Chapter 37
ELIJAH
The conversation with Finley keeps running through my mind on repeat every time I try to shut off my thoughts from that kiss. Our kiss that I freaked out on because I’m that fucked up in the head.
The more I try to let go of the past, the harder it chases me. I’d made a safe space here. Found a family in Jayden and the other guys. But going back to Havenview has awoken too many ghosts, and there’s no way to escape them anymore.
Before I know it, I’m out of bed, dressed, and heading downstairs to the gym.
The quiet that should be peaceful is echoing with all the regret and frustration throttling me.
So much so that when I get to the gym and I hear Jayden’s loud music, I all but run inside.
Even if I know he’ll berate me for being here.
“Quit it, Asshole.” A familiar female voice calls out over the deep beat of the music as I open the door.
I’m tempted to turn back and go for a brisk walk on the beach instead. Jayden doesn’t get much time with his family outside of the holidays, and I don’t want to intrude on him and his sister.
“Stop whining,” he tells Kailey, squirting her with the bedazzled drink bottle in his hand. “Put your ass into it, Kiki, this isn’t a leisurely stroll.”
Although she flips him off, she picks up her pace on the treadmill while he checks his phone. I’m about to back out when his eyes flash up at me, and another voice asks, “Shouldn’t you be resting?”
I look over my shoulder to find Finley standing right behind me. Her striking blue stare is narrowed on me.
As my eyes roam over her tight athleisure outfit, I can’t catch my breath for the life of me.
I’m a moron.
A screwed-up idiot.
Any other man would’ve given Finley what she needs.
Me? I couldn’t hack it past her kisses to my chest.
It felt good, and I was down. Then she braced herself on my arms, and every time her tongue lapped at my skin, the nightmare came back to me. Clearer and brighter until I could hear it roaring in my ears like I was back in that hotel room in Colorado with Ryker’s weight grinding on me.
“You okay?” Finley smiles at me tentatively.
The awkwardness from last night is lingering between us. And it makes me feel like even more of a bastard that I deflected the talk about us to her and Jayden.
“Yeah, you?” I smile at her, allowing my feet to close some of the distance between us.
The fruity scent of her hair surrounds me as I take her hand in mine and lace our fingers together. Because I can’t not touch her. I can’t not want her.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Jayden invited me to come work out with him and his sister this morning,” she tells me as Jayden comes up behind me, perching his elbow on my shoulder and says, “I’m pretty certain this isn’t going slow.”
“Isn’t today your off day or something?” I deadpan at him, only for my straight face to quiver with a smile when he beams his megawatt grin at me.
“Thanksgiving, curmudgeon,” he throws back, sticking his tongue out at me while his stare sweeps to Finley, looking for her approval.
“That’s a good one,” she chuckles.
“Yep, the female equivalent is termagant, which adequately describes my baby sister.” He glances back at me and then at mine and Finley’s joint hands. “Which brings me back to your question. Isla’s in a shitty mood, so we escaped down here,” he says, nodding at Kailey on the treadmill.
“What he means to say,” she calls, lifting herself off the belt before she stops the machine and gets off, “is that she’s in major bitch mode because she hasn’t had a carb in months.”
“I’d be grumpy, too,” Finley whispers as Kailey ambles past Jayden and me, straight to her.
“I’ve told her the cure, but you can only lead a horse to water,” Kailey croons, holding out her hand to Finley. “I’m Kailey, JJ’s nice sister.”
“Stop it,” he chuckles, playfully tugging at Kailey’s braid while he assures Finley, “Isla’s nice... she’s just intense when she’s training.”
“If you say so.” Kailey shrugs, linking her arm with Finley’s and leading her towards the mat on the other side of the room.
Before her hand slips from mine, I give it a squeeze, so she knows that I’m still here. I’m still hers. Even if I’m not worthy of her.
“Well, Finley...” Kailey sinks down onto the mat, taking Finley with her. “JJ’s told me so much about you. I feel like we're besties already...”
