Chapter 23
A feather-light touch brushed my cheek, disturbing my rest and pulling me from sleep. My bed was warm and pliant, and the light scent of freshly turned dirt stimulated my senses.
However, despite the comfortable surroundings, my stomach twisted, and my heart raced. Considering the environment—it was clear we were outside—the worst possible situation might be at hand.
A bug had just crawled across my face.
Disgusting.
It moved again, scurrying over my cheek, and my eyes flew open. I rolled to my side, swiping at my face. But there was nothing, thankfully, as the only things that fell from my bed were crushed leaves and twigs.
I blinked at them, trying to string together the events of the past few hours.
Our bonding ceremony had exhausted me, and I’d been moved into a makeshift bed of leaves at some point. Considering that, it’d be a miracle if a bug hadn’t crawled over me.
A low chuckle broke through my inner tirade, and my hand paused at the back of my neck, where I’d begun pulling twigs out of my braid. For a moment, I was five years old again. I was alone in an unfamiliar forest and unexplainably exhausted.
But then I turned, spotting Miles sitting cross-legged, not five feet from my head. His mouth quirked apologetically—almost shyly—and he wiped his hand over his thigh.
My fears vanished, and my vision cleared.
“You had a spider on you.” The corner of his mouth lifted. “But I saved you.”
“Did you?” I asked. “Thank you…”
There was something strange about how he carried himself this morning—about his smile. There was a foreign air to him now, a self-assured posture and peaceful expression I’d never seen on him before.
Instantly, I knew.
Tu.
A chill shot down my spine, and my pulse began to race as I pressed my hands against my chest. “Miles?”
He moved his hand to his face, nipping his palm where I’d bit him. And my blood chilled as he grinned. “You held your own—just like in old times. You’ve always enjoyed the game.”
“What?” I heard myself ask.
“You don’t remember,” he said, the grin turning into a frown. I got the distinct impression I’d disappointed him when he continued, “I thought you accepted the past.”
What was he talking about?
A coldness began to overtake my chest. “The p-past…?” I stuttered. “There’s n-nothing…” My throat closed over.
Why was he so much more intimidating now?
Miles’s brows furrowed as a blackness cloaked over his expression. “Mu.” He scowled, his deep attention moving over me in an unnerving way.
I couldn’t tell if he was answering my question or addressing me, but it was becoming difficult to think. As the morning light faded, the tightness in my chest intensified. The air pressed into me from all directions.
“I was talking about you and me,” he clarified in response to my unspoken question. “Which, now, is clear that you don’t recall this memory. However, your response is also one we’ve wanted to address.”
“W-what are you talking about?” My laugh was a weak, breathy chuckle.
“Your obsession with trying to fix me, which is a projection of your issues,” Miles said, his forehead furrowing.
His intense stare was too much to handle, and I shifted my gaze to my knees.
Despite getting the extra-thick fabric, the leggings were already worn in several places—probably because of the brutal use of the last few days.
I would need to get more of these pants. I would fill my closet with them—
“Are you trying to pretend this isn’t happening?” Miles’s voice was impossible to ignore, and I twisted my hands in my lap. “I’m not going to give up that easily.”
I wished he would.
“We need to find the others…” I muttered, pushing to my knees and pressing my fists into the dirt.
It was time to leave.
“They can wait.” Miles moved to his knees and grabbed my shoulders as he stopped my hasty retreat.
My heart fluttered dangerously as the warmth of his touch sunk into me, seemingly chasing away the air’s sudden bite.
Brown eyes flared and swirled with gold, and Miles’s—Tu’s—determination was unshakable.
“It’s not often I’m this close to the surface—and this is my job. ”
Job …
I sat back on my ankles. I was so tired of these random role delegations.
“You helped me last night.” He sighed. “Let me help you. You’ve been avoiding anything that might help you. You won’t even speak to the necromancer they assigned to you.”
Necromancer… Was he talking about Dr. Nam?
“I don’t need to talk to Dr. Nam,” I pouted. “I talked to Damen.”
“I have a suspicion about that, which I’ll get to in a moment,” he said. “Regardless, you’re not allowing yourself to feel anything.”
He was wrong. I was feeling quite a bit of anger right now. It flared through me, making my blood heat. My panic faded as red crept into my vision.
Miles—Tu—whoever he was… He had no right to tell me how to live my life. Everyone just needed to butt out. I’d been doing perfectly fine; in theory, even Mu said so himself.
