Chapter 27
Frankie
A s much as she hated to admit it, she’d obviously needed the nap. After the emotional turmoil of the past few days, she was more drained than she was willing to admit, especially to Holden. If he knew half of what she’d been dealing with…
The temptation to tell him everything, to lay it all at his feet was strong. Was that love? Or was that just her being a needy, selfish bitch again?
Because she still didn’t know, she pushed the question to the back of her mind, where her subconscious would hopefully manage to work it out for her before she had to really think about it again. After a quick check of the time to make sure she’d been in bed for the required hour—thirty minutes over, as it turned out—she made her way back downstairs to Holden’s office.
He was still at his computer, a frown on his lips as his eyes scanned the documents taking up both oversized screens in front of him. Was he reading up on Cordelia’s cult? Or was there some other threat to some other client he had to stay one step ahead of?
How much of his day did he devote to taking care of other people, before he came home to take care of her? A pang hit her, right in the middle of her chest, as she considered for the first time how much energy and time he devoted to keeping other people safe.
Even though she crossed the room without making a single sound, he still turned to face her as she approached, whatever worry he’d been carrying a moment ago clearing from his face as he smiled at her.
“Did you have a good nap?”
Hoisting herself up onto his lap, she wrapped her arms around his neck, closing her eyes as she breathed in that deep, woodsy scent that was so uniquely him. “Mmm. Yes. Thank you for making me rest.”
Beneath her cheek, his chest rumbled with laughter. “That may be the first time you’ve ever thanked me for making you do anything.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Drawing on what little bit of courage she possessed, she lifted her head to meet his dark gaze. “I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You saved me, and I’m sorry I’ve been too self-absorbed to thank you properly.”
Lifting a hand, he cupped her face, and she nearly sighed at that gentle touch. Everything about him seemed designed to soothe or arouse her, depending on his intentions. “You don’t have to thank me.”
“I do. I don’t know where I would have ended up if you hadn’t come when I’d called you from the hospital.” She needed him to know that, even if she couldn’t bring herself to lay all her troubles at his feet. At the very least, she needed him to know how grateful she was for everything he’d done to keep her safe, both from her circumstances and from herself, directly.
But instead of the understanding she’d hoped to find in his gaze, she found only what looked like worry. “You would have figured it out. You’re smart and resourceful, Francesca. With or without me, you’d be fine.”
Well, whatever response she’d been expecting, that sure as hell hadn’t been it. “Why are you being so… whatever this is?”
He glanced away, and for a moment she was certain he wasn’t going to tell her. But then he sighed, pulling his hand away from her cheek to run it through his hair. “Because I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
“Trapped? Why the hell would I feel trapped?”
“Maybe that’s not the right word.” When his gaze returned to hers, her heart ached at the pain there in the dark depths. “I came for you because I love you. But I never want you to feel like you owe me for that.”
Where the hell had that come from? No matter, wherever he’d gotten that idea from, it was one she was happy to put to rest. “You have never once made me feel like I owe you anything for rescuing me. If anything, you’ve made it abundantly clear that we can’t be together, not for real, until you’re certain it’s one hundred percent because I want this. And I know I’ve been a bit of a bitch about that, but I do know how much of a sacrifice that is for you. And I know you’re doing it because, once again, you’re determined to do what’s best for me. Even if it hurts you.”
“I’m not quite that selfless.” The corners of his lips curved up in a sad smile. “I want to be sure, for myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if you’re just with me because you didn’t have any other options or out of some strange sense of obligation.”
“I mean, same, really. You’re so focused on saving me right now, sometimes I wonder…” Breaking off, she shook her head. “Never mind. It’s not important.”
“Francesca. I know I said you wouldn’t provoke me into spanking you, but if you don’t finish that thought I will put you over my knee right now and make good use of the paddle I keep stored in my desk drawer.”
Need, hot and sudden, pulsed through her core, and part of her was tempted to put his threat to the test.
But this was too important a conversation to play games with, so she dragged in a breath and forced herself to say the words. “Sometimes I wonder if you’ll get… bored, I guess?”
“Bored?” Throwing his head back, Holden let out a laugh so loud it echoed off the walls around them. “Frankie, I’ve been many, many things during our time together. But boredom has never entered the picture.”
“No, but that’s my point.” Suddenly feeling urgent to make him see, to make him understand, she shifted to straddle his thighs, her hands braced on his shoulders as she stared into those dark eyes. “You're not bored because you have a purpose . What happens when I don’t need you to save me anymore? What happens when I’m just some woman in your bed and not a princess in need of saving?”
