Chapter 36 #2
“I don’t understand! How have we not found her yet?! We can find anyone! Fucking anyone! Why not her?! WHY!” I kicked. I punched. I screamed bloody fucking murder, letting all my emotions out. And Aleksandr stood there the entire time, not moving a muscle. Just watching.
He knew the drill by that point. This wasn’t the first time, after all. Or the second. Or the third. Every time I came home empty-handed, every time I came home without Lyla, I lost the fucking plot, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
After the first time, when I’d completely destroyed the downstairs living room, Aleksandr made me promise to come to him.
Made me promise to find him, no matter where he was or what he was doing so he could be there to help me through it.
To help pull me back. But it was getting harder and harder to do.
“SHE’S MINE!” I grabbed a full bottle of vodka from the drink cart and pegged it at the wall. Then another. Then another. Glass smashed all over the room. “MINE! MINE! MINE! She belongs with me! ME! LYLAAAAA!”
I wasn’t sure how long that time lasted. Had to have been a while because by the time I had calmed down, I was entirely out of breath, and Aleksandr’s office was completely destroyed.
I leaned against the wall and crumbled to the ground, completely exhausted.
Aleksandr came over and sat down beside me. “Feel better?”
“No,” I breathed out. “Not even a little bit.”
He nodded as if he completely understood and placed a hand on my shoulder in comfort. “Did you find anything?”
I sighed. “I did get information on a new identity she could be hiding under. Nik is going to start looking for her. Hopefully, something comes up.”
“You don’t sound optimistic.”
That was because I wasn’t. Months of zero leads weighed on my mind. I didn’t have high hopes, but that didn’t mean I would give up. If it took the rest of my life to find her, then so fucking be it.
“I won’t rest until I have her back.”
He patted me on the shoulder. “Neither will we. I know this is difficult for you, but just know we’ve got your back.
Lyla proved herself by saving you over her own brother—a decision that no doubt would have been incredibly hard for her to make.
Who her family is doesn’t matter. The only thing that does is that she makes you happy.
Nik already sent the details to me. Same for Illayana and our contacts. Don’t worry, we’ll find her.”
I truly hoped so.
We sat there in silence for a moment, me consumed by my emotions and Aleksandr just there, a strong, unmovable, calming presence.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I’m proud of you. The work you did with Sergei was exceptional,” he said, voice soft.
I exhaled. I knew it was coming, and still, his words helped break through some of the anger still lingering in my bones. He was trying to help me forget by switching the subject—something he always did—and I appreciated the attempt.
We’d long ago resolved our issues. After he and the rest of the family had come to Russia, we’d spoken in depth about what happened before I’d left. He’d even taken it a step further and apologized—something my older brother was not known to do often.
“Told ya. Not just a pretty face,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood, lighten my soul, but it didn’t work.
Nothing would work until I had Lyla back with me. I was sure of it.
“I’m serious, Lukyan, and I’ll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe me.
What you did, what you accomplished was nothing short of genius.
For months, we were hearing chatter that Sergei’s shipments were being intercepted.
That someone was fucking with him. But we had no idea who.
It was brilliant, targeting him through his business.
It put him on edge. Made him even more paranoid and suspicious of everyone around him.
It resulted in him making mistakes he never would have made otherwise.
Why didn’t you tell anyone about your plan? ”
I avoided his gaze. Telling him the truth was the best course of action.
I’d been lying so much over the past two years.
I didn’t want to lie anymore. I wanted to be honest, and have him finally see me.
“I didn’t think you’d agree with it. I thought you’d tell me it was a shitty plan and to drop it.
No one ever takes my suggestions seriously. ”
Pain flashed in his eyes. “I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry you not only felt like you couldn’t come to me, but that I also wouldn’t listen to you. You didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve for me to treat you that way, and I’m sorry.”
I could see how guilty he felt, and I hated it. “Zander, you’ve already apologized. A bunch of times. You don’t have to keep doing it.”
“Yes. I do.” He said it adamantly. With complete conviction.
As if he believed it with his entire heart and soul.
“You were right. For years, I’ve treated you like you can’t be trusted to handle the important shit, and I never should have done that to you.
You had every right to put me in my place before you left.
Just because we convey ourselves in different ways doesn’t mean you aren’t as smart or as serious as the rest of us.
You shouldn’t have had to, but you proved yourself over there.
With your plan, you took down our biggest, toughest enemy, and you did it all by yourself, with no help from any of us.
Fuck, we didn’t even know about it until after the fact.
You proved us all wrong, and I want you to know that I couldn’t be more proud and honored to call you my brother. ”
Damn it. “Well, here come the fucking waterworks.” Not really.
But tears were definitely gathering in my eyes.
He would never know how much his words meant to me.
All I’d ever wanted was for my family to see me and accept me for who I was.
To value my skills and what I could bring to the table without criticism or judgment.
It was a day I never thought would come, and yet, here it was. The moment I had been waiting years for. And while I felt ecstatic at finally hearing my older brother saying he was proud of me, I couldn’t enjoy it. Not really. Because I wanted Lyla there with me.
I leaned over and hugged him. He stiffened for the briefest moment, taken slightly by surprise, but then relaxed and embraced me back.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I appreciate it.”
He cleared his throat before leaning back. “Of course. I’m only saying what I should have said years ago.”
“Still. It’s nice to hear it.”
His head tilted to the side in assessment. “Lyla still on your mind?”
Always.
I just simply nodded.
“We’ll find her,” he said again, determination in his voice. “I promise you, we’ll find her.”
Her face appeared in my mind, the ache in my soul almost excruciating. Where are you, baby? Where are you?