9. Jace #2
“It’s not like you don’t sit at a desk and watch film and shit all the time,” he deadpans, as if that makes perfect sense.
“Yeah—After I’ve been out filming it. I don’t… Hey, what if you film the kids who come to train? It could be a teaching tool and a souvenir.”
“Ooh, that’s good. Maybe you can even teach some kids how to film if they’re interested in that.”
“That’s good, too,” I agree. “But I’m not a desk guy. I don’t do legal shit and I sure as hell don’t do numbers. You gotta hire someone for that. ”
“Fine, but you already do all the scheduling with sponsors and manage the logistics of moving the crew from event to event, so can’t you do stuff like that for the kids?
” His puppy dog eyes had a greater impact on me when we were younger, and I sort of considered him my first guy crush, but even though he’s more brother than friend now I still can’t say no to the fucker, and he knows it.
I rub my hand over my face with a pained groan. “I really should make you do this yourself but since I have a feeling you don’t know what you don’t know, I’ll stick around and help you figure it out. For now.”
The grin that spreads across his face rivals the one he wore when he won his last competition. This must really mean a lot to him.
Axel holds his fist out for me to bump it. “It’s a good idea though, right? We can retire from biking without retiring from biking.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that I could stay filming in the industry a lot longer than he could stay riding in it. Instead, I say, “Yeah. It’s a good idea.”
***
After telling Blake about my day, and how I’m going to stay at least for a little while to see what sort of potential is in this bike training thing, I bury myself inside him until we’re both sated and spent. That’s when Axel’s warning about secrets impacting my life comes back.
I meant what I said about not rushing Blake into exposing a side of himself he’s not ready for other people to know about.
No matter how much you speculate or try to predict the outcome, you can never really anticipate how people will react.
There’s a certain comfort in never having to find out what the reality would look like.
And if the reality that follows him revealing his truth isn’t what he expected…
Well, I’d hate for him to feel like he was forced into coming out and regret it.
I won’t be that guy. But given how easy things seem between us, I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I’m Blake’s dirty little secret, either.
While I may not be shouting about my sexuality from the rooftops, that doesn’t mean I’m hiding or ashamed of it.
I don’t make it a point to label myself when the people I sleep with have no bearing on who I am as a person, but if anyone does label me, I’m comfortable with that.
It doesn’t change who I am or how my closest friends and family see me, but that’s because I don’t have secrets from them.
Back when I was in Blake’s shoes, I remember feeling uncertain.
I had to work up to a point where I felt ready to come out, and until I got there myself, nothing anyone said or did would have altered the timeline.
Just like with any other big change in life, the only person who can tell you you’re ready for it is you.
I know that better than anyone. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the idea of trying to date someone you can’t acknowledge you’re dating.
I’ve heard horror stories about that; one guy being out while the other is still in the closet.
The sneaking around, the lies that inevitably come with the secrecy, it wears on you, spoiling everything.
That alone should be a red flag with Blake, but I don’t want to stop this before knowing if it could be genuine.
Not when I feel a connection to him unlike anything I’ve experienced with another man.
That said, I have no desire to live in the shadows.
I’m willing to do it up to a point, if only to see how real this can be.
But I’d need to know there’s an end in sight.
Knowing why he’s still in the closet—the real reason, not just the label thing—would go a long way towards making me feel comfortable with his secrecy .
“Can I ask you a question?” I prop myself on an arm so I can face him lying next to me.
“Sure.”
“Why do you really keep your interest in guys private?”
A tiny line appears between his brows. “I told you, people talk in a small town, and I don’t want the extra attention.”
“Yeah.” I brush a strand of hair away from his face, something I can’t seem to stop myself from doing. “But you also talk about how much you love this place and the people here, and I’m not really following how you can feel at home here and not be yourself at the same time.”
Blake chews on his lip while staring at the ceiling for so long I start to think he won’t answer. Then he takes a deep breath. “I’m not afraid of people in general knowing I like guys, I’m afraid of the ones closest to me knowing.”
“The ones closest to you… like your parents?”
“For starters.”
“Are they homophobic?” I force my voice to stay level, curious instead of condescending, even though my instinct is to sneer.
“I don’t think so…” Blake trails off, chewing on his lip until he finds the words to finish the thought.
“But they’ve always talked about my future as if I’m straight.
My mom especially. She’s always wanting to know if I met a nice girl; hoping my future wife and I will settle here instead of moving away even though it’s getting harder to make a living in this town; talking about being a grandma one day.
It feels sort of expected that I find a woman. ”
“How come you never corrected her when she’d talk about your future?” I try to uncover the root of his fear.
“Well.” His arm muscles twitch as he makes a fist in the comforter.
“I realized at a pretty young age I was different from the other boys, and I didn’t want to be, so I just kept quiet.
I think I believed it might go away when I grew up, and when it didn’t…
There have always been more guys than girls in this town, so it was pretty easy to dismiss comments about finding a nice girl by saying there weren’t any.
And since there hadn’t been any gay guys around either, I figured there was no point in having a conversation about something that probably wouldn’t happen.
It just seemed easier to say there wasn’t anyone special and move on. ”
I link my fingers with his and rest them on the mattress between us, mostly to reassure him that I’m not judging, but also to give me time to choose the right words. “You haven’t described anything that makes me think they wouldn’t accept you.”
“Except the fact that they expect me to find a woman and have kids. They might not reject me over being gay, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t crush their dreams of seeing me get married and have kids.”
“You can do those things with a man.”