A bright flush erupts across Jayden’s cheeks as he mutters a slew of curses under his breath.
“We’ve lost her,” he mumbles, leaning into me so that his side is pressed into mine while we watch the girls fall into conversation and the occasional laughter.
“Fin needs this. More girls... friends...”
“Yeah, but...” Jayden levels me with a goofy grin. “I’m not sure she’s ready for Kailey.”
“Looks to me like they’re getting on,” I say as Finley glances our way with a beaming smile.
Her wistful stare locks on mine for a beat, beckoning to that place in me that was made just for her. To be hers. Then her eyes roam to Jayden, and he melts into me. Even his goofy grin softens into pure adoration.
“So,” he nudges me with his elbow, “are you ready to ease some of your stiffness with me?”
Every muscle in my body clenches at his words while a bone-deep heat flushes up my body to my face. The tips of my ears are throbbing as I follow him to the mat in the opposite corner of the room as the girls. They’re both still chatting while powerwalking on the treadmills.
“Are you sure you’re okay to do this today? You’ve been home one day, and—”
“If I don’t get back to normal, I’ll go insane. And if my conditioning slips, it’ll be another red flag for Coach.”
“Fine, but I’m taking it easy on you. Nice and slow.” He drags a step in front of me before he starts bossing me around.
I’m still so flushed from his remark, my pulse is already halfway to pounding before we’ve even started.
“Are you sure I look okay?” Finley asks as we head across the way to Jayden’s place. She smooths over her jean skirt before tugging on the cropped hem of her white t-shirt at her sides.
She looks cute and sexy all at once, with her long legs exposed all the way to the middle of her thighs. Nobody does understated as incredibly as her, with half of her hair on top of her head so that her loose curls cascade just off her face, the light brown bringing out the blue of her eyes.
Finley is perfect.
“Elijah?” She takes a step back, bringing all my focus back to her question.
“You look great.” Lightly clasping her hand at her side, I tug her closer while my other hand molds to her face. “You're beautiful, sweet girl.”
“Elijah… don’t.” Her eyes drop between us, wrenching at my chest. “Every time you say those things and touch me like this… I get the wrong idea, and—”
“I’m sorry about last night,” I tell her quickly, smoothing my thumb over her plush lips like it’s the fix to the hurt I’ve caused her. “I’m not running away from you. There’s a lot going on right now, and my head is messed up. I’m messed up.”
But I still love you.
I will always love Finley. Even if it means I have to let her go, so I don’t taint her with my bleakness.
“We all have our quirks and faults—” She stops with a frustrated grimace when Jayden’s door opens.
“Oh, hey,” Jayden greets, glancing between us. “I was about to knock.”
“Us, too,” I tell him, caressing my thumb over her cheek before I pull back, keeping my hand laced with hers.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything…” Jayden backtracks a couple of steps before Finley grabs his hand to stop him.
Their fingers knot together naturally as she coaxes him towards us with a light pull. “You interrupted me freaking out about nothing.”
“What’s nothing?” He winds his arm up and over her shoulders without releasing her hand, so that we’re all sandwiched together side by side, both of us holding Finley’s hands.
I don’t want to pick. Her retort flashes into the forefront of my mind again as I take in their connection, my stare roaming to where her hand is still clasped with mine. Tight. Unwavering.
When Finley doesn’t elaborate on her reply, Jayden looks over the top of her head at me, and I tell him, “She’s worried about her outfit.”
“What? Why? You look hot, Lucky,” he says, lowering himself into her line of sight before he boops her nose. “I like it, it’s cute.”
I feel the effect his compliment has on Finley when her hand squeezes around mine in a death grip that shoots a frisson of electricity up into my chest.
We’re at his door when he pauses, jerking us toward my place. “Almost forgot. Do you have any agave syrup? I ran out, and my momma has it in her tea and margaritas. The Sire has declared today Margarita Day after he realized the mimosas weren’t taking the edge off Isla’s grumpy mood.”
