Chapter Ten
Anthony
I taste my release on Kason’s tongue and figure he must taste his on mine too.
There’s something so incredibly hot about that.
It’s not as if I’ve never experienced it, but sex with Kason feels different.
I didn’t know what to expect from him, didn’t know how passive or dominant he might be.
How vanilla or not. But the way he tried to draw out my pleasure, the way he tasted me and talked to me… and praised me…
I deepen the kiss, holding the back of his head, replaying his words.
That was different too…hot and yet not at all what I thought I would want to hear from someone.
I’ve been told I have a good mouth, a good hole.
I know I’m a good fuck, but even though it was sex talk when Kason told me I’m good for him, it didn’t feel like that’s what it was.
Or didn’t feel like that’s only what it was.
We’ve been officially dating for, like, an hour, and he’s already confusing me.
I pull back from the kiss. “Let’s go.”
We stand, and I take Kason’s hand, leading him to my room.
Guys don’t usually spend the night, and I don’t usually spend the night with them either, but this is a dating thing, I guess.
My experience is so limited. Even when it came to Malcolm, I thought the man was my boyfriend, but he often had excuses why he couldn’t stay over.
Sometimes I wonder if he was like that with Donovan and Hayes too, or if it was just me.
He did tell me I was his least favorite and—I shake my head.
No. Fuck that. I’m not giving him space here with us tonight.
I don’t believe this will last, though. Regardless, I want to pretend we’ll have this thing I didn’t think I wanted—and honestly, I’m still not sure I do—but that Kason makes me second-guess. A relationship.
“I like your room,” he says when we get inside.
My king-size bed is messy, sage-green blankets balled up with the sheet. I should have made it this morning, but… “I’m a bit messy. At least in here.”
“I don’t care about that.” He wraps his arms around me from behind, his soft cock nestled against my ass. “Looks comfy.” He kisses the side of my neck.
I miss his touch instantly when he lets go.
“This is nice.” He walks over to the corner of my room where I have yoga mats, tables with incense, crystals, and a shelf with my singing bowls.
“Do you play these? I’ve never tried. I love a good sound bath, though.
” He stands there naked, his body so gorgeous and tight, his pert little ass distracting me as he traces the edge of one of my bowls.
“I do.”
“You’ll have to play for me sometime.”
“Yeah?” That’s another first. I’ve never played for anyone before.
“Yes. Of course.” Then, completely comfortable in his skin, in my room, in his life, Kason takes a dive onto my bed.
I laugh. “You’re like a big kid.”
“I think you have me mixed up with my right defenseman. Now my feelings are hurt.” He pokes out his bottom lip.
“There you go, trying to get compliments out of me again.” I turn on the bedside lamp before turning off the one overhead.
Unlike Kason, I get into bed without the divebomb. His body immediately wraps around me.
“Sorry about the loss tonight.”
“Yeah, me too, but they happen. We leave tomorrow for a road trip, and I’ll redeem myself. We should plan something fun for when I come back.”
It’s so wild to me that he seems to want to spend so much time with me.
The strange thing is, it doesn’t surprise me that Rylan wants to spend his free time with Hayes or that Eric always wants to be with Donovan.
Not that Kason and I are anything close to what those guys are.
We’re not a real couple, and we’re not in love.
But evidently, my brain is wired to understand good things for others but not myself.
I don’t know how to change that or if it’s even possible.
“Sure. I mean, I assume that’s part of dating. ”
He grins, and I can’t help noticing how easy it is to make Kason happy, or at least to make him smile.
He pulls me closer, our bodies basically glued together. “Tell me about when you realized you love dance.”
It’s my turn to smile. “There wasn’t a specific time.
I feel like I always knew. My mom…she was young when she had me.
Like I said, her family disowned her even before that.
She struggled to make ends meet and with addiction.
But when she was doing well, I remember her telling me that from the moment I learned to walk, I was dancing.
We didn’t have money for lessons, but I found a way to learn.
Dancing was my constant when nothing else in my life was. ”
He leans in, rubs his cheek against mine, buries his nose in my hair. Kason is good at making you feel like you’re the only person in the world, like he really cares about what you say. Maybe that’s why the words fall out so easily with him, when I can’t make myself share with anyone else.
