Chapter Sixteen
Anthony
I’m in big, big trouble.
I like Kason…a whole lot. He’s good at making this feel real, which is hard because when I was with Malcolm, I thought it was real too.
I missed the signs, or so I thought. More likely, I chose to ignore them.
There’s a huge difference. Those signs aren’t there with Kason.
I pay attention to everything, all the time. No red flags so far.
I hate looking at him through a Malcolm lens, but I don’t know how to stop myself, or if I should.
Kason isn’t Malcolm, but pain doesn’t magically go away because you meet a nice guy who’s also really hot.
And while it’s not his fault and Kason didn’t do anything wrong, it doesn’t help that the day after my time spent at his house, photos of us kissing in his driveway found their way online.
Were people camped out in the fucking mountains or what?
I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, that there’s nothing I can do to change it, but I’m fully aware that when this ends, it’ll be public too, and I’m not sure how to handle that.
With Malcolm it was embarrassment, more than anything.
That should have told me that what we had wasn’t real.
With Kason, there’s no doubt in my mind it’ll break my heart.
But just like everything else in my life, I’ll get through it. There’s no other option, unless I want to end this thing with Kason now, and I don’t. He makes me want things I never thought I would want again…or maybe that I’ve never even thought to want.
“I can’t believe you and Mads are boyfriends now,” Hayes says, watching me as I put on my favorite body oil before getting dressed.
We’re at my place, heading to a Rebels game tonight.
It’s their last one before their bye week, and though I’m nervous as shit about going, when Kason asked if I’d be there, I didn’t want to let him down.
I don’t want to let me down either because I want to be there.
Living in my head is a confusing place sometimes.
“It’s not a big deal.” I set the bottle on the counter, then grab my jeans and tug them on.
“Um…yes it is,” Donovan replies. I head out of the en suite and into my closet to pick a shirt, Donovan right behind me. “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. Relationships are always scary, especially after going through something like we did, but Mads is different.”
“I know that. He’s the best guy I know, present company excluded.” I tug a Rebels jersey off the hanger—a Maddox jersey, to be exact.
“Oh,” Hayes says, stepping up beside Dono.
“I had this before we started hooking up.”
“Being boyfriends,” Hayes corrects.
“Potato tomato,” I tease, and Hayes frowns.
“That’s not how the saying goes.”
“I know. What’s important is that I already had a Kason Maddox jersey. I didn’t buy it because we’re dating. But I figure I should wear it, right? You wear Rylan’s.” As if my relationship with Kason is the same as his with Rylan. But a guy can dream.
“You know what Rylan likes to do? Fuck me when I’m wearing it. It’s really hot. You should try it.”
A laugh jumps out of my mouth, and not for the first time, I’m so thankful for the two men in the room with me right now. “Hayes, you are an absolute joy. Please don’t ever change.”
The three of us chuckle as I tease putting the jersey back on the hanger. I probably shouldn’t wear it. That’s too much, trying too hard. I’ll draw attention, and while in some ways, like when I’m dancing, I like being the center of attention, I don’t when it comes to my relationship.
Donovan interrupts my thoughts. “Yes. That. But also, I just want to say, you know you can always come to us, right? About what you’re feeling or what you’ve been through. You’ve always been there for us. I want to make sure you know we’re here for you too.”
I do know that, and I hate that Donovan has to question whether I do. Dealing with past trauma fucking sucks. “I know. I’m working on it. I promise. I just…I lose everyone,” I admit.
“Not us,” Donovan replies, and I can see the sadness in his eyes.
“Or Mads,” Hayes adds. “Rylan says he’s obsessed with you and never stops talking about you.”
Well, that makes me grin. It’s nice to hear. “Oh God. I’m obsessed with him too. I’ve never been obsessed with someone before, and it’s the worst thing ever…” Only it’s not. I cover my face and scream into it.
Hayes and Donovan step into the closet with me, wrapping their arms around me.
