Chapter 14 #2
I stepped back, vaguely aware that he’d said my name as he moved to his feet, and waved him off. “It’s okay,” I told him, unable to meet his eyes. “I need to go do something. I’ll be back.”
Even though I knew he was talking to me, I dodged his attempts to regain my attention and walked away.
I was sitting on a fallen log, my arms wrapped around my knees and staring at the ground, when I felt him. A gentle wave of concern washed over me through our new bond, and my heart skipped as Julian’s presence drew closer.
I wasn’t ready to go back yet. I didn’t want to say goodbye.
“Darling,” he said, crouching in front of me, close enough that I could feel the warmth radiating from him. “It’s okay to be upset. Being in a quintet is new to you, and it’s normal to feel a loss when one of us leaves. It disrupts the flow of energy between us. But I’ll be there to support—”
“I know that,” I said, unable to meet his eyes. “I read about how the connection works. That’s not my problem.”
“Then what is it?” he asked, touching my face to look at him. “Why are you anxious?”
“I don’t know!” I pulled from him. “It’s stupid!”
“It’s stupid, or you don’t know?” Julian asked, unable to mask his hurt.
My heart began to race. I did not need to feel defensive—he was trying to help—and I couldn’t get upset that he could feel my emotions. That would be hypocritical.
“I’m sorry…” I grabbed his arm. “It’s both, but I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Well,” Julian said contemplatively. “Let’s see if we can figure it out. Why are you upset at this moment?”
I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t—
“It’ll only get worse if you try to suppress it,” he added, sitting beside me.
“I don’t want to be away from Miles.”
He blinked, lifting his eyebrow before carefully responding, “We thought seeing him might make you feel better, but—”
“It didn’t!” I pulled at my hair. My heart was racing, and it was getting harder to breathe. “I feel so stupid, but I don’t want him to go away again. I feel anxious—it scares me.”
Julian made a sound of understanding as he pulled at my hands, untangling them from my curls. “You’re experiencing separation anxiety.”
“I’m not a dog,” I protested.
“No, you’re not,” he agreed, his voice gentle. “It’s a recognized condition in humans too. Especially in cases where someone has unresolved trauma and they make a connection to someone.”
He had to be wrong. “I wasn’t like this in the hospital.”
“A lot was going on,” he mused, stroking his chin, blue eyes distant. “And you haven’t had anything to do since then to distract yourself.”
I glanced at the water as he contemplated. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. This was the last thing we needed. I couldn’t expect the others to put up with this. I’d have to suck it up—fake it—until I did some research and figured out the cure.
Julian snapped out of his musings, disbelief radiating as he rounded on me. “Why are you sorry?”
“Um…” I began. “B-because I’m a mess?”
“You are not a mess,” he said definitively, but he must have forgotten I could feel his emotions because the turmoil was thick between us, clouding my senses. “Though I didn’t think it’d happen to you, it is kind of expected, in a way.”
I sniffled, rubbing my sleeve under my nose. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve always liked having your own space,” Julian began, pulling out his handkerchief and dabbing at my eyes. “At the same time, the five of us share a unique connection. You’ve never felt this way before?”
I shook my head.
“And you don’t get upset when Damen, Titus, and I are working?”
I shook my head. That was different from what happened with Miles. They were only a short car ride away and would be right back if needed.
“Then what is happening is most likely a combination of separation anxiety and a fear over the imbalance that will happen when one of us is missing,” he said. “That part, at least, is manageable once you get used to your abilities.”
It had darn well better because this was not acceptable.
“See.” He grinned and poked my nose. “You’re still yourself.
Now,” he continued, turning from me as he dipped his handkerchief in the water.
“Let’s get you cleaned up, and then we can go back and tell Miles the truth about Bigfoot.
He won’t be able to complete his ‘quest’ if he continues in this vein.
He should pick something more achievable. ”
“But…” I’d already told him…
How did Julian know of my feelings on this matter?
“I’m joking,” Julian continued in a light tone as he wrung out the cloth.
“He’ll ignore us—he needs to figure it out alone.
Sometimes, he’s too stubborn. However, before we leave, we should let him—and Damen—know about your feelings.
That way, he knows why it’s important to hurry, while Damen can help suggest some coping mechanisms.”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve. “Miles is stubborn?”
“Yes…” Julian shot me a look. “When he sets his mind on something being right or wrong—or has an idea—he won’t compromise. He tends to see things differently than the rest of us. That’s why he helped you when Damen was going to exorcise James.”
“Hm.”
“Here,” he said, turning back to me. He raised the cloth to my face and continued, “Let me help.”
My breath caught in my throat as the damp cloth touched my cheek.
The gentle pressure against my skin made the forest blur and fade, replaced by sterile white walls and harsh fluorescent lights.
The cloth brushed the outside of my eye, and suddenly, my lungs were burning, screaming for air that wouldn’t come.
But why… hadn’t it been a dream?
“Bianca?”
My name echoed in my head as Julian’s calculated calm broke through the panic. I could feel his concern pulse through our bond as he dropped the cloth and moved to steady my shoulders.
