Chapter 34
FINLEY
Have you ever tried sleeping through a hurricane?
I haven’t. The weather in Oregon is too stable for natural disasters. However, the last few hours where I tried to nap after Jayden brought me home from the hospital have felt like trying to sleep through a wild storm.
I couldn’t. He couldn’t.
We sat on Elijah’s couch. Silent. Allowing the last twenty-four hours to sink in.
I thought we were going to lose him. I honestly believed that God… the universe was going to take my heart away from me. Forever.
So when the doctor said Elijah was going to be okay, I should’ve been okay too. Except, all I can picture is Elijah’s tear-tracked, pale face with Jayden’s hands over his ears.
Elijah’s head in Jayden’s lap. Like that lamb head on my floor. My grandma’s fixed stare when I turned from opening her curtains.
I should be okay. But I’m not.
What if this happens again? What if next time Jayden and I aren’t there to catch Elijah, to help him?
Don’t go there, I tell myself as I clutch the A4 sketch pad Elijah bought for me.
My fingers curl around it, desperately trying to find something to ground my thoughts before I meet Summer at her studio. I was going to cancel, until Jayden insisted we keep going. Keep busy before we head back to the hospital later.
“Let me find somewhere to park and I’ll come with you,” he tells me, turning down a small parade of storefronts. Each painted in its own color with its unique hanging sign.
“Thank you… but I got this.”
“You’re sure?”
I nod in reply. Something tells me that it’s not a good idea.
Even with his baseball cap pulled low over his face, he can’t hide his identity when there were reporters outside the apartment building, waiting for us to arrive and then leave.
The last thing I want is to draw more attention to us.
Especially with the rumors going around.
I can still see the way Lex looked at Jayden and me at the hospital. How angry he was… disgusted…
I want to say that it’s got me feeling guilty. Except, I needed Jayden to hold me. I needed an anchor, and he was it. He was there. Feeling the same fear I felt. Loving the same man I love.
I don’t feel guilty, and it didn’t feel wrong.
Jayden is parking his SUV when Summer comes out of the studio.
She’s in a pink and orange blocky dress that stands out a mile away with the matching hairband holding her auburn hair back from her face.
Her bright appearance matches her kind smile when she waves at me with one hand while the other rubs her teeny bump.
It’s more noticeable in the fitted wool.
“You came,” she greets me with a hug when I get out of the car. “Parker showed me the article on Pucking Wonderful World. Is Elijah okay?”
I nod. “Just a bad migraine. He’s better now.”
“And you? Are you okay? I can’t imagine how awful it must be to have the press on your doorstep right now… how stressful all the assumptions going around are…” When I shrug, she clasps my hand in hers. “Gosh, you really didn’t need to come today. You have enough on your plate...”
“The distraction is welcome,” I say, allowing her to take me inside. “Elijah needs to rest, and I need to keep my mind busy.”
“Well…” Summer gestures around the deceptively roomie space. “This is the studio. I’m sorry it’s messy. It gets like this when I’m putting boards together and pulling samples. It’s worse right now because I have samples that need organizing stacked everywhere.”
Moving a pile of files from her desk to another close by, she drags a seat over for me, next to her chair.
“Can I get you a drink? I can’t make a flat white, but the coffee machine makes a great cappuccino.”
“I’m okay.”
“Sure?” Summer beams at me.
“Sure.”
When we’re both settled, I place the sketchbook down in front of her, opening it up to spread out the three different mural paintings.
“I focused on the greens because that’s what you envisioned, but we can play around with them all and—”
“Wow,” she whispers, picking up all three illustrations and sifting through them until she pauses on the one that Elijah kept telling me was beautiful. The very first one I showed him. With Jayden’s cute badger. “I love this one. Oh, it’s got me all fuzzy looking at it.”
Her squeal of delight loosens the tension in my shoulders a tad. It feels like I’ve finally done something right. Something worthwhile.
For the next several minutes she takes me through some subtle additions she’d like to add from the other illustrations. When I’ve noted them down to create the final sketch, she shows me the mood board she created for the nursery before taking me for a proper tour of the space.
“This is it!” After a quick pause, she takes me back to her desk. “I’ve ordered your desk; it should be here in the next week. Until then, we can share a desk or if you need to be around for Eli, you can work from home.”
“Thank you.”
Summer walks me back out to Jayden’s SUV, as I’m getting in, she says, “The girls get together for Margs and tacos every other week. Would you like to come?”
“Umm… sure. That would be lovely.”