“It’s scary to let people in, but you’re doing it. With us and with Mads…and though it feels like the worst thing ever, it never actually is.” Donovan rubs my back.
“No, it’s not.”
“I get it. I never thought things could work with Rylan either,” Hayes soothes. “How could someone like him be into someone like me?”
“I felt the same about Eric, and he’s been my best friend my whole life. Malcolm really did a number on us, didn’t he?”
Yes, he did, but we all know that’s not the only thing going on here.
“Yes, but he also targeted us because of our low self-esteem and being loners in some way or another.” And those aren’t bad things for us to have felt or still feel.
They’re normal human emotions. What matters is how we deal with it, how we live with it.
“I don’t want to ruin things with Kason in some bullshit self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m gonna wear the jersey.”
“Fuck yes you are!” Donovan cheers.
“Mads will love it,” Hayes adds.
I tug it on over my head…my boyfriend’s jersey that I’m going to wear to his game. Even thinking that is a rush.
As we head out Hayes says, “Hey. We just came out of the closet together,” and the three of us break into laughter again.
*
The Rebels are playing Vegas tonight, and there are quite a few of their fans in the stands. Vegas is close enough that I’m sure the situation would be the same if the Rebels played there. How fun would that be to take a Jilted Exes trip, plus Eric, to go see the guys play when they’re there?
Stop that. Stop planning ahead.
So far, no one has noticed me. I don’t know why I was thinking that out of the thousands of people here, a lot of them repping my boyfriend, that people would take one look at me and know who I am. It was my mind playing tricks on me, and a few minutes into the first period, I’ve already relaxed.
I hold my breath as a Vegas defenseman steals the puck from Volkov.
He immediately passes to their center, who flies down the ice toward my man.
Rylan is on him, trying to keep between him and the goal, as they fight for the puck.
Rylan is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, total golden-retriever energy, but he’s a beast on the ice. I wouldn’t want to go up against him.
The next moment, though, he’s knocked out of the way by another Vegas player, and then the one controlling the puck pulls his stick back and shoots.
The damn disk flies so fast, I lose it, but somehow, Kason doesn’t.
His padded arm shoots out at just the right time, in just the right spot, and he blocks the goal.
I’m on my feet in no time, arms in the air, screaming and cheering for Kason’s save.
My heart is beating like a stampede, so hard I swear it feels like it could burst. Eric is beside me, cheering just as loudly.
“Hell yes!” He claps his hands together.
He’d picked us up to bring us to the game, but I’ll go home with Kason afterward, and Hayes with Rylan.
The game continues at a fast pace, a defense-led match, and at the end of the first period, neither team has scored.
I can’t bring myself to leave with the others during the intermission.
It’s like my brain is afraid if I get up, I’ll miss something.
Instead, I alternate between watching them resurface the ice and looking up highlights from the first period of a game I’ve literally had my eyes glued to the whole time.
Hockey is already an exciting sport, but that exhilaration is next level when you’re dating the damn goalie.
And falling for him…
The guys make it back just in time for the second period.
Volkov wins the face-off and instantly breaks away. Kennedy is in front of him, Volkov sending a sweep pass straight for him, and so quickly I almost miss it, Kennedy shoots, the puck flying between the goalie’s legs, the lamp lighting up.
“Fuck yes!” I scream, on my feet again, the arena erupting around me.
Vegas wins the next face-off, and my stomach twists into knots. Rylan’s line isn’t on the ice, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel better having him out there to protect my guy.
One of our second-line defensemen is knocked away from the player he’s guarding and into the boards.
The Vegas guy is immediately swarmed but manages to break free, shooting to another, who skates behind the back of the goal, sends a tape-to-tape pass to their right winger, who catches it and makes a shot on goal.
Kason falls to his knees, legs pressed together, blocking the shot.
My heart nearly explodes with excitement, sweat beading on my brow, muscles feeling all jittery like they might vibrate out of my skin.
Eric wraps an arm around me, cheering with me, Hayes doing the same from the other side, congratulating and celebrating Kason with me…
because Kason is mine, and damn, that’s an incredible feeling.