Wasn’t it good enough? Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good morning?
I would have to make him drink more water so that he would pee out the rest of that garbage potion and go back to normal.
“It’s none of your business!” My nails dug into my palms. “It’s not like you know anything about me.”
“I know you well enough.” He crossed his arms. “Shui might support your endeavors, but I was the one you came to for advice. Don’t you want to talk to me anymore?”
“Of course!” My pulse echoed in my ears, panic and fury threatening to tear me into two.
“I’ve watched you try to meditate before sleeping the other night,” he continued. “A practice which, by the way, has never suited your personality. I can’t imagine why you’re studying it now. But it doesn’t matter. You’ll never succeed because you’re unable to be alone with your thoughts.”
My glare moved to the exposed part of his chest and neck, where his skin grew redder. That was the only indication of nervousness; nothing else in his posture indicated that he was feeling any remorse.
“What do you expect from me?”
“I want you to talk to me!” Miles’s tone had turned almost pleading. “What do you think you’re accomplishing by avoiding the subject? Why do you hide how you feel?”
“What’s the point ?” I snapped, the thin thread of my resolve finally snapping in two. “What does everyone want me to do, cry?”
“Well, that would be a start,” Miles replied. “Once you let it out, you can move on. That’s what allowed you to process your feelings regarding Finn, right? You’ve cried, and now you’re on your way to forgiving him.”
“What are you talking about?” How dare Miles make these assumptions—Finn was still very high on my list of people to maim. “Besides, Finn is different.”
There was no comparison between Finn and that .
“How?”
How could he ask that? I waved my hand in the air—it was impossible to talk through the emotion pressing tight against my chest. “Finn lied to me. He manipulated me. Our entire friendship was a sham.” I blinked back tears. “But his actions were never physical. Not like…”
I bit my lip and gestured towards myself. “I can’t change this. So what do you all want from me?”
“Shui told you.” Miles’s expression remained blank, though he tilted his head toward me. “We don’t want anything .”
“Don’t lie!” Why was he making me say it? “You can’t wait forever, and I can never be with any of you that way. There’s no way you could want that anyway. I’m disgusting. Do you know how old I was the first time I had sex?”
Miles’s eyes narrowed, and features darkened. “I—”
“I was almost six.” My breath hitched as I curled my fists against my chest. Darkness lingered on the edges of my vision, making it difficult to breathe.
“I…” I grabbed at my head, fingers tangling in my hair as I struggled to breathe.
“He—he was so much bigger than me. It—it hurt a lot. Then it didn’t stop—with different people. I don’t even know how many! T-then…”
My voice trailed off as a spasm recoiled through my nerves, and my breath hitched. As quickly as it came, my anger ebbed, and my limbs felt heavy. Nausea twisted in my stomach as I fell forward, pressing my palms into the dirt.
“I don’t want to think about it,” I whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it. You all act like I’ll magically get better, but I won’t.”
I wasn’t looking at Miles, but his voice held a compassionate, even tone when he spoke. “Are you done?”
I glanced at him, wiping my nose with my wrist. “W-what?”
Of all the possible reactions, this was the least I’d expected.
He’d crossed his legs and squared his shoulders as he peered at me. His hair had fallen over his brow, and his expression was still carefully closed even though the redness had crept over the rest of his neck and reached his ears. “I asked if you were done.”
“Um…” What was this reaction?
“Right now, you’re your own worst enemy,” he told me. “You’re not thinking logically—you’re not listening.”
I glared at him over my sleeve.
“Don’t give me that look.” He pointed at me. “Your emotions are the reason you can’t focus.”
I sucked in a breath.
“I’m going to emphasize, again , that we do not expect anything. I’m not an idiot. I am well aware of the implications of your past. I will not leave you regardless.”
I opened my mouth, but he silenced me with a sharp look. “On the other matter,” he said. “No matter what happened or whatever acts you were forced to participate in, none of us would ever think you are disgusting.”
My heartbeat was thundering, and I flushed, crossing my arms over my lower stomach. “But—but you can’t…”
I squeezed myself. They didn’t understand.
“Haven’t I already proven, just from your participation in my spell, that you’re still worthy?” he asked, and my throat closed. “The magic does not lie.”
“But…” The ground had fallen from under me. I was floating, and the only thing keeping me tethered was Miles’s voice and the weight of his gaze.