Jax
“And what I want is for you to stop bothering me,” I said, smiling politely at the two detectives in front of me.
They looked just as annoyed as when they’d first come in, but that wasn't my problem. I wasn’t about to put up with their shady business.
“Your associates are bad business, and I think you know this by now,” the one on the right said.
I never bothered to remember their names, but maybe I should call this one Comb-Over since it was obvious that his head was balding at the top.
“And they'll be bad for your business if you don't help us put them away,” the other added.
I may call this one Glasses. Not because he was wearing them, but because, in his attempt to intimidate me, he was squinting so hard that it made it look like he needed them.
I looked at the file in front of me and flipped through a few pages. Being in the security business meant that all types of people would show up at my doorstep, but it never failed to surprise me how so many were after Ax and Sloan.
What can I say? I guess they don't like powerful women in business.
Though I knew it was more than that.
I’d been privy to many of their less-than-legal ways of doing business, not that I was willing to judge. I had to skirt the law many times for my clients. When one of them was in trouble, I would stop at nothing to try and keep them safe.
Even if that meant destroying whoever was on the other side.
To be fair, these annoying rats were the ones who were bad for business.
“I asked you many times, and you still refuse to answer,” I said as I carefully handed their file back to them.
“No evidence. No probable cause. No search warrant.
No nothing. If you really want me to come in and answer questions, you'll have to arrest me. But I should let you know that I have a very good lawyer.”
A lie. I had one I had used on and off, but if push came to shove, I wasn’t against getting a better one. Especially since they were being so fucking pushy about this.
Maybe a new one could get them off my back for good.
They let out an audible sigh and took the file from me.
“It would really just be easier if you cooperated.”
“Oh, I'm sure you would love that. But maybe do your job and get the search warrant, yeah?” I gave them a smile. “Also, please see yourselves out. You made me cancel not one, but two of my meetings. I'm a busy woman who likes to make money, and you being here is actively taking it away from me.”
Glasses looked like he wanted to say something, but Comb-Over swatted him really quick, and they begrudgingly got up and left my office.
As soon as they were out of sight, I sank into my chair and let out a sigh, turning around to look out my window. It had a very clear view of the building adjacent to us.
It was some random company I had no interest in learning more about, but sometimes, when things felt too tough, I just looked at the various office workers going about their boring nine-to-five, probably unfulfilled but needing the money.
They helped me put things into perspective. They reminded me of what I had worked so hard to achieve.
I was here. I had my own company. A stellar reputation. More money than I knew what to do with.
And yet I’m still wanting.
I’d spent my whole life working toward something like this. Toward stability. Toward a way to prove myself. But now that I had it… It felt empty.
Even though I knew the detectives had been bluffing, there was still a little voice in the back of my head warning me, telling me I would lose it all if I wasn't careful. That everything I had strived for would go up in flames.
I hate that fucking voice.
My phone vibrated on the desk, and I picked it up without even looking at the caller ID.
“I canceled once, and now you never want to see me again?” Claire’s joking voice came through the speaker. “Kind of harsh, if you ask me.”
I couldn't help but smile at hearing her voice.
I had many associates. Some of them could blend into friends, like Sloan. But the only true friend I had was Claire. She was the only one who hadn't left me or started to act weird when she heard about my past.
People got weird once they knew you were adopted. Some turned to pity, some didn’t really know how to act around me, and when they found out how I was treated in high school and how I was the outcast…. It always felt like they were trying to “fix” me.
As much as I knew that Liz wouldn’t be like that, I still worried that I would lose her because of… Well, because of me.
Guilt ate at my insides.
My only friend, and I’m doing this to her. Wanting her mother more than I want to breathe.
“Surprise, surprise, the whole world doesn't revolve around you, Claire. I've been busy.” The words might have sounded harsh to anyone else, but Claire knew I was joking.
“How about tonight? Dinner? At your place?”
That wouldn't work. She would open the door, her mom would likely be there, and then what?
Oh yeah, so your mom is actually staying with me because your dad probably wants to kill her. And also, I regularly get on my knees for her and would like to do a lot more than that if she let me because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
Yeah, no. But that wasn't the only reason it wouldn't work.
“I'm meeting my mom tonight,” I said. “You can come if you want.”
“How is she doing? I haven't seen Rue in a long time.”
“She’s…” I cut myself off, not really knowing how to explain her situation to Claire. I already felt the panic rising up at me, my throat tightening and my chest weighing a thousand pounds.
“Struggling?” she provided for me.
“Struggling.”
“I think it's better if I come with you, right? So you don't have to deal with this alone?”
That was another thing I loved about Claire. Because of her, I never had to do the hard stuff alone.
This company, the clients—none of it felt hard. Business and money came easy to me. But my mother? Her condition?
I didn't even know where to begin.
“That would be great,” I forced out, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“Great! Six o'clock?”
“Perfect.”
We exchanged a few more pleasantries and grumbled about work and new projects, but that was it. After we said our goodbyes, I rested my head in my hands.
Being busy made it easier to push away the thought of visiting my mother, but now that was all I could think about.
I gritted my teeth.
You'll go in there. Claire will be with you. It will be okay.
It was annoying—and weak—how I had to prepare myself just to see my own mother. I shouldn't feel this way. I had seen so many things. Shootings, stalkers, murderers, drug deals, money laundering… Yet, somehow, my mother had the ability to make all of those seem small.
My mind wandered to Liz.
What would she think about this?
Would she be annoyed with how weak I was?
I wouldn't tell her. Not for now, at least.
Because there was one thing that scared me more than losing everything I'd worked for.