“I’m sorry you didn’t always have what you needed, but I’m glad you had dance. Your mom…?”
The feelings of not being good enough, of being the person no one cares about enough to stick around, build up inside me. “I don’t want to talk about that. Is that okay?”
“Of course.” He runs his fingers through my hair, peppering kisses along my temple. “Tell me more about dancing. Were you able to perform when you were younger? You said you were shy.”
“In my teens, I lived with my aunt and uncle. It wasn’t going well for me.
I didn’t know how to connect with them or even with the kids at school.
I used to sneak into an empty room during lunch to dance.
Aliyah found me. She was the dance instructor, and she was great.
She did everything she could to help me, to get me on the team and keep me there.
I don’t know what I would have done without her. ”
“I like the sound of this. Tell me more about her.”
So I do. I snuggle in close and tell him about Aliyah, her helping me with my stage fright and opening up with people. About finally being able to perform, what it was like being part of a team. Even when I realized some of the kids didn’t like me, I still felt like I was a part of something.
Kason listens to every story I tell him, asks questions, and smiles. He makes me feel like I’m the center of his world, and despite knowing it’s something he does with everyone, in this moment, it makes me feel unique, special.
I ask him more questions about hockey and what it was like growing up.
We talk late into the night, until our voices are scratchy and we can hardly keep our eyes open.
And when mine do fall closed, it’s Kason who reaches over me and turns out the light, then goes right back to holding me as we drift off to sleep.
He wakes me up in the morning with soft words in my ear. “Ant…I have to go. I’ll text you later, okay?”
I yawn, stretch, try to open my eyes. “I’ll walk you out.”
“You’re fine. Stay in bed, little dancer.” He pulls the covers up around me, and that’s all it takes for me to do as he says, to let Kason be nice to me in this way not many people have ever been to me.
In that moment, I decide that despite knowing it won’t last, I’m going to enjoy this, enjoy him, while I can. And when I lose him, I’ll carry these memories of him with me to remember what it felt like to have someone I wanted to stay.
*
Donovan: Emergency meeting of the Jilted Exes’ Club needed STAT!
Hayes: What’s wrong?
Donovan: I’m fine. I’m calling it on behalf of Anthony, who won’t.
Me: LOL. Maybe that means I don’t need it?
Hayes: Or that you’re stubborn. Dono is right. You’re dating Mads and didn’t tell us! I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t know how to talk about important things.
Donovan: I think that’s both of you…
Me: Gee, thanks.
The truth is, they’re right. I play the game a lot better than Hayes, pretend I’m this open book, but there’s so much about me they don’t know.
So much about me I want to learn to share.
Maybe I can start by talking to them about Kason because everything about him feels so far out of my wheelhouse, I’m destined to fuck this up sooner rather than later.
Me: I’m not going to Lush until nine tonight…
Donovan: I’m off today.
Hayes: I can get off early.
Me: Five at my place?
Donovan: I’ll bring dinner.
I look at their texts an embarrassing number of times today. The messages from Kason too. I have people, and it’s both unfamiliar and exciting.
I’m smart enough not to allow myself on social media, though.
I locked down the comments on posts last night, turned off notifications on tags, and steered clear of any news or tabloid cycles.
It doesn’t matter that I’m going viral for a good reason this time.
I hate this kind of attention, hate having people poking in my life or wanting to know my business.
I’ve already touched base with managers and security at Lush. We came up with a plan to try and keep the paparazzi out. At this point, all we can do is hope they find a bigger story than a dancer at a bar dating a hockey player.
God, that’s weird to even think. I’m dating Kason Maddox. I’m still not quite sure if I believe it.
I do my best not to obsess about Kason, the media, or anything like that throughout the day, until there’s a knock at my door.
I tense up for a moment, but then tell myself it’s just Donovan and Hayes, and I refuse to live in fear of nosy photographers and people who get their joy from other people’s lives.
One peek through the peephole shows my friends on the other side, Donovan with a bag in his hand.
Once they’re inside, I ask, “Is there anyone outside my building?”
“No, thankfully,” Hayes replies. “Though it’s probably because they know the Rebels are traveling.”