“Great! Christina sent me your number this morning, so I’ll text with the details.” Blowing me a kiss, she waves me away when Jayden starts the near silent engine and starts to pull out of the space with one last remark, “The storm will pass, Finley.”
The storm.
It’s like she can read my mind. Or maybe it’s a sign. Grandma always told me that the universe will always give us a sign on the path to take when we least expect it to.
“She seems nice,” Jayden says.
“Yeah, Summer’s sweet.” I settle back into the buttery leather with a different kind of pang in my chest as I tell him, “She offered me the assistant job again.”
“And?” He side-glances at me. “Did you take it? Do you want it?”
“I want it, but I don’t want it to be another thing that stresses Elijah out.”
“Fin…”
“I keep seeing him, Jayden. Every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing his face. And wondering. Wondering why I didn’t do more. Why I wasn’t more adamant and stubborn and… and…”
“Me too,” he says, cocooning my hand with his on my thigh.
“I was so scared…”
“Me too. I still am.”
“I can’t lose him, Jayden. I love him. I love him so much.”
One side of his mouth quirks to the side as he nods and focuses on the road ahead.
The drive is silent for a beat. The past twenty-four-hours keep replaying in my head. Over and again.
“I almost called Elijah’s mom,” the confession blusters from my mouth as we come to a pause at a red light.
“What? Why, Fin? Why would you want to open the door for them to come back into your life after Eli—”
“I’m an idiot. I know, but if I had a child, I would need to know. I would want to be there for them. Rules be damned…” Trying to keep the dam behind my eyes tight, I suck in a deep breath. “I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid, baby.”
“Please, after everything, I had a moment where I thought that Mary-Anne would care. That she would rush to his side… that… that…”
“Finley…” A large hand grips the side of my face roughly, tilting it up to his when I look away so that his stare holds mine without a single blink, flutter, or waver. “You’re who he needs, baby. You.”
With the seal of his lips on my forehead, I grip his wrist tight. Holding him to me for a moment longer. His thumb rakes across my cheek while I drink in his licorice-tinged breath. The anise warming my lungs.
“You’re fucking amazing, Finley…” he says as his phone rings on the car speaker system, making me jump so far out of my skin, I momentarily forget how to breathe as he answers.
It’s only when Elijah’s voice comes over the speakers that Jayden pulls back.
“Jayden?” Elijah calls over the line again.
“What’s up?” Jayden sits straight in his seat, eyes boring into the center of the steering wheel.
“Everything okay?”
“Ah, yeah… sure.” Jayden’s voice is awkward and choppy. “With you?”
“Great,” Elijah groans, lowering his voice. “Lex is killing me. He brought me home and now—”
“You’re home?” I cut Elijah off as I lean forward into the console, hoping wherever the mic is, it’ll pick up my voice.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jayden’s tone is deep and growly with his disappointment.
“I couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital, and Lex was already there… I thought I might surprise you. Where are you guys?”
Elijah’s worry thaws through Jayden’s irk with an audible sigh when he leans back in his seat and gives me a weak one-sided smile.
His hand finds mine braced on the console again before he guides me back into the burnt orange leather that is ingrained with his woodsy scent.
It has a subtle sweetness to it that makes my mouth water when I nuzzle the side of my face into the soft fabric.
Hazel eyes narrow on mine, contemplating while he continues holding my hand.
“We’re heading back to the apartment,” Jayden says. “Fin met up with Summer, and I tagged along. I wanted to make sure she’s okay.”
“Has something happened?” Elijah is quick to ask, his worry threading his voice.
I can imagine him pulling at his hair while he paces the length of the floor-to-ceiling balcony doors overlooking the ocean.
Rubbing his free hand over his face, Jayden peers at the lights ahead as they turn green and he carries on home.
“It’s been a long twenty-four hours,” he states, keeping his tone relaxed. We’re cruising onto the highway when Jayden tells Elijah, “We’ll be with you in thirty, ‘kay?”
“See you then,” Elijah says with a sigh before ending the call.
The silence in the car lingers for a while. It’s only when he adjusts the a/c that Jayden releases my hand.
“Don’t let what happened diminish what you give him,” he says with earnest. “It’s you he wants… you he needs…”
When I smile at him, he smooths a hand over my hair, brushing the wavy tendrils framing my face back before he strokes my chin with his thumb.
“He needs you too, JJ,” I say with a faint press of my lips to his thumb.
Contrary to what his attitude and persona will make you think, although Jayden’s cocksure and cheeky, he’s not self-indulgent or entitled. And it’s part of what makes him so charming and captivating.
Enough so that I can’t stop myself from stealing glances and stretching accidental touches the rest of the drive home.