I chuckle at his exaggerated grimace.
“Are you sure it’s okay for us to crash your family time?” Finley asks.
“It’s Thanksgiving. You’re meant to spend it with the people who mean the most and give you reason to be grateful for life.” He gives me a dimpled smile that has my pulse throbbing in my throat. “You have to come. Besides, my mom planned a whole vegan menu, just for you.”
An overwhelming wave of emotion washes over me. I don’t want to make any more work for his parents, but at the same time, an inexplicable warmth wraps itself around my chest that his mom would go through any trouble to accommodate me at their dinner table.
“That’s… eeerm…” I don’t know what to say. How to adequately convey how grateful I am. “Thanks.”
Finley snickers at my hoarse reply. “I’ll just go grab the syrup,” she says, unraveling herself from Jayden’s long arm.
We traipse behind her as she heads inside my place.
She looks so damn sexy in that low-key way of hers. With her long hair swishing behind her, the loose lengths on the bottom cascading all the way down to the small of her back. I can’t help but follow the curve of her ass with the natural sashay of her steps.
“You might want to breathe at some point,” Jayden croons, playfully jabbing my side with his finger.
“I’m not sure that’s possible,” I murmur back, rubbing my hands over my face like that might pull me out of my Finley haze somehow.
It doesn’t.
“Yeah,” Jayden says on a long exhale.
When he breathes in again, I find myself pulling closer to him. With our shoulders pressed together, I chance a glimpse at him, only to be met with his deep, hazel stare. I should look away instead of making things weird.
I can’t.
The warmth of his body pressed to mine has me in a chokehold where I can’t breathe. I can’t think past how good it feels to have him close.
“How are you feeling after this morning?” He asks.
“Good. I think I’m still laggy from the meds they gave me at the hospital. The neurologist said it could take a few days for the side effects to wane.”
“You can't rush this, Eli.”
“I feel fine, JJ. Normal. It’s bothering me more that I’m letting the team down. Two weeks is a long time, and we have some important games—”
“You're important, Eli.” A deep-set frown pinches his face. “I thought you were having a stroke.”
My hand latches onto his wrist, trying to reassure him. “It was a migraine.”
Jayden swallows hard. “Yeah, but for a moment, I thought I was losing you. It was the longest moment of my life. Finley’s, too. You terrified the fuck out of us.”
“I’m sorry.”
I don’t know how many more times I can apologize. Or how to make him forget...
“Don’t be sorry.” A faint smile tugs at one corner of his mouth as I release his wrist, and his hand closes around mine.
The voice in my head tells me to pull away. Meanwhile, my feet take me closer.
“Follow the doctors’ advice, Eli, and don’t stress about shit.”
“There’s so much going on, JJ.”
He nods as his hand trails up my arm to my shoulder.
His touch is light, but the rake of his calloused fingers sends a shiver through me.
Goosebumps prickle up my arm, chasing his touch all the way to my shoulder.
When he tightens his hold on me there, his eyes spear me with an unwavering intensity that rushes all the air from my lungs.
“Yeah, there is. And I agree with Coach. You keep ignoring it, but he’s right, you should speak to Dr. Armstrong.
I don’t know, make it part of your stress therapy.
The Sire says it’s a proven and successful method of breaking down what’s up here—” He gestures at my forehead before circling his finger between us.
“—so it doesn’t mess with the rest of this.
You also have me and Finley, and Lex. We’re here to help and support you. You’re not alone, okay?”
“It’s not that easy.”
Jayden only knows part of the problem. He has no real idea how messed up I am. And if I start talking to Dr. Armstrong, what’s stopping her from talking to Coach and ruining my career?
“No, it's not.” He pauses before continuing in a resolute tone that makes it impossible for me to argue back. “We care about you, your health, your happiness… but you have to let us in. You have to trust us.”
The pleading look on his face, along with his unshakeable grip on me, make me wonder—maybe I can trust Jayden with all of me, and he won’t judge me for it or look at me differently at all.