Chapter 40 Raegan
Raegan
“Jesus, Angel,” Hayes grumbles as he shuffles through the door of his place, hefting the last box of my things. “What could you possibly have that weighs this much?”
He sets the box on top of a few others, then wipes the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.
I suggested we hire movers to bring my stuff and the little bit that Demetria has, but he insisted on doing it ourselves.
And by doing it ourselves, I actually mean himself.
My gut tells me he’s feeling guilty and doing it all himself is his way of punishing himself for the last twenty years.
The thing is… I know he feels bad. I know he wants to make this work, with all three of us.
The reality is… it’s going to take some time.
Every one of us has emotional wounds that need more than just a little TLC if we’re going to get to where we want to be.
Demetria is the only genuinely innocent party in all of this. I hurt her because he hurt me. And then there's that lingering little nugget of unethical behaviour I have to come to terms with–somehow.
She’s lingering in the corner, her arms folded across her chest, biting her nails like she wants to say something. Her energy has been slightly off since we left Kansas City and I can’t quite put my finger on why.
“Oh, that box? That would be shoes. Well… shoes and boots,” I finally answer, extending my arms to take it from him. “I can take it.”
“No.” His tone is absolute and I’m not sure I love it. “I’ll do it.”
“Hayes–”
“It’s fine. I can handle it.”
He moves swiftly past me and into the primary bedroom to find the box a home before resuming the manual torture he seems insistent on inflicting upon himself. With each passing box carried and moved, my gaze turns to Demetria, silently pleading with her for some help here.
She lifts her hands in surrender. “If you think I have any power here, you’re wrong.”
Jesus. Between the two of them, it’s like I’m caught in the middle of some kind of awkward sandwich. We were fine and something shifted. The energy between us is fucking weird and I hate it.
As soon as he places the final box in its designated place, I stop him from going back outside with a hand on his arm. “What is going on with you?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Don’t make me remind you what fine actually means.
I’m not an idiot. You’ve been weird since we got back.
” My gaze shifts to Demetria. “So have you. Everything’s been off and we need to sit down and fix it before things get worse.
I just got you both back. I’d rather not lose you again so fast. Never, if I’m being honest.”
“Jesus, Raegan,” Hayes scoffs, running a hand lazily through his messy waves. “Moving you both in here is just a lot of work. It’ll be fi–better–once it’s all done.”
“I tried to tell you to hire movers. It’s not like there’s not enough money for that. There’s literally no need to put your old ass through all this.”
Demetria snickers.
“Hey now. I’m only three years older than you.”
“Older is older,” I joke. Something tells me if the mood doesn’t lighten, I’ll lose this discussion.
I move to the couch and once I’m seated, I pat each side of me, inviting them both to join me. Demetria is sitting next to me within seconds, but Hayes takes a little longer. Eventually he joins us. I place a hand on each of their thighs and rub small circles with my thumb.
My heart is pumping a little harder than usual, so I make an effort to slow my breathing and chill myself the fuck out. I need to access therapist Raegan so we can get to the bottom of this.
I let out a frustrated sigh. “If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other. Something isn’t right and we need to address it. As a throuple.”
“Throuple?” Demetria asks, one eyebrow raised.
“If a couple is two, a throuple is three,” Hayes interjects.
“As I was saying… Demetria, you’ve been more quiet than usual and I’m very curious what’s going on in your head.
” My head turns so I can talk to Hayes again.
“And you… you refuse to let me lift a finger for my own fucking move. Not a big deal, except you keep refusing to hire help and you’re fucking miserable.
It’s literally written all over your face. ”
Their answered silence has to be the loudest I’ve ever heard.
“I’m just not sure how I fit in,” Demetria mutters, finally breaking. “You’re both basically Dominants in my eyes and I’m definitely not. Everything has happened so fast. I want to be with you both… I just don’t know how I’m supposed to act or be.”
“I won’t speak for him, but I see us all as equal parties in this relationship, meaning you have a say in how things go. I’m still going to own all of you when it comes to that, but that’s not all we are.”
“You can speak for me,” Hayes states matter-of-factly. “I can be a control freak, in general, but I don’t have the patience for anything outside of that. My dominance stays in the bedroom, for the most part.”
Demetria and I both shoot him a look that says, ‘yeah, right.”
“Okay. Maybe there would be some other situations that would call for it, but I can’t think of any right now. I’ll let you know when they come up.”
“Does this help, Demetria?” I ask her curiously.
She quickly nods. “Yeah. It may take me a bit, but I’ll get there. Between you two and my dad, a lot has happened and I’m honestly still processing it all.”
“Promise me you’ll talk to us when you need to instead of holding it in?” I ask her.
“I promise I’ll try.” Such a stubborn little thing. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. She’s always been a little bit tough when it comes to getting to the emotional stuff.
My mind wanders for the briefest moment to the last time I had to push her like this. When she was my patient and – Nope. Not going there right now. This is about them. Not me.
I turn to my ex-husband once again. “Now it’s your turn.”
His eyes roll slightly as he huffs out, “Seriously, Raegan. Everything is okay. I prom–”
“Tie me up,” I blurt out before he can get out more of his empty words.
“Excuse me?”
I jump up from the couch and run quickly to the bedroom to find just what I need to drive my point home.
Once I’ve returned, I present the hank of red rope, dropping it in his lap and extending both arms. I already know how this is going to go.
I just need him to see he’s not as fine as he thinks he is.
“I want you to take that rope and tie… me… up. Specifically, my wrists.”
“I’m not fucking doing that,” he scoffs, turning his head like he’s irritated at the thought of it.
“Yes. You. Are.” I demand.
Hayes stands, towering over me and resuming his command of me and the space we’re in. Fuck that. “No. This is stupid.”
“You’re stupid,” I spit out. That came out wrong and slightly more childish than I meant it.
But he’s trying to manipulate the situation to suit what makes him comfortable and I’m not going to put up with it.
This ends tonight. “I knew you wouldn’t do it.
You’re too afraid to hurt me like you did back then. ”
His posture relaxes. “How are you okay with all of this? After all this time? You should still hate me.”
“I have news for you, Hayes. Accidents fucking happen. And that’s exactly what happened back then.
It was a fucking accident that happened between two inexperienced, horny newlyweds.
That’s all. We both know better now, unless I’m wrong and you’re just out there putting people at risk all willy-nilly. Am I wrong?”
“Jesus Christ. No.” His chest heaves with a slow sigh. “But I left you. How can you just let that go?”
“I’ll tell you a secret. I haven’t let it go yet.
I’m still mad you didn’t talk to me like a normal human, so we could work out our shit.
” I step into him and reach a hand out for Demetria to take, pulling her into us.
“But also… I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been carrying your fathers callous words in your head all this time.
And I have to at least acknowledge that our time apart, brought us this beautiful soul.
We likely wouldn’t have her if none of that had happened.
It’s going to take me some time to really get past my own trauma surrounding what happened, but I’ll work through it. We’ll work through it… together.”
Demetria squeezes us both into a tight embrace. “I’m so glad mommy and daddy finally made up. Shit was way weird.”
Hayes slaps her ass playfully, then asks me, “So, now that you’re done psychoanalyzing us, which you’re very good at–by the way–what’s next? And please don’t say the words willy or nilly ever again.”
“I have an idea to finally get us past this awkwardness, actually. But first, I need to know… do you trust me?”