Jax
It had been a few days since my emotional outburst with Liz, and I felt lighter than ever.
I can't leave you. And I don't want to.
I believed her when she said it, but I was ecstatic to know she really meant it.
Liz listened when I told her how things started going south in high school but that my mom’s diagnosis came when I was in college—the biggest reason why I dropped out and started a business on my own.
She heard me when I told her that every friend or girlfriend I’d had wasn’t really keen on being with a person who had to deal with a mother with Alzheimer's. They just took one look at me and my mother and wrote both of us off because of it.
I knew my mom caught on after a while. Friends stopped coming over. I mostly stayed home. Maybe for other parents that wouldn't have been a big deal, but she knew I never had many friends to begin with.
And when we finally thought I had a real friend, and it turned out to be a lie, I just couldn’t take it anymore. That was when I fully accepted my recluse, weird status and decided to live for myself. To wait until I got out of school to live the life I wanted to live.
Thinking about it, maybe they just couldn’t deal with being face-to-face with a serious condition. With mortality. With knowing I would always find time for my mother, and they couldn’t take a backseat to that.
Or maybe, like Liz put it, “Those people never gave a shit about you. When people care, they stay. No matter what.”
That was right after she told me that she really didn’t want to hear about any previous girlfriends, but anyone who’d left me behind because of my mom was nothing more than a girl. “I’m not. I’m a woman,” she said.
My woman.
She accepted me. And she wasn't going to run away.
We slept together. We woke up together. We ate together.
Every minute I was at work was a minute I wished I were with her. I’d been so afraid of showing my emotions, and, if anything, I felt like we had gotten closer for it.
So now I needed to take the next—and biggest—step.
In order for me to do right by my girl, I needed to be in the line of fire. She would be mad at me—she had every right to—but if we were going to move forward, I had no choice but to do this for her.
For me. For Claire. For all of us.
Regardless of her admitting she wanted to be selfish, I could see the guilt eating her up. I had caught Liz staring at her phone's wallpaper longingly multiple times over the last couple of days. It was a picture of her and Claire back when Claire was still in college.
Seeing her this upset was killing me. So that was why I was going to meet Claire for breakfast. When I texted her, she chose one of her favorite cafés—not too busy and spacious enough for us to talk without feeling like anyone was eavesdropping.
And it had an easy way to the exit if things got too heated.
I was beyond nervous. Going behind Liz's back like this could ruin our relationship, but I hoped she would understand that I was doing this for us.
Once she left the house, I put on my typical short-sleeved shirt and pants since I planned to go to work right after. But when I got there and Claire stood up, giving me a smile and waving me over, my heart froze in my chest.
Because across from her, sitting with a fresh cup of coffee, was Liz.
When Liz turned around, her smile faltered as she saw me.
Maybe we both had the same idea?
“Jax!”
“Claire, you look amazing! How have you been?” I asked as I came up to her table and gave her a hug. The only other seat was next to her mother, so I gave Liz a smile as I took it.
“If I knew this was a friends’ day, I wouldn't have barged in,” Liz said with a slight bite, and I knew it was directed at me.
“That's why I'm so happy! With my work schedule, it's hard to see both of you, so this is me killing two stones with one bird or whatever the saying is.”
We both let out a small laugh at Claire's attempt at a joke.
“Maybe I should've gotten the hint when you ordered for her,” Liz said. “Though I didn't take Jax for a white chocolate Americano girl.”
“My guilty pleasure,” I replied, trying not to squirm in my seat.
As if summoned by Liz's words, the waitress showed up with my Americano and a small, but healthy, avocado and feta cheese toast.
“Did you know she also counts her macros?”
“I don't do that anymore,” I told her, feeling the urge to defend myself.
Liz shot me a look. To be honest, I had stopped counting a few weeks before our time at the club, and then I just never got back to it. I cared less about hitting my protein goals and my workout schedule when I had her waiting for me at home with some of the most delicious food I’d ever eaten.
“Good! All that hyperfixation on food and working out made me worried about you,” Claire said, giving me a pointed glare, but then she quickly moved to her mom. “Did you ever take Jax up on her offer?”
She nodded and took a sip of her hot latte.
There was a small chill in the air, so I wasn’t surprised to see her with a latte.
I had seen her switch from cold to hot and back again and I'd gotten it down to a science.
On overcast days, I made or ordered her a latte before she woke up.
When the sun was out early, I made her something iced.
Though I didn't know she liked some cinnamon sprinkled on top.
