as we parted ways with one of the most lame and awkward handshakes we could muster.
Like neither of us could bear to touch more of each other.
She did get one thing right, though. I do need something Hayes can provide.
My cheeks puff out, filling with air I’m nervous to release as I step out of my car and walk to the employee entrance of Gravity.
I’ll definitely deserve some Superman ice cream after this.
As I reach the top of the stairs to get to the offices, the door next to Hayes’ swings open and out pops Wrinley holding her heels and swiping her thumb across her lower lip to fix a very obvious lipstick smudge. I should tell her she missed, right? Nope. Not my problem.
“Demi!” she shouts when she sees me. “Here for Hayes, I presume?”
“No… I–”
“Don’t bother. I already know more than you probably want me to.” She rights her dress, pulling it down further over her ass and glancing over her shoulder at the door she just fell through. “My husband sees and hears everything. It’s annoying as fuck to be married to that psycho sometimes.”
“I fucking heard that,” a voice bellows from the other side of the door. “Try closing the door all the way next time, trainwreck.”
“I wasn’t trying to hide it… husband.” she quips back and I raise a brow, unsure of what I’m witnessing.
“Ignore him. He’s being a dick today and he knows it.
Unfortunately–or not, if you’re my vagina–he likes to prove whatever point he’s trying to make by aggressively debasing me and hate fucking me into next weekend.
” She leans in and whispers, “Sometimes, I argue with him on purpose, just so he’ll do it, but don’t tell him that. ”
The office door flies open and her scary as fuck husband stomps out wearing nothing but black jeans and black combat boots. “Wrinley!” His tone is firm and unyielding, and her name is all he needs to say for her eyes to open wide and her spine to straighten.
“Demi. I have to go before my husband hauls me back in there and does something we’ll both regret… or not.” She shoots me a wink and struts past me. As she descends the stairs, she shouts over her shoulder, “I put my number in your phone at the wedding. Call me and we can chat about your things.”
I turn my head back to Axel. “Hayes is waiting for you in his office.”
And then he’s gone.
“Thanks, I guess.” I mumble to myself.
Grabbing the handle, I press it down and push the door open to find Hayes leaning back, head resting against the back of his chair, feet kicked up on his desk. His eyes are closed and he’s so still, he has to be sleeping.
“Took you long enough.”
Okay, so not sleeping. I’m slightly creeped out that he can sit so still. “Wait… how did you kn–”
“Axel texted me while you were out there conspiring with Wrinley.”
“We weren’t–”
His eyes pop open and he drops his feet to sit up. His hair is mussed like he’s been obsessively running his fingers through it. Like he does so often… especially when he’s stressed or thinking too hard. He’s definitely got a lot to think about. We all do.
“It’s fine, Demi.” He nods toward the couch along his wall for me to sit. “Have a seat.”
I do as he directs and he follows me, positioning himself opposite me. His familiar scent of leather and a woodsy spice hits my nose and promptly makes its way straight to my core. I’m pretty sure there’s a hint of jasmine in there as well. It’s making my head spin.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to your text,” I say quietly. I’m not sure how this is supposed to go. “I was okay, but I needed time to think.”
He nods. “As long as you were–are–okay, that’s all I care about.”
I clear my throat. My heart is pounding as I try to form coherent thoughts. “For the sake of transparency, I should tell you… I was okay. I’m not so sure I still am.”
Worry washes over his face as he waits for me to continue.
“I–uh… I don’t know how to say this without making things more confusing,” I tell him not so confidently.
He leans into me, reaching out for my hand. Without even the tiniest bit of thought, I give it to him. Damnit, what is it with everyone and all the hand holding lately?
His touch makes my heart flutter and force a deep centering breath so I’m better equipped to ignore whatever it is he has me feeling, or at least shove it down, burying it deep where it’ll be lost forever. It’s what any logical and sane person would do in my situation.
“Whatever it is, just tell me, Demi. It can’t be that bad. Even if it is, we should talk about it so we can fix it.”
Okay. Why does he have to be so perfect about this? He doesn’t even know what I’m about to say? This understanding and caring side of him is fucking irritating right now. At least if he were a dick…
“I need you to hear me out, Hayes.” He nods, squeezing my hand for extra reassurance. I glance down at our entangled fingers. His hand engulfs mine and I’ve never considered myself to be a hand girlie but everything about the muscles and veins in his is doing it for me.
