24. Jace #4
A sharp rap on the door interrupts my pity party, and I cautiously sit up, wondering if that knock was real or imagined since no one has ever come by before. Then it sounds again, more urgent this time, and a strained voice seeps through the cracks.
“Kane? We’re here, and we only need a minute. Please, will you open the door?”
I’m not ready to face them. Not with puffy eyes, a runny nose, and enough humiliation to make my face even more pink than my hair. But living in employee housing means this place is full of employees—my co-workers—who absolutely do not need to know the depths of my depravity or delusions .
Moving swiftly to the door, I open it just wide enough that they don’t have to shout through it.
“Oh, thank God,” Blake exhales. “We know you might not be ready to hear it, but when you are, there’s a lot we have to say.” He licks his lips nervously. “About the three of us.”
Next to him, Jace shuffles from one foot to the other. “We just needed you to know that. So, please, before you tell us to fuck off, please let us tell you everything. When you’re ready.”
I’ve never seen either of them so distressed before, and despite the fact that they deserve to grovel for a lot longer, my soft heart hates seeing them this way, even after what they did.
Plus, if I let myself stew over what I saw, there’s a good chance I’ll never be ready to hear what they have to say, which means I’ll never get the answers I deserve.
I open the door wide enough for them to pass through, and with a startled glance at each other, they do.
Closing the door, I spin to find Jace’s hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets, while Blake wrings his in front of him. Keeping my face carefully blank, I walk to the couch and sit down, each of them taking a seat next to me.
Blake reaches for me but freezes his arm before he can make contact, dropping his elbows to his knees and twisting his fingers together. I arch my eyebrow, waiting.
“I uh…” he starts. “As you already know, I’m in the closet.
Or I was, until this morning. It’s not something I’m ashamed of, although I was willing to take the easy way out by not saying anything until I met the person I wanted to spend my life with.
” His eyes dart briefly to Jace, I assume since I heard them confessing their love earlier, before coming to rest on me.
Blake licks his lips and continues. “I never expected to find that person. Not here. Even after some of my friends came out, I didn’t hold out any hope that I’d find someone myself, so when Jace moved here and I had a reason to come out, I wasn’t totally ready to do it.
Plus, my friend Ryder lost his brother a few months ago, and it wasn’t until after he passed that we learned he was gay.
I’ve been sort of dreading having to tell Ryder I like men since I kept that secret because of my fear over whether he’d accept that about me, and now I come to learn he had more reason to support me than I gave him credit for. ”
“Baby.” Jace blinks back tears I didn’t know he was capable of shedding, which makes me think he either didn’t know that about Blake, or didn’t know the extent of Blake’s pain. It might make me a jerk, but it’s oddly comforting to know I’m not the only one learning new things today.
Blake wipes his own eyes with the back of his wrist before waving Jace off and continuing.
“The point is, I spent years believing silence was the best solution, so it was familiar to keep my feelings about Jace a secret. Even from you, since I thought you might not let yourself explore the feelings I could tell you had if you thought you’d be coming between us.”
Wait—Is he trying to justify sleeping with me despite loving Jace?
“I’ve been out for a long time.” Jace bounces his leg as his gaze darts from it to me.
“Out as bi, I mean, and I was always pretty open to the idea that I might one day find a man—and another man or woman—I wanted to be with. It’s not something I sought out, but if I let myself daydream about my future that’s what it looked like.
I connected with Blake right away, and I moved here knowing he could be that man.
Wanted him to be, actually.” Jace shoots Blake a sheepish smile before focusing his gaze on me.
I spin to see Blake’s reaction and find him nodding solemnly. “Great. You two are in love. Is that supposed to make me feel better about sleeping with you? You weren’t cheating on each other or anything since you were both there?”
“No, it’s…” Jace scrubs a hand down his face.
“Let me finish. I found Blake, and things were going really good. Great actually. I didn’t think they could be any better.
Then you got here, and suddenly that future daydream I’d always had in the back of my mind started to feel like it could be real.
