Chapter Thirty-Four #4
At this, I can’t say anything. My words turn into pinpricks and get stuck in my throat, and all I can do is stare at him with stinging eyes.
He shakes his head, looking over my shoulder.
“It never occurred to me. To honor her in that way. Never thought I could… I knew nothin’ would bring her back but I didn’t think there was a way to still keep her alive.
I thought I’d lost her and I know it sounds strange ’cause I never had her but…
Just the idea of her was so… real. So vivid and visceral that I…
I lost my head a little bit.” He narrows his eyes as he keeps going as if he can see something in the distance that no one else can.
“Can’t say I’ve ever been really good at usin’ my head.
I was always this way, but I guess it got really bad when my parents passed.
Ma was the only one I’d listen to, but when she was gone…
All of us boys got real rowdy. I regret a lot of things in my life. ”
His eyes come back to mine then. “You already know that. But the biggest regret I’ve got is what I did to you.
And I’m not talkin’ about what I did before, when I lied to you and”—his jaw clenches—“kidnapped you. I do regret that still, but I… I’m talkin’ about how I treated you when you told me.
You told me your feelings. You were so brave that night, standin’ there, bare body, bare soul and it…
It was the most stunning you’ve ever been.
Proud and vulnerable. Beautiful. So strong that it… ”
He pauses to put his hand to his chest, rubbing it a bit. I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it because his eyes once again have a faraway look, like he’s actually picturing me from that night.
“It makes my chest hurt,” he goes on, coming back to me again.
“It makes my whole body hurt, burn that I… I sent you away. Instead of gatherin’ you in my arms and giving you what you wanted: my truth.
At the time, I told myself that I was doin’ it for your own good.
I was pushin’ you away, tellin’ you to run, breakin’ your precious heart because that was the right thing to do.
And maybe it was because God knows, I haven’t really been a worthy man.
Not even before I got put away. I was an asshole.
I lied back then too. I used women. Never respected them enough to stick around.
I was selfish, had my fun and cut. But I’ve been doin’ some soul-searchin’ this past week and the complete truth is that you scare me.
You scared me when I’d only read your words and you scared me even more when I saw you in that white dress I told you to wear.
You made me feel too much. You make me feel too much.
With you, I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong.
I don’t know up from down. I don’t know if I should slow down or speed up.
I push you away but I don’t let go. I pull you closer but I’m afraid to hold on.
Everything about you scares me. Your strength, your bravery when I’ve always been a coward when it comes to emotions.
How you can be vulnerable when I don’t know how.
How you can fill all the empty spaces in my chest when I keep breakin’ your heart.
It scares me that you deserve so much more and so much better than me.
Than a hardened ex-con with a million regrets who only started breathin’ again when you made him.
When you filled his lungs with your buttercup scent.
When you filled his nightmares with dreams. When you got him to sleep. ”
His jaw clenches and his nostrils flare with a tough breath.
“I’ve got nothin’ to give you, only a bloody past and a prison record.
I don’t even know how to function in the outside world.
I can’t breathe with too many people around.
I can’t sleep without holdin’ you in my arms. I’m barely a man so it terrifies me to be standin’ here and tellin’ you this but you deserve to know.
You deserve to know that I love you. I’m in love with you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.”
He shakes his head, his eyes molten. “I don’t know anything about it, about this feeling.
I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to cope with it except when I think about my life, I think about you.
I think about makin’ you smile, makin’ you laugh.
Keepin’ you safe, protectin’ you, watchin’ over you.
I think about giving you your every wish, makin’ you happy.
Standin’ outside of your window to make sure you got to sleep okay.
Followin’ you wherever you go and standin’ guard so nothin’ bad ever touches you.
When I think about my life, I think about how you saved it.
And how the only way I can ever repay you is by living it.
Is by being alive, by keeping Rosie alive.
So I moved to Bozeman because I wanted to live and the only place I want to live is where you are. ”