Chapter 20 Rama
CHAPTER TWENTY: Rama
What did I expect? That Pravat would never date again? He’s said that dating someone while working causes drama, but he’s free now, so of course he’s seeing someone.
I study the photo, something I hadn’t allowed myself to do all day while at work.
Kiet tagged the guy with Pravat, and I see his name is Somsak.
The name means worthy, and I wonder if he is worthy of Pravat.
He’s certainly adorable—definitely a word that could never be used to describe me—and he and Pravat look good together.
Had Somsak been with Pravat when I’d texted him the night before?
An unwanted image of them naked in bed together pops into my head and I throw my phone down.
Why am I torturing myself? Pravat and I aren’t a couple.
We’ll never be a couple. I wouldn’t even want that. Would I?
I allow myself to imagine what that would be like.
Spending all my time with him, sharing private jokes and intimate touches.
It doesn’t sound any different from reality.
God, I miss being able to hide in his arms when my thoughts become too intense.
He never asked me to explain, just wrapped me in his embrace and held me until I could face the world again.
Tears stinging my eyes, I take an unsteady breath. Here I’ve been thinking distancing myself from Pravat would be good for me, but all I want is to be near him again. I’m finished with trying to figure out what it is I feel for him. All I know is that I miss him.
But when I imagine returning to Thailand to Pravat and his new cute boyfriend, jealousy nearly overwhelms me. Seeing him holding and caring for another man would be the worst kind of torture.
Come on. He went out with somebody. That doesn’t mean they’re boyfriends.
I can’t stop thinking about it, though. When you go out with someone, you usually kiss them at the end of the night.
That means Pravat kissed Somsak, and imagining that is torture.
I know what it feels like to have those lips on mine.
And in Somsak’s case, Pravat would actually want to kiss him and wouldn’t just be following director’s orders.
I wonder what it might be like for him to kiss me of his own accord.
Unscripted. Unwitnessed. His lips would be soft and seeking, his mouth warm.
Our tongues would slide together in the way they only barely had during filming.
Before I realize what I’m doing, my hand is in my shorts, the vision of my mouth fused with Pravat’s, his strong hands sliding down my back quickly driving me to climax.
Trembling, my breath coming in short, sharp pants, I lie on the bed until the world rights itself again.
I can’t deceive myself anymore. Pravat has become everything to me.
I miss him, I want him. In every way. Being attracted to a man isn’t something I ever expected, but I can’t deny what I feel any longer.
Fuck, I just jacked off while imagining kissing him.
What more of a kick in the pants do I need?
The glaring question is what am I going to do now? We’ll be working together again, and it’ll be like it was before. Only this time, I’ll be dealing with the knowledge of my true feelings for him.
Pravat wouldn’t want me that way. Would he? Imagining telling him how I feel only to see sadness and regret on his face hurts like a knife in the gut. I’d rather go my entire life yearning for him in private than to see that kind of pity in his eyes.
I don’t sleep a wink. When I go to work the following day, my feet are dragging.
Even after drinking two cups of coffee, I feel as though my head’s full of sand.
My boss scheduled me to sit in meetings until lunch, and it’s a struggle to keep my eyes open.
By the time the last conference ends, my eyes feel like sandpaper and my head’s buzzing.
“You okay?” a fellow intern asks when she finds me leaning against the wall by the water cooler, my eyes closed. Embarrassed, I straighten up and smile.
“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I guess it’s catching up to me.”
Reaching into her shoulder bag, she takes out a large can and hands it to me. “Here. This is the strongest energy drink they make. It got me through my final exams. I have several in the fridge in the break room if you need any more.”
“Thanks.” I drink it as I eat a pack of crackers from my desk drawer and go through reports. The next time I look up, two hours have passed and I have a crick in my neck.
I go to the restroom, then seek out another one of those energy drinks in the break room, needing all the pep I can get to finish out the day. By the time I close the last report, my stomach’s queasy.
