37. It’ll be Fine
37
IT’LL BE FINE
CALEB
I was floating in an endless abyss. Back and forth. My body floated as if underwater.
Blurry vision appeared in front of me when I was a kid. My heart gave a lurch realizing what day that was. I was dressed in a black shirt and pants by grandma, Sean by my side as dad talked in a whisper with the guy at the church. Later, I’d realize that the mean uncle was called a priest.
“When will Mom come home?” I had asked innocently, almost bored, as I watched the young me scratch at his dark hair.
Sean ruffled my hair, a pained look in his eye and went over to talk to Dad, who looked meaner than ever. Dad was scary, but he had stopped smiling at me. I had asked him to play a video game with me the day before, and after one look from him, I realized I’d never ask him again because he was so mean and scary.
My grandma sat down in the pew as the priest walked towards young Caleb and even though I knew my brain was tormenting me with past memories, I clenched my hand, wishing I could protect myself from what he was about to say.
“You’re looking for your mother, Caleb?” He asked, his eyes smiling and voice old and kind.
“Yeah.”
Then I saw his eyes change, turn darker, and as his shadow fell over me, he leaned closer, towering over me and said, “Your mother is gone.”
“Gone where?”
His smile was twisted and even though my dad was scary and mean, I wanted to run to him, away from that man. “God needed her more than you, Caleb.”
I saw tears well up in my eyes, and I ran to Grandma, hiding my face in her lap. There was a commotion of my dad yelling at the priest and Sean trying to be a mediator and all of us rushing out of the church and never going back. Dad had bought me ice cream afterwards and played a video game with me.
I was a kid, so I didn’t understand what he meant, but how could God be so cruel that they’d need my mom more than me, more than my dad?
The vision blurred, and it was a funeral. I was at Emma’s mansion. Her mom had passed away. We were nineteen, still dating each other.
I was hiding upstairs in her pink and white room instead of holding her hand as she stuttered through her speech. I should have been a good boyfriend and held her close, but instead, I was having a panic attack.
“Fu— ck ,” I cursed, clutching my chest as I sat on the edge of the bed, quick breaths stuttering out of my parted lips.
My mom passed away when I was young, but I remembered her comforting embrace where I was the safest and no one could scold me or hurt me. And she was six feet under the ground.
Like Emma’s mom. Whose funeral was…
God needed her more than you, Caleb .
I choked.
Useless. Even your dad leaves you alone .
I tried to take deep breaths, scrunching the sheets underneath, but my eyes were tearing up and head felt dizzy. I could die, I realized, laughing at the back of my head.
Closing my mouth, I tried again, but panic seized my chest and I couldn’t move.
Until someone dark and blurry appeared in front of me. It was Aaron in a black suit. His voice was assuring, getting louder until his lips touched mine and everything went blank in my mind.
Even the voices quieted down.
I gasped into the kiss when I could finally breathe. I was about to pull away when the door opened, and Emma, my girlfriend at the time, found me kissing our mutual friend on her bed.
I had tried to make her understand, but she had moved on. No one knew about the panic attack except Aaron, and I had avoided him until we bumped into each other at university. By then, I realized I enjoyed kissing boys or even sleeping with them.
And now, I was going to die because I hadn’t protected Anna or Kyle better. I deserved it.
Maybe I could finally meet my mom and ask her if she was finally happy.
* * *
Kyle
My eyes were swollen and red. I stared at the grout between the tiles of the hospital floor. I had been staring for so long that my eyes were making rainbow-colored patterns until they jumbled together.
I looked up when I heard footsteps, nurses and doctors walking by in a rush in their scrubs. My phone vibrated in my pants, but I ignored it. I knew it could be from my office, Grandma Jem, or reporters. The latter I avoided since they wanted to know what had happened.
What the fuck had happened?
Everything was perfect. I was smiling from the car, looking at Caleb and Anna, wondering where we could go on a date that night. They were giggling, Anna kissing his nose, and it was fucking perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Until Caleb had embraced her with panic in his eyes as they both were pushed down on the asphalt with the explosion. Even I had hit my head on the window with my car beeping loudly.
My legs and hands were shaking when I called the ambulance. Anna was moving, but Caleb wasn’t. And blood—so much blood.
I cupped my mouth to hold back the coffee and blinked to clear my vision.
Three days had passed. Anna had woken up in four hours and she was recovering well from her concussion. She got lucky, the doctor had said.
Lucky, since Caleb received the full impact of explosion and got slammed on the rough floor.
“Kyle.”
I met her hazel eyes, dark circles underneath them, and stood up. Her hair was in a braid and a large bandage covered her forehead.
“You should be in bed,” I said, helping her sit down outside Caleb’s private room.
“I can’t rest,” she said, her voice shaky. “I can’t stop overthinking about?—”
I took her hand in mine, rubbing my fingers over her soft digits, noting the curve and dip. She was alive. Her skin was warm and nails were strong.
“It’s okay,” I lied without meeting her eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”
I knew it wasn’t going to be okay. We had been living in our private bubble for the few weeks we were dating. But I wasn’t being truthful with my grandma. She hadn’t told Aaron the truth about why we were together that morning and Caleb… only he wasn’t afraid of anything.
“We can see him,” I said, my voice weak.
Can I see him, though? I was afraid of what I might find. We hadn’t been allowed since we weren’t family.
“Once his dad comes out, we can see him,” I said, taking a deep breath and forcing a small smile at Anna. Her left elbow was bruised, and besides the concussion, she was recovering well. She would get discharged soon.
Her hand cupped my cheek, her thumb rubbing over the stubble I had been growing out since I didn’t care about shaving when my boyfriend was strapped in a hospital bed, not knowing if he’d ever wake up again and we’d get to see his pout or not.
“It’ll be fine,” Anna assured me, her eyes strong despite what had happened. “He’s strong and we will find out who did this.”
I nodded, closing my eyes as she kissed my forehead. I was going to give my statement to the police, but Cillian had stopped us. I told him everything, and he got Sean, who was a lawyer and his best-friend, when I gave my statement to the police.
Cillian hadn’t said much, but he was going to find out who did that to his son, and I trusted him more than the police with the case.
“You can see him.” We both turned to see Cillian walk out of the room, his face stoic but eyes gleaming. Emma, who was on a call at the end of the hallway, ended her call and rushed to her husband, squeezing his hand.
I stood up, taking Anna’s hand and made our way to the door.
“Wait,” Cillian said, and we stopped, looking at him. “He… Caleb…”
We waited, holding our breath as Cillian struggled with his words. “He’s dead.”