Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty- Three
Dave
W e said our thank-yous and goodbyes. I put Nicole into her car seat without waking her up. A month ago I couldn’t have imagined doing that, but it wasn’t even hard .
It turns out that holding on to your child wasn’t that difficult. Holding on to your moody woman, on the other hand, was a little tougher. Tonight I could feel all Zara’s barriers going up again. When Griff Shipley’s sister had asked when I was leaving for New York, Zara had put on the bullet-proof mask that I used to know so well, and she hadn’t taken it off again all evening .
The ride back to The Gin Mill parking lot was a quiet one. We were both lost in our own worries, I guess. But that was the problem. We’d never had the chance to talk to each other like a real couple, and I’d never done that with anyone in my whole life .
On the ice, when my teammates and I were struggling in a scrimmage, Coach Worthington would yell, “Talk it out, men! I can’t hear you.” And I knew what to say in that kind of situation—how to save my teammate’s ass when a competitor was bearing down on him .
I just didn’t know what to say to a prickly girl who was too used to getting by on her own .
“Baby,” I tried, as we sat there listening to the engine cool. “I printed out my fall schedule .”
“Sorry?” She turned to me, surprised .
“My game schedule. I printed it out at the copy shop so we could try to figure out when I’m going to see you again. We can look at it after we put the baby to bed .”
Zara bit her lip. “Dave, you have twelve games in October and ten in November. Then fifteen in December. All over the fricking country. How is that even possible ?”
I blinked as this little explosion of words hung between us for a second. “You looked at it already ?”
“Of course I looked,” she grumbled, bumping her head back against the headrest. “I know you have to go, Dave. It means a lot to me that you want to see us. But it isn’t going to be easy .”
“I do have to go,” I said slowly. “For a lot of reasons .”
“You don’t have to explain .”
“But what if I want to ?”
She swallowed. “Okay. Go ahead .”
“There’s a lot of people depending on me. And they pay me a shit ton to show up and stay sharp .”
“Your whole life is there. Your career. I get it. Vermont is just a vacation for you .”
I reached across the gear box and took her hand. “It’s more than that, prickly girl. I love you .”
Zara’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to say that .”
“I know I don’t have to.” It came out sounding almost angry. But, damn. She was never going to let me in if I didn’t kick down the door. “I didn’t say it out of obligation. And I’ve never said it to anyone before, unless we’re counting my sister. So don’t throw it back in my face when I tell you I love you and I wish I could wake up in your bed every day .”
Zara put her elbow on the passenger door, then rested her cheek in her hand. But the fingers of her other hand curled around mine. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I find it hard to trust you .”
“Okay.” I snorted. “I’ll try not to take it personally .”
“You didn’t choose this. You didn’t choose me.” Her lovely, proud chin turned in my direction again. “Let’s face it—your vacation fling got a little complicated. But I refuse to be that girl who tries to pin you down. Been there. Have the T-shirt and the scars .”
“Nobody’s pinning me down. Unless you want to ride me when we go upstairs.” She gave me a glare, and I had to chuckle. “That was just a little joke to shake you loose.” I picked up her hand and shook it gently. “If you don’t love me, you can say so. But don’t make me out to be a guy who can’t figure out what’s important. I’m a slow learner, but I’m not an asshole , Z .”
She sighed. “I don’t know what to think. You have to leave, and I have to stay here .”
“For the record, if you ever wanted to spend some time in Brooklyn, I have a sweet apartment.” It was a long shot, but I didn’t want her to think she wasn’t welcome there .
“Can’t,” she said simply. “I have a business to run. I can’t bail on Audrey. I lease space from Alec. My whole family is here. I can’t just fritter off to New York because you’re a lot of fun .”
“At least you’ll admit that I’m fun,” I said, squeezing her hand. “It’s a start. If I’m lucky, you might even admit you like me a little .”
“I do like you. A whole lot,” she added grudgingly. “But I have obligations, and I can’t run off on a wild hair. I have to protect my child .”
And myself . She didn’t add those words, but I heard ’em anyway .
Clearly I was going to have to wait her out .
* * *
A half an hour later, I carried two glasses of wine out onto the condo’s balcony. This arrangement was my suggestion. There weren’t many summer nights left for me, and I wanted to sit under the stars with Zara. She followed me out, sliding the screen door closed behind her and setting the baby monitor down on the deck boards .
I sat down on the only piece of furniture, which was a giant metal lounge chair—wide enough for two people. The cushion on it had clearly seen better days, but I didn’t care. We could hear the river in front of us, and the gentle sounds of conversation rising up from the bar down below us .
