20 i have a plan #2
For the briefest moment, I see something behind his eyes. A thought or emotion that’s too complex to identify, and I wonder where all of this is really coming from.
I know better than to ask, though. He’ll tell me whatever he’s thinking about when he’s ready.
“Why do you think you’re joined at the hip with Alyssa suddenly, anyway?”
he continues. “I know you guys are just friends, but still. You seem like you feel safe with her. You’re more relaxed. I’ve never seen you like that at home, not since we were little. And she’s not physically imposing, but she definitely has the alpha aura thing going on,
like nothing shitty is going to happen on her watch. Looking for the same qualities in a partner only makes sense.”
He takes another sip before going on.
“Besides. It’s just a date. If you don’t like her, you don’t have to see her again. It’s not like I’m working out an arranged marriage.”
He’s right. I should go on a date. I should do things that are “normal”.
But it still feels like a betrayal to Gray, even if I won’t let myself admit why.
“You need someone solid. Sturdy. Emotionally, I mean.”
If there’s anything Gray is, it’s sturdy. Emotionally and physically. The man is a brick wall and the most emotionally stable, consistent person I’ve ever met. Even now, just imagining his steady scent helps me calm down a little.
“You’re such an asshole,” I mutter, focusing on my own drink.
Atlas ignores my deflection, though. He’s in serious brother mode, whether I like it or not.
“I’m not trying to be. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known, underneath all the snark. And you’re the only one of us with the patience to hang around and take care of Dad. It’s not because he’s such a prize. It’s because you’re a good person. I love that about you.
I just wish you’d let yourself accept it and own it, instead of parroting every shitty thing Dad tells you and acting like your fundamental human kindness is some kind of personality defect.”
I have no idea what to say. Atlas and I have always been honest with each other, much more than with our other brothers. We’re close.
We’ve never been this honest, though. I didn’t even know he had this level of introspection in him. He always seemed like more of a go-with-the-flow kind of guy than someone who was going to psychoanalyze me for kicks.
I blow out a breath, searching for a diplomatic answer.
“Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me, Atlas. I appreciate it. But I’m just… I’m not interested in dating right now. It’s not the right time.”
“Why?” he asks, his eyes narrowing as he focuses all his attention on me.
He knows I’m hiding something. He’s just waiting for me to spill.
I fake as much nonchalance as I can and shake my head.
“Just is,” I tell him. “I haven’t even had—” I pause, lowering my voice to a whisper. “I haven’t even had my first heat yet. This shit is weird, and I’m trying to figure it all out.”
Atlas nods, because it makes sense, but the way he’s watching me tells me he knows there’s more to the story.
Thankfully, we both wordlessly agree to drop the subject, and spend the rest of the evening shooting the shit like normal.
I get home late, but not too late, and a little tipsy, collapsing into bed. Alyssa’s out still, and the whole apartment seems too quiet. I could be in the dorms. My room is still there. But I don’t want to.
Instead, I curl up on top of my covers and pull my phone out of my pocket, dangling it between my fingers while I argue with myself about whether or not to talk to Gray.
Less than a minute later, I cave and send him cheesy you up? message.
I’m up. Are you going to tell me why you’re not out on the town, doing crazy college student stuff, on this beautiful Saturday night?
I snort, because only he writes texts like this. Not my dad, not anyone I know. Ridiculous man.
I went out with atlas but we didn’t stay late
Atlas? He’s up there with you? I thought he went back to the Army, although the way Frank told me about it, the whole thing sounded really weird.
yeah that wasn’t true but dad doesn’t know
don’t tell him
Of course. You know I’ll never tell him anything you don’t want me to.
Again, that swoopy, fluttery sensation is back. But it also reminds me of something I’ve been wondering about and haven’t had the guts to mention.
why are you still friends with him ?
you hate everything about him
at least it seems that way
its obvious you think hes an asshole
Truth?
I hesitate. Do I want to know?
yeah truth
There’s a long pause where he’s typing, and then his name appears on the screen. I was staring at it so hard; the vibration makes me jump out of my skin. But it’s still only Gray, so after a moment of hesitation, I answer.
“Hello?”
There’s a pause, but then Gray starts to speak in a serious tone.
“Sorry, what I’m about to say is going to sound weird, and I thought it would seem even weirder over text. You asked me why I’m still friends with Frank, and the honest answer is… you. I saw him when I came home because I didn’t have a lot of friends left,
but I probably would have dropped the whole thing if it weren’t for you. And I know how this sounds, but I promise I don’t mean it in a perverted way, like I’m lurking around you or something, waiting to pounce. But from the second I saw you….”
He pauses, and I almost feel like my heart is frozen in anticipation.
“…you seemed so lost. It hurt me to see you like that, and it’s turned into my mission to just… be there for you.”
Immediately, I bristle. I’m not in the market for his pity.
Gray must be able to feel the mood shift, even though I don’t say anything, because he keeps talking in that soothing tone.
“Sweetness, it’s not like that. I think you’re incredible for a lot of reasons. I also feel like I’m the only one with my fucking eyes open enough to see that, though. Even you don’t realize how special you are.”
“Yeah, special like a C student.” I try to laugh, but it doesn’t land.
“Can I ask you a question? Since we’re being honest.”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you a C student? I’ve spoken to you plenty, I think. And you’re so articulate when you actually let yourself talk. So intelligent. And always reading. So, what’s the deal?”
The words should be there, but they’re not. It takes me a long time to find them.
“I don’t know, to be honest. I was good at high school. Enough that it pissed Dad off. He didn’t want me to go to college, but I was set on it. Then I got here, and everything was so much harder than I expected. Not the actual studying. I can do that. But the rest of it. Organizing my life,
being friendly to people, succeeding on the team. For whatever reason, I felt like I was behind the curve. I spent so much time being stressed about everything, I could never catch up. It’s kind of stupid when you think about it.”
“It’s not,” he murmurs, but I don’t believe him.
There’s a long pause, before I realize I have a burning question for him.
“Are you gay?” I ask him.
There’s a pause, like maybe I caught him off-guard, but he recovers quickly.
“I’ve never really given myself a label, because it’s always been something super private, because of the job I chose. But if I had to pick one I’d probably say bisexual.”
There’s a long pause, where I don’t offer a response, so Gray continues.
“And what about you?”
An age-old, cell-deep fear shoots through me.
“Me? Nothing. I’m straight. I’m normal.”
I wince, because I know I’m not supposed to say it, but at least Alyssa isn’t here to hear.
The pause before Gray says anything is longer and more loaded than I expected.
“I know that we… whatever. But that’s because I’m an omega. I’m not gay. It’s just the hormones, or how I’m built, or whatever.”
Gray sighs but says okay. I don’t like his tone, though.
“I’m not. Don’t say okay like yeah okay.” I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me.
Another pause.
“I’m not trying to trick you, Tanner. I mean okay. “
Well.
Another pause, but this time I’m the one who breaks it.
“You should go to bed. You’re about forty years late on your beauty sleep, after all.”
That gets a laugh out of him.
“You too, Tanner.”
Neither of us hangs up.
“Gray?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I call you again? Tomorrow, maybe?”
“Of course you can, sweetness. Always.”
“Okay. Thanks. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Tanner.”
I finally hang up, and even though we had kind of a fight, and the conversation was weird, I still feel more like myself than I have in weeks.
I don’t let myself wonder about why.