Chapter 9
BEASTY
Atlas gave Joaquin a meaningful look, then nodded. "Lake, that's our cue to leave."
Lake made an ugly noise in the back of his throat as he shook his head. "Yeah, okay. I need to check on something with Guy and call Sonia anyway."
They left after each dropping a kiss to my lips. At least they weren't so upset with me. I knew it was reckless, but damn it, I was tired of feeling like I didn't add any value to the group. Getting angry on their behalf was normal for me, it was easy.
So I defaulted to old Beasty. The one who wanted to fight everyone for their honor.
I chewed on my bottom lip as Joaquin lingered in front of the monitors. He knew they’d left, but he hadn't turned around.
Waiting, I pressed my toes into the ground, then my heels. Seconds stretched to minutes and he just stood there.
The continued silence was driving me crazy.
"Joaquin?" His name came out as a whisper, like I was scared.
He startled before spinning around so fast, I fell back a step.
"Beasty." His face screwed up as he closed the distance between us. "What the fuck is wrong with you!" he bellowed.
I jumped, the sharp pain in his voice stabbing through my heart.
Grabbing my shoulders, Joaquin shook me. His eyes bounced between my own like he could pull the answers from my soul.
My lips parted and my fight or flight instinct activated.
"What do you mean what's wrong with me?" I slammed my fists against his chest. Not hard, I wasn't trying to hurt him, but I needed an outlet for all this fucking pressure building inside my chest.
He gathered me up, hugging me so hard, I’d have bruises on my back.
"After what just happened, why would you go talk to a stranger—a stranger we told you we'd blackmailed in the past—without any of us with you!"
"I had Sarah!" I shouted back.
It didn't stop the guilt wriggling its way into my chest. I knew what he meant. I knew it then, and I'd done it anyway.
"Because..." I deflated. "I knew you'd stop me."
He gave me one more hard shake, his eyes pleading.
"Why? Why was that so important? Do you want to see us lose it?
If you're hurt again…" His top lip peeled up as the skin around his eyes tightened.
Joaquin was in physical pain. "Don't do that to us again.
I couldn't take it. I'm not like Lake or Atlas.
" His words cracked. "Kim and I? We're more alike than you think.
We spiral, Beasty. That's what we're good at, just in different ways.
Do you want to see me fuck my life up even more because I'm torn up with guilt over how our bullshit touched you?
Especially when it could have been avoided in the first place! "
I trembled in his hold, my eyes watering as my bottom lip quivered. I understood. I just had these thoughts pulling at my mind.
Damn it. I was letting my own insecurities get to me. "If Valencia had tried to hurt me, it wouldn't have been your fault." It was weak assurance, but I had to say it.
He barked out a laugh and stepped back. "Wouldn't it?
We hated how she was with Kim, so we found as much dirt on her as possible.
Did we use it to make her stop? Sure did, but we also used it to go one step further because we couldn't let it go.
We're fucked in the head, Beasty. You know that.
We can't handle thinking for a second that someone can have any power or leverage over us. "
Joaquin threaded his fingers behind his head as he gazed up at the ceiling, his breaths sawing in and out of his chest. "If she hurt you, it was because we made it so she wanted to hurt us.
If she hurt you, it's only because of your connection to us that she even knows you exist. I can't take that guilt, Beasty. "
I knew where he was going. And it wasn't fair.
This was after the basement all over again. I stomped closer, jabbing my finger to the ground. "We got over this, Joaquin! I choose to be here! You don't get to make this decision for me! Why are you going back there?"
"Because you were just in the hospital! Do you remember me crying over your limp body?" He dropped his head and his red-rimmed eyes made the brown appear almost black. His hurt seemed bottomless in his dark eyes.
My hand dropped as he pushed closer until his chest bumped mine, and his hands curled around my upper back, holding me to him in a grip that felt fragile and frightening at the same time.
"I can't take the guilt, Beasty!" One tear tracked down his cheek. "Please, just understand, it rips me up inside." He jerked me against him as if to punctuate his meaning.
That was the second time he mentioned it, and something about his tone made me think this wasn’t because of Valencia.
"What guilt?" I shouted, digging my fingers into his upper arms.