It was losing the chance to show Liz that I was worth it.
“She's having a very good day today,” the nurse informed us as she closed the door behind us.
“Perfect,” I said through a clenched jaw as I tried to force a smile on my face, but Claire obviously felt my discomfort and placed her hand on my arm.
My mother's room had been decorated since I’d been here last. Drawings likely from another resident were hanging near her bed, along with pictures of things I recognized from the facility. Friends. Flowers. Her little life here.
I wonder if she took them herself.
The room smelled newly cleaned, and there was a small cup of water and her uneaten snack on the table near the window where my mother was currently sitting, her hands working on her latest crochet project. Others were left on the seat opposite her in a large basket, all of them unfinished.
She looked up at us, and I prepared myself for the inevitable. I took in her hair streaked with gray and her bright eyes, even though her face showed how tired this disease made her.
It had only been a few weeks since I’d last seen her, but the wrinkles on her face seemed to have deepened. Her body was hunched over. She moved slower.
Is this because of her disease or just because she’s older?
My mother looked frail in the large cardigan she’d brought from home and the facility-provided clothing. She’d adopted me when she was in her mid-forties, so I had always had an older mother, much to all of my classmates’ delight.
They loved to pick on me about it in school, and I'd learned to fight really early because of it.
I loved my mother. She didn’t deserve any of their hateful comments. And she definitely never deserved this fucking disease.
And then she smiled at me.
“Jaxie, you came! And you brought a friend!”
My heart broke a little for Claire but soared for me. I could be selfish here. The small squeeze of Claire’s hand told me she didn't mind being forgotten.
“And we brought cake,” I told my mom, slowly walking up to her table.
“Oh? What's the occasion?” she asked.
That was my first choice of the night. I could lie and say it was just because. Or I could tell her the truth and possibly ruin it for her.
The outcome was never the same, so it really was a fifty-fifty chance every time.
“Just celebrating the day we became a family,” I replied, taking out the single piece of cake packed in a takeaway box.
“Oh yes, you're right. Silly me, I had it on my list to call you this morning, but I must've forgotten. Oh, is that—”
“Straight from Francesca's diner,” I confirmed, pushing it toward her. “They're still in business after all these years.”
“Don't make me eat alone! Sit.”
I got the extra seat in the corner of the room and brought it over for Claire to sit down, but then I paused when I saw that the only other chair had her stuff in it.
“It's okay, Jaxie, sit down. Have a bite.”
“Is it okay if I move your things?”
She nodded and happily took a bite of the cake. My heart warmed at seeing her happy like this.
Claire shot me a look and gave me an encouraging smile, so slowly and carefully, I grabbed the basket and sat down before gently placing it on the ground.
That was a mistake.
“Well, not on the floor, you dunce. You want to ruin everything?”
I froze. It was that tone again. The one that told me she was close to spiraling.
“Sorry, Mama.”
I grabbed the basket again and quickly placed it on the table, but that just made her more annoyed.
“If you put it there, how are you going to eat? You can't expect me to eat all this cake by myself! Are you even thinking?”
The knot in my throat grew tighter.
I knew it would be like this. I had years of experience. But it still didn’t make it any easier.
Luckily, Claire jumped in.
“I see you're making something new. That pink yarn is so pretty.”
And just like that, my mom snapped out of it. She turned and looked at Claire with a bright smile.
“Isn’t it? My friend got it for me as a birthday gift!”
Claire didn't even flinch at the mention of her birthday, though I was sure she remembered my mom’s birthday was half a year away.
“Very nice of them. And what about the cake? Is it the same as always? Francesca's diner never changes—they still have the same pattern seats I remember sitting on when I was six.”
Claire had never been to Francesca's. At least not with me. But she was an expert at this, even if it meant lying.
“Oh, I used to love those patterns,” Mom said with a laugh. “Don't you remember, Jaxie? I spent years searching the fabric stores to try to find something similar so I could make curtains. Isn't that hilarious?”
“Yes, Mama,” I said with a forced smile.
Once Claire got her out of her spiral, Mom sat there, happily discussing every single thing she loved about the diner. She was mixing up half of it with other restaurants, but Claire didn't even bat an eye.
How is she so much better at this than me?
How is she able to just sit here and talk to her?
Every time I sat here, my heart just hurt. She was my mom, the person who made my life great. The one who brought light into the otherwise dark childhood I’d lived through.
She was everything to me, and now I had to watch as she was slowly taken away from me by something I couldn't change.
There was no money that could fix this. There was no one I could assign to her who would be able to fight off this disease.
I needed to accept that. But I couldn't. And that hurt the most.
It wasn't long until the nurse came to tell us dinner was ready.
“Oh, you should stay! Dinner here isn't bad.”
“Next time, Mama,” I promised and leaned in to give her a hug and a small kiss on the cheek. “I love you and I miss you.”
When I pulled away, my mother had tears in her eyes.
“Oh Jaxie, how you’ve grown,” she said, placing her hand on my cheek. “I love you too, sweetie. Now go, and don't forget you have your finals tomorrow.”
My heart sank.
“You’re right,” I forced out and did my best to pull my lips into a smile. “I'll see you next time.”
“It was nice meeting you! Finally, my Jaxie has a friend. I hope you stick around longer than the others!” my mother called out to Claire as we left.
“I'll be back next time too!” she replied.
And then we watched as a nurse helped my mother toward the cafeteria, not saying anything for a while.
“You did good,” Claire finally said as she patted my back.
But the knot in my throat and the heaviness in my chest stayed.
And all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home and fall into the warm embrace of someone who didn't want me.