“Can you try and be a little more optimistic?” I tease. “They’re already bored with the three of us and have moved on.”
His eyes widen. “That too!”
“I’m giving you shit.” I hug him and Donovan, the smell of Mexican food filling my senses. “Just what I needed.” I take the bag from him and head into the kitchen.
“So…” Donovan starts as I pull containers of rice and tacos out of the bag.
“So…how are you?” I try to play it off as if there’s nothing going on.
“Nope. You’re not getting away with that. Mads is your boyfriend?”
Wait…is Kason my boyfriend? Is that what he means by dating?
I have no idea how to answer this question or if I even want to.
“We’re dating,” I say, which is the safest and easiest option, but like, what the fuck?
Do I have a boyfriend? Why am I so fucking bad at this? Just sex is a whole lot easier.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Donovan asks, his gaze sad, but I don’t think just for him and Hayes. For me as well.
“Because I didn’t know?” My response sounds like a question, and they both look at me with wrinkled foreheads. “Let’s make our plates and sit down.”
A few minutes later, the three of us are at my small table, and once I have my first bite, which is fucking delicious, I admit, “I thought we were just friends.”
Hayes frowns. “I’m confused.”
“I was too! He asked me to dinner, and I thought we were being buddies, ya know? And then we kept doing things together—and in my defense, he didn’t try and hook up with me, so how was I supposed to know we were dating! I mean, who tries to date me and not fuck me? It makes no sense!”
Neither responds right away, both looking at me with kind, sad eyes, making me feel like I’m onstage and everyone is staring at me, waiting to laugh. “What?”
Donovan reaches over, setting his hand on mine. “People can be interested in you for more than sex, Ant.”
I shift uncomfortably. “I know,” I lie.
“Do you?” There’s nothing mocking in his tone, and there’s an honest question there.
“I hope you know how great you are. And while sex can be a-fucking-mazing, and I’m sure you’re great at it, it’s possible for Mads to be interested in you for more than sex.
Not that there’s anything wrong with hooking up, but there’s nothing wrong either with not doing it. ”
“I know.” But how do I tell him that no one has ever wanted me for more than my hole or my mouth? Not even Malcolm. I don’t think he spent nearly as much time with me as he did with Hayes and Donovan, and when we were together, he was often getting his nut and then having to bounce.
“Mads is a good guy. If he’s been dating you, it’s because he likes you,” Donovan insists. “Not just because he wants to sleep with you.”
“We did have sex last night.” I grin. “Really fucking good sex.”
They both grin, and Hayes says, “So you had a boyfriend without benefits and now you have a boyfriend with benefits. Oh my God! You’ll fall in love with Mads and it will be perfect!”
My pulse races, but I try to ignore it. “You’re going a little fast there, buddy. Kason isn’t going to fall in love with me, and we’re not boyfriends.” I don’t think. “We’re dating…and taking it slow.”
“First of all—Kason. He’s Kason now,” Donovan teases.
“Shut up.” I give him the finger.
“It’s cute. But second and more importantly, don’t think I didn’t notice how you said Kason won’t fall in love with you and not that you wouldn’t with him.
Remember the things you said to me when I was afraid of ruining things with Eric.
I didn’t think he would have feelings for me outside of friendship because I didn’t think I was worth it, and now I’m going to do the same for you.
Mads would be lucky to have you. Anyone would be lucky to have you, and the fact that Kason Maddox wants to date you or be boyfriends with you, that’s because you deserve him or anyone else you want. ”
I’m not one to get embarrassed easily anymore, but my cheeks do heat.
I’ve never had people who talk to me the way Donovan and Hayes do—the way Kason does as well.
“I just don’t want to go into this with any expectations…
and I don’t want you guys to either. This is just a thing.
It’s fun, and Kason and I will enjoy ourselves for a while, and that’s that. ”
Hayes reaches over and takes my other hand. “We love you. I would totally be boyfriends with you if I wasn’t in love with Rylan and you weren’t going to marry Mads.”
A laugh jumps from my mouth. God, they’re so great. I’m so lucky to have them. I never expected to have anything like this, and I’ll go through the rest of my life completely grateful if I can at least keep them.