“This is a great spot,” I said, moving over. “Sit down, prickly girl. Drink some wine with me and stop worrying. I can practically hear your gears turning in there .”
She gave me a sheepish smile. “I was just wondering why Benito still has this weird chair. He used to keep it in the woods behind the trailer where we lived in high school .”
“Huh,” I said, taking a sip of my cabernet. “Maybe it was his hookup spot. Good thing it’s dark so we can’t see the stains .”
“Ew, no.” Zara laughed. “I think he used to just sit out there and think. We Rossis are a brooding bunch .”
“I noticed that.” I put an arm around her shoulders. “But maybe he only kept this thing because it’s comfortable .”
She tucked herself in beside me and took a sip of her wine. “All right. Point taken. This is a nice spot .”
“Hey—do you own furniture?” I asked her, wondering about all those empty rooms in the Tudor we now owned .
“I’ll be fine .”
“Zara,” I said, dropping my voice. “I asked you a question, and that’s not an answer .”
“It’s a reflex,” she said grumpily. “I don’t like to complain. No, I don’t have furniture. Not for adults, anyway. Nicole is all set, though. Her crib is the kind that will convert to a toddler bed later, and she has a dresser and a rocking chair. I’ll buy a mattress for myself next week. And that’s really all we need for now. I’ll work on getting some living room furniture this fall .”
“Don’t suppose you’d let me help you with that …”
“Nope,” she said quickly. “A girl’s got to pick her own furniture .”
“Right.” I smiled into the darkness. “But if I manage to get up here to visit you this fall, we’re gonna need a nice big bed. King size. And a couch in the living room and maybe another one in front of that fireplace off the kitchen, so if I visit in the winter we can sit there in front of the fire and watch it snow outside.” I gave her a little nudge. “Am I allowed to assume you’ll open the door if I visit ?”
“You know I will.” She sighed. “But I was serious when I said you need to do some thinking before you do more planning .”
“I will. And I’m not dumb enough to get between a girl and her furniture. But you’re going to need a bed frame and whatever else goes in a bedroom. Oh—and stools for that counter in the kitchen so I have somewhere to park my ass while we’re making dinner.” I was on a roll. “And a table. I forgot the table and chairs. I have to eat during my visits. When I’m not playing with Nicole or fucking you right into that king-sized mattress .”
“That all sounds nice,” she said, “especially that last part. But it sounds like you’re angling for a long-distance relationship. And this from a guy who said he’d never had a relationship? What if you hate it? What if you realize that once a month isn’t enough exercise in that king- sized bed ?”
“Doesn’t matter.” I rubbed her palm with mine. “The minute I leave Vermont, I’ll be thinking dirty thoughts about you in Brooklyn. Lying in bed, stroking myself, wondering when you’re going to come and visit me .”
“That’s just the horny talking .”
“Yes and no,” I said truthfully. “You bring out a different kind of horny in me—the kind that wants to buy furniture as well as fuck on it. The kind that would rather be a patient man. Because you’re worth it, honey .”
She went still beside me. “That’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me .”
“Well, I meant it. I’ve been single a long time. And it’s not because I need to have a lot of casual sex with strangers. It’s because I didn’t know I could be part of something better.” I was laying it on pretty thick. But I meant every word. And I’d rather say these things in person, even if Zara wasn’t quite ready to believe me .
“You have to remember how it looks from where I sit,” she whispered. “One time I asked you if you had a family—because I was really hoping I wasn’t unwittingly half of an affair. You said ‘Fuck no. Never have been and never will be.’ So forgive me for being a little skeptical now .”
Beside her, I flinched. “Yeah. Not the most encouraging attitude, right ?”
“ No .”
Well, shit. I’d already given Zara every reason to think I’d leave her. Not only had I done so for two years, but I’d sworn up and down that I was a no-strings guy. There was no way I could take all that back. My only move was to show her I meant business. And that meant going back to Brooklyn without any promises from her .
“Still love you,” I said quietly. “It’s just that I’m like those green pears you brought Audrey. You had to pick me before I was ripe .”
Zara actually choked on the sip of wine she had been trying to take. One hand over her mouth, she started to sputter. And then to laugh .
I whacked her on the back. “Breathe, gorgeous. It wasn’t that funny .”
“It was…too,” she gasped .
“I’m a slow learner, that’s all .”
Zara clutched her wineglass and giggled, and I had to kiss her to calm her down .