Duly noted for future mornings.
“For security, right?”
Claire gave her a look. “Was she offering anything else?”
I almost choked on my coffee but was able to pass it off as clearing my throat.
“She did. I didn't want to tell you because of client confidentiality, but if Liz is comfortable with it…”
Liz motioned for me to go ahead but didn't meet my eyes.
“We outfitted her gallery with new cameras and a team that monitors her and the space twenty-four seven. She's safe with us. We haven’t had an incident since.”
Just as Claire was about to ask her mom a question, Liz stood up, her phone vibrating in her hand.
“Sorry, let me take this real quick. It's the gallery.”
She walked away toward the entrance of the café and far out of hearing range, and Claire took that moment to bring me back to her by snapping her fingers.
“I know you want to fuck my mom, but can you be a little less obvious about it?”
I jerked back in shock at her words. What?
“I don't want to fuck—”
“Okay, you're a shit liar, so let's not try, okay?” She narrowed her eyes at me and started waving her finger at me like she was pointing out every one of my individual flaws.
“I know you like older women. I knew you were attracted to her the first time you saw her back in college—it wasn’t hard to tell.
And yes, I saw the way you looked at her back at the gallery and now too.
I don't want you to make her uncomfortable.”
“I—”
“If the next words out of your mouth are not, Claire, my friend, I'm sorry for making your mom uncomfortable, I don't want to hear it. You’re about two more weird lingering looks away from me setting you up with someone I know.”
I slammed my mouth shut and looked down at my coffee. This was my chance. Right now, while Liz was gone, I could tell Claire everything.
But then she would have to deal with the mess when she came back. The whole reason I came here to talk to Claire alone was so I would take the blame.
Claire had kind of opened the door, but it wouldn’t be fair for Liz to be here for the fallout.
I knew she would try to save Claire's and my relationship if it came to that, somehow twisting it to be liable for all of it.
Because as much as she said she was being selfish, she was the most selfless person I knew.
“Sounds like it makes you more uncomfortable than it does her,” I replied, trying to channel my normal carefree attitude. “I have to admit she is pretty hot though.”
Claire made a face of disgust.
“Gross. Plus, she would eat you alive.”
Yes, she would. And she fucking does. And I love eating her too. Just one of the many things I loved so much about her.
My heart slammed in my chest. My breath felt like it was sucked from my lungs. Panic slowly started creeping up the back of my neck.
I love Liz.
I loved her so much that I was willing to do this for her—to possibly throw away my only friendship so she wouldn't have to deal with whatever implications came from this. But more than that, I wanted her to live a life without the pain and the sorrow I knew she was feeling now.
She deserved it. She deserved someone who put her first.
But even though it felt like love to me… If there was a chance of this ruining their relationship, should I still do it? Should I tell her about us? I might lose Claire, and Liz might lose the child she loves so much.
So, even though I had worked myself up to tell Claire, the words wouldn’t come.
Would it be that bad if she never knew?
Can we keep it a secret forever?
But how could I?
I loved Liz. And I wanted to show her the life she could have with someone who adored her. A life I would happily give her. And yes, it included marriage. It included being out and proud about who we were. Telling everyone she was mine and that she would always be.
How could I do that if I kept her—us—a secret?
But how could I come between them?
Liz came back as her daughter and I were having a stare-off of sorts. Claire seemed to be… analyzing me. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, and I hoped my thoughts weren’t written all over my face.
I gave Liz a quick smile as she sat down.
“Everything okay?” I asked out of habit. Shit.
She nodded and then looked at her daughter. “Just Stefan being annoying about a buyer I was unwilling to sell to. He was trying to convince me to let them come back in, and I was telling him I’m busy. It’s not important enough to take me away from this.”
At that, it was my turn for my phone to ring. A text from the head of Liz's team. Emerson. At least two other clients. All of it at the same time, like it was arranged or something.
This is a mistake. And this is the universe telling me that.
I looked up to find both of them looking at me expectantly.
“Sorry, I guess it's my time to be pulled away. Duty calls. Enjoy your time together, you two.”
Claire stood up as if to stop me, but I merely waved her off. I tried not to look at Liz, but it was too hard, so I gave her a smile, hoping she could see in my eyes everything I couldn’t say.
But each step away from them made my heart feel heavier and heavier.
I almost ruined their relationship. And all of it without even telling Liz.
I cursed myself internally.
What do I do?
How do I fix this?
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t know what to do.