“You’re not leaving, are you? I was beginning to think you slept here,” Mike, the intern I was partnered with the first couple of weeks, asks me when I start putting away my work. He’s the only person still in the office besides myself.
I look at my watch. Seven-fifteen—a good two hours before I usually quit work in the evenings. “You should talk. You probably won’t leave until dark.”
Chuckling, Mike says, “I can’t if I’m going to beat you for the intern award. Hey, you okay? You look a little unsteady.” He half-rises from his desk to help me get my balance.
Embarrassed, I pull my hand away. “I’m good. I’ve been sitting too long and haven’t eaten much today. I think I’ll head out now and get a bite.”
Waving, I exit the office. On the elevator to the first floor, I look at my phone and see I missed a call from Pete, but I’m waylaid from returning the call when I run into one of the executives in the lobby.
The next twenty minutes are spent discussing my recent tour of the factory.
By the time I climb into a taxi, I’m completely drained and can’t do anything but lean my head against the window and close my eyes.
Even though I’m exhausted, my heart thumps wildly in my chest. I shouldn’t have had so much caffeine—it always make me feel anxious. I need sleep, but I know I’m too wired to be able to get any.
When the cab drops me off at Pete’s apartment building, I halt halfway to the entrance, suddenly remembering I’d meant to stop somewhere and eat.
I stand a moment on the sidewalk, unsure.
Should I get another cab and go to a restaurant?
No, that would be silly. I’m already at the apartment building.
When I open the door to Pete and Alex’s place, the of smell garlic and oregano hits me, making my empty stomach growl.
Sounds of conversation and the clink of glasses come from the living room.
Pete and Alex must have company. That was probably why Pete called me.
I wonder who it is and if I can get away with fixing a plate and eating it alone in my room.
My head’s pounding, and the last thing I want is to make conversation.
I take a moment to splash water on my face from the kitchen sink and then straighten my clothes before heading into the living room to say hello to whoever it is and make an excuse.
“There he is,” I hear Pete say when I enter, and a smile curves my lips when I turn and recognize the woman seated on the couch with Alex.
My heart staggers in my chest, and I automatically lift my hand to cover it.
A female version of my father, I would know my Aunt Sunnee anywhere. Even after ten years.
“Kwang,” she says, and the world tilts.
Suddenly, Alex is beside me, arm around my waist. “Here, sit,” he says to me, leading me toward the couch. “He’s been working too hard.”
Digging my heels in, I resist. “I need to lie down.” My voice sounds hollow, and for a second, as pinpricks of light dance before my eyes, I think I’m going to pass right here on the living room floor. I’m grateful when Alex drapes my arm around his neck and helps me down the hall to my room.
He settles me on the bed and takes off my necktie.
“Breathe, Rama,” he says.
“What’s wrong with him?” Pete asks from the doorway.
“I’m okay,” I manage to say, then bend forward as my stomach lurches. Alex barely gets the trashcan under my chin in time.
“Get a wet towel,” Alex tells Pete as he unbuttons the cuffs of my sleeves. With barely anything in my stomach to throw up, I mostly dry heave.
“Did you eat something bad?” Pete asks when he returns from the bathroom with a rag.
I shake my head, then wince at the throbbing in my head.
“Aunt Sunnee has to get to the airport,” Pete says.
“You take her. I’ll stay with Rama,” Alex offers.
When Pete leaves the room, I ask hoarsely, “Why is she here?”
Pressing the cool, damp cloth to my face, Alex says, “She phoned us earlier saying she has a flight to Germany tonight and wanted to stop by. Pete tried to call you to let you know so you could come home early and see her.”
“I don’t want to see her,” I say.
Alex gives me a confused look but doesn’t question me as he continues to pat the sweat from my face.
“I’m okay,” I finally tell him, pushing his hand away. “I just want to lie down in the dark.”
Alex gets up from the bed. “Call me if you need anything. I’ll check on you in a while.” The door clicks shut behind him.
Despair, guilt, and self-hatred overwhelm me, and I let out a sob into the pillow. The dam, long held, has finally burst, and there’s no holding it back.