Get your shit together, Demi.
“I think you’re still in love with your wife and she’s still in love with you.”
“Demi–”
I raise my free hand to stop him from denying it. “Hayes… it’s fucking obvious just in the way you look at each other. Anyone with eyes can see it. What happened twenty years ago?”
He pulls his hand away and crosses his arms defensively. “It’s complicated.”
“Don’t give me that complicated bullshit,” I scoff. “You told me about the accident, but I also know the way you talked about her that morning at the diner. Those weren’t the words of someone that stopped loving his wife. Tell me what happened. I need to know.”
“Why? Why do you need to know so badly?” he asks, brows furrowed like it’s paining him just to talk about this.
“Because–” I can’t stop myself from hesitating.
This is a risk. Telling him the truth is going to change things between us.
But I can’t expect honesty from him if I’m not willing to give it.
“I have feelings for you. And I’m also pretty confident I still have feelings for Raegan.
I guess you didn’t fuck me hard enough the night of the wedding to get her out of my system after all. ”
His head tilts slightly to the side as he glares at me with just his peripheral vision. It’s also possible he just growled. That’s… not helping.
“Not funny,” he chastises. “You and I both know what I did to you that night was life changing.”
He’s not lying. I’ve never wanted a man until he came along and what we did… was enough to make me consider switching teams. Until she came back and now I’m more confused than ever. Except I’m not.
“Sorry.” I chuckle softly. “Humor is my favorite way to deal with uncomfortable things. And this conversation really takes the uncomfortable cake.”
Hayes stands quickly and begins to pace his office, end to end. It’s not the biggest office I’ve ever seen, but it’s not small either. And he’s just got a desk with some chairs and this couch occupying space, so he has plenty of room to wear out the carpet with his movement.
He’s across the room and staring at the wall when he says, “My mom died giving birth to me.”
Holy shit. I stand and begin to move slowly toward him, pausing after only a few steps. “Hayes–”
“My father blamed me for her death,” he continues, his voice more despondent with each word and my feet freeze in place while I wait for him to continue.
He spends the next fifteen minutes telling me how his father would scream and yell at him for every little thing growing up.
How he’d use his hands to punish him for things that weren’t his fault or completely out of his control.
How he’d use his mother’s death against him, telling him he’d never be able to keep a woman safe.
How he couldn’t even save his own mother.
And finally, how he heard his father’s voice in his head the night Raegan got hurt, when he panicked, knowing in his heart that leaving was the only way he could save her… from him.
Fucking hell.
I’m standing at his back now, wishing I could see his face when I tell him, “It’s not your fault your mom died, Hayes. You have to know that.”
His shoulders are hunched, his gaze directed at the floor with one hand pressed against the wall like it’s all that’s keeping him upright.
“I know,” he mutters quietly and the despair lacing his tone has me wishing I could help him more than I am.
“Most of the time, I know that. I moved out at seventeen and moved in with Ryker. His parents made me see a therapist for a little while. I learned some ways to keep his voice out of my head so I could move forward. But that night… it all came flooding back. Louder than ever.”
I dip under his extended arm and slide in front of his chest between him and the wall. Thankfully, I’m shorter than he is, so he doesn’t have to adjust his gaze much to meet mine.
His expression is pained. “I didn’t know what else to do.”
Both hands land against his freshly pressed black dress shirt. “Hayes, you have to tell her.”
“What difference does it make now? We’re getting divorced. I have the papers over there to prove it. It’s too late, Demi.”
“It’s not too late until they’re signed. And even then, you could still be together.” I close my eyes and let out a slow breath. “She has a right to know why you left. Let her make a decision… with all the information this time.”
“What about you?” he asks. His face is so close to mine now, it wouldn’t take much movement on my part to kiss him. “You said you’re still in love with her.”
I clear my throat and avert my eyes to avoid the rejection I’m sure is coming. “I believe what I said was that I have feelings for you both.”
His free hand moves to my chin and he directs my gaze slowly back to his with his thumb and forefinger. “What am I supposed to do with that information, Demi?”
“I don’t matter. I won’t get in the way of you two having what you both really want.”