Chapter 5 #2
I climbed in, struggling to keep the boots on. “Where’s your coat?”
He bent to guide my foot in and hold the dangling boot so it didn’t fall on the ice-cold floor. “In the back seat.”
I glanced back as he loaded my belongings. The tan material of a work coat was on the back seat. A hat and gloves were probably under the jacket. He’d have a true winter survival kit under the seat.
When he got behind the wheel, the cab shrank around us. His fresh-cut-pine smell wrapped around me. So different from Boyd.
I was returning to the real world. This respite wasn’t my life.
Mama’s house was welcoming and cozy, and I could have private time, but not like the cabin.
I didn’t have to hide in a room to get peace.
Jonah could be on the couch with me, watching a show with a stoic expression that didn’t reveal if he was enjoying the movie or not, and I didn’t feel crowded.
I didn’t feel like everyone was in my business.
He backed out of the garage and I squinted. With the sun high in the sky, the snow glare was blinding. I put the shade down but my eyes started to water. Had I been in Bozeman so long I’d forgotten how piercingly white the country got after a snowfall?
How was Jonah driving? Lines winged out from the corners of his narrowed eyes. No sunglasses for him. My pair was in my car, which was at Mama’s, thanks to my brothers.
I wouldn’t have to go back to Bozeman until it was time to return to work. “It’s going to be weird.”
He concentrated on the freshly cleared road. “What is?”
“Going back to an empty condo.” I lived alone, but for the first time in a long time, there was no one to make plans with. No friends. No fiancé. And most of my family was in Bourbon Canyon. “I was with Boyd for two years but it feels like so much longer.”
“One he can’t get into?” This time, he spared me a glance, menace in his eyes.
“No. He never had a key. And he never wanted to hang out there when he had an obnoxious milk box house.”
“Milk box house?”
“A new-age build that looks like he cut a flap in the middle of a milk box and stuffed a smaller milk box inside.” I’d never told Boyd I thought his place was ugly.
The regret was strong. I had pushed to sell and buy a different house after the honeymoon.
“Anyway, I keep expecting things to be different but they won’t be, really.
He hardly came to Bourbon Canyon with me to visit my family.
He worked long hours. Our dates were mostly his work dinners and they were so boring. ”
“What would you have rather done?”
I stared out the window, closing my left eye because it was still fucking bright. “Talked. You know how you sit at a bar and just get to know each other?” I turned my head in time to see a muscle flex in the corner of his jaw. Shit. Right. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not a bar guy.”
He used to be. He hadn’t been a barfly, but he and Teller, and sometimes Tenor and Tate, would be out at night as much as they had been during the day.
Jonah used to do tastings with Daddy and my brothers.
I’d been jealous when they’d become a guys’ night.
Mostly, they’d been outdoorsy guys, but Teller and Jonah used to be seen around town all the time.
“You and Boyd didn’t talk?” He lifted a brow, but that pop in his jaw was still there.
“We didn’t—I mean—it wasn’t— The sex was boring.” Oh my god. I’d said that. Those words had gone out of my mouth into Jonah’s ears. I hadn’t even confessed to my sisters that Boyd was lackluster.
Jonah stopped by a larger county road that would skim the edges of town before heading back out of city limits to Bailey land. “A milk box house and boring sex? Jesus, sunshine. You know you deserve better than that.”
The nickname rolled off his tongue again. He’d never had a pet name for me when we were younger. It would’ve been inappropriate, considering I’d been dating his brother, but whenever he said it, I preened. We were different than we had been. Maybe things between us could be different too.
“I think I just wanted to be married. To get on with the family life. Wynter’s doing it and she’s six years younger than me.”
The brow ticked up again, but he remained quiet.
Why did all my embarrassing admissions slip out around him? He already thought me annoying and had spoken as if he hated me. We were at rock bottom. Maybe that was why I’d left with him. I had nowhere to go but up.
I didn’t have to be the oldest and wisest sister. I didn’t need to be the perfect girlfriend. I wasn’t the nepotism baby trying to prove she was a boss bitch at work. With Jonah, I was just flawed Summer Kerrigan.
We were still sitting at the intersection, so I kept talking. “So, anyway, after Daddy’s illness and death, Wynter’s wedding and the baby, and then my wedding, I’m going to return to Bozeman and just . . . be.” Did I know how?
His narrowed stare was directed at the windshield. “Promise me one thing, Summer.”
I owed him so much the answer was easy. “What?”
“Take every day of your honeymoon. Stay with your mom and learn how to just be so you don’t let any more Boyds into your life.”
I smiled, warmed inside that he was thinking of my well-being. Except staying at Mama’s with nothing to do but chores while people sidestepped around me was like a cheese grater to the skin. “I’ll make you a deal.”
Humor lit his gaze, but the hardness didn’t soften. “You can try.”
“I’ll stay with Mama for the duration of my honeymoon and work remotely. I need to preserve my sanity, and I really do enjoy my job.”
“Good enough.” He didn’t make a move to turn and continue driving to Mama’s. “Eli would’ve wanted you happy.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.
My throat grew thick. Eli would’ve wanted me happy if he’d known he was going to die. If he hadn’t gotten drunk that day, who knew where life would’ve taken us. “I had to move on.”
“I know.” He nodded and his Adam’s apple worked up and down. “I know he was just really happy with you. It’d have gutted him to see you with a guy like Boyd.”
My mouth went dry. I tried licking my lips. “Yeah. It’d have gutted him,” I said hoarsely. “But we were just kids. People grow and change. It was young love. Puppy love.”
Jonah’s brows crashed together. “He was head over heels for you.”
Eli had been. He’d been fun in high school, but he’d gotten smothering when we’d started college. “Didn’t mean I was his happily ever after.”
Jonah shook his head. “Good thing he died not knowing different.”
I made a choking sound.
Jonah grimaced. “Shit, I’m getting all morbid. I just . . . think about him a lot.”
“He idolized you.” Eli had one major flaw and that was basing his identity on others.
“Yeah, he did. That’s why he was in my cabin, drinking my bourbon. He’d seen me and Teller solve all of life’s problems over a glass and he thought he’d do the same. I just wish I’d known what was bothering him.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I hadn’t told anyone about that day.
The outcome was bad enough. The details would make a hard time even harder.
“I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be too hard on yourself.
Eli had his own mind. He had his own feelings and his own reactions.
We can’t . . . We can’t take responsibility for what he did.
” My chest tightened and my breathing turned shallow.
Easier said than done was right.
Jonah was shaking his head, his jaw cut from granite.
I put my hand on his arm, only my fingers sticking out of the long sleeve of the coat. “I know. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. He wouldn’t have wanted that.” When I pulled my arm away, my hand disappeared in the material.
His gaze flicked down to where I had touched him through his sweatshirt. “If anyone knows what he would have wanted, it’s you.”
My nod was shaky. I had known what Eli wanted, and I’d known what I wanted. Neither of us had gotten it.
I lifted my sleeve, striving to change the subject. Once again, I was a chicken and taking an out when I saw it. “When we get to Mama’s, I’ll change and give these back to you before you leave.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not skiing anytime soon.” The echo of loss was louder than any humor in his voice.
He let off the brake and pulled onto the highway.
I was tempted to tell him to turn back. I’d run away from my wedding, but I wasn’t ready to return to my life.
But after the last few minutes, if I stayed with Jonah, I’d only be reminded of another time I’d fled my problems and let more than myself down.