“Darling, you’re okay.” Julian’s fingers pressed steadily over my arms, and the panic spreading through my chest was chased away. I could breathe again as a warm comfort began to cover me until, finally, I could see again.
Julian’s face swam in my vision, and belatedly, I realized I was lying in his arms. The air was deadly and calm, and a hint of cold darkness lingered just outside my sight. His expression was carefully serene, but he couldn’t entirely hide his concern.
“I’ve got you,” he said, pushing my hair away from my face. “There’s no reason to be afraid.”
Afraid… My heart was still pounding as I stared at him.
Why should I be afraid?
The moment was shattered. Chaos erupted through the clearing as the others arrived.
“What happened?” Damen asked.
Julian’s posture stiffened, and his aura was heavy as he looked away from me. “I’m not sure I appreciate your tone,” he said to Damen.
Damen ignored Julian and crouched in front of me while Miles and Titus lingered in the background. He closed his hand over mine. “Bianca, are you okay?”
“Y-yeah.” My fingers were shaking as I twisted them together. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” Damen frowned as a line in his forehead deepened. “By now we’ve learned that when you say you’re ‘fine,’ it means you’re not very fine at all.”
But… How could I explain something that didn’t even make any sense?
“Did I do something?” Julian asked, his anger giving way to worry.
“I—I don’t think so,” I said, looking at him. My attention lingered on the ground where the discarded handkerchief lay. “I r-really can’t say, because I’m not sure.”
“Not sure about what?” Damen asked.
“I-if it was real?” I offered, half-shrugging.
A pregnant pause filled the space, and Damen’s next question was wary. “What do you mean?”
“I thought it was a d-d-dream…” I touched my pointer fingers together as I tried to ignore their stares. “I thought that… Maybe it’s n-not? W-w-when I was at the h-h-hospital, the nurses…”
But what if I was wrong? I would hate for anyone to get into trouble.
“The witches?” Miles asked, capturing my attention. “The ones you told me about?” he continued, glancing at Damen and Julian. Damen moved aside as Miles sat in front of me, and he leaned toward me, as serious as I’d ever seen him, as he cupped my face with his hand. “Tell me what they did.”
My heart twisted, but my trepidation faded. For some reason, his touch filled me with confidence.
I sucked in a breath, and the air seemed to grow lighter.
I could tell them. Even if everything was in my head, they would let me know. Then we could work on making me less crazy.
If that was even possible.
The words began to tumble out before I could stop them. “One n-night they changed my b-bandages.” I twisted my fingers in my lap. “They were s-scared of me, so they s-strapped me to the bed."
My voice wavered as I rushed to explain. “It was so that they could do their jobs! But then they s-said I would t-trick them and they covered my face with something…” I swallowed hard. “And one of them kept s-spilling water…”
I glanced between them, watching their expressions darken. The air felt heavy with their silence.
“I c-couldn’t breathe,” I whispered, my confidence crumbling as their faces grew more grave. My skin went clammy—maybe I was making too much of this?
“It might have just been a n-nightmare,” I added quickly, staring at my hands. “But even if it wasn’t, it’s not that b-bad. A-accidents happen all the time… right?”
Julian’s hold tightened painfully. On my other side, Miles was deathly still.
Julian’s careful mask had cracked, revealing something darker beneath, as he asked, “ When was this?”
My head still felt fuzzy, but the sick feeling in my chest had faded. Did this mean my fear was normal? “The night before Damen showed up.”
A muscle in Damen’s jaw twitched. “They waterboarded her.” His voice was dangerously soft. “And they smiled at me when I arrived. They showed me to her room like nothing was wrong.” His attention snapped to me. “Did they do anything else?”
“Um…” I flinched. “What else… Not—not that I didn’t say already.”
Julian’s gaze narrowed as he turned to Miles. “Well?”
Miles slowly blinked, and when he spoke, his voice held an eerie calm that made my skin crawl. “I’ll handle it.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Julian said, almost accusingly. “What are you going to do ?”
There was a shadow in Miles’s gaze when he looked at Julian, and the ground seemed to tremble beneath us. “Do not underestimate me,” he said. “I am aware that there are witches that have become undeserving, which I seek to rectify. Why do you think it is so important that I graduate?”
Julian blinked, and the tension melted from him. “Okay then.”
“They deserve worse,” Damen replied, and Titus nodded.
However, neither argued when Miles added, “I’ll request your help if needed. Otherwise, leave them to me.” The others didn’t reply—or I missed it if they did—and he stood. “Let’s talk before you head out,” he said, offering me his hand.
I looked at it for a moment, my heart pounding, as Julian’s revelation about my ‘anxiety’ replayed in my head. Should I tell him? Or would it be better to pretend?
Either way, I couldn’t give up this opportunity to say goodbye.
“Okay,” I said, reaching for him. A warmth began to rush under my skin as his large hand closed around mine.
I stood near him, unable to look away from the scattered patches of grass and dirt as the others wandered away.
It was already getting harder to breathe, and the last thing I wanted to think about was Miles being out here alone.
But I had no choice but to be brave.