“I—I mean, I guess I could.” Blake furrows his brow, almost as if that hadn’t occurred to him before.
“And don’t you think your parents would want you to be with a person that makes you happy, regardless of who that person is?”
“I hope so.”
“Maybe you should give them a chance.”
Blake worries his lip. “What if they’re hurt or upset I didn’t tell them sooner?”
Nothing Blake’s said so far makes me think his fears about coming out are justified, except for this.
I came out at fifteen, and even though that was a long time ago, I remember how carefully I guarded my secret before then.
How ingrained it became for me to hide the part of me that was different.
Blake’s gotta be pushing thirty, so it’s probably a lot harder to come to terms with letting go of the fears and habits he’s developed to protect himself.
“They could be.” I’m not going to lie to him and pretend that’s not a possibility. “But nothing you’ve said about them gives me the impression they’d reject you for that.”
“Yeah.” Blake agrees halfheartedly, which triggers another thought.
“You said for starters. Are there people besides your parents you’re worried about coming out to?”
Blake traps his lips between his teeth for a beat before nodding his head almost imperceptibly. “Ryder.” He exhales heavily. “We’ve grown apart over the last few years, but there was a time where we were inseparable, so I’m sure he’ll be hurt when he learns I kept this from him. Especially now.”
“Why now?” I brush that stubborn lock of hair away from Blake’s forehead.
“Ryder’s brother is—was—gay.” The words are spoken so softly I have to strain to hear them. “I didn’t know that until after he died, Ryder kept his brother’s secret locked tight, but I never gave him the chance to keep mine.”
The impact of those words makes it hard to breathe as the full picture comes into focus.
Sure, worrying about how his parents and the parents of the kids he coaches will react are valid reasons for anyone to take their time coming out, but if Blake’s also worried about adding to Ryder’s burden…
That’s a heavy weight to carry. Heavier than I was anticipating.
“You probably think I’m being ridiculous, staying in the closet this long.” Blake absently runs his thumb over my finger.
“I think you’re the only person who knows when it’s the right time to come out. ”
“But you’d prefer me to do it sooner rather than later, right? That’s the point of this conversation?”
Blake’s voice rises a few octaves as his hazel eyes meet mine, and I figure if he’s brave enough to look at me even though he’s afraid of the answer I owe him nothing less than the truth.
“I’d prefer knowing you don’t intend to stay in the closet forever. I understand if you’re not ready, and I don’t mind waiting, especially now that I understand how Ryder factors into this. I can handle keeping this quiet for now, I just don’t want to do that indefinitely.”
“That’s fair.” Blake’s voice is so soft it’s nearly a whisper. “I mean, I always figured when—if—I found the one I’d come out for that person, so maybe I should—"
“ The one ,” I repeat his words. “You think…”
“No. No! That’s not what I meant. It’s too soon to say something like that, obviously, it’s just—” his cheeks turn an adorable shade of pink “—you’re the only person I’ve been with more than once.
The only person I’ve thought about having more with.
” His eyes dart bashfully to mine before focusing back on the ceiling.
“Really?” I bite my lip to stop myself from smiling. “No one else?”
“There was one guy who I thought maybe I had a connection with… I haven’t seen him since, though. What about you?” Blake wets his lips nervously.
“Same as you, really.” I trace his collarbone with my fingertip.
“Well, not the going back for seconds part. I’ve had a few repeat encounters.
But as far as feeling a connection with someone there was one man who made a lasting impression, and I always hoped I’d see him again one day, but I haven’t.
I was starting to think I’d never feel drawn to someone like that again, until I met you. ”
His cheeks flush the most beautiful shade of pink all over again .
“I’m really glad you’re here,” Blake says as my fingers trail over his skin. “But, I understand if this isn’t what you want. Being with me when I’m not out.”
“Like I said, I’m willing to see where this goes.” I plant a soft kiss on his lips, hoping to reassure him that I’m still in this, even if it has to stay secret for now. “So, we’re going with roommates?”
Blake cracks a relieved smile. “Yeah. When do you move in?”
“Next week? I don’t have much but it’s all in my trailer, which is still parked near our last event in New Mexico. I’ll have to drive there and… Shit.” I flop back on the pillow, overwhelmed with the logistics of settling down.
“What?” Blake reaches for my hand.
“I have no idea what to do with my trailer. I’m usually always in it so I don’t have a place to store it.
Even if I did, it’s where I keep all my camera equipment, so I don’t want to just leave it anywhere.
” There’s also the issue of whether I’ll even need it going forward if Axel retires and we stop traveling the country for events.
Not that his retirement automatically triggers mine, but if this new idea he has pans out and I stay here…
“Couldn’t you park it at Axel’s place? He’s got a lot of land, right?” Blake’s question saves me from spiraling too deep in my head.
“That’s a thought. It’d be close enough I could have access to any camera stuff I need but still be out of the way since the property is so big. I could get it and be back within a week.”
Blake gives my hand a squeeze. “I’d offer to help but my new boss is due in at the end of the week, and I assume we’ll jump right into work. I need to be here for that.”
“You definitely shouldn’t miss your new boss. And I’ll probably get back faster if you aren’t slowing me down. ”
“How would I slow you down?” Blake’s mouth parts in astonishment, and even though it’s not meant to be sexy it makes my mind wander to where else I’d like to see his mouth.
“By looking so fucking hot I can’t concentrate.” I rub my thumb over his plump lip.
“When you put it that way.” He sucks my thumb between his lips, waking my spent cock, and uses the rest of the night to give me a proper sendoff.