17 back to school #2
Did they date? I cannot imagine her dating a jock of any kind, let alone an alpha. That’s too much swagger for a single relationship.
As I slip into the bathroom and take a piss, I remind myself to ask her about it later, and make sure Caleb isn’t suspicious of me.
Thankfully he’s moved into his room by the time I get back, even though his door is ajar. I shut my door behind me and lock it, thankful for a reprieve from the sensory overload and paranoia. After putting my stuff away and throwing some worn-out sheets on the bed, I lie down on my back.
I’m fucking tingling with stress and anxiety.
My breathing is fast. Every single noise from the hallway—which are all louder now, thank you fucking omega genes—makes me jump.
I try to focus on the positives and make a plan for how this is going to work, but I’m already nervous that I’m going to be permanently on edge for the rest of the year.
I could always spend more time at Alyssa’s, probably. She’d understand. She told me I didn’t have to go back to the dorms if I didn’t want to. I refused, because it seems wild not to use a room I pay for and keep just imposing on her instead, but she seemed sure.
There’s a crash from the hallway, maybe fifty feet away, that makes me sit up and focus. The acrid scent of anger seeps into my room just as I hear voices.
Someone’s fighting. My body is on fucking edge, ready to flee.
I can’t do this. I feel sick. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being afraid of every little thing, but right now, “facing” my fate feels like way too fucking much.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like a giant baby for already wanting to leave. It’s embarrassing. But this is so much worse than I expected.
I pull out my phone out of habit, twirling it in my fingers. There’s a notification on the screen with a message from Gray, so I look down.
SassyPants Alpha Man fine you can answer
Good luck today. I know it’ll be hard, but it’ll all work out in the end.
I smirk a little, even through my lingering panic. He’s so cheesy.
Without stopping to question myself, I call him. If anyone I know is going to have solid advice right now, it’s probably him.
“Are you alright?”
Of course, he answers the phone in a panic. I roll my eyes, but internally that fluttery sensation is back.
I open my mouth to answer but abruptly realize I don’t know what to say. The pause goes on for long enough that Gray speaks again.
“Tanner? What’s wrong, sweetness?”
Sweetness.
I don’t know when he started calling me that, but I can’t pretend it doesn’t affect me.
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”
I’m a little stuttery, but I don’t want him to keep panicking for no reason. He lets me catch my breath before I continue.
“I’m in the dorms. Nothing happened, but it’s so fucking overwhelming. The scents and the noise is way worse than I expected. I don’t know how I’m going to do this for almost a year.”
Gray blows out a breath, his relief obvious.
“I was hoping it wouldn’t be that bad. I never went to college, so I don’t actually know what it’s like, but if an athlete’s dorm is anything like a barracks, it’s not going to be easy. I’m sorry, Tanner.”
He always seems to know the right thing to say, even though he’s not fixing anything. It’s like him saying it out loud in a way that makes it clear I’m not crazy or overreacting is enough to get my whole body to fucking chill.
I take another deep breath and relax, a little bit at a time.
“I don’t know what to do, Gray. It’s like this one thing happened, and now it’s taking away every piece of my life, one chunk at a time. I can’t be around Dad. Which means I can’t be at home. Now I can’t be at school. I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to survive being on the team.
What do I have left? It’s like I’m fucking drowning and there’s nothing to cling on to.”
He pauses, collecting his thoughts carefully before he speaks, just like he always does.
“I know it’s hard, sweetness. And I wish things were easier for you. But I think you need to stop letting yourself feel like this is your fault. Or like you deserve this somehow. I know you don’t say that, but it’s right there between the lines, whenever you talk about it. The world isn’t fair,
and it’s okay for you to be a little lost because of it, sometimes. It won’t be like this forever. You’ll find your way.”
The bitter, resentful part of myself that I’ve been trying to ignore surges up.
“That’s easy for you to say. You have the whole fucking world at your feet. When has anything not worked out for you, fucking super-hot, Special Forces, king dick alpha?”
It’s mean. It feels mean as I say it, but my adrenaline is still flooding my veins and my hands are starting to shake with the panic setting into my body, and I’m desperate to put this terror fucking anywhere else but myself.
Gray doesn’t raise his voice, though. Of course. The Zen master would never lose his cool.
“Tanner, I can’t pretend that I know what it’s like for you right now but never let yourself get so deep into self-pity that you stop seeing other people’s struggles. Please. I’m forty-six years old, retired from a job that I was good at but has left me with a lifetime’s worth of regrets and shame.
My parents are gone; I never found a mate or even tried. I’m completely fucking unskilled for the real world. I may have the security and respect that’s thrown at alphas for no reason, but you’re not the only one who’s a little lost right now.”
I stay quiet for a minute, letting his words sink in.
“Maybe that’s why we found each other,” I say, almost in a whisper. This is probably the most forthright I’ve ever been with him, and it’s scaring me more than the chaos outside my door is. But he deserves to know.
“Maybe we’re supposed to be lost together.”
Gray doesn’t speak, but I can almost feel it when the words sink into him.
My stupid eyes start to sting like I’m going to start crying again, so I blink it back.
More than anything, I wish he was here next to me right now.
I don’t know when my world came to revolve around this man, but right now, it feels like the only thing in my life that’s working.
“Maybe you’re right. I wish I was there right now, sweetness. But can you do me one favor?”
There’s tension in his tone, even though he’s trying to hide it. I make an affirming noise, waiting to see what he wants.
“Please, please, please go back to Alyssa’s. I know you want to do this on your own, but just the thought of you being there surrounded by those alphas is fucking killing me. I can’t see you, I can’t keep you safe. It’ll drive me insane. At least at Alyssa’s I know you’re protected.”
Another pause, while I let his words sink in.
“I’m begging you, Tanner. If you ever want to do something for me, let it be this one thing.”
I should probably be pissed at him trying to tell me what to do. But really, the gut-deep protectiveness I hear in his voice is making me feel more normal than anything else.
“Okay,” I tell him, hearing him instantly sigh in relief. “I’ll leave. I fucking hate it here, anyway. I’ll go back.”
“Thank you,” Gray says.
It’s a long time before either of us hangs up.