“Oh, baby.” Now he cupped her face with both large hands and something inside her settled almost instantly. “You could never be ‘just some woman’ in my bed. I didn’t fall in love with you because you needed me to rescue you.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. I fell in love with you the first moment I laid eyes on you. So full of life and excitement and mischief in that club. And I knew from the first time I tasted you that I’d never be able to live without you. Even if you never need me again, Francesca, I need you like I need the fucking air I breathe. More than that, I want you. I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I want to spend my days wondering what kind of naughtiness you’re going to get into so I have an excuse to turn that gorgeous ass of yours red. I need you, and I want you, and I cannot imagine a life where I am ever, ever bored by you.”
Emotion swelled in her chest, threatening to squeeze the oxygen from her lungs. “You really mean that, don’t you?”
“I do. I’ve never once doubted how I feel about you, Francesca.”
Right. That doubt had been reserved for her, and she couldn’t even blame him for it. Not after the way she’d treated him, acting like a spoiled child when she hadn’t gotten her way and then leading him on a merry chase for months afterward.
Maybe she could repair some of the damage she’d done. Or at least begin to.
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how sorry I am. For the way things ended between us the first time around.”
A sad smile curved his lips. “You never really told me why you pulled away.”
She wanted to pull away right then, to change the subject the way she had so many times before. But if she owed anyone an explanation, it was him.
“I was embarrassed. And I felt like you deserved better.”
For once, he didn’t simply push aside her statement with pretty words about how there was no one better for him. “How so?”
“You’re so… you.” She couldn’t help but laugh at herself, even if it came out shaky and uncertain. “I know that’s not helpful, but I don’t know how else to say it. You’re just so sure of yourself. And you’ve been a Dom for so long, and you deserve someone who knows how to be the kind of submissive you want and need. Not someone who falls apart because you stood your ground and refused to compromise your beliefs.”
“So instead of talking to me and telling me your fears, you just figured you knew what was best for both of us and made my decision for me?”
Anger rippled beneath his words, anger she knew she deserved, but it stung all the same. “I suppose you could say that.”
“I swear, nobody has ever made my palm itch the way you do, Francesca Legare.”
“I don’t think you can spank someone for breaking up with you.”
“Maybe not. But I’m damn well tempted to, anyway. So let me make this as clear as I possibly can, little girl. The next time you want to make decisions that affect someone else without consulting them first, you will find yourself face-down over Daddy’s knee getting your bottom paddled. Am I understood?”
The threat did what his pretty words couldn’t, washing away so much of the worry and guilt she’d been carrying with her since that fateful day. “Yes, Daddy.”
“I suppose that’s a good enough segue into our next topic. Your punishment for lying to me about your therapy appointment.”
Dread settled like a rock in her stomach. “Can’t you just spank me?” She knew she was whining, hated herself a little for it, but couldn’t seem to stop the words from slipping free. “I already feel awful about it.”
“A spanking is an option,” he said slowly, much to her surprise. “But there is a catch.”
“What kind of catch?”
“I wouldn't be the one spanking you.”
He was going to let someone else punish her? That was a twist she hadn’t seen coming. “Who?”
“Braden. He already spoke with Lottie and they’re both on board if you are. I want to be very clear, though, that you have every right to refuse. I have other ideas if you don’t want Braden to spank you.”
“What kind of ideas?”
“An essay, for starters, on the importance of therapy during recovery.”
“Ew, no thank you. I’d rather have the spanking. I trust Braden and I trust you.” Heat crept up her neck into her cheeks. “And I really do deserve a spanking. I’m not sure I can forgive myself for getting Lottie in trouble if I get off with writing an essay or whatever when I know damn well she got her ass busted for covering for me.”
“Which is why I chose Braden for this. It was his babygirl you dragged into your lie, so it only seemed right.”
“Why can’t you spank me?”
“Because I want to be very sure that this punishment is completely separate in your mind from your binge. If I spank you, it’s too easy for you to group the two issues together. And I already told you, I refuse to punish you for something out of your control.”
Damn him for knowing her so well. Looking up at him through her lashes, she gave him her best pout. “So are you just never going to spank me again?”
His lips twitched with clear amusement. “Hardly. But we will be having a lot of discussions about your binge, what triggered it, how we can keep it from happening again before I will spank you again. Something to keep in mind if you want to play the brat to try and force my hand. You should know by now I have plenty of other ways to keep you in line.”
“Yes, Daddy,” she said with a sigh, even though her heart was doing that funny little fluttering thing in her chest.
“Good girl. Now, time to choose. A spanking from Braden or another punishment? It’s entirely up to you, little siren.”
As humiliating as the idea of being spanked by anyone else was, she also needed it. Deserved it. If for no other reason than to make things right with Lottie.
“One question.”
“What’s that?”
“Will you still… will you still hold me afterward? Braden is nice and all but…”
“But you want your Daddy to hold you after your spanking is done?”
“Yes.”
“I will always be here to comfort you, Francesca. You don’t even need to ask.”
“All right. Then I guess I’ll take the spanking.”