"I treated you like shit." He lost some of his steam as his voice softened. "I was angry with you, for no good fucking reason." His lips twisted in a sad smile. "No, I know why. You left us and it felt like you were spitting in our faces, like we weren't good enough for you or something."
"I never thought that," I whispered, moving my hands to his collar and fisting his dress shirt.
"I know that now. But how I treated you before…I justified it because I wanted to push you away. I thought—hell, I still think—you'd be better without us dragging you down. I can't take that back. I'm sorry for it, but I can't."
Understanding hit. He was pissed at himself for being a dick. "While I appreciate that—"
"Don't. Don't patronize me." His nose scrunched up as if I was treating this less seriously than it was.
"I'm not. Just listen. Please?" I lifted up to my toes and pressed a gentle kiss to his chin.
He sucked in a sharp breath. When he didn't try to argue with me, I continued.
"I'm not mad at you. I was before, but I understand it.
What matters to me is that you stop trying to make decisions for me because you think you know what's best. I want to be here.
I want to be with Kim, with Lake, with Atlas.
..With you." His pupils flared. "I don't care about how you treated me before because I knew it was coming from a hurt place, and then a caring place.
The important part is that you stop pushing me away going forward. "
I waited for him to say something. I'd had this conversation with each of the guys. All except Joaquin. They had accepted my place with them.
Would he?
He let his eyes fall shut as he steadied his breathing. His fingers twitched against my back and I could practically hear the wheels turning inside his head as he thought this out, the probabilities that I was telling the truth, the likeliness that what I said was right.
Winding my arms around him, I rested my forehead on his chin and waited it out. That was one thing I think I always knew about Joaquin. He liked to think things out. Maybe he even needed it.
"How can I forget when you keep throwing yourself stupidly into danger?" he asked like he was speaking only to himself.
I bristled. Well, too fucking bad. I was here, so he'd get an answer.
"Because we're all stupid from time to time. If you assholes get a pass, then I should too," I snapped. His lips twitched and some of my anger drained away. "It's true."
He opened his eyes and the only emotion was...I stopped breathing. Joaquin had never looked at me with this look before. This adoration.
"That's because we're idiots. You're not. Shouldn't you rise above us?" He was teasing me. It felt good.
I didn't try to stop the smile from surfacing. But after a second, I lost it. "What I did was stupid. I know that. Now more than I did then. All I can say is, she's a woman, I had Sarah, and it just didn't pose the same threat to me that a man would have."
Joaquin shook his head and some of his dark brown hair fell over his forehead, partially covering his eyes. "You don't know if security had been paid to help her cart you out the doors, or if she had a weapon, or any number of scenarios where it could have ended with you hurt."
I really hated it when they made sense. Cheeks burning, I nodded. "You're right."
He blinked. "I hadn't expected you to agree with me." With a fond smirk he said, "Atlas wouldn't. He'd just fuck with me for the audacity of being right. But he'd fuck me later. That's how Atlas apologizes. Not with his words but with his dick."
I burst out laughing. That didn't surprise me. Atlas seemed to use his cock in a multitude of ways. When he was angry, when his feelings were hurt, when he was feeling playful or sassy. It was like he'd use any excuse to fuck.
Joaquin released my back to cup my face. His gaze was searching as he seemed to be working himself up to something. "Beasty..."
"Yes?" I furrowed my brows at the sudden shift in mood.
"Will you promise to not dive into any unknown situations without one of us ever again?"
I took a beat, not because I needed to think about it. I'd done enough of that in the short walk from the security office to the conversation with Lake to last me a lifetime. Lake had a fantastic way of putting things in perspective for a person.
"I promise."
"Good." His hold tightened as he slammed his mouth on mine. I gasped and he swallowed the sound. His lips were hard yet soft, and his tongue plundered my mouth in a dance so sweet, I throbbed from the sudden assault.
He pulled back, chest heaving, with glazed eyes and darkened cheeks. "That's something Atlas and I have in common."
I didn't have time to fully register his words as he dove back in for another quick kiss. “When I'm sorry, the best way to apologize is with orgasms. As many as I can give you." His hands went to my ass as he lifted me up against him.
Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist, gripping his shoulders for support. This time, I stole a kiss. It was open-mouthed, wet, and glorious. Joaquin tasted like the most expensive liquor, like a winning night at the most outrageous clubs, and all the best feelings.
I was disoriented as he set me down, swaying on my feet.
He bent, whisking my pants and underwear off before setting me on the edge of the desk.
It was so fast, I didn't have time to think of anything as he gripped the inside of my thighs, pushing them wide and latching onto my clit with a vengeance.
He ate me out like I was his biggest bet, like his whole life depended on making me come.
His sinful tongue flicked and licked, and sucked in such a rhythm, there was practically no build up. Later, I'd be embarrassed about all the noises falling from my tortured throat. But right now, I gripped his hair, rode his face, and lost myself in the sensations.
That tight, twisting pleasure started in my core. With my legs shaking, I cried out, "I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming."
But Joaquin didn't stop.
He kept going. Same speed, same rhythm, same decadent torment. Before I knew it, another wave of ecstasy crashed over me. This time I didn't tell him, I couldn't.
My cries turned to whimpers and my grip on his hair pulsed in time with my aching pussy.
Goddamn.
I was exhausted.
Wrung dry.
Joaquin placed a kiss on my clit and pulled back.
His eyes had filled with desire and maybe a bit of happiness, taking over any darkness that had been in their depths as he watched me.
"This is a perk Atlas doesn't have. He can't come twice in a row like this.
..I think we'll be taking advantage of that. "
He grinned. It was so boyish, I was enamored with how it transformed his face.
Standing, he tugged his shirt out of his pants, then worked them open. His eyes never left mine, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to gaze into his or see the part of him that had been hidden from me until now.
His dick won out. All I could think about as he slowly pushed his pants down just enough to free himself, was that night I found him and Atlas in the kitchen. The two of them together in that perfect erotic picture. I'd never been so turned on in my life.
He pulled his hard cock out, giving it a stroke. The veins stood out against the angry red of his velvety skin. I'd never thought cocks were beautiful. Not Stevo’s, not from porn I'd watched late at night when I was all alone. But Joaquin's? All of the boys?
There wasn't an inch on them that wasn't a work of art.
When I met Joaquin's eyes, he didn't seem to be aware of any of the rambling thoughts racing through my head. Instead he stepped closer, resting one warm palm on the inside of my thigh as he swiped the head through my wetness.
My eyes fluttered shut. Such small points of contact, yet they were larger than life, all-consuming. I groaned.
"Are you ready?" He asked, voice gruff.
"Mmm." I nodded. I didn't think I had the capacity to give him words, too lost in the sensations of Joaquin's brand of lovemaking.
I expected him to thrust with a force that matched how he ate pussy, but he didn't. He slowly pushed in, making sure I felt each inch. He released himself, and cupped my neck. "Look at me."
I did. It was the best decision I'd ever made. The pleasure etched into his face was mesmerizing, knowing I was the one giving him this. He was lost in me.
With a sudden snap of his hips, he bottomed out with a soft groan. His fingers flexed and bit into my neck and thigh as he stayed still, letting me adjust. After a few tortuous heartbeats, he pulled back slowly, then thrust back in. Over and over he did this.
That fucking wave of pleasure started rising again. This time slower, but powerful nonetheless. Pressing his lips against mine, he breathed me in as he made love to me with such precision, I couldn't look anywhere else, think anything else, feel anything else except for him.
I closed my eyes, whimpering as he drank it all in. His rhythm picked up, and so did his own uncontrolled sounds as he throbbed, coming inside me.
Winding his arms around my back, he shuddered against me as we floated down together.
The door opened. I tried to cover up before realizing that Joaquin hid all the sensitive parts of me.
It didn't matter, though.
Atlas padded across the floor, phone in hand. "You're welcome for that. Next time, I better get an invite. Then he yanked Joaquin's head back by the hair so he could kiss me. He lingered, sliding his tongue across my bottom lip as if he loved my taste.
He turned to Joaquin, planting a hard kiss on him. Atlas groaned, slackening into Joaquin. "The taste of Beasty drives me fucking insane," he groaned.
I didn't have any spoons to be embarrassed. I only felt a warmth as Joaquin turned to me, cupping my face and looking deep into my eyes.
"I love you."