The thing is, I’d been part of a relationship like that before.
I was the third to a married couple, and on the one hand it was perfect since there was so much affection and respect between everyone, but on the other it was awkward because they’d been together for a while and had their own routines and shit, and I didn’t know where I fit.
They did their best to make me feel like an equal, I just always felt like I was taking cues from them about how to act rather than just being myself.
Looking back, I wonder if that’s because they weren’t the right fit for me, but at that time I attributed my feelings to the fact that I was an addition to their relationship, not a core part of it.
Not from the start anyway. So, when you got here and Blake and I both wanted to date you, I didn’t want to put you in a spot where you might feel like an addition.
Since we’d both already had a sexual relationship with you, I convinced Blake that was a good place to start. ”
“But sex was only supposed to be the way we approached wanting more, because we thought asking you to date both of us at once might send you running the other direction.” Blake jumps in. “We never meant to imply that’s all we wanted.”
So, sex was a way to lead into me being their boyfriend?
It pains me to admit, but their logic isn’t as backward as it sounds.
If they led with dating, I would’ve scoffed and told them they were crazy.
By leading with sex, they made things casual enough to be comfortable, and opened the door for my feelings to grow.
Understanding their motives doesn’t mean I agree with them though.
They still manipulated me, however innocent their intentions may have been in their minds.
They used sex to drive my feelings and hid the fact that they were together all along.
Even though I was starting to wonder if there was a way I could avoid having to choose between them, learning of their deception, that I’m the add-on to their couple, is a hard pill to swallow.
“How long did you plan to keep me in the dark?” I shift my gaze between them, waiting for someone to speak.
“Today. We wanted to talk to you today. What you walked in on…” Jace starts. “I realize how this is gonna sound, but the truth is after last night we were so happy. We were so sure you’d want to date us… the moment overtook us.”
I can’t help it. I snort.
“Told you,” he mumbles. “But even though that moment didn’t involve you specifically, you were still part of it.
I hope you’ll always be part of it. Just like Blake was part of the moment between the two of us when you came over after work that day.
He wasn’t physically there, but it was what happened between the two of you at lunch that set things in motion.
And when he got home, didn’t you feel how much he liked seeing us together?
That’s what Blake and I mean when we say we want to date you.
We want the three of us to be together, but in those moments where you’re with one of us separately, that makes us just as happy. ”
“We should have told you this sooner.” Blake runs a hand through his already ruffled hair “It’s my fault we didn’t.”
“Ours,” Jace interrupts. “I was the one projecting my issues onto you two,” he insists.
“I think we’re both guilty of that.” Blake turns his humble gaze to me.
“You’re new to town, you’ve got a new job, and I know those things are challenging enough without adding us to the mix.
” He draws a line between him and Jace. “I wasn’t sure you’d jump at the chance to go public about dating two guys.
And selfishly, that let me hide who I am a little longer, while I tried to wrap my head around my feelings. ”
“What’s there to wrap your head around? I heard you say you love Jace.”
“I do. But he’s not the only one.” The corner of Blake’s lip tips up in a bashful smile.
“That’s what we’re trying to tell you, sweetheart.
” Jace cups his hand around my neck and strokes my cheek.
“We love you, too. Blake and I may have started out as a couple, but once we discovered that we’d both been with you, and we both felt drawn to you the same way we did to each other…
The connection Blake and I have is the kind of thing you’re supposed to feel only once in a lifetime, but we both feel that connection to each other and to you.
There was never a doubt that the three of us belong together.
We just didn’t know how to express what you mean to us, and we let sex be the cop out until we thought you were ready to hear the truth. ”
“You wanted this to be more than sex all along?” My heart beats erratically in my chest, not sure how to interpret this news.
“We thought we might scare you off if we told you how serious we are about you.” Jace reaches for my hand, and though I’m still leery of what they’re saying, I let him take it.
“Our feelings for you were pretty intense right from the start. And by the start I don’t mean when you moved here, I mean when we first met you. ”