Chapter 24 #2
“Let’s call it a matter of professional diligence.
No. Professional devotion. That’s a better word,” Claudio let out a puff of air.
“It wouldn’t be fair to you to drag you into any of it.
I wouldn’t do that to someone I hated. I definitely don’t hate you.
And there are other complications. Especially when I don’t actually have a clue what I want. Or what you want.”
It did not clarify whether they were talking about friendship or about something else one bit.
Except that it did. Claudio had said, clearly, that he liked his time with Matthew.
Matthew liked time with Claudio. That part was apparently basic maths.
They could work their way up to more complex ones in time if they chose to.
“Well,” Matthew hesitated, then he carefully reached out to rest his fingers against Claudio’s hand, the same way Claudio had a fortnight ago.
Lightly, they both knew Claudio could pull his hand away easily if he wanted to.
There was a tiny jerk, an uncontrolled movement from someone who kept himself under strict limits.
But then he deliberately relaxed his hand, letting it rest on his leg.
Under Matthew’s fingers. “How about I talk about what I want? What I might want, too. So you have that shape in your head to think about.”
He waited. There was complete stillness for about ten seconds, then Claudio nodded slightly.
“Please?” His voice didn’t quite crack at the end.
He wasn’t so far gone as that. Though Matthew added getting him to that point, seeing all that careful control gone, to a list of things he wanted but was certainly not going to name right now.
Not directly. It would absolutely scare Claudio off. Maybe Matthew, too.
“Things I know I like. You. The way you go at the world, the tenacity. Wanting to improve things, but also being so certain they can be improved. That improvement— no. Optimism is possible. That there’s something brighter ahead, if we reach for it.
” Something in that set of words made Claudio’s mouth twitch, but he didn’t argue or interrupt. “I love—”
He caught himself saying the word, but it was true, and he was applying it to something that he didn’t think Claudio would mind.
“I love sitting and talking with you. At the pub. Here, if you turn out to like here. Just being together, wandering over a dozen topics, some shallower glances, some deeper. Mostly deeper. You like the depths. You don’t ignore what’s in them.
I don’t think you can.” Something in that got the same reaction.
There was the twitch of the smile, something Claudio didn’t show most people.
“And what does that mean about anything else?” Claudio spoke carefully now, far more slowly than he usually did.
“I’d like to think of a time when we get more hours together.
Enough that we could be somewhere— here, somewhere else where it’d be fine— just doing things in the same room.
The luxury of that time. Knowing there’d be more later, too.
” It was one he’d never had with a partner, not for more than an hour now and again.
Certainly not one he’d had with a friend he truly trusted in more than a decade.
“I’ve tried not to think too much about other things in private.
It seems rude to. Not knowing what you might want. ”
“I have no idea, honestly.” Something in that was entirely dry and sharp.
“My marriage didn’t go in for pleasure much, and I’ve not done— well, much of anything outside of it.
” His mouth twitched slightly. “I rather horrified Cammie at one point when she realised I’d never had a fumble in a broom closet.
Nothing, um. With that much urgent desire in it, certainly. ”
Matthew swallowed hard. He could feel his fingers shift on Claudio’s hand. “That is not discouraging me from wanting to provoke that sort of desire. Just so you realise. See if it’s something you like. I’d stop, of course, if you didn’t.”
“Aren’t we back to whether it’s ethical or kind to do that to you?
Or let you do that?” Claudio took a deep breath.
“Not something I’m going to solve today, all right.
Though I’m glad you’ve said this. Having it out is a help.
I look forward to Tuesdays after the meeting.
Just a space to talk. My friends are grand, but seeing you is like seeing them.
Space where I can breathe, expand, just be without expectations. I’d like more of that.”
His voice caught for a second, and he swallowed, and then went on, with barely a pause.
“There are a number of bits that are specific to you, and you’re right, you enjoy the administrative puzzles more than they do.
More of the quiet, too. You’re right about how precious that is.
I’ve had enough to know it and greedy enough to want more of it.
If my life will settle down. I don’t think it’s going to, though. ”
Matthew nodded slowly. “Is there a time frame for the particular sort of chaos? Professional devotion beyond the parts you already know about?” Maybe having an idea of how long would be a help. Matthew was flailing a bit now.
“End of the summer. By the first of September, I should have a much better idea of what’s going on there.
” Naming it seemed good for Claudio, too.
“Is that too much of a bother? I’d entirely understand if you didn’t want to deal with that sort of foolishness.
” He caught himself on the last word, as if it meant something particular.
“I would rather give this— whatever we’re doing— a try than not, thank you. You’ll tell me more if and when you can, right?” Matthew said that carefully. He didn’t want to press Claudio into a promise he couldn’t actually keep.
“If I can. Some of it will be obvious?” Claudio seemed to be feeling his way through it. “So. Um.” He glanced around. “Look, now I’m intensely curious about your books. You can tell so much about someone by what they’ve got out. I don’t want to be rude, but I want to know that about you.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a swot?
” Matthew laughed. “Go ahead and look. Let me go see about drinks, all right?” Both of them needed a breather from the utter intensity.
He thought they’d said all that was sensible to say right now.
Going at it more wouldn’t help, and it might hurt them both.
That Claudio had agreed that this was something he enjoyed was far more than Matthew had ever expected to get.
He would not let himself get greedy and spoil everything.