By the end of the second period, we’re up two to zero.
The third they’re really going at Kason.
They take more shots on goal than in either of the first two periods, but he’s in the zone.
Nothing gets past him. He’s so fluid out there, so beautiful, like he’s dancing in his own way, and God, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that the man wants to date me.
When the final buzzer rings, I’m not only cheering the Rebels’ win, but that Kason got a shutout. I didn’t do a damn thing, but somehow, I feel like I’m flying and nothing can bring me down.
Donovan and Eric head out. Hayes and I have passes and are able to get down close to the locker room to wait for the guys. I’m leaning against the wall, wearing the biggest smile I’ve ever had, when Hayes says, “I think you’re in love.”
My heart ceases to beat, maybe even crawls deep in my chest and tries to hide. “What? I’m not in love. We’ve been dating for, like, two seconds.” But in some ways we’ve been dating for a while now…and had been friends before that. I’ve been slowly falling for Kason longer than I let myself realize.
“Is there an agreed-upon amount of time that has to pass to fall in love?”
“Ha-ha.” I nudge him with my arm, but his words get stuck in my head. Am I falling in love with Kason? Am I already there? How in the hell does someone know what real love is?
Hayes must be able to tell I’m spiraling because he says, “Should I not have said anything?”
“It’s fine. I’m just…”
“Losing your shit? I did that when I realized I was falling in love with Rylan. Fucking hockey players.”
I snicker, my mood lightening some. Just earlier tonight I was stressing out about realizing how much I like Kason, and now this. I don’t really think I get love—at least not for me, because I’m not sure anyone has ever loved me before.
But then, that’s not true, is it? I believe Hayes and Donovan love me. That the bond we’ve built is the most real thing I’ve ever had. Could Kason be that for me too?
I don’t have much time to think about it before I hear footsteps coming from down the hallway.
I don’t know how I know it, but even before I look, I can sense it’s Kason.
I look up just as he turns the corner, walking with Rylan, decked out in the same black suit he’d worn to the game.
My stupid, annoying, maybe-in-love heart soars.
His gaze catches on mine, and he gives me a cocky, mischievous grin.
“Aww, see how they look at each other? I thought it was just my Madsies all swoony over his boyfriend, but Anthony is in deep too. So cute,” Rylan teases.
“You’re an idiot,” Kason replies, which is something Rylan hears a lot.
“What are your intentions with my best friend? Because for real, he’s down bad.
” Rylan eyes me with a playful gleam. Kason thumps his head, and Hayes just shakes his before going into Rylan’s arms. “Actually, I’m busy with this cutie.
Just be good to him.” He winks at me, then nuzzles into Hayes’s neck.
If anyone is down bad, it’s definitely Rylan, but I don’t have the chance to say it. Before I can get any words out, Kason’s finger hooks into my belt loop, and he pulls me close.
“I got a shutout for you.”
“Now you sound like him.” I point to Rylan.
“He wants to be me,” Rylan jokes, but we ignore him.
My arms encircle Kason’s waist, this beautiful man who is looking at me like I matter, like he’s been waiting to see me all night. How did I get so lucky? “Yes. I saw. Thank you. It was really fucking hot, so I’m definitely putting out tonight.”
Kason chuckles and pulls me closer. When I tilt my head up, he covers my mouth with his right there in the hallway outside the locker room. People walk by and he doesn’t care, doesn’t hide who he is and who we are together. The world needs more people like Kason Maddox.
“My place or yours?” he asks.
“I don’t care.” I take a deep breath, think about the closet convo with my friends earlier, don’t let my fear get in the way of being honest. “I just want to be with you.”
The way he smiles at me, you’d think I just gave him the moon. It settles something inside me, while at the same time making me feel like I’m somehow more than I ever felt before.
“I just want to be with you too.”
We say quick goodbyes to Hayes and Rylan, and then Kason takes my hand. I go with him, unsure if there is anywhere